You Don't Need a Guy Who..... Ten reasons to get out of a bad relationship!

Many women seem to have this need to be with a guy. We humans do like relationships but what is disconcerting is the idea that as long as a woman has a man all is well.

Not so!

Having a guy in your life should not be the dream; how about having a decent guy in your life?

A great relationship is one where both partners are helping and supporting each other, sharing their lives together, bringing out the best in one another.

Too often women seem to take whomever is available rather than pondering what is going on in her life as a result of the relationship.

So here is a brief list of some things to look for to help you know if a guy is not right for you:

You don't need a guys who...

1. Makes you feel like a piece of garbage
2. Lies, deceives and manipulates you
3. Can't be faithful
4. Doesn't think you are amazing
5. Can't stop thinking about former or future relationships
6. Is rude, disrespectful, and mean
7. Requires you dismiss or ignore your personal standards, ethics, and sense of morality
8. Embarrasses and humiliates you
9. Uses you
10. Abuses you!

I know this list is nothing new. We all know this but sometimes it is good to have a reminder so we can take a good honest look at the relationship and see it for what it is.

It is great to find a fabulous man and to have a healthy and vibrant relationship; what is not so good is to be with a guy who treats your poorly and who diminishes and degrades you.

No guy is worth giving up your emotional, physical, or spiritual well being.

If you are in a relationship that you know is harming your very soul, time to get out and move on. I know it is not always a simple and easy task nevertheless, best to not give another day to a man who is hurting your life!

Be safe!

Maybe today is the day you can change your life? My favorite quote by Eleanor Roosevelt

For all the women who feel they can't move on, can't reach their dreams, can't end an unhealthy or abusive relationship, or feel just plain stuck, here is one of my all time favorite quotes... (I have it on a little pewter angel hanging in my car),


I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face... I say to myself, I've lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along... We must do the things we think we cannot do.

~Eleanor Roosevelt~

Maybe today is the day you decide enough is enough.

Maybe today you will know that you are worth more than what you are getting, and do not deserve what you are tolerating.

Maybe today is the very day you will make a choice that will bring you peace and happiness.

Maybe today you will find the courage inside yourself to do the thing you think you cannot do.

Should I Break Up? How Do I Know When to End my Relationship? Help?

I frequently get emails and comments from women wondering if they should break up, and how to know when a relationship is not working.

Of course there is no one-size-fits all answer, and each relationship is different but here are five guidelines that may help.

Five guidelines to help you know when to break up:

1. If you are in an abusive relationship you are going to continually be hurt emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually or all of the above. Typically the abuse will escalate and increase so holding onto the idea that the relationship will improve is just prolonging the pain. It is not always easy to leave an abusive relationship so I encourage women in this situation to get help and do everything you can to be safe. Leaving a relationship can be a dangerous time so please get help to protect yourself. You will know when you have had enough. I hope this awareness comes sooner rather than later.

2. Men (and women) are not perfect and we are all on a journey of learning and growing so the expectation in a relationship should not be one of a perfect, mistake free partner. On the other hand, it is important to have boundaries and to establish in your own mind what is or is not acceptable. The problems often come when a woman doesn't abide by her personal standards, allows a man to treat her inappropriately or disrespectfully, even cruelly. It may be a good idea to take some alone time and contemplate what is really not tolerable for you.

3. Is your relationship out of balance? Do you feel you are giving and giving and getting little in return? Sometimes women keep trying to keep an unhealthy relationship alive when in fact a man is taking advantage of their hopes. Some women feel they must work harder and harder to be loved but the result is being more and more disrespected. So, ask yourself, is the relationship balanced? Are your concerns, needs, and desires of equal importance to your partner?

4. Do you feel you are giving up yourself to remain in the relationship? If you feel your relationship is drawing out the life in you, if you feel your energy is being sucked out of you, most likely the relationship is not one worth keeping. A partner should be one who brings out the best in you, who supports and cares for you, who give you kindness and brightens your life, not one who seems to weigh you down thwarting your very life.

5. Finally, listen to your gut. I know I repeat this over and over but it is important. You know deep down inside if a relationship is not healthy, if it is harmful to you, if it is hurting your soul and spirit. LISTEN. Notice those nagging feelings, acknowledge those whispers that come to you. There is no reason to remain in a relationship that is harmful to you. You do not need to come up with excuses to remain and you do not need to pretend the relationship is something other than it is. LISTEN to what you know.

My wish is to keep women safe and to support them as they move away from relationships that are harmful and unhealthy.

You do not have to remain in an unhealthy relationship nor do you have to have a man to be whole. In fact, being in a hurtful relationship doesn't help you in any way but actually damages your self esteem and self worth!

If you are with a great guy who treats you well, then working on a relationship is a good idea however, if you are with a not-so-great guy who treats you poorly, it may be time to rethink the relationship!

In Honor of all the Great Men

I often blog about the kind of guys to stay away from, those guys who do not make for a great long term partner, the kind of not-so-great guys who are best left alone. But today I am reminded of how many great guys are out there!

Domestic violence is in the news, and the horror of abuse is in our minds. We know each and every day women are being killed by their partners and the problem is not small or simple.

Today however, rather than focus on abusive men, I want to honor all those men who treat their wives and partners with respect and care and love.

I have been happy to see the many, many men who are speaking out against domestic violence; men who know how to respect their partners and who demonstrate this in their relationships.

While the problem of abuse is rampant, it is also true that many men are great guys and want to be a good partners or husbands. KUDOS to these guys!

So, today I want to take a minute to celebrate the great guys out there! Thanks for being good men, good husbands, good fathers, good human beings!

Why I Am Not a Fan of Casual Sex, or Why You Should Stop Sleeping Around

This post is not about morality, religion, or judgments. It is about reality and practicality and women getting hurt.

This post is to address the many, many emails I get from women who sleep with a guy thinking they are going to have a relationship only to find they get pregnant, an incurable disease or are left brokenhearted. If you do not fall into this catagory then this post is not for you!

OK, with that out of the way let me tell you why I am not a fan of casual sex and why you should stop sleeping with every guy who looks your way or tells you you are wonderful.

First, it is dangerous. You know this. You hear it all the time. Safe sex is taught in schools and this message is nothing new, still, we know millions of girls and women are not getting the message.

These days, unsafe sex with a stranger is not about a 15 minute moment of pleasure it is about all the consequences that go along with it. Too many girls and woman are still getting incurable STDs. Too many girls and women are still getting pregnant without intent. Too many girls are getting stuck with all the ramifications that go along with having sex with a guy (or guys) who are not honest, who do not care about them, and are completely unconcerned about any STD they pass on.

I'm asking for every woman who reads this to take a vow that she will not have sex unless she is 100% sure is safe. (This means knowing, not trusting a stranger but truly knowing his sexual history, and being completely sure it is safe to engage in sex; it means making sure you will not get pregnant).

Right now... promise yourself. Do it out loud or let me know in a comment, just do it. No unsafe sex... EVER!

Secondly, you need to protect your heart. One of the most common scenarios I hear from women is this: She meets a man and falls head over heals in love with him, they have a beautiful night of sex then he never calls again. She is devastate and broken hearted. You know this story right? (Again, if this is not you disregard this post).

See, women need to know that while they may want a relationship and think they are beginning one, these guys who just leave them are wanting sex. Two very different things. Let me repeat this. Wanting a relationship and wanting sex may be two different things. Of course they can be interrelated but they may not. If you are continually getting hurt, it may be that you are connecting the two, when they are separate things.

What happens is this, when some women have sex, all sorts of bonding chemicals flood her brain and she becomes "attached" to the guy. Now, this is a good thing for committed couples but for a woman with a man who is not interested in her, not so good. Why? Because some some guys are not feeling the same thing. They are not having any sort of attachment chemicals fill their brains, do not want a relationship, and do not care one bit if they never see you again.

But, these types of guys can walk away and never look back, while the woman is left devastated.*

(Of course there are women who do not care about the guy they are sleeping with and of course there are men who do care about women they just want for a one night encounter but we are talking about a specific scenario).

Too many women engage in sex thinking they are going to have a great new relationship and the guy will be happy with them for giving them a nice sexual experience, but are left with a broken heart, a serious STD, and an unwanted pregancy.

OK, did you promise yourself you will never have unsafe sex?

Do it!

*I'm not in any way suggesting all men fall into this catagory, I am specifically referring to those men who use women and are not interested in a relationship.

Are you a Gold Digger? Is this a Bad Thing?

We sometimes hear men claim women are just gold diggers They see a woman with a wealthy man and assume that the guy is a jerk and the woman is just wanting to get a rich man.

Do they have a point? What does it really take to be a gold digger and might you be one?

Well, yes there are those women who use a man for his money. No question about this. (I consider these women similar to men who use women for their sexual pleasure). Some women are not interested in a long term, healthy, intimate relationship. They want the fun and extravagance that comes with the toys; they want the prestige that may come as they attach themselves to a powerful male; they want the ego boost they feel by hooking up with an "important" man.

If this describes you read no further. This blog is not really intended for this sort of woman. This blog is about finding a great man for a healthy committed and loving relationship.

And, yes, if you fall into the above category, you are a gold digger. But let's move on.

Let's look a little closer at the dynamic of women attracted to wealthy men. It may be that some human females have inherited a natural tendency to want to attract a male with power. Thousands of years ago, when women were dependent on men for their survival, there was most certainly a survival advantage for hooking up with a powerful male.

Males with the most resources to share were able to keep their mating partner and any offspring alive better than those with fewer resources, specifically, food, shelter, and protection.

So there may be a instinctive tendency in some women to be drawn to men with more resources, or rather, a rich man.

Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting a wealthy and successful man in your life. Successful men may be smart, clever, or have a strong work ethic; they may have skills and accomplishments that are valuable to life. Again, nothing wrong with a successful man. In fact there is a lot to be said for successful guys. No question about this!

In addition, there are women who want a traditional family and want to stay home to parent their children, hoping to have a father who will support the family. This would require a man who is able to support a wife and children. Again, nothing wrong with this at all. It is a wonderful choice for many women.

This doesn't mean a woman just wants a man for his money, it means that a woman wants a successful, confident, competent man with whom she can share her life.

Emotionally stable and healthy women who want a happy marriage and a loving family are going to be attracted to men who seem capable of having both.

The problem comes when a woman mistakenly equates success with goodness.

In other words, just because a man is wealthy or successful does not mean he is a good man or would make a decent long term partner.

Not at all. In fact, some might argue that the most powerful men are actually less faithful and caring, but lets get back to the point.

This is what women today need to remember: in most of the world today, women are not owned by men, nor do they require a man for survival. It is no longer imperative to even attach to a man at all.

The primitive instinct to attach to a wealthy or powerful male for the sake of either survival or for the pleasure of the toys or prestige may be maladaptive. In other words, wealthy and powerful males today do not necessarily equate to the best husbands and fathers. (Just look around)!

Yet, some women may unconsciously place their desire for a wealthy "alpha" male over their desire for a good and decent man who will actually be a really great life partner. This of course could be problematic to say the least.

So, if you are attracted to wealthy, successful men, remember that they are not necessarily great men.

Indeed, they may be but not necessarily.

Take your time to find out, be clear in what is important to you, and don't let the appearance of power and wealth override your instinct in choosing a good man!

And, as always, listen to your gut!






Thanks to my friend Diana for her question!

Is He a Good Talker or a Good Man?

I've received a few comments and emails recently from women who have been manipulated by not so great guys! This quote came to my mind...

"A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker; and a man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker."

Too often women listen to a man and fall for his manipulative words. Many of us are trusting and want to believe what we hear.

Some women want to believe the good in another so badly that they don't see what is really going on.

And, some women want to hear how wonderful they are, they need others to validate their worth, and they want the ego boost that comes from hearing words of devotion and adoration.

But, words do not equate with truth.

There are plenty of guys who know how to say the right words but who have little idea what it takes to be a truly great man.

A good man does more than talk the talk... he walks the walk.
It takes time to know what a guy is really about and it takes conscious effort to know when one is being manipulated.

Stay alert. Notice those red flags. Listen to your gut!

Don't fall for a guy just because he knows how to pretend to be a great guy... words are not enough!

You want a truly fabulous man, not just a guy who knows how to talk!

To All Presidents, Senators, Congressmen, and basically All Politicians....

Is it too much to ask that the men and women running our country have at least a modicum of integrity?

Is it too much to ask that our leaders don't steal, cheat, drive drunk, proposition young interns, engage in child porn, and/or sleep with prostitutes?

Is it too much to ask that the politicians running the country have a basic sense of decency?

Is this really asking too much?

We continually hear government leaders talk about going to church, believing in God, reading scripture, and praying for our country, yet for many, when it comes to their own sense of morality there seems to be a void... a big one.*

What is up with this?

Many normal every day people can get through the day without lying, having affairs, receiving sexual treats from young interns, getting DUIs, or betraying their spouses.

Why can't we expect similarly decent behavior from our leaders?

I mean seriously.

Shouldn't we expect the leaders of our country to be decent, law abiding people?

I'm not asking for Saints or mistake free humans; just men (and women) with a basic sense of integrity.

Now, of course we are all human, we make mistakes, (I'm reminded of the quote, "absolute power corrupts men absolutely," Maybe it is true).

I'm not sure why so many of our Country's politicians are corrupt and I really do not care. What I do care about is decency, honesty, and integrity.

Of course not every single politician is a disgusting, law breaking, conniving, manipulating cheat. I'm sure there are some great people in leadership positions. But it seems harder and harder to identify them.

So, here is the tip of the day... again.

Politicians who continually cheat, lie, have affairs, break laws, drive while drunk, embezzle, sell influence and power are NOT great men. They may on occasion help with one thing or another but they are not great men.

OK, now, big kudos to those men (and women, but this post is about not so good men), in government positions who are honest and law abiding citizens. A shout out to those men who are above bribes, lies, visiting prostitutes, and betraying their wives.




Note: Obviously there are women leaders and politicians, this goes without saying. However, this post is directed toward the not so great men, hence I'm speaking to them.

*I'm not pointing out the need for church attendance or belief in a particular God only that there is a disconnect between men who claim to believe in decency and morality yet live a life seeming void of any sense of integrity or honesty.

How to Tell if a Guy is a Sex Offender

Previously, I have posted thoughts on why dating a sex offender is not a good idea. It seems like this bit of advice is a matter of common sense but some women don't care if a guy has molested children or raped women.

Let me be clear... a guy is not a good prospect for a healthy relationship if he is a pedophile or if he (sexually or otherwise), abuses women.

There is no getting around this.

This is not a little piece of advice to discard.

Molesting children and raping women is not in the same category as a guy who forgets an anniversary or doesn't do his share of the dishes.

Forgiving him is not going to heal him.

Pretending he is a great man is not going to turn him into one.

Ignoring sexual perversion and anger is not going to eliminate the cruelty and disgusting behavior.

If you are one of those women who dismisses this extremely serious problem in a man you might ask yourself why? Are you so desperate for a man in your life that you will take the really disturbed guys who should not be a part of normal human society?

You may say you see the good in him. I don't buy it. While of course everyone has some good in them, the cruel disgusting behavior toward women and children can't be ignored and completely eliminates the possibility for even a remote chance of a healthy happy relationship.

How do you know if a guy is a sex offender?

Of course most sex offenders are not going to come out and tell you of their perversions and sickness but there are signs and red flags. And, in the course of an early relationship you have the opportunity to get to know the man. Take it. Don't assume a guy is wonderful until you find out otherwise. Find out about the guy before you get into a relationship.

First, check out the National Sex Offender
Registry! You can search by name or location! While this is only a beginning and not all sex offenders are registered it is a good start.

Secondly, you can be on the alert for clues.

Briefly, child predators typically are afraid of adult intimacy and may have some sexual dysfunction with women, enjoy time with children (prepubescent boys and girls) more than adults, may date women with children of his desired aged victims, have low self esteem, have a desire for power, have been abused as a child, don't take responsibility for their actions, and desire control over others. Some pedophiles have done jail time but most have not. They typically appear normal (above average education and frequently religious) but may spend a lot of alone time with children and are often unusually popular with children.

Rapists and sexual abusers are typically those men who want to inflict pain, dominate, control, humiliate, and degrade their victims. Rape is not about a "need" for sex but a need for domination. There are actually several different categories of sexual abusers but generally they exhibit a need for power and control. For many men sexual abuse is just one form of a more generalized attitude and behavior of violence toward women.

Has he been to jail? Does his life story check out? Who are his friends? Does he seem secretive? Are there pieces missing? Have you met his family? Does he have anger issues? Does he put women down? Ask the important questions and know the important answers.

Third, listen to your gut. I repeat this advice often because it is extremely important. More than your logical mind, your subconscious is aware of the subtle clues that something is not right. LISTEN! If you get that weird feeling in your stomach, that uneasy sense in your gut, your instincts are telling you that something is wrong. Walk away... or run.

Now, of course there is the possibility for some men to change but a few years in jail is not going to heal anyone. Not by a long shot. Unless someone has done the extraordinary work to heal and change some serious issues, had plenty of time to demonstrate he can live a normal life as a productive healthy human being, it is best to just stay away.

Listen to your gut!

For the Young Women of the World...What is Your Value?

OK... here is today's quiz:

What do the following women have in common?

Hillary Clinton (US Senator), Oprah Winfrey (President Harpo), Meg Whitman (President and CEO Ebay), Condeleezza Rice (US Secretary of State), Angela Merkel (German Chancellor), Ho Ching (CEO Temasek), Cynthia Carroll (CEO Angelo American), Anne Mulcahy (CEO Xerox), Anne Sweeny (President Disney-ABC), Sheila Bair (Chair US Federal Deposit Insurance Corp.), Leslie Stahl (American broadcast journalist), Julie Gerberding (Director Center for Disease Control), Aung San Suu Kyi (Nobel Peace Laureat, deposed Prime Minister Mayanmar), Michelle Bachelet (President Chille), Andrea Jung (CEO Avon), Susan Decker (President yahoo!), Melinda Gates (philanthropist), Brenda Barnes (CEO Sara Lee), Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the House, US House of Representatives), Nancy Tellem (President CBS Paramount), Helen Clark (New Zealand Prime Minister), Ursula Burns (President Xerox), Ellen Johnson Sirleaf (President Liberia), Tarja Halonen (President Finland), Yang Mian Mian (President Haier), Mary McAleese (President Ireland) Ruth Ginsberg (US Supreme Court Justice), Janice Fields (COO McDonalds), Katie Couric (CBS New Anchor), Drew Gilpin Faust (President Harvard), Margaret Chan (Director World Health Organization), Janet Robinson (President and CEO NY Times), Pamela Nicholson (President Enterprise Rent a Car), Anne Moore (President and CEO Time), Clara Furse (Chief Exective London Stock Exchange), Christine Amanpour (Chief International Correspondent CNN), Christine Gold (CEO Western Union), Sharon Allen (Chair Deloitte), Mary Sammons (President and CEO Rite Aid), Yulia Tymoshenko (Prime Minister Ukraine), Indra Nooyi (President and CEO Pepsico), Irene Rosenfeld (Chairman and CEO Kraft Foods), Carol Tome (CFO Home Depot).....

I could go on and on and on, but you get the picture.

What do these women have in common?

Yes, they are all powerful and accomplished women; Presidents of Countries, Presidents of Companies, Nobel Prize winners, accomplished politicians, scientists, journalists, scholars, philanthropists, doctors, leaders, innovators.

But beyond this, they have one more thing in common.

Their identity is not defined by their sexual importance to men.

Let me put this another way. These women do not base their self worth on how valuable their bodies are to men; they do not have the sense that to be validated they must please men.

These are strong women who know who they are. They do not attempt to bolster their self esteem by exploiting themselves or prostituting their bodies. They do not have an excessive need to please men or gain their attention or approval. These women do not believe their value is based on how their body is viewed by guys. They do not get their sense of power by being submissive and subservient. They do not hold to archaic ideas of their place in society as a servant or slave to men.

Nope! These women value themselves as human beings. Their power is in their essence, their spirit, their human-ness; their talents, ideas, and abilities. They have moved beyond those archaic ideas that women are somehow on the planet to please men, that their value is exclusive to their body parts, and that they are limited by ancient roles.

Being valued for who you are does not mean women must forgo their femininity, sexuality, or womanhood. It means they are more than their body, more than a form, more than an object.

In fact, it could be argued that as women embrace the totality of their essence, and live in fullness and balance their sexuality and essence becomes more complete, whole, and vibrant.

For the past six thousand years or so, women depended on men for survival. Women were valued for two traits: their ability to provide children (mostly males), and their ability to please a man sexually and domestically.

But in many parts of the world, we have evolved beyond this. many women today can be educated, participate in society, work outside the home, have a career, and add their contribution to the world in whatever way they choose.

So, why is it that some women still hold onto the archaic idea that their worth is based on their value to guys? Why is it that still today, we see women deny their person-hood to hold onto an unhealthy relationship? Why do we still today see women destroy their spirit, repress their sense of self and give up their identity, their essence, their dignity so they can be attached to a man, any man; even a man who is cruel, authoritarian, and abusive?

Of course the reasons are complex and multifaceted. We are inundated with the message in the media that women are valued for their sexual worth; we have some powerful biology for survival, (as maladaptive as it is in this century), that promotes a propensity toward needing a man; and we have all sorts of cultural, religious, and societal norms that keep women perpetuating stereotypical roles.

But, guess what? We can change all that; we can and many women have.

Just take a look at that list above. These are all amazing women who are leading the way, showing us how it is done, and providing a fabulous example of what real equality, real strength, and real dignity is.

Now, of course, one doesn't have to be a world leader, president of a company, or renown scientist to be strong, have respect, and feel valuable. Not at all. And one doesn't have to relinquish her role as wife or mother to have worth and dignity. Of course not.*

Let me be clear, maintaining a home, raising children, and contributing to a stable community is essential to life.

At some point in the last few hundred women realized that they had gifts to share in addition to their traditional roles. Women had ideas, wanted education, craved the ability to participate in the arts. Women wanted to express their thoughts, opinions, perspectives. Women came to know that they had more worth than their subservience and sexual/procreative value.

And guess what? Women of today need not perpetuate the myth that they are nothing but their bodies.

It is time to move on.

There is no relationship, no man worth sacrificing your dignity and self worth.

Our world craves all the gifts of women. It is yearning for the balance, harmony, and peace that comes when the totality of humankind is valued, honored, and respected.

Our planet is calling out for strong women who respect themselves, who honor their spirit, who won't degrade and denigrate themselves for a relationship, but who will share their unique gifts with the world.

Real power, real strength, real beauty comes when the spirit soars.

And for those looking for a great man, the amazing part of all this is, the stronger you are, the higher your self esteem, the move intrinsic value you feel, the better chance you have of finding a truly fabulous man.

Why?

Because truly great men want a great women. They want a woman who is confident, who honors herself, who has self-respect and dignity.

A big thank you to all those women who show us the way!






*I can think of no job more valuable, essential, and demanding than parenting. Good parenting is essential to the survival of live itself.

Find Out About Happiness.... Joseph Campbell Quote

Find Out About Happiness..... by Jennifer

Why Every Woman Should Vote!

Admittedly, I am rather cynical and largely unimpressed when it comes to politicians and the nonsense that typically accompanies the whole process of electing leaders.

However, I am passionate about the need for women to vote.

Why?

Because for the first time in the history of the world, women have a voice.

As we look at the history of our human experience in this world, it is only in the last hundred years that women have had a voice; a say in what happens in their lives, communities, and country.

The experience of women having a voice and being able to vote is a completely new human development!

It is easy to forget that women did not always have a voice let alone equality.*

Women were not always thought of as equal human beings. In fact they were often considered not fully human; sort of a not-fully formed man.

Since the beginning of recorded human history women were treated as less than equal. Women could not always attend college, be educated, or work in most jobs. Women could not always participate in the arts or athletics, let alone government, business, law, or religion.

It took thousands of years for the consciousness of humankind to evolve to a place where women were understood as full human beings capable of thoughts, opinions, and ideas that mattered; to a place where it mattered to have women's creativity, intelligence, and talents honored and respected.

More recently, in the United States of America, it took a century of women fighting, struggling, and working to change the Constitution to accept women as worthy of a voice.

As a reminder, it was less than one hundred years ago, in 1920, the nineteenth amendment to the United States Constitution passed a law allowing women to vote.

This is incredible!

And yet, 20,000,000 unmarried women in the US did not vote in the last general election.

Come on ladies....

In honor of our forebearers who devoted their time, energy, and lives to give us an equal voice, lets get out and vote!

November forth... VOTE!




To read more about the struggle for women's rights read...What Happened to Feminism?

* I do realize that in much of the world, and even in many communities and belief systems, women still do not have a voice and are a long way from living in a world of equality.

Is He a Bear or a Wolf? You Better Know!

Let's talk about mating strategies for a minute.

Why?

Because if you don't know what a guy's mating strategy is, you just may not pick a good man.

Going back several million years ago, we see animals developing very distinct strategies to get their genes into the next generation. Both strategies seemed to work well for various animals.

We have those animals like the bear where the male is not interested in parenting, offspring, or even any sort of relationship with a female other than using her body for a quick moment of sexual gratification. The male bear tries to inseminate as many females as possible with the hope that some will grow to maturity with the care of the mother.

Then we have animals like the grey wolf who went with a different strategy. These fabulous creatures typically mate for life. Their strategy was to impregnate one female and stay around to help with the cubs to ensure they survive long enough to move into adulthood. (This ability for males to help with children is called parental investment and is an incredible and highly evolved development... fairly new in Homo Sapiens comparatively speaking).

But what about human males?

If you think of the above two mating strategies on two ends of a spectrum, human males are found all along the spectrum. They have the DNA of ancestors that utilized both strategies. However, over time one strategy may have become more pronounced than others.

Some guys have no interest in an actual emotional relationship with a woman and are all about getting into bed with as many females as possible. (This is a very primitive strategy).

At the other end we see some men who are passionate about one woman, who love having a family, and enjoy being with their children. (This is a more highly developed and much newer strategy).

Then there are all sorts of guys in between.

What we know through some extensive research is that about fifty percent of those men who commit to a relationship will be involved in promiscuous behavior, in other words, will have other sexual relationships on the side.*
What this means is that if you are looking for a long term relationship it is best to take a good hard look at the guy and be very aware of his sexual strategy. Chances are, whatever he has demonstrated will not change. As they say, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". Very true.

If a guy seems unable to commit to a relationship, is screwing every woman he can get, is constantly on the look-out for a new woman to use for his pleasure, guess what... he most likely is not going to be a great man for a long term relationship.

His sexual strategy just isn't conducive for a great long term relationship.

On the other hand, if a guy has demonstrated that he loves the idea of a family, wants an intimate and emotional connection with a woman, and clearly enjoys connecting in ways that go beyond the superficial or convenient, he may have in his DNA a strategy that is more compatible with a woman that wants a long term relationship.

Just do not assume that he is going to all of a sudden change just because he found you. Nope. Chances are slim to none. It is nice to think about and nice to hope for, but it is highly unlikely.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting people can't change. Of course they can and do. No question about this. And, of course if we find the person we think is right for us we are more apt to work toward the relationship.

But what isn't true is that a guy is suddenly going to completely change his instincts and behavior because of you. If he changes it will be because he sees the benefit of changing and works toward changing. Put another way, he sees the benefit of altering his behavior and makes the effort and commitment to do so.

While our DNA is powerful and potent, it also seems true that in some cases humans can through conscious effort alter their behavior and decide how and in what ways they want to express their genetic make up.

So, let's think back to a bear... they are just not interested in anything other than sex with a female. That is it. Nothing more. They spread their genes into as many females as possible.

We all know men like this.

Trust me... you don't want this bear sort of guy for a long term relationship.

On the other hand, there are men who more resemble the wolf; men who want a healthy and happy long term relationship and are determined to be faithful in order to have a fulfilling and loving marriage.

So... what is he?

Bear or wolf?

To read more about female sexual strategies read, Are you Fast or Coy?



*While the sexual strategies are different this stat is actually true for women as well, given equal opportunity.

The Ten Most Important Beauty Secrets Ever!

We women are bombarded with thousands of products claiming to help us appear beautiful, young, and attractive to others. We are told that one magic potion or some special formula will make us look fabulously gorgeous, unbelievable glamorous, and forever young.

But I believe that the most wonderful, powerful, and authentic beauty secrets are free and available to every woman in the world.

Let me share the ten most important beauty secrets ever!

1. A genuine smile. There is nothing in the world more attractive. A smile is worth a hundred times more than the most expensive sparkly lipstick. Many years ago I came upon some research attempting to discover what made a woman attractive. The researchers showed hundred of men pictures of all sorts of women and asked them who they would ask out for a date hoping for a long term relationship. It was overwhelmingly clear that the women who were smiling were the ones men found attractive.*Regardless of shape, hair color, height, or any number of measurements, it was a smile that was compelling.

2. Bright eyes. While we may be misled to think that beautiful eyes are created with the thickest, luscious mascara, a new make-up technique, or the right color eye-shadow, bright eyes filled with wonder, interest, peace, curiosity, and concern capture us. The eyes are the window to the soul, they entreat us, compel us, and connect us to one another.

3. Health. Now, I am not talking about those who have a model form and are in perfect shape.... I mean those with a healthy outlook on life, those who care and respect their form, those who have a balanced and centered life. As humans in spite of the greatest care we may not always be in optimum physical, spiritual, and/or emotional health (I believe we need the difficult challenges to grow and develop). But if our underlying sense of self is healthy, if our worldview is one of peace and strength, we can go through the difficult times where our health is challenged with dignity. I've seen the beauty of those who face death with gentleness. I've seen the heartbroken remain beautiful as they hold onto hope and faith amidst enormous difficulty. I've seen those struggling with serious health concerns retain the self-respect and honor that reflects the beauty within.

4. Graciousness. I can't think of a more beautiful trait than graciousness. That loveliest of qualities that helps us feel accepted, cared for, and loved. Graciousness is a dignity filled with respect, concern, and acceptance. It is embracing the highest human qualities while releasing the base and tawdry. Graciousness is ultimately ennobling and fills us with reverence for life and each other. When we are in the presence of a gracious person, we feel the wonder of their beauty and feel beautiful ourselves.

5. A tender gaze. There are few things in life that fill us with peace and love and joy as a tender gaze. Looking at others with love and care is more attractive than all the beauty products humans could ever create. Whether a mother gazes upon her newborn, or lovers gaze upon their beloved, a tender gaze must be one of the most alluring abilities of all.

6. Hands that reach for others. There is a deep alluring grace in those whose lives are dedicated to service, care, and support of those in need. It is as if the souls that live to care and love the world are filled with the very essence of what is beautiful. I do not know of anything more wondrous, majestic, and glorious than seeing the compassion of one human for another.

7. An Authentic Soul. Being in the presence of another who is expressing their true self is like seeing a flower in full bloom. On the other hand, when we see those who are trying to be something other than what they are, we miss their unique beauty.

8. A radiant aura. When all is said and done, true beauty is clearly not a provocative form, a mask or pretense, or glamorous sexy clothing we put on our form. True beauty is a positive, healing, nurturing energy that IS us.

9. Confidence and humility. These come together because they require balance. Over confidence can become elitism, even egotism while humility can move toward insecurity and low self-esteem. What is absolutely gorgeous is a being who is confident and has a strong sense of self blended with an awareness and honoring of the grandeur of their place in the universe.

10. A Loving spirit. There is nothing more attractive than being in the presence of a spirit who loves others and who loves life. Love is a powerful force and humankind is in desperate need of those who can share their love with the world.

True beauty is the pure energy that radiates from our hearts.

Whether you are a young woman who may have bought into the myth of what the world is trying to tell you is beautiful, or if you are a woman moving into a phase of life where the world is telling you, you are no longer beautiful, my hope is to remind us all that we do not have to buy into the superficiality of masks and outward appearance to be valuable and beautiful.

While it is important to care for ourselves, to have respect for our forms, and to honor our bodies; and it is lovely to appropriately attend to our outward appearance, may we not forget that our true beauty is inside, radiating peace, joy, care, and love to the world.

You are a beautiful being... don't forget it!

*This post is not attempting to give advice on how women can attract a man. I use this research to support the idea that there is more to true beauty than what the world seems to think.

I snitched this article from my blog, Goodness Graciousness

Painting by one of my favorite impressionist painters of all time, Mary Cassatt.

How to Tell if a Guy is Not in Love with You... Ten tips!

Are you Being Used? Ten tips to know!

You Know a Guy is Not Good For You If.....

Many women in unhealthy relationships hang on to them regardless of what is happening or how they are being treated.

Why?

This is a complicated question with a complex answer. It has to do with our specific needs, our cultural indoctrination, our individual upbringing, our unique circumstances, and a host of personal choices and experiences.

Regardless of the reasons many women remain with a not-so-great guy, there is one common trait that many women experience: They deny the problems.

Women in unhealthy, even abusive relationships unconsciously find themselves denying there are any problems. They make excuses, rationalize away behavior, and justify all sorts of things as they move deeper into the harmful partnership.

So, this post is intended to give ten clear signs that one is not in a healthy relationship and that the man you are with is not right for you.

If you are wondering if your relationship is a good one or if you should stay, or if maybe you are in the position of not consciously recognizing the problems, don't just quickly read through the list. It may be helpful to take some time and ponder and contemplate the idea before going to the next item. Reflect on your situation, your experiences, and your behavior before you totally dismiss the idea .

Here you go!

You know a guy is not good for you if...

1. You are constantly making excuses for his bad behavior.

2. There are times you feel fear and/or anxiety when you are around him. You are worried how he will react to you or to something you have done.

3. You find yourself giving in to demands that are against your personal sense of decency or morality.

4. His words of love do not match his actions.

5. You keep justifying and denying those nagging feelings that something is not right.

6. He tells you what you want and need.

7. He tries to inhibit or damage your relationships with your friends and family.

8. You find yourself wanting to inappropriate please him to gain his approval or love.

9. You feel you have to live a secret life (that doesn't involve anything inappropriate) so he won't get angry.

10. He has emotionally or physically abused you.

To be clear, I am a firm believer that people can and do change with significant help and appropriate intervention; and with lots of work.

However, when a relationship is harming your spirit, damaging your self-esteem, wasting your time and energy it is time to move on.

I've said this before but you do not need a relationship that is destroying your spirit or harming your life.

There is no man on the planet worth this.

And, you don't have to have a man to have self-worth.

In fact, being with a not-so-great man is not helping your self esteem it is DESTROYING it.

Better to be without a man than be with a hurtful man who is not right for you.

Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don't... you are going to love this book!

Do you want something really new to do this weekend? Something that will get you laughing and help you manage life? Something that will help you know yourself better and get you thinking in all sorts of new directions, as you smile and chuckle along the way?

If so, turn off your television, move away from the computer, stop texting, and turn your cell phone on vib.

Then go to your local bookstore and get, Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don't, by Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler.

This is going to be your new handbook for friendships; a must have book to navigate this new world of tech into which we have entered.

While Friends or Frenemy? is written with a witty sense of humor and is chock full of fun it is a book that addresses many of the serious issues we face as we enter this new century.

Navigating friendships, relationships, and family in a world of instant communication and unlimited acquaintances is new to the human experience. Friend or Frenemy takes a delightful yet honest look at how we have to readjust our thinking and behavior to manage this literal onslaught of virtual interactions.

Andrea and Jessica have done a superb job addressing real problems and challenges we face as we begin this new century, in a delightful, entertaining, and charming way.

Friend or Freneny? provides much needed advice, shares numerous personal stories and anecdotes, is filled with numerous charts, diagrams, and quizzes, and is brimming with so much practical information you won't know how you survived without it.

You will learn things like...How to detox from your digital habit, cliff notes for social interaction, how to make friends at work; seven ways to become a better family member, how to know if a friendship is worth saving, what to do about guy friends; how to be a girlfriend and a girl friend, and the Ten Friend Commandments! (I love these)... Oh, and one of my favorite sections, The Users, Losers, and Abusers, who need to De-My Space Right now. And this is just a beginning!

Friend or Frenemy? is so full of information you will find yourself returning to it over and over, not only for the important information and welcomed guidance but for the pure enjoyment of reading a delightful book about friends, family, and life.


Check it out...
Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the ones You Don't

You Don't want to be with a Guy who Doesn't want to be with You

Why is it that some women refuse to acknowledge that a man doesn't want to be with them?

I'm pretty sure everyone reading this blog has encountered at least one woman who has done everything she can to not have to admit that a man is not interested in her.

Why is this phenomenon so prevalent?

Why is it that some women struggle admitting the fact that a man may not be into her?

Of course we know why. To acknowledge that a man isn't interested in us gives us the feeling that we are somehow inferior, or unattractive, or not valuable.

Still, women come up with all sorts of excuses for the man rather than just admit the relationship is not to be.

"He really loves me but...."

"He is tired."

"He just has to work a lot lately."

"He is having problems with his friends."

"He has a lot of other commitments."

"He just lost my phone numbers."

The list goes on and on and on.

The reality is, some guys are just not into some women.

It is OK. It doesn't mean you are not a fabulous, fantastic, wonderful woman. It just means that the guy is not right for you.

Now, here is the important point... read carefully:

You don't want a man who doesn't want to be with you.

Again...

You don't want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you.*

And, you don't want to humiliate yourself by begging, pleading, or demanding that some guy love you.

If a man doesn't want to be with you, the best way to handle it is to just admit that he is not right for you, acknowledge that you do not want a man who does not want you, and move on.

No calling him. No trying to manipulate him. No degrading yourself with all sorts of offers to accommodate him.

And especially no being sleazy or tawdry behavior to try to get him to have sex with you.

You move on gracefully and with your self respect.

Now, the reality is there may be a lot of heartache. Ending a relationship is often filled with pain and sorrow.

So, yes it is appropriate to grieve, to feel badly, and to cry. Of course.

But the more you deny the inevitable, the more you hold onto the hope that he really is in love with you, the more you plead and beg, the less able you are to move on to a healthy life.

If you are with a man who does not want to be with you, hold your head up high. Take it like a strong and valuable woman who knows her worth. Don't demean yourself by becoming annoying and irritating as you try to make him see how fabulous you are.

You don't need a man to make you happy.

More importantly, you don't need a man who doesn't want to be with you.



*Reread as many times as it takes to remember this point!

Inspire Women, Share Your Stories

Since beginning this blog nearly two years ago, I have received hundreds of touching and inspiring emails and comments from amazing men and women who have shared their experiences with me and my readers.

I know that the comments and personal stories often provide inspiration and hope for other women hoping to find a great man.

So, this thread is created specifically for readers to share their stories to help uplift and inspire other women.

I invite everyone who has learned from experience to share their thoughts, insights, and wisdom.

Please post your story or life lesson in the comments of this thread for all to read!

This thread is not intended as a forum for bashing men but to share lessons you have learned to help other women on their journey!

Thank you for your contributions!

Jennifer

I will post this thread in the sidebar so it will stay available for my readers!

What is Important in a Dress?

As women we like to be attractive. In the United States and many other countries throughout the world, we spend billions of dollars on make-up, beautiful clothing, and every possible way to improve our appearance.

We exercise, diet, and purchase all sorts of products that may help us look and feel better.

But we must never forget what the brilliant, fabulous French designer, Yves Saint Laurent most eloquently reminded us:

"What is important in a dress is the woman wearing it."

ABSOLUTELY!

Yves passed away this past June.

The Fabulous Secret Men Don't Know About Themselves

It is weird.

The media portrays the idea that a guy must be strong and powerful and wealthy and good looking and successful to be considered a good guy.

Of course we all know this is nonsense and as we can see virtually each day in the news, powerful and wealthy men are not always even decent let alone worthy of a great woman.

But here is what is so funny...

Guys do not realize how totally attractive and sexy it is to be gentle and tender.

In my informal "research" I have asked virtually every woman I know and so far 100% of women think it is totally sexy to see a guy being kind and caring.


For example.. I have asked what women think of a father playing with children.

Totally sexy.

How about a guy caring for his sick grandmother?

AMAZING!

How about a man holding a baby?

Wildly hot!

Yeah, guys don't seem to know this little fact.

Of course it all makes sense.

We have evolved to be attracted to those who will help us get our genes into the next generation and to keep our offspring alive. While our most primitive sense of attraction is strictly sexual in nature, and is there to simply get a woman impregnated by a healthy male, our more evolved brain is looking for a great guy who will be a partner and actually help us with parenting. "Male Parental Investment" is a fairly new phenomenon in terms of human evolution and is clearly more advanced and more beneficial for children, and our subconscious mind is very aware of signs that tell us a man will be a good father and care for his offspring. Signs like care and devotion.

But here is the problem. Sometimes women allow their more primitive instincts to rule their more evolved brain. Women who are attracted to the Alpha Male types are focused on the very old sexual urge that is primarily about getting DNA. Nothing more.

On the other hand, women who want a long term relationship and seek a mate who will be there to parent their children are attracted to those men who show signs a man will care for others.

But of course there are times when it all gets mixed up.

So, women, if you are wanting a long term relationship or wanting a family is may be wise to notice the kinds of men to whom you are attracted.

Become aware of what you want, what you look for in a man, and what sorts of men truly demonstrate the types of traits that are important to you. Don't let your primitive reptilian brain take over. use your highly evolved brain to help you chose a partner.

Now before I hear any complaints about, yes of course there are great men who are wealthy and successful. Definitely. Absolutely. I know many.

The point is, just because a man is wealthy or attractive or powerful doesn't mean he is going to be a great man for you or a good partner for a long term relationship.

And for all the male readers... just thought you would want to know how women view your gentle and tender side!

The Importance of Educating Girls - the Fabulous Helen Fisher Speaks!

Helen Fisher is one of my favorite anthropologists and authors!

She knows what she is talking about so listen up!

Can't Get Over a Jerk? Here is Help

Women all over the world are tired of hooking up with not-so-great guys.

Some are in relationships they know are unhealthy yet they feel trapped.

Then there are women who find themselves continually picking really harmful and abusive men.

And, some women know they are being used but just can't seem to get over a not-so-great guy.

What do you do?

This blog was created to help you find a great guy and move on from those not so great relationships, so hopefully you have found some ideas and inspiration while visiting. But in addition to this I have created a few visual reminders to help women stop picking jerks and start on the road to healthy relationships.

Let me explain how this works.

There is some fascinating research showing how the words we read impact the choices we make and alter how we experience life.

What the research is showing is that just reading some words actually changes the way we view the world, and subconsciously impacts our decisions, interactions, and outlook.

So, with that in mind, a simple way to remind yourself to move in a more positive and healthy direction, to let go of an unhealthy relationship, and to find the strength in yourself is to read positive healing words that will support your subconscious in making healthy choices.

I created these two 8x10 healing words visual reminders to give you a tool to help you move on!

You can purchase a healing word picture for $15.00 (includes shipping), and I will send it off to you pronto!

Put the healing words print on your refrigerator, frame it, or hang it over your bed to remind you to find a healthy relationship. Just read the words each day and your subconscious will help you release your tendency to pick not so great guys.

For those of you who know a woman (friend, daughter, sister) who needs help in this area, you may consider giving a healing word print to help her move on and stop hooking up with the wrong kind of guy.

If you are one of those women who need help letting go of a bad relationship, getting the strength to get out of an abusive situation, or motivation to be a great women deserving a great guy, go ahead and get your healing word print!

If you wish to purchase a healing word print, simply click on the PayPal button and specify which healing word print you want in the PayPal customer notes when you checkout!

Ready to frame, 8x10 healing word prints are filled with words, symbols, and phrases to help you let go of unhealthy relationships and move on with strength and optimism. Prints are reproductions of an ink and watercolor painting, professionally printed on card stock quality paper.

Each print is only $15.00, and shipping is included the U.S. and Canada.

Cool RESEARCH on the effect and influence of words

In the fabulous book, Kluge by Gary Marcus, he shares some examples of the amazing power words have to alter our behavior and choices.

For a few examples Gary sites research that demonstrates people who were asked if they would buy a car were almost twice as likely to do so as those who were not asked the question. (Page 83).

Marcus shows how reading a list of eight words completely altered how people described a person. (Page 43).

He shows how a drink associated with a split second view of a happy face actually made people enjoy the drink more. (Page 88).

Our words may just be more powerful than we think!


As a hypnotherapist, I try to utilize numerous techniques to elicit the help of the subconscious. As we learn about the brain and how we make the choices that we do, I think it is important to incorporate the knowledge we have to help us make healthy decisions.

To view larger image click on painting!

What Not To Wear if You Don't Want to Look Desperate...

Recently I have noticed women wearing some rather odd clothing. I've seen some women dress so inappropriately that they look more than desperate, more than sleazy, actually silly is the word that comes to mind.

Let me give you a few examples.

While visiting Disney World, I noticed a few women wearing stilettos... bright and beautiful shoes if they were going out for the evening but traipsing around the Magic Kingdom in 105 degree weather with three inch spiked heels seemed really bizarre. Beyond desperate!

Or the seriously tacky trend to have all your underwear showing. Now we all love beautiful lingerie but showing it off in a business meeting is just plain unprofessional. Desperate for sure.

In a store yesterday I saw a couple of women wearing clothing so tight that every little role and ripple was clear and distinguishable. It didn't look sexy or hot, which was the look they seemed to be going for, it looked unattractive and trashy. Yep... looking desperate!

It is great to feel attractive, look nice, and pay attention to appearance, but desperate women think appearance is more important than being a great woman. As I have said before, great men want more than an attractive object, they are interested in fabulous women who bring vitality, strength, and life to a true relationship.

The bottom line is... if you are desperate you are not going to find a great man. It just won't happen. Why? Because desperate women are low on the mating scale. If you look desperate, you are going to attract guys who are not interested in finding a great woman but will settle for whomever is available. Desperate women are easy to get. Of course it may not be a conscious decision on the part of guys but you can be assured that instinctively men know what women they can pick up for an easy one night stand, and those women who are more particular and careful.

There is a big difference between looking fabulous and looking ridiculous. You can look sexy and hot without looking cheap and desperate!

How to Get Out of a Bad Relationship, and Survive with Your Heart Intact

I've posted a few articles on this topic, (you can read them here and here), but this article is intended to give some specific techniques to help get you through the confusion, heartache, and struggle when a relationship comes to an end, so you can move on and get your life back again.

You know your relationship is unhealthy. You know your partner is not for you. You know you need to get out.

But is hurts. You feel conflicted, confused, dependent. You are not sure of yourself or your decisions.

Or you have ended the relationship but feel stuck, knowing you did the right thing but not really getting over it.

What do you do?

Here are five (and one extra special) specific techniques to help you end, truly end the relationship, get over the guy, and move on to a healthy and happy life.

1. Create a vision and hold it in your heart. The more you are clear what you want, the more your subconscious will take you there. Take some time each day to explore and clarify what a healthy relationship looks like to you. Allow yourself to imagine, day dream, and play with the idea of being in a good relationship where you are loved and cherished. How does it feel to be cared for? Can you imagine what it is like to have a man be supportive of your dreams; a guy who lives honorably and decently? Hold this image in your mind! Write down your thoughts, draw a picture, or create a poem... just make the image real and concrete to you.

What happens is, when your subconscious is convinced there is something more, it will move you there and release that which is unhealthy.

Here is a little technique that is often helpful. As you ponder your vision, play some music that is really inspiring to you. It must be uplifting and energizing... nothing melancholy here. But if you play this music as you envision your life and relationships, each time you hear the music it will naturally create the positive emotions that you have linked to the music.

2. Create a plan. When you are feeling well, get a supportive friend or loved one to help you write down your plan for your healing. List those things you need in a relationship for it to be healthy. Create a statement that defines what a good relationship is to you. Get REALLY clear on how you can tell if a guy is a good man and worthy of your time and energy.

Set some CLEAR boundaries. For example, you will not return a call from the guy; or you will no longer allow yourself to let him take even one minute of your energy; or you are done thinking about him, talking about him, or letting him in your life.

3. Nourish yourself. OK, this is really important. The stronger, more secure, more centered you are, the more you will be headed for a healthy relationship and a good man, and the less you will be willing to settle for something unhealthy or even hurtful. I can't emphasize this enough.

What nourishes you? Think about this for a while. Often we go through life without taking the time to really know so really ponder this. What gives you feelings of peace, enjoyment, serenity? Of course pure joy doesn't come from outside ourselves but that which we take into our lives is what creates the environment for us to either flourish or wilt. List ten nourishing actions you can take.

After listing ten activities or experiences that nourish you, decide to take these into your life. Make them a priority. Invest in yourself.

Often after difficult relationships end, a woman is left depleted, hurt, like a dried up flower left on a porch. For the flower to revive it needs sunlight, water... care. So now is the time to care for yourself.

4. Get rid of those memories. This may be difficult for some until they learn how easy it is. We tend to hold onto the good times almost becoming dependent on our past. You may relive and replay over and over memories. Your mind may be so habitualized to the relationship that you are in a deep rut and your mind can't seem to get out of it. So you need to do some very practical techniques to create new pathways in your brain to heal.

As a hypnotherapist we often use what is called a "thought stopping" technique. It is simple and yet very powerful. Here is how it works: the minute a memory or unwanted thought comes into your mind, you consciously tell yourself you do not want those thoughts and bring an image into your mind to cancel them out. You could imagine a big circle with a red X though it, or maybe an eraser erasing the thought on a black board, or a tide coming in and wiping out words on a beach.. whatever works for you, find an image to erase the thought and memory.

Then, you "change your state". This is another technique that works REALLY well but can be sort of silly. Whenever you find yourself in those moments of pain and anguish, you do something crazy or wild to change your state of mind. What happens is, by doing a really odd or silly behavior you actually break the emotional rut that is in your brain.


Typically, when we feel down or blue we get stuck and almost hold onto the negativity, but if in that state you got up and did twenty jumping jacks, you would notice it is difficult to remain sad. Or, if you are wallowing in sorrow, you did a somersault or cartwheel, made a clown face or poured water on your head, you would feel so silly, most likely you would laugh and immediately break the cycle.

In time, (often very quickly) the pathway is broken, and you will find your mind no longer holding onto the habit of returning to the painful memories.

5. Create a mantra. This is another fun technique to help move on. You come up with a little lyric or funny mantra to say to yourself every time you notice you are headed towards going back or reliving a memory. Play with it, get your friends to help you think of something funny. You memorize it, put it on sticky notes all over your house, write in on your mirror, and say it every time you need to remind yourself to get over it, move on, and live a healthy life.

To sum it up, take care of yourself, create your life the way you want it to be, do everything you can to break those cycles of memories and negativity. Become as strong and centered as you can. Bring into your life all that brings nourishment and health.

Now, after you have done all the above I have one last little secret trick for you. Well, it is not actually a secret but it is a very powerful technique to help with your healing.

OK, ready? Put on your inspirational music and then....

Take out a piece of paper and fold it in two. On the first half of the paper, on the bottom or top write today's date. On the second half of the paper write the date you are going to feel well and happy again. OK, now, draw a picture on today's side of how your feel today. Draw anything that can help you describe or demonstrate how you feel. Then, on the other side, draw something that will help you visualize how it will feel when you are happy and over the relationship. Really make it vivid. Draw flowers or sunshines or stars and hearts or whatever comes to you; make the picture beautiful and bright and alive.

Now, hang up the picture where you will see it everyday. Guess what? You are going to feel well and healthy on the date you wrote down. Just you wait!

Lots of love to those who are struggling....

Jennifer







Please note... if you are in an abusive or dangerous relationship, please get professional help to be safe.

How to Manage Your Anger

I have written several posts on abuse for women, (you can read here), so this post is directed toward men* who may be abusive, or who are in need of some help managing their anger.

This topic is one that could easily fill volumes, and this short post is not meant to be a treatise on the subject. My hope is to give some insights and ideas to better manage ones anger.

How to manage your anger....

I approach the management of anger from two perspectives:

1. In the moment anger and

2. Underlying issues that cause the anger.

Let me elaborate.

We all get angry. It is an appropriate response to some stimuli or events, but there are both healthy and harmful ways to manage this emotion. In the moment management are techniques and suggestions to handle those times when we get angry so there will be no harm.

However, in abusive situations there are typically underlying issues that lead to anger and very harmful demonstrations of it. Having worked with hundreds of male abusers, I would say nearly all men involved with domestic violence have underlying issues of shame.

I would highly recommend anyone who is abusive to get serious therapeutic counseling by a trained professional who specializes in issues of abuse and anger. The underlying issues can be dealt with and healing can take place.

For this post, I want to share five general ideas for the management of anger in the moment. This post is not intended to resolve underlying issues which need professional help.

1. Change perspective.

Have you ever been driving in a car and someone pulled out in front of you and you yell some obscenity at them or show the driver a particular finger? You get angry as a response to the (likely) mistake of another.

Now, what if you realized that the driver in front of you was actually your grandmother who inadvertently pulled out without seeing you? For most people, the anger instantly disappears.

Why? Because in the realization, in a moment of receiving new knowledge the situation completely changed. Did anything concrete change? No. Just your perspective and understanding.

When in a heated argument, what can you think of that would change your perspective. You may picture your boss, the police, or religious leader walking in seeing you in this rage, or maybe a child getting hit by something you throw intended for your spouse. You might visualize your partner being in the hospital, in the ICU fighting for her life after being hit in the head by you.

Take some time to ponder how you can change perspective.

2. Create a plan.

To manage anger in the moment, you must create a plan.

When you are in a happy mood and all is well, you come up with a plan on how you will behave and manage your anger the next time you are in a difficult situation when your anger is emerging. Do some brainstorming here. Come up with all those things that help you, write them down, create a list, post them where you can see and memorize them. Have them handy and available.

3. Specific techniques to manage anger.

Often a conversation may get heated and it escalates until there is little chance for a happy ending. The best advice is to intervene PRIOR to the escalating. As soon as you notice you are getting out of control (or even before this), stop. Just stop. Break your state.

You take a minute to do some deep breathing. You change position or body posture. You get a drink of water (not alcohol). Pour water on your face, jump up and down, or do something weird, whatever you have to to change your anger state. Have several ideas already in place so you know, as soon as you feel yourself moving toward a dangerous place, you have ready ideas on how you will stop the anger from exploding.

4. Should you walk away if you are angry?

This is a tricky question. If you are about to beat up your partner, of course it is better to walk away. No question about this. However, some men walk away as a display of power and control. In other words, if they walk away and refuse to discuss an issue or engage in a conversation, they are the ones who have control over the situation. They want to retain their power and do this by not engaging in that with which they are uncomfortable.

What is more appropriate is to have a plan. Have an honest conversation PRIOR to any difficult situation, to discuss with your partner how one will manage the anger. It can be decided that if a discussion is getting heated, both partners, or either partner can take a fifteen minute break to calm down, then return to the discussion.

5. Prevention is everything.

There is significant research to demonstrate that we can prevent explosive anger to a large degree. The more at peace one is, the more relaxed, the happier, the less emotional outbursts will occur and the better one can manage anger. However, as I mentioned there is often much more to abuse than stress and unhappiness.

Again, there is absolutely NO excuse for abuse, and as I have stated, an abuser needs serious help to deal with underlying issues of power and control.

If you know you have a problem get help now, right today. Make the phone call. We know from research that abuse tends to escalate. If you are emotionally abusing right now, it very likely will move toward physical abuse. If you have already engaged in pushing, hitting, and throwing behavior, the abuse will move toward even more serious, dangerous, and hurtful behavior.

Please get help.

Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

More on abuse..

Thank you to the anonymous man who requested this excellent topic.

*I do realize women can also be abusive. This post is intended for men who have issues dealing with anger.

Will a Married Man Leave His Family for his Mistress?

Do married men leave their wives and families for a mistress?

The answer is a profound, clear, resounding, NO.

Statistics for men leaving their wives and families for a mistress are somewhere around 2-4 percent, but of those, the relationships that actually become healthy long term partnerships are virtually non-existent.

All the women who are in a relationship with a married man, who think they are the exception are fooling themselves and not facing reality.

Why is it that married men do not leave their wives and families for that young, sexy, available mistress?

If a man says he loves his mistress (which may very well be manipulative behavior to keep another woman around), why won't he leave?

Lets look at this question from two perspectives:

First lets talk about biology and evolution, then we can go on to practical matters.

There has been extraordinary research done on relationships, partnering patterns, and sexual strategies. (Helen Fisher, David Buss, and Jared Diamond to name a few of my favorite researchers). What is clear and consistent, cross culturally and historically is that humans pair bond. What this means is that humans instinctively sexually, emotionally bond with one person at a time. There is no question about this, the research is robust. Now, about fifty percent of men (and women given similar opportunities), may have a sexual relationship on this side but they bond with one mate at a time. The affair is not the primary bond, it is sex on the side.

Humans enjoy the family relationship. They enjoy the bond that comes with living together as a family unity. The fact that men* may have additional sexual partners on the side does not ignore the reality that men enjoy the security, comfort, and love of a family. If a man is bonded to his wife and children, a woman or two on the side is not going to replace his family, it is just an additional bit of sex.

Evolution seems to have created a strong and powerful sense of familial care to ensure the survival of ones offspring. While this instinct may not even be consciously recognized, it is there nonetheless.

Here is what happens. Males (in many animal and bird species, including human) instinctively know that investing their resources in their offspring of the female to whom they are bonded give their offspring the best chance of survival. Some males however, engage in the sexual strategy of spreading their sperm with other females (promiscuous behavior), to allow the possibility that their sperm may result in additional offspring; offspring to whom they will not have to provide resources.

We see this sexual strategy over and over and over again in the animal world and in numerous human societies all over our planet. Couples pair bond and some engage in promiscuous behavior on the side.

Now, from a more practical perspective.

Why would a married man with a nice family leave for another woman? He has everything to lose and nothing to gain. Let's be really clear here. Why would a man who has a nice family destroy it for another woman when he can have his family AND extra sex on the side?

It makes no sense. Of course he will keep his family right along with whatever women will accommodate his desire for extra sex. You don't have to be a brain scientist or an expert on evolution to understand this.

So, for all the women who think their affair with a married man is going to end in some fairy tale romance where the man leaves his family for you, think again. It is not going to happen.

The passion, sex, and excitement is going to wear off; you will continue to be used for sex; he is not going to leave his family.

Your heart will be broken when he decides he no longer wants you around.

Is a married man going to leave his wife for a mistress?

Nope. Not a chance.




*Of course this is true for woman as well but this post is directed toward married men.

I found this fabulous photograph on Bob Mobile.

Where are the Good Men? Three Important Keys

One of the most common questions I receive is, where are the great men?

Where are the Good men? Do they exist? Are they out there somewhere?

Yes there are great men.... no question about this! The problem is not that they don't exist, it is that women are not looking in the right places.

Let me share three ideas to help you discover where there are great men.

First, if you are not finding a good man, then look somewhere else.
We all know that if we keep doing the same things over and over we will get the same results over and over... right? When was the last time you engaged in a new activity?

Do something different. Meet new people. Participate in a variety of activities and events. What is going on in your community? Check out the University. Enroll in a class. Find something in which you are interested and chances are you will find others with a similar interest.

Most likely you are stuck in some sort of routine, repeating patterns set some time ago right?

Change it up!

Next, think about the kind of great man you really want, then consider where these types of men spend their time.

For example, if you want a man who respects women, don't hang out in places where men are disrespectful. This isn't brain science but seems some women forget this very basic knowledge.

The problem some women have is that they go looking for a guy who will give them attention, but don't pay attention to what sort of guys they are attracting.

To be really clear, great guys are not hanging around not-so-great guys.

Finally, great men are doing something with their lives.

They are accomplishing something. They are involved and engaged. If you want to find a great man, you must be engaged in life as well.

Spending every free minute looking for a man is not what I mean. No, I'm talking about truly engaging in life. Learning, growing, creating, sharing, helping, giving.

Sitting around whining and complaining, hanging out at the bar, repeating the mantra that all men are jerks is not really going to help the situation.

Here is the bottom line, women who think that all they have to do is look hot and know how to flirt to get a great guy are fooling themselves. Yeah, you might get a guy but not a great one. Remember a cat call and a guy staring at your cleavage is not the same as finding a really fabulous man.

The reality is, a great man wants a great woman.

Simple as that!

To All Perverts.... Listen Up

OK, Perverts this post is for you.

STOP SCREWING CHILDREN!

I do not care if you are a sports star, a TV star, or a movie star.

I do not care if you are a governor, a senator, or the president.

I do not care if you think you are a prophet, if you think angels are talking to you, or if you think God or Allah or some other diety is commanding you to sexually use children.

In fact I don't care if you think you are King of the world, or God Himself.

STOP SCREWING CHILDREN.

If you are into child porn, child sexual abuse, or sexually fantasizing about children you are sick and you need help.

I do not care what you have to do to stop yourself from harming children but do whatever it takes; lock yourself in a closet, turn yourself in to authorities, or castrate yourself. I don't care.

Just stop screwing children.

All your excuses for your perversions are just ridiculous nonsensical justifications for your sickness so let me be clear:

You are harming children. There is nothing, NOTHING that makes your sickness anything but disgusting, despicable, revolting, and cruel. You know this.

So, stop it.

Child sexual predators are the most disgusting of human beings and need to be removed from society. If you are one of the perverts of whom I speak, get a clue, get help, and ...

STOP SCREWING CHILDREN!

Ladies, I don't need to tell you what you already know: A guy into child porn and child sexual abuse is sick, seriously sick; he is not a great guy by anyone's standards.