How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk

"It's You I Like" A Quote About Greatness

2010-01-20T06:45:00.000-08:00

In a world, that often worships wealth, beauty, prestige and power, I'm reminded of a simple quote that speaks to me of true greatness!

"When I say it's you I like, I'm talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed."

— Fred Rogers

Greatness isn't about wealth, beauty, prestige, and power. It is about kindness, care, respect, integrity, and decency!

And, speaking of great men, Fred Rogers was certainly one of them!

Why I Started this Blog... and the death of my brother

2009-08-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Periodically I get some less than kind emails from people who seem to think I must hate men or have had some horrible experience with men hence I have an "issue."

Not so... the truth is, (and as most readers recognize), I started this blog because I believe there are many fabulous men in this world who are not given a chance, and women who may have a difficult time recognizing the truly great men who are available. My hope is to help women see what makes a great guy and help them stay away from men who are abusive and cruel.

In my opinion, the more women value themselves, and value the things that are important in life, the less they will be victims of abuse. The higher the self-esteem of a woman, the less frequently she will partner with a man who needs power and control over her.

I have been fortunate to have many incredible men in my life playing numerous rolls. One particularly amazing man just left this world.

Last week, after a long and difficult struggle with cancer my incredible brother died.

When I think of truly great men, my brother immediately comes to mind. He exemplified what it means to be a man of honor, integrity, kindness, and decency. He was the epitome of excellence in character, behavior, and goodness. He was a truly great man in every way.

He was and always will be an inspiration to all those who knew him. He was an example of what it means to be an exceptional human being.

I miss him so much.

To the many people who have recently emailed me or left comments, please accept my apology for not responding. Over the last few months, I have been out of town away from my computer, spending time with my brother through his approaching death, and finally attending his funeral.

Love to all,

Jennifer

You Don't Need a Guy Who..... Ten reasons to get out of a bad relationship!

2009-07-13T06:28:00.000-07:00

Many women seem to have this need to be with a guy. We humans do like relationships but what is disconcerting is the idea that as long as a woman has a man all is well.

Not so!

Having a guy in your life should not be the dream; how about having a decent guy in your life?

A great relationship is one where both partners are helping and supporting each other, sharing their lives together, bringing out the best in one another.

Too often women seem to take whomever is available rather than pondering what is going on in her life as a result of the relationship.

So here is a brief list of some things to look for to help you know if a guy is not right for you:

You don't need a guys who...

1. Makes you feel like a piece of garbage
2. Lies, deceives and manipulates you
3. Can't be faithful
4. Doesn't think you are amazing
5. Can't stop thinking about former or future relationships
6. Is rude, disrespectful, and mean
7. Requires you dismiss or ignore your personal standards, ethics, and sense of morality
8. Embarrasses and humiliates you
9. Uses you
10. Abuses you!

I know this list is nothing new. We all know this but sometimes it is good to have a reminder so we can take a good honest look at the relationship and see it for what it is.

It is great to find a fabulous man and to have a healthy and vibrant relationship; what is not so good is to be with a guy who treats your poorly and who diminishes and degrades you.

No guy is worth giving up your emotional, physical, or spiritual well being.

If you are in a relationship that you know is harming your very soul, time to get out and move on. I know it is not always a simple and easy task nevertheless, best to not give another day to a man who is hurting your life!

Be safe!

Maybe today is the day you can change your life? My favorite quote by Eleanor Roosevelt

2009-07-06T06:16:00.001-07:00

For all the women who feel they can't move on, can't reach their dreams, can't end an unhealthy or abusive relationship, or feel just plain stuck, here is one of my all time favorite quotes... (I have it on a little pewter angel hanging in my car),

I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face... I say to myself, I've lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along... We must do the things we think we cannot do.

~Eleanor Roosevelt~

Maybe today is the day you decide enough is enough.

Maybe today you will know that you are worth more than what you are getting, and do not deserve what you are tolerating.

Maybe today is the very day you will make a choice that will bring you peace and happiness.

Maybe today you will find the courage inside yourself to do the thing you think you cannot do.

Should I Break Up? How Do I Know When to End my Relationship? Help?

2009-05-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

I frequently get emails and comments from women wondering if they should break up, and how to know when a relationship is not working.

Of course there is no one-size-fits all answer, and each relationship is different but here are five guidelines that may help.

Five guidelines to help you know when to break up:

1. If you are in an abusive relationship you are going to continually be hurt emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually or all of the above. Typically the abuse will escalate and increase so holding onto the idea that the relationship will improve is just prolonging the pain. It is not always easy to leave an abusive relationship so I encourage women in this situation to get help and do everything you can to be safe. Leaving a relationship can be a dangerous time so please get help to protect yourself. You will know when you have had enough. I hope this awareness comes sooner rather than later.

2. Men (and women) are not perfect and we are all on a journey of learning and growing so the expectation in a relationship should not be one of a perfect, mistake free partner. On the other hand, it is important to have boundaries and to establish in your own mind what is or is not acceptable. The problems often come when a woman doesn't abide by her personal standards, allows a man to treat her inappropriately or disrespectfully, even cruelly. It may be a good idea to take some alone time and contemplate what is really not tolerable for you.

3. Is your relationship out of balance? Do you feel you are giving and giving and getting little in return? Sometimes women keep trying to keep an unhealthy relationship alive when in fact a man is taking advantage of their hopes. Some women feel they must work harder and harder to be loved but the result is being more and more disrespected. So, ask yourself, is the relationship balanced? Are your concerns, needs, and desires of equal importance to your partner?

4. Do you feel you are giving up yourself to remain in the relationship? If you feel your relationship is drawing out the life in you, if you feel your energy is being sucked out of you, most likely the relationship is not one worth keeping. A partner should be one who brings out the best in you, who supports and cares for you, who give you kindness and brightens your life, not one who seems to weigh you down thwarting your very life.

5. Finally, listen to your gut. I know I repeat this over and over but it is important. You know deep down inside if a relationship is not healthy, if it is harmful to you, if it is hurting your soul and spirit. LISTEN. Notice those nagging feelings, acknowledge those whispers that come to you. There is no reason to remain in a relationship that is harmful to you. You do not need to come up with excuses to remain and you do not need to pretend the relationship is something other than it is. LISTEN to what you know.

My wish is to keep women safe and to support them as they move away from relationships that are harmful and unhealthy.

You do not have to remain in an unhealthy relationship nor do you have to have a man to be whole. In fact, being in a hurtful relationship doesn't help you in any way but actually damages your self esteem and self worth!

If you are with a great guy who treats you well, then working on a relationship is a good idea however, if you are with a not-so-great guy who treats you poorly, it may be time to rethink the relationship!

In Honor of all the Great Men

2009-03-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

I often blog about the kind of guys to stay away from, those guys who do not make for a great long term partner, the kind of not-so-great guys who are best left alone. But today I am reminded of how many great guys are out there!

Domestic violence is in the news, and the horror of abuse is in our minds. We know each and every day women are being killed by their partners and the problem is not small or simple.

Today however, rather than focus on abusive men, I want to honor all those men who treat their wives and partners with respect and care and love.

I have been happy to see the many, many men who are speaking out against domestic violence; men who know how to respect their partners and who demonstrate this in their relationships.

While the problem of abuse is rampant, it is also true that many men are great guys and want to be a good partners or husbands. KUDOS to these guys!

So, today I want to take a minute to celebrate the great guys out there! Thanks for being good men, good husbands, good fathers, good human beings!

Why I Am Not a Fan of Casual Sex, or Why You Should Stop Sleeping Around

2009-03-05T10:49:00.000-08:00

This post is not about morality, religion, or judgments. It is about reality and practicality and women getting hurt.

This post is to address the many, many emails I get from women who sleep with a guy thinking they are going to have a relationship only to find they get pregnant, an incurable disease or are left brokenhearted. If you do not fall into this catagory then this post is not for you!

OK, with that out of the way let me tell you why I am not a fan of casual sex and why you should stop sleeping with every guy who looks your way or tells you you are wonderful.

First, it is dangerous. You know this. You hear it all the time. Safe sex is taught in schools and this message is nothing new, still, we know millions of girls and women are not getting the message.

These days, unsafe sex with a stranger is not about a 15 minute moment of pleasure it is about all the consequences that go along with it. Too many girls and woman are still getting incurable STDs. Too many girls and women are still getting pregnant without intent. Too many girls are getting stuck with all the ramifications that go along with having sex with a guy (or guys) who are not honest, who do not care about them, and are completely unconcerned about any STD they pass on.

I'm asking for every woman who reads this to take a vow that she will not have sex unless she is 100% sure is safe. (This means knowing, not trusting a stranger but truly knowing his sexual history, and being completely sure it is safe to engage in sex; it means making sure you will not get pregnant).

Right now... promise yourself. Do it out loud or let me know in a comment, just do it. No unsafe sex... EVER!

Secondly, you need to protect your heart. One of the most common scenarios I hear from women is this: She meets a man and falls head over heals in love with him, they have a beautiful night of sex then he never calls again. She is devastate and broken hearted. You know this story right? (Again, if this is not you disregard this post).

See, women need to know that while they may want a relationship and think they are beginning one, these guys who just leave them are wanting sex. Two very different things. Let me repeat this. Wanting a relationship and wanting sex may be two different things. Of course they can be interrelated but they may not. If you are continually getting hurt, it may be that you are connecting the two, when they are separate things.

What happens is this, when some women have sex, all sorts of bonding chemicals flood her brain and she becomes "attached" to the guy. Now, this is a good thing for committed couples but for a woman with a man who is not interested in her, not so good. Why? Because some some guys are not feeling the same thing. They are not having any sort of attachment chemicals fill their brains, do not want a relationship, and do not care one bit if they never see you again.

But, these types of guys can walk away and never look back, while the woman is left devastated.*

(Of course there are women who do not care about the guy they are sleeping with and of course there are men who do care about women they just want for a one night encounter but we are talking about a specific scenario).

Too many women engage in sex thinking they are going to have a great new relationship and the guy will be happy with them for giving them a nice sexual experience, but are left with a broken heart, a serious STD, and an unwanted pregancy.

OK, did you promise yourself you will never have unsafe sex?

Do it!

*I'm not in any way suggesting all men fall into this catagory, I am specifically referring to those men who use women and are not interested in a relationship.

Are you a Gold Digger? Is this a Bad Thing?

2009-01-16T15:52:00.000-08:00

We sometimes hear men claim women are just gold diggers They see a woman with a wealthy man and assume that the guy is a jerk and the woman is just wanting to get a rich man.

Do they have a point? What does it really take to be a gold digger and might you be one?

Well, yes there are those women who use a man for his money. No question about this. (I consider these women similar to men who use women for their sexual pleasure). Some women are not interested in a long term, healthy, intimate relationship. They want the fun and extravagance that comes with the toys; they want the prestige that may come as they attach themselves to a powerful male; they want the ego boost they feel by hooking up with an "important" man.

If this describes you read no further. This blog is not really intended for this sort of woman. This blog is about finding a great man for a healthy committed and loving relationship.

And, yes, if you fall into the above category, you are a gold digger. But let's move on.

Let's look a little closer at the dynamic of women attracted to wealthy men. It may be that some human females have inherited a natural tendency to want to attract a male with power. Thousands of years ago, when women were dependent on men for their survival, there was most certainly a survival advantage for hooking up with a powerful male.

Males with the most resources to share were able to keep their mating partner and any offspring alive better than those with fewer resources, specifically, food, shelter, and protection.

So there may be a instinctive tendency in some women to be drawn to men with more resources, or rather, a rich man.

Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting a wealthy and successful man in your life. Successful men may be smart, clever, or have a strong work ethic; they may have skills and accomplishments that are valuable to life. Again, nothing wrong with a successful man. In fact there is a lot to be said for successful guys. No question about this!

In addition, there are women who want a traditional family and want to stay home to parent their children, hoping to have a father who will support the family. This would require a man who is able to support a wife and children. Again, nothing wrong with this at all. It is a wonderful choice for many women.

This doesn't mean a woman just wants a man for his money, it means that a woman wants a successful, confident, competent man with whom she can share her life.

Emotionally stable and healthy women who want a happy marriage and a loving family are going to be attracted to men who seem capable of having both.

The problem comes when a woman mistakenly equates success with goodness.

In other words, just because a man is wealthy or successful does not mean he is a good man or would make a decent long term partner.

Not at all. In fact, some might argue that the most powerful men are actually less faithful and caring, but lets get back to the point.

This is what women today need to remember: in most of the world today, women are not owned by men, nor do they require a man for survival. It is no longer imperative to even attach to a man at all.

The primitive instinct to attach to a wealthy or powerful male for the sake of either survival or for the pleasure of the toys or prestige may be maladaptive. In other words, wealthy and powerful males today do not necessarily equate to the best husbands and fathers. (Just look around)!

Yet, some women may unconsciously place their desire for a wealthy "alpha" male over their desire for a good and decent man who will actually be a really great life partner. This of course could be problematic to say the least.

So, if you are attracted to wealthy, successful men, remember that they are not necessarily great men.

Indeed, they may be but not necessarily.

Take your time to find out, be clear in what is important to you, and don't let the appearance of power and wealth override your instinct in choosing a good man!

And, as always, listen to your gut!

Thanks to my friend Diana for her question!

Is He a Good Talker or a Good Man?

2009-01-14T11:23:00.001-08:00

I've received a few comments and emails recently from women who have been manipulated by not so great guys! This quote came to my mind...

"A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker; and a man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker."

Too often women listen to a man and fall for his manipulative words. Many of us are trusting and want to believe what we hear.

Some women want to believe the good in another so badly that they don't see what is really going on.

And, some women want to hear how wonderful they are, they need others to validate their worth, and they want the ego boost that comes from hearing words of devotion and adoration.

But, words do not equate with truth.

There are plenty of guys who know how to say the right words but who have little idea what it takes to be a truly great man.

A good man does more than talk the talk... he walks the walk.
It takes time to know what a guy is really about and it takes conscious effort to know when one is being manipulated.

Stay alert. Notice those red flags. Listen to your gut!

Don't fall for a guy just because he knows how to pretend to be a great guy... words are not enough!

You want a truly fabulous man, not just a guy who knows how to talk!

To All Presidents, Senators, Congressmen, and basically All Politicians....

2008-12-15T05:27:00.001-08:00

Is it too much to ask that the men and women running our country have at least a modicum of integrity?

Is it too much to ask that our leaders don't steal, cheat, drive drunk, proposition young interns, engage in child porn, and/or sleep with prostitutes?

Is it too much to ask that the politicians running the country have a basic sense of decency?

Is this really asking too much?

We continually hear government leaders talk about going to church, believing in God, reading scripture, and praying for our country, yet for many, when it comes to their own sense of morality there seems to be a void... a big one.*

What is up with this?

Many normal every day people can get through the day without lying, having affairs, receiving sexual treats from young interns, getting DUIs, or betraying their spouses.

Why can't we expect similarly decent behavior from our leaders?

I mean seriously.

Shouldn't we expect the leaders of our country to be decent, law abiding people?

I'm not asking for Saints or mistake free humans; just men (and women) with a basic sense of integrity.

Now, of course we are all human, we make mistakes, (I'm reminded of the quote, "absolute power corrupts men absolutely," Maybe it is true).

I'm not sure why so many of our Country's politicians are corrupt and I really do not care. What I do care about is decency, honesty, and integrity.

Of course not every single politician is a disgusting, law breaking, conniving, manipulating cheat. I'm sure there are some great people in leadership positions. But it seems harder and harder to identify them.

So, here is the tip of the day... again.

Politicians who continually cheat, lie, have affairs, break laws, drive while drunk, embezzle, sell influence and power are NOT great men. They may on occasion help with one thing or another but they are not great men.

OK, now, big kudos to those men (and women, but this post is about not so good men), in government positions who are honest and law abiding citizens. A shout out to those men who are above bribes, lies, visiting prostitutes, and betraying their wives.

Note: Obviously there are women leaders and politicians, this goes without saying. However, this post is directed toward the not so great men, hence I'm speaking to them.

*I'm not pointing out the need for church attendance or belief in a particular God only that there is a disconnect between men who claim to believe in decency and morality yet live a life seeming void of any sense of integrity or honesty.

How to Tell if a Guy is a Sex Offender

2008-12-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

Previously, I have posted thoughts on why dating a sex offender is not a good idea. It seems like this bit of advice is a matter of common sense but some women don't care if a guy has molested children or raped women.

Let me be clear... a guy is not a good prospect for a healthy relationship if he is a pedophile or if he (sexually or otherwise), abuses women.

There is no getting around this.

This is not a little piece of advice to discard.

Molesting children and raping women is not in the same category as a guy who forgets an anniversary or doesn't do his share of the dishes.

Forgiving him is not going to heal him.

Pretending he is a great man is not going to turn him into one.

Ignoring sexual perversion and anger is not going to eliminate the cruelty and disgusting behavior.

If you are one of those women who dismisses this extremely serious problem in a man you might ask yourself why? Are you so desperate for a man in your life that you will take the really disturbed guys who should not be a part of normal human society?

You may say you see the good in him. I don't buy it. While of course everyone has some good in them, the cruel disgusting behavior toward women and children can't be ignored and completely eliminates the possibility for even a remote chance of a healthy happy relationship.

How do you know if a guy is a sex offender?

Of course most sex offenders are not going to come out and tell you of their perversions and sickness but there are signs and red flags. And, in the course of an early relationship you have the opportunity to get to know the man. Take it. Don't assume a guy is wonderful until you find out otherwise. Find out about the guy before you get into a relationship.

First, check out the National Sex Offender
Registry! You can search by name or location! While this is only a beginning and not all sex offenders are registered it is a good start.

Secondly, you can be on the alert for clues.

Briefly, child predators typically are afraid of adult intimacy and may have some sexual dysfunction with women, enjoy time with children (prepubescent boys and girls) more than adults, may date women with children of his desired aged victims, have low self esteem, have a desire for power, have been abused as a child, don't take responsibility for their actions, and desire control over others. Some pedophiles have done jail time but most have not. They typically appear normal (above average education and frequently religious) but may spend a lot of alone time with children and are often unusually popular with children.

Rapists and sexual abusers are typically those men who want to inflict pain, dominate, control, humiliate, and degrade their victims. Rape is not about a "need" for sex but a need for domination. There are actually several different categories of sexual abusers but generally they exhibit a need for power and control. For many men sexual abuse is just one form of a more generalized attitude and behavior of violence toward women.

Has he been to jail? Does his life story check out? Who are his friends? Does he seem secretive? Are there pieces missing? Have you met his family? Does he have anger issues? Does he put women down? Ask the important questions and know the important answers.

Third, listen to your gut. I repeat this advice often because it is extremely important. More than your logical mind, your subconscious is aware of the subtle clues that something is not right. LISTEN! If you get that weird feeling in your stomach, that uneasy sense in your gut, your instincts are telling you that something is wrong. Walk away... or run.

Now, of course there is the possibility for some men to change but a few years in jail is not going to heal anyone. Not by a long shot. Unless someone has done the extraordinary work to heal and change some serious issues, had plenty of time to demonstrate he can live a normal life as a productive healthy human being, it is best to just stay away.

Listen to your gut!

For the Young Women of the World...What is Your Value?

2008-11-19T16:48:00.000-08:00

OK... here is today's quiz:

What do the following women have in common?

Hillary Clinton (US Senator), Oprah Winfrey (President Harpo), Meg Whitman (President and CEO Ebay), Condeleezza Rice (US Secretary of State), Angela Merkel (German Chancellor), Ho Ching (CEO Temasek), Cynthia Carroll (CEO Angelo American), Anne Mulcahy (CEO Xerox), Anne Sweeny (President Disney-ABC), Sheila Bair (Chair US Federal Deposit Insurance Corp.), Leslie Stahl (American broadcast journalist), Julie Gerberding (Director Center for Disease Control), Aung San Suu Kyi (Nobel Peace Laureat, deposed Prime Minister Mayanmar), Michelle Bachelet (President Chille), Andrea Jung (CEO Avon), Susan Decker (President yahoo!), Melinda Gates (philanthropist), Brenda Barnes (CEO Sara Lee), Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the House, US House of Representatives), Nancy Tellem (President CBS Paramount), Helen Clark (New Zealand Prime Minister), Ursula Burns (President Xerox), Ellen Johnson Sirleaf (President Liberia), Tarja Halonen (President Finland), Yang Mian Mian (President Haier), Mary McAleese (President Ireland) Ruth Ginsberg (US Supreme Court Justice), Janice Fields (COO McDonalds), Katie Couric (CBS New Anchor), Drew Gilpin Faust (President Harvard), Margaret Chan (Director World Health Organization), Janet Robinson (President and CEO NY Times), Pamela Nicholson (President Enterprise Rent a Car), Anne Moore (President and CEO Time), Clara Furse (Chief Exective London Stock Exchange), Christine Amanpour (Chief International Correspondent CNN), Christine Gold (CEO Western Union), Sharon Allen (Chair Deloitte), Mary Sammons (President and CEO Rite Aid), Yulia Tymoshenko (Prime Minister Ukraine), Indra Nooyi (President and CEO Pepsico), Irene Rosenfeld (Chairman and CEO Kraft Foods), Carol Tome (CFO Home Depot).....

I could go on and on and on, but you get the picture.

What do these women have in common?

Yes, they are all powerful and accomplished women; Presidents of Countries, Presidents of Companies, Nobel Prize winners, accomplished politicians, scientists, journalists, scholars, philanthropists, doctors, leaders, innovators.

But beyond this, they have one more thing in common.

Their identity is not defined by their sexual importance to men.

Let me put this another way. These women do not base their self worth on how valuable their bodies are to men; they do not have the sense that to be validated they must please men.

These are strong women who know who they are. They do not attempt to bolster their self esteem by exploiting themselves or prostituting their bodies. They do not have an excessive need to please men or gain their attention or approval. These women do not believe their value is based on how their body is viewed by guys. They do not get their sense of power by being submissive and subservient. They do not hold to archaic ideas of their place in society as a servant or slave to men.

Nope! These women value themselves as human beings. Their power is in their essence, their spirit, their human-ness; their talents, ideas, and abilities. They have moved beyond those archaic ideas that women are somehow on the planet to please men, that their value is exclusive to their body parts, and that they are limited by ancient roles.

Being valued for who you are does not mean women must forgo their femininity, sexuality, or womanhood. It means they are more than their body, more than a form, more than an object.

In fact, it could be argued that as women embrace the totality of their essence, and live in fullness and balance their sexuality and essence becomes more complete, whole, and vibrant.

For the past six thousand years or so, women depended on men for survival. Women were valued for two traits: their ability to provide children (mostly males), and their ability to please a man sexually and domestically.

But in many parts of the world, we have evolved beyond this. many women today can be educated, participate in society, work outside the home, have a career, and add their contribution to the world in whatever way they choose.

So, why is it that some women still hold onto the archaic idea that their worth is based on their value to guys? Why is it that still today, we see women deny their person-hood to hold onto an unhealthy relationship? Why do we still today see women destroy their spirit, repress their sense of self and give up their identity, their essence, their dignity so they can be attached to a man, any man; even a man who is cruel, authoritarian, and abusive?

Of course the reasons are complex and multifaceted. We are inundated with the message in the media that women are valued for their sexual worth; we have some powerful biology for survival, (as maladaptive as it is in this century), that promotes a propensity toward needing a man; and we have all sorts of cultural, religious, and societal norms that keep women perpetuating stereotypical roles.

But, guess what? We can change all that; we can and many women have.

Just take a look at that list above. These are all amazing women who are leading the way, showing us how it is done, and providing a fabulous example of what real equality, real strength, and real dignity is.

Now, of course, one doesn't have to be a world leader, president of a company, or renown scientist to be strong, have respect, and feel valuable. Not at all. And one doesn't have to relinquish her role as wife or mother to have worth and dignity. Of course not.*

Let me be clear, maintaining a home, raising children, and contributing to a stable community is essential to life.

At some point in the last few hundred women realized that they had gifts to share in addition to their traditional roles. Women had ideas, wanted education, craved the ability to participate in the arts. Women wanted to express their thoughts, opinions, perspectives. Women came to know that they had more worth than their subservience and sexual/procreative value.

And guess what? Women of today need not perpetuate the myth that they are nothing but their bodies.

It is time to move on.

There is no relationship, no man worth sacrificing your dignity and self worth.

Our world craves all the gifts of women. It is yearning for the balance, harmony, and peace that comes when the totality of humankind is valued, honored, and respected.

Our planet is calling out for strong women who respect themselves, who honor their spirit, who won't degrade and denigrate themselves for a relationship, but who will share their unique gifts with the world.

Real power, real strength, real beauty comes when the spirit soars.

And for those looking for a great man, the amazing part of all this is, the stronger you are, the higher your self esteem, the move intrinsic value you feel, the better chance you have of finding a truly fabulous man.

Why?

Because truly great men want a great women. They want a woman who is confident, who honors herself, who has self-respect and dignity.

A big thank you to all those women who show us the way!

*I can think of no job more valuable, essential, and demanding than parenting. Good parenting is essential to the survival of live itself.

Find Out About Happiness.... Joseph Campbell Quote

2008-11-05T11:59:00.000-08:00

Find Out About Happiness..... by Jennifer

Why Every Woman Should Vote!

2008-11-01T07:20:00.001-07:00

Admittedly, I am rather cynical and largely unimpressed when it comes to politicians and the nonsense that typically accompanies the whole process of electing leaders.

However, I am passionate about the need for women to vote.

Why?

Because for the first time in the history of the world, women have a voice.

As we look at the history of our human experience in this world, it is only in the last hundred years that women have had a voice; a say in what happens in their lives, communities, and country.

The experience of women having a voice and being able to vote is a completely new human development!

It is easy to forget that women did not always have a voice let alone equality.*

Women were not always thought of as equal human beings. In fact they were often considered not fully human; sort of a not-fully formed man.

Since the beginning of recorded human history women were treated as less than equal. Women could not always attend college, be educated, or work in most jobs. Women could not always participate in the arts or athletics, let alone government, business, law, or religion.

It took thousands of years for the consciousness of humankind to evolve to a place where women were understood as full human beings capable of thoughts, opinions, and ideas that mattered; to a place where it mattered to have women's creativity, intelligence, and talents honored and respected.

More recently, in the United States of America, it took a century of women fighting, struggling, and working to change the Constitution to accept women as worthy of a voice.

As a reminder, it was less than one hundred years ago, in 1920, the nineteenth amendment to the United States Constitution passed a law allowing women to vote.

This is incredible!

And yet, 20,000,000 unmarried women in the US did not vote in the last general election.

Come on ladies....

In honor of our forebearers who devoted their time, energy, and lives to give us an equal voice, lets get out and vote!

November forth... VOTE!

To read more about the struggle for women's rights read...What Happened to Feminism?

* I do realize that in much of the world, and even in many communities and belief systems, women still do not have a voice and are a long way from living in a world of equality.

Is He a Bear or a Wolf? You Better Know!

2008-10-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about mating strategies for a minute.

Why?

Because if you don't know what a guy's mating strategy is, you just may not pick a good man.

Going back several million years ago, we see animals developing very distinct strategies to get their genes into the next generation. Both strategies seemed to work well for various animals.

We have those animals like the bear where the male is not interested in parenting, offspring, or even any sort of relationship with a female other than using her body for a quick moment of sexual gratification. The male bear tries to inseminate as many females as possible with the hope that some will grow to maturity with the care of the mother.

Then we have animals like the grey wolf who went with a different strategy. These fabulous creatures typically mate for life. Their strategy was to impregnate one female and stay around to help with the cubs to ensure they survive long enough to move into adulthood. (This ability for males to help with children is called parental investment and is an incredible and highly evolved development... fairly new in Homo Sapiens comparatively speaking).

But what about human males?

If you think of the above two mating strategies on two ends of a spectrum, human males are found all along the spectrum. They have the DNA of ancestors that utilized both strategies. However, over time one strategy may have become more pronounced than others.

Some guys have no interest in an actual emotional relationship with a woman and are all about getting into bed with as many females as possible. (This is a very primitive strategy).

At the other end we see some men who are passionate about one woman, who love having a family, and enjoy being with their children. (This is a more highly developed and much newer strategy).

Then there are all sorts of guys in between.

What we know through some extensive research is that about fifty percent of those men who commit to a relationship will be involved in promiscuous behavior, in other words, will have other sexual relationships on the side.*
What this means is that if you are looking for a long term relationship it is best to take a good hard look at the guy and be very aware of his sexual strategy. Chances are, whatever he has demonstrated will not change. As they say, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". Very true.

If a guy seems unable to commit to a relationship, is screwing every woman he can get, is constantly on the look-out for a new woman to use for his pleasure, guess what... he most likely is not going to be a great man for a long term relationship.

His sexual strategy just isn't conducive for a great long term relationship.

On the other hand, if a guy has demonstrated that he loves the idea of a family, wants an intimate and emotional connection with a woman, and clearly enjoys connecting in ways that go beyond the superficial or convenient, he may have in his DNA a strategy that is more compatible with a woman that wants a long term relationship.

Just do not assume that he is going to all of a sudden change just because he found you. Nope. Chances are slim to none. It is nice to think about and nice to hope for, but it is highly unlikely.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting people can't change. Of course they can and do. No question about this. And, of course if we find the person we think is right for us we are more apt to work toward the relationship.

But what isn't true is that a guy is suddenly going to completely change his instincts and behavior because of you. If he changes it will be because he sees the benefit of changing and works toward changing. Put another way, he sees the benefit of altering his behavior and makes the effort and commitment to do so.

While our DNA is powerful and potent, it also seems true that in some cases humans can through conscious effort alter their behavior and decide how and in what ways they want to express their genetic make up.

So, let's think back to a bear... they are just not interested in anything other than sex with a female. That is it. Nothing more. They spread their genes into as many females as possible.

We all know men like this.

Trust me... you don't want this bear sort of guy for a long term relationship.

On the other hand, there are men who more resemble the wolf; men who want a healthy and happy long term relationship and are determined to be faithful in order to have a fulfilling and loving marriage.

So... what is he?

Bear or wolf?

To read more about female sexual strategies read, Are you Fast or Coy?

*While the sexual strategies are different this stat is actually true for women as well, given equal opportunity.

The Ten Most Important Beauty Secrets Ever!

2008-10-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

We women are bombarded with thousands of products claiming to help us appear beautiful, young, and attractive to others. We are told that one magic potion or some special formula will make us look fabulously gorgeous, unbelievable glamorous, and forever young.

But I believe that the most wonderful, powerful, and authentic beauty secrets are free and available to every woman in the world.

Let me share the ten most important beauty secrets ever!

1. A genuine smile. There is nothing in the world more attractive. A smile is worth a hundred times more than the most expensive sparkly lipstick. Many years ago I came upon some research attempting to discover what made a woman attractive. The researchers showed hundred of men pictures of all sorts of women and asked them who they would ask out for a date hoping for a long term relationship. It was overwhelmingly clear that the women who were smiling were the ones men found attractive.*Regardless of shape, hair color, height, or any number of measurements, it was a smile that was compelling.

2. Bright eyes. While we may be misled to think that beautiful eyes are created with the thickest, luscious mascara, a new make-up technique, or the right color eye-shadow, bright eyes filled with wonder, interest, peace, curiosity, and concern capture us. The eyes are the window to the soul, they entreat us, compel us, and connect us to one another.

3. Health. Now, I am not talking about those who have a model form and are in perfect shape.... I mean those with a healthy outlook on life, those who care and respect their form, those who have a balanced and centered life. As humans in spite of the greatest care we may not always be in optimum physical, spiritual, and/or emotional health (I believe we need the difficult challenges to grow and develop). But if our underlying sense of self is healthy, if our worldview is one of peace and strength, we can go through the difficult times where our health is challenged with dignity. I've seen the beauty of those who face death with gentleness. I've seen the heartbroken remain beautiful as they hold onto hope and faith amidst enormous difficulty. I've seen those struggling with serious health concerns retain the self-respect and honor that reflects the beauty within.

4. Graciousness. I can't think of a more beautiful trait than graciousness. That loveliest of qualities that helps us feel accepted, cared for, and loved. Graciousness is a dignity filled with respect, concern, and acceptance. It is embracing the highest human qualities while releasing the base and tawdry. Graciousness is ultimately ennobling and fills us with reverence for life and each other. When we are in the presence of a gracious person, we feel the wonder of their beauty and feel beautiful ourselves.

5. A tender gaze. There are few things in life that fill us with peace and love and joy as a tender gaze. Looking at others with love and care is more attractive than all the beauty products humans could ever create. Whether a mother gazes upon her newborn, or lovers gaze upon their beloved, a tender gaze must be one of the most alluring abilities of all.

6. Hands that reach for others. There is a deep alluring grace in those whose lives are dedicated to service, care, and support of those in need. It is as if the souls that live to care and love the world are filled with the very essence of what is beautiful. I do not know of anything more wondrous, majestic, and glorious than seeing the compassion of one human for another.

7. An Authentic Soul. Being in the presence of another who is expressing their true self is like seeing a flower in full bloom. On the other hand, when we see those who are trying to be something other than what they are, we miss their unique beauty.

8. A radiant aura. When all is said and done, true beauty is clearly not a provocative form, a mask or pretense, or glamorous sexy clothing we put on our form. True beauty is a positive, healing, nurturing energy that IS us.

9. Confidence and humility. These come together because they require balance. Over confidence can become elitism, even egotism while humility can move toward insecurity and low self-esteem. What is absolutely gorgeous is a being who is confident and has a strong sense of self blended with an awareness and honoring of the grandeur of their place in the universe.

10. A Loving spirit. There is nothing more attractive than being in the presence of a spirit who loves others and who loves life. Love is a powerful force and humankind is in desperate need of those who can share their love with the world.

True beauty is the pure energy that radiates from our hearts.

Whether you are a young woman who may have bought into the myth of what the world is trying to tell you is beautiful, or if you are a woman moving into a phase of life where the world is telling you, you are no longer beautiful, my hope is to remind us all that we do not have to buy into the superficiality of masks and outward appearance to be valuable and beautiful.

While it is important to care for ourselves, to have respect for our forms, and to honor our bodies; and it is lovely to appropriately attend to our outward appearance, may we not forget that our true beauty is inside, radiating peace, joy, care, and love to the world.

You are a beautiful being... don't forget it!

*This post is not attempting to give advice on how women can attract a man. I use this research to support the idea that there is more to true beauty than what the world seems to think.

I snitched this article from my blog, Goodness Graciousness

Painting by one of my favorite impressionist painters of all time, Mary Cassatt.

How to Tell if a Guy is Not in Love with You... Ten tips!

2008-10-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

Are you Being Used? Ten tips to know!

2008-09-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

You Know a Guy is Not Good For You If.....

2008-09-19T05:22:00.001-07:00

Many women in unhealthy relationships hang on to them regardless of what is happening or how they are being treated.

Why?

This is a complicated question with a complex answer. It has to do with our specific needs, our cultural indoctrination, our individual upbringing, our unique circumstances, and a host of personal choices and experiences.

Regardless of the reasons many women remain with a not-so-great guy, there is one common trait that many women experience: They deny the problems.

Women in unhealthy, even abusive relationships unconsciously find themselves denying there are any problems. They make excuses, rationalize away behavior, and justify all sorts of things as they move deeper into the harmful partnership.

So, this post is intended to give ten clear signs that one is not in a healthy relationship and that the man you are with is not right for you.

If you are wondering if your relationship is a good one or if you should stay, or if maybe you are in the position of not consciously recognizing the problems, don't just quickly read through the list. It may be helpful to take some time and ponder and contemplate the idea before going to the next item. Reflect on your situation, your experiences, and your behavior before you totally dismiss the idea .

Here you go!

You know a guy is not good for you if...

1. You are constantly making excuses for his bad behavior.

2. There are times you feel fear and/or anxiety when you are around him. You are worried how he will react to you or to something you have done.

3. You find yourself giving in to demands that are against your personal sense of decency or morality.

4. His words of love do not match his actions.

5. You keep justifying and denying those nagging feelings that something is not right.

6. He tells you what you want and need.

7. He tries to inhibit or damage your relationships with your friends and family.

8. You find yourself wanting to inappropriate please him to gain his approval or love.

9. You feel you have to live a secret life (that doesn't involve anything inappropriate) so he won't get angry.

10. He has emotionally or physically abused you.

To be clear, I am a firm believer that people can and do change with significant help and appropriate intervention; and with lots of work.

However, when a relationship is harming your spirit, damaging your self-esteem, wasting your time and energy it is time to move on.

I've said this before but you do not need a relationship that is destroying your spirit or harming your life.

There is no man on the planet worth this.

And, you don't have to have a man to have self-worth.

In fact, being with a not-so-great man is not helping your self esteem it is DESTROYING it.

Better to be without a man than be with a hurtful man who is not right for you.

Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don't... you are going to love this book!

2008-09-12T06:04:00.001-07:00

Do you want something really new to do this weekend? Something that will get you laughing and help you manage life? Something that will help you know yourself better and get you thinking in all sorts of new directions, as you smile and chuckle along the way?

If so, turn off your television, move away from the computer, stop texting, and turn your cell phone on vib.

Then go to your local bookstore and get, Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don't, by Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler.

This is going to be your new handbook for friendships; a must have book to navigate this new world of tech into which we have entered.

While Friends or Frenemy? is written with a witty sense of humor and is chock full of fun it is a book that addresses many of the serious issues we face as we enter this new century.

Navigating friendships, relationships, and family in a world of instant communication and unlimited acquaintances is new to the human experience. Friend or Frenemy takes a delightful yet honest look at how we have to readjust our thinking and behavior to manage this literal onslaught of virtual interactions.

Andrea and Jessica have done a superb job addressing real problems and challenges we face as we begin this new century, in a delightful, entertaining, and charming way.

Friend or Freneny? provides much needed advice, shares numerous personal stories and anecdotes, is filled with numerous charts, diagrams, and quizzes, and is brimming with so much practical information you won't know how you survived without it.

You will learn things like...How to detox from your digital habit, cliff notes for social interaction, how to make friends at work; seven ways to become a better family member, how to know if a friendship is worth saving, what to do about guy friends; how to be a girlfriend and a girl friend, and the Ten Friend Commandments! (I love these)... Oh, and one of my favorite sections, The Users, Losers, and Abusers, who need to De-My Space Right now. And this is just a beginning!

Friend or Frenemy? is so full of information you will find yourself returning to it over and over, not only for the important information and welcomed guidance but for the pure enjoyment of reading a delightful book about friends, family, and life.

Check it out...
Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the ones You Don't

You Don't want to be with a Guy who Doesn't want to be with You

2008-09-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

Why is it that some women refuse to acknowledge that a man doesn't want to be with them?

I'm pretty sure everyone reading this blog has encountered at least one woman who has done everything she can to not have to admit that a man is not interested in her.

Why is this phenomenon so prevalent?

Why is it that some women struggle admitting the fact that a man may not be into her?

Of course we know why. To acknowledge that a man isn't interested in us gives us the feeling that we are somehow inferior, or unattractive, or not valuable.

Still, women come up with all sorts of excuses for the man rather than just admit the relationship is not to be.

"He really loves me but...."

"He is tired."

"He just has to work a lot lately."

"He is having problems with his friends."

"He has a lot of other commitments."

"He just lost my phone numbers."

The list goes on and on and on.

The reality is, some guys are just not into some women.

It is OK. It doesn't mean you are not a fabulous, fantastic, wonderful woman. It just means that the guy is not right for you.

Now, here is the important point... read carefully:

You don't want a man who doesn't want to be with you.

Again...

You don't want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you.*

And, you don't want to humiliate yourself by begging, pleading, or demanding that some guy love you.

If a man doesn't want to be with you, the best way to handle it is to just admit that he is not right for you, acknowledge that you do not want a man who does not want you, and move on.

No calling him. No trying to manipulate him. No degrading yourself with all sorts of offers to accommodate him.

And especially no being sleazy or tawdry behavior to try to get him to have sex with you.

You move on gracefully and with your self respect.

Now, the reality is there may be a lot of heartache. Ending a relationship is often filled with pain and sorrow.

So, yes it is appropriate to grieve, to feel badly, and to cry. Of course.

But the more you deny the inevitable, the more you hold onto the hope that he really is in love with you, the more you plead and beg, the less able you are to move on to a healthy life.

If you are with a man who does not want to be with you, hold your head up high. Take it like a strong and valuable woman who knows her worth. Don't demean yourself by becoming annoying and irritating as you try to make him see how fabulous you are.

You don't need a man to make you happy.

More importantly, you don't need a man who doesn't want to be with you.

*Reread as many times as it takes to remember this point!

Inspire Women, Share Your Stories

2008-08-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

Since beginning this blog nearly two years ago, I have received hundreds of touching and inspiring emails and comments from amazing men and women who have shared their experiences with me and my readers.

I know that the comments and personal stories often provide inspiration and hope for other women hoping to find a great man.

So, this thread is created specifically for readers to share their stories to help uplift and inspire other women.

I invite everyone who has learned from experience to share their thoughts, insights, and wisdom.

Please post your story or life lesson in the comments of this thread for all to read!

This thread is not intended as a forum for bashing men but to share lessons you have learned to help other women on their journey!

Thank you for your contributions!

Jennifer

I will post this thread in the sidebar so it will stay available for my readers!

What is Important in a Dress?

2008-08-23T10:35:00.001-07:00

As women we like to be attractive. In the United States and many other countries throughout the world, we spend billions of dollars on make-up, beautiful clothing, and every possible way to improve our appearance.

We exercise, diet, and purchase all sorts of products that may help us look and feel better.

But we must never forget what the brilliant, fabulous French designer, Yves Saint Laurent most eloquently reminded us:

"What is important in a dress is the woman wearing it."

ABSOLUTELY!

Yves passed away this past June.

The Fabulous Secret Men Don't Know About Themselves

2008-08-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

It is weird.

The media portrays the idea that a guy must be strong and powerful and wealthy and good looking and successful to be considered a good guy.

Of course we all know this is nonsense and as we can see virtually each day in the news, powerful and wealthy men are not always even decent let alone worthy of a great woman.

But here is what is so funny...

Guys do not realize how totally attractive and sexy it is to be gentle and tender.

In my informal "research" I have asked virtually every woman I know and so far 100% of women think it is totally sexy to see a guy being kind and caring.

For example.. I have asked what women think of a father playing with children.

Totally sexy.

How about a guy caring for his sick grandmother?

AMAZING!

How about a man holding a baby?

Wildly hot!

Yeah, guys don't seem to know this little fact.

Of course it all makes sense.

We have evolved to be attracted to those who will help us get our genes into the next generation and to keep our offspring alive. While our most primitive sense of attraction is strictly sexual in nature, and is there to simply get a woman impregnated by a healthy male, our more evolved brain is looking for a great guy who will be a partner and actually help us with parenting. "Male Parental Investment" is a fairly new phenomenon in terms of human evolution and is clearly more advanced and more beneficial for children, and our subconscious mind is very aware of signs that tell us a man will be a good father and care for his offspring. Signs like care and devotion.

But here is the problem. Sometimes women allow their more primitive instincts to rule their more evolved brain. Women who are attracted to the Alpha Male types are focused on the very old sexual urge that is primarily about getting DNA. Nothing more.

On the other hand, women who want a long term relationship and seek a mate who will be there to parent their children are attracted to those men who show signs a man will care for others.

But of course there are times when it all gets mixed up.

So, women, if you are wanting a long term relationship or wanting a family is may be wise to notice the kinds of men to whom you are attracted.

Become aware of what you want, what you look for in a man, and what sorts of men truly demonstrate the types of traits that are important to you. Don't let your primitive reptilian brain take over. use your highly evolved brain to help you chose a partner.

Now before I hear any complaints about, yes of course there are great men who are wealthy and successful. Definitely. Absolutely. I know many.

The point is, just because a man is wealthy or attractive or powerful doesn't mean he is going to be a great man for you or a good partner for a long term relationship.

And for all the male readers... just thought you would want to know how women view your gentle and tender side!

The Importance of Educating Girls - the Fabulous Helen Fisher Speaks!

2008-08-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

Helen Fisher is one of my favorite anthropologists and authors!

She knows what she is talking about so listen up!

Can't Get Over a Jerk? Here is Help

2008-07-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

Women all over the world are tired of hooking up with not-so-great guys.

Some are in relationships they know are unhealthy yet they feel trapped.

Then there are women who find themselves continually picking really harmful and abusive men.

And, some women know they are being used but just can't seem to get over a not-so-great guy.

What do you do?

This blog was created to help you find a great guy and move on from those not so great relationships, so hopefully you have found some ideas and inspiration while visiting. But in addition to this I have created a few visual reminders to help women stop picking jerks and start on the road to healthy relationships.

Let me explain how this works.

There is some fascinating research showing how the words we read impact the choices we make and alter how we experience life.

What the research is showing is that just reading some words actually changes the way we view the world, and subconsciously impacts our decisions, interactions, and outlook.

So, with that in mind, a simple way to remind yourself to move in a more positive and healthy direction, to let go of an unhealthy relationship, and to find the strength in yourself is to read positive healing words that will support your subconscious in making healthy choices.

I created these two 8x10 healing words visual reminders to give you a tool to help you move on!

You can purchase a healing word picture for $15.00 (includes shipping), and I will send it off to you pronto!

Put the healing words print on your refrigerator, frame it, or hang it over your bed to remind you to find a healthy relationship. Just read the words each day and your subconscious will help you release your tendency to pick not so great guys.

For those of you who know a woman (friend, daughter, sister) who needs help in this area, you may consider giving a healing word print to help her move on and stop hooking up with the wrong kind of guy.

If you are one of those women who need help letting go of a bad relationship, getting the strength to get out of an abusive situation, or motivation to be a great women deserving a great guy, go ahead and get your healing word print!

If you wish to purchase a healing word print, simply click on the PayPal button and specify which healing word print you want in the PayPal customer notes when you checkout!

Ready to frame, 8x10 healing word prints are filled with words, symbols, and phrases to help you let go of unhealthy relationships and move on with strength and optimism. Prints are reproductions of an ink and watercolor painting, professionally printed on card stock quality paper.

Each print is only $15.00, and shipping is included the U.S. and Canada.

Cool RESEARCH on the effect and influence of words

In the fabulous book, Kluge by Gary Marcus, he shares some examples of the amazing power words have to alter our behavior and choices.

For a few examples Gary sites research that demonstrates people who were asked if they would buy a car were almost twice as likely to do so as those who were not asked the question. (Page 83).

Marcus shows how reading a list of eight words completely altered how people described a person. (Page 43).

He shows how a drink associated with a split second view of a happy face actually made people enjoy the drink more. (Page 88).

Our words may just be more powerful than we think!

As a hypnotherapist, I try to utilize numerous techniques to elicit the help of the subconscious. As we learn about the brain and how we make the choices that we do, I think it is important to incorporate the knowledge we have to help us make healthy decisions.

To view larger image click on painting!

What Not To Wear if You Don't Want to Look Desperate...

2008-07-19T05:26:00.001-07:00

Recently I have noticed women wearing some rather odd clothing. I've seen some women dress so inappropriately that they look more than desperate, more than sleazy, actually silly is the word that comes to mind.

Let me give you a few examples.

While visiting Disney World, I noticed a few women wearing stilettos... bright and beautiful shoes if they were going out for the evening but traipsing around the Magic Kingdom in 105 degree weather with three inch spiked heels seemed really bizarre. Beyond desperate!

Or the seriously tacky trend to have all your underwear showing. Now we all love beautiful lingerie but showing it off in a business meeting is just plain unprofessional. Desperate for sure.

In a store yesterday I saw a couple of women wearing clothing so tight that every little role and ripple was clear and distinguishable. It didn't look sexy or hot, which was the look they seemed to be going for, it looked unattractive and trashy. Yep... looking desperate!

It is great to feel attractive, look nice, and pay attention to appearance, but desperate women think appearance is more important than being a great woman. As I have said before, great men want more than an attractive object, they are interested in fabulous women who bring vitality, strength, and life to a true relationship.

The bottom line is... if you are desperate you are not going to find a great man. It just won't happen. Why? Because desperate women are low on the mating scale. If you look desperate, you are going to attract guys who are not interested in finding a great woman but will settle for whomever is available. Desperate women are easy to get. Of course it may not be a conscious decision on the part of guys but you can be assured that instinctively men know what women they can pick up for an easy one night stand, and those women who are more particular and careful.

There is a big difference between looking fabulous and looking ridiculous. You can look sexy and hot without looking cheap and desperate!

How to Get Out of a Bad Relationship, and Survive with Your Heart Intact

2008-07-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

I've posted a few articles on this topic, (you can read them here and here), but this article is intended to give some specific techniques to help get you through the confusion, heartache, and struggle when a relationship comes to an end, so you can move on and get your life back again.

You know your relationship is unhealthy. You know your partner is not for you. You know you need to get out.

But is hurts. You feel conflicted, confused, dependent. You are not sure of yourself or your decisions.

Or you have ended the relationship but feel stuck, knowing you did the right thing but not really getting over it.

What do you do?

Here are five (and one extra special) specific techniques to help you end, truly end the relationship, get over the guy, and move on to a healthy and happy life.

1. Create a vision and hold it in your heart. The more you are clear what you want, the more your subconscious will take you there. Take some time each day to explore and clarify what a healthy relationship looks like to you. Allow yourself to imagine, day dream, and play with the idea of being in a good relationship where you are loved and cherished. How does it feel to be cared for? Can you imagine what it is like to have a man be supportive of your dreams; a guy who lives honorably and decently? Hold this image in your mind! Write down your thoughts, draw a picture, or create a poem... just make the image real and concrete to you.

What happens is, when your subconscious is convinced there is something more, it will move you there and release that which is unhealthy.

Here is a little technique that is often helpful. As you ponder your vision, play some music that is really inspiring to you. It must be uplifting and energizing... nothing melancholy here. But if you play this music as you envision your life and relationships, each time you hear the music it will naturally create the positive emotions that you have linked to the music.

2. Create a plan. When you are feeling well, get a supportive friend or loved one to help you write down your plan for your healing. List those things you need in a relationship for it to be healthy. Create a statement that defines what a good relationship is to you. Get REALLY clear on how you can tell if a guy is a good man and worthy of your time and energy.

Set some CLEAR boundaries. For example, you will not return a call from the guy; or you will no longer allow yourself to let him take even one minute of your energy; or you are done thinking about him, talking about him, or letting him in your life.

3. Nourish yourself. OK, this is really important. The stronger, more secure, more centered you are, the more you will be headed for a healthy relationship and a good man, and the less you will be willing to settle for something unhealthy or even hurtful. I can't emphasize this enough.

What nourishes you? Think about this for a while. Often we go through life without taking the time to really know so really ponder this. What gives you feelings of peace, enjoyment, serenity? Of course pure joy doesn't come from outside ourselves but that which we take into our lives is what creates the environment for us to either flourish or wilt. List ten nourishing actions you can take.

After listing ten activities or experiences that nourish you, decide to take these into your life. Make them a priority. Invest in yourself.

Often after difficult relationships end, a woman is left depleted, hurt, like a dried up flower left on a porch. For the flower to revive it needs sunlight, water... care. So now is the time to care for yourself.

4. Get rid of those memories. This may be difficult for some until they learn how easy it is. We tend to hold onto the good times almost becoming dependent on our past. You may relive and replay over and over memories. Your mind may be so habitualized to the relationship that you are in a deep rut and your mind can't seem to get out of it. So you need to do some very practical techniques to create new pathways in your brain to heal.

As a hypnotherapist we often use what is called a "thought stopping" technique. It is simple and yet very powerful. Here is how it works: the minute a memory or unwanted thought comes into your mind, you consciously tell yourself you do not want those thoughts and bring an image into your mind to cancel them out. You could imagine a big circle with a red X though it, or maybe an eraser erasing the thought on a black board, or a tide coming in and wiping out words on a beach.. whatever works for you, find an image to erase the thought and memory.

Then, you "change your state". This is another technique that works REALLY well but can be sort of silly. Whenever you find yourself in those moments of pain and anguish, you do something crazy or wild to change your state of mind. What happens is, by doing a really odd or silly behavior you actually break the emotional rut that is in your brain.

Typically, when we feel down or blue we get stuck and almost hold onto the negativity, but if in that state you got up and did twenty jumping jacks, you would notice it is difficult to remain sad. Or, if you are wallowing in sorrow, you did a somersault or cartwheel, made a clown face or poured water on your head, you would feel so silly, most likely you would laugh and immediately break the cycle.

In time, (often very quickly) the pathway is broken, and you will find your mind no longer holding onto the habit of returning to the painful memories.

5. Create a mantra. This is another fun technique to help move on. You come up with a little lyric or funny mantra to say to yourself every time you notice you are headed towards going back or reliving a memory. Play with it, get your friends to help you think of something funny. You memorize it, put it on sticky notes all over your house, write in on your mirror, and say it every time you need to remind yourself to get over it, move on, and live a healthy life.

To sum it up, take care of yourself, create your life the way you want it to be, do everything you can to break those cycles of memories and negativity. Become as strong and centered as you can. Bring into your life all that brings nourishment and health.

Now, after you have done all the above I have one last little secret trick for you. Well, it is not actually a secret but it is a very powerful technique to help with your healing.

OK, ready? Put on your inspirational music and then....

Take out a piece of paper and fold it in two. On the first half of the paper, on the bottom or top write today's date. On the second half of the paper write the date you are going to feel well and happy again. OK, now, draw a picture on today's side of how your feel today. Draw anything that can help you describe or demonstrate how you feel. Then, on the other side, draw something that will help you visualize how it will feel when you are happy and over the relationship. Really make it vivid. Draw flowers or sunshines or stars and hearts or whatever comes to you; make the picture beautiful and bright and alive.

Now, hang up the picture where you will see it everyday. Guess what? You are going to feel well and healthy on the date you wrote down. Just you wait!

Lots of love to those who are struggling....

Jennifer

Please note... if you are in an abusive or dangerous relationship, please get professional help to be safe.

How to Manage Your Anger

2008-07-09T05:46:00.000-07:00

I have written several posts on abuse for women, (you can read here), so this post is directed toward men* who may be abusive, or who are in need of some help managing their anger.

This topic is one that could easily fill volumes, and this short post is not meant to be a treatise on the subject. My hope is to give some insights and ideas to better manage ones anger.

How to manage your anger....

I approach the management of anger from two perspectives:

1. In the moment anger and

2. Underlying issues that cause the anger.

Let me elaborate.

We all get angry. It is an appropriate response to some stimuli or events, but there are both healthy and harmful ways to manage this emotion. In the moment management are techniques and suggestions to handle those times when we get angry so there will be no harm.

However, in abusive situations there are typically underlying issues that lead to anger and very harmful demonstrations of it. Having worked with hundreds of male abusers, I would say nearly all men involved with domestic violence have underlying issues of shame.

I would highly recommend anyone who is abusive to get serious therapeutic counseling by a trained professional who specializes in issues of abuse and anger. The underlying issues can be dealt with and healing can take place.

For this post, I want to share five general ideas for the management of anger in the moment. This post is not intended to resolve underlying issues which need professional help.

1. Change perspective.

Have you ever been driving in a car and someone pulled out in front of you and you yell some obscenity at them or show the driver a particular finger? You get angry as a response to the (likely) mistake of another.

Now, what if you realized that the driver in front of you was actually your grandmother who inadvertently pulled out without seeing you? For most people, the anger instantly disappears.

Why? Because in the realization, in a moment of receiving new knowledge the situation completely changed. Did anything concrete change? No. Just your perspective and understanding.

When in a heated argument, what can you think of that would change your perspective. You may picture your boss, the police, or religious leader walking in seeing you in this rage, or maybe a child getting hit by something you throw intended for your spouse. You might visualize your partner being in the hospital, in the ICU fighting for her life after being hit in the head by you.

Take some time to ponder how you can change perspective.

2. Create a plan.

To manage anger in the moment, you must create a plan.

When you are in a happy mood and all is well, you come up with a plan on how you will behave and manage your anger the next time you are in a difficult situation when your anger is emerging. Do some brainstorming here. Come up with all those things that help you, write them down, create a list, post them where you can see and memorize them. Have them handy and available.

3. Specific techniques to manage anger.

Often a conversation may get heated and it escalates until there is little chance for a happy ending. The best advice is to intervene PRIOR to the escalating. As soon as you notice you are getting out of control (or even before this), stop. Just stop. Break your state.

You take a minute to do some deep breathing. You change position or body posture. You get a drink of water (not alcohol). Pour water on your face, jump up and down, or do something weird, whatever you have to to change your anger state. Have several ideas already in place so you know, as soon as you feel yourself moving toward a dangerous place, you have ready ideas on how you will stop the anger from exploding.

4. Should you walk away if you are angry?

This is a tricky question. If you are about to beat up your partner, of course it is better to walk away. No question about this. However, some men walk away as a display of power and control. In other words, if they walk away and refuse to discuss an issue or engage in a conversation, they are the ones who have control over the situation. They want to retain their power and do this by not engaging in that with which they are uncomfortable.

What is more appropriate is to have a plan. Have an honest conversation PRIOR to any difficult situation, to discuss with your partner how one will manage the anger. It can be decided that if a discussion is getting heated, both partners, or either partner can take a fifteen minute break to calm down, then return to the discussion.

5. Prevention is everything.

There is significant research to demonstrate that we can prevent explosive anger to a large degree. The more at peace one is, the more relaxed, the happier, the less emotional outbursts will occur and the better one can manage anger. However, as I mentioned there is often much more to abuse than stress and unhappiness.

Again, there is absolutely NO excuse for abuse, and as I have stated, an abuser needs serious help to deal with underlying issues of power and control.

If you know you have a problem get help now, right today. Make the phone call. We know from research that abuse tends to escalate. If you are emotionally abusing right now, it very likely will move toward physical abuse. If you have already engaged in pushing, hitting, and throwing behavior, the abuse will move toward even more serious, dangerous, and hurtful behavior.

Please get help.

Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Will a Married Man Leave His Family for his Mistress?

2008-07-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

Do married men leave their wives and families for a mistress?

The answer is a profound, clear, resounding, NO.

Statistics for men leaving their wives and families for a mistress are somewhere around 2-4 percent, but of those, the relationships that actually become healthy long term partnerships are virtually non-existent.

All the women who are in a relationship with a married man, who think they are the exception are fooling themselves and not facing reality.

Why is it that married men do not leave their wives and families for that young, sexy, available mistress?

If a man says he loves his mistress (which may very well be manipulative behavior to keep another woman around), why won't he leave?

Lets look at this question from two perspectives:

First lets talk about biology and evolution, then we can go on to practical matters.

There has been extraordinary research done on relationships, partnering patterns, and sexual strategies. (Helen Fisher, David Buss, and Jared Diamond to name a few of my favorite researchers). What is clear and consistent, cross culturally and historically is that humans pair bond. What this means is that humans instinctively sexually, emotionally bond with one person at a time. There is no question about this, the research is robust. Now, about fifty percent of men (and women given similar opportunities), may have a sexual relationship on this side but they bond with one mate at a time. The affair is not the primary bond, it is sex on the side.

Humans enjoy the family relationship. They enjoy the bond that comes with living together as a family unity. The fact that men* may have additional sexual partners on the side does not ignore the reality that men enjoy the security, comfort, and love of a family. If a man is bonded to his wife and children, a woman or two on the side is not going to replace his family, it is just an additional bit of sex.

Evolution seems to have created a strong and powerful sense of familial care to ensure the survival of ones offspring. While this instinct may not even be consciously recognized, it is there nonetheless.

Here is what happens. Males (in many animal and bird species, including human) instinctively know that investing their resources in their offspring of the female to whom they are bonded give their offspring the best chance of survival. Some males however, engage in the sexual strategy of spreading their sperm with other females (promiscuous behavior), to allow the possibility that their sperm may result in additional offspring; offspring to whom they will not have to provide resources.

We see this sexual strategy over and over and over again in the animal world and in numerous human societies all over our planet. Couples pair bond and some engage in promiscuous behavior on the side.

Now, from a more practical perspective.

Why would a married man with a nice family leave for another woman? He has everything to lose and nothing to gain. Let's be really clear here. Why would a man who has a nice family destroy it for another woman when he can have his family AND extra sex on the side?

It makes no sense. Of course he will keep his family right along with whatever women will accommodate his desire for extra sex. You don't have to be a brain scientist or an expert on evolution to understand this.

So, for all the women who think their affair with a married man is going to end in some fairy tale romance where the man leaves his family for you, think again. It is not going to happen.

The passion, sex, and excitement is going to wear off; you will continue to be used for sex; he is not going to leave his family.

Your heart will be broken when he decides he no longer wants you around.

Is a married man going to leave his wife for a mistress?

Nope. Not a chance.

*Of course this is true for woman as well but this post is directed toward married men.

I found this fabulous photograph on Bob Mobile.

Where are the Good Men? Three Important Keys

2008-06-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

One of the most common questions I receive is, where are the great men?

Where are the Good men? Do they exist? Are they out there somewhere?

Yes there are great men.... no question about this! The problem is not that they don't exist, it is that women are not looking in the right places.

Let me share three ideas to help you discover where there are great men.

First, if you are not finding a good man, then look somewhere else.
We all know that if we keep doing the same things over and over we will get the same results over and over... right? When was the last time you engaged in a new activity?

Do something different. Meet new people. Participate in a variety of activities and events. What is going on in your community? Check out the University. Enroll in a class. Find something in which you are interested and chances are you will find others with a similar interest.

Most likely you are stuck in some sort of routine, repeating patterns set some time ago right?

Change it up!

Next, think about the kind of great man you really want, then consider where these types of men spend their time.

For example, if you want a man who respects women, don't hang out in places where men are disrespectful. This isn't brain science but seems some women forget this very basic knowledge.

The problem some women have is that they go looking for a guy who will give them attention, but don't pay attention to what sort of guys they are attracting.

To be really clear, great guys are not hanging around not-so-great guys.

Finally, great men are doing something with their lives.

They are accomplishing something. They are involved and engaged. If you want to find a great man, you must be engaged in life as well.

Spending every free minute looking for a man is not what I mean. No, I'm talking about truly engaging in life. Learning, growing, creating, sharing, helping, giving.

Sitting around whining and complaining, hanging out at the bar, repeating the mantra that all men are jerks is not really going to help the situation.

Here is the bottom line, women who think that all they have to do is look hot and know how to flirt to get a great guy are fooling themselves. Yeah, you might get a guy but not a great one. Remember a cat call and a guy staring at your cleavage is not the same as finding a really fabulous man.

The reality is, a great man wants a great woman.

Simple as that!

To All Perverts.... Listen Up

2008-06-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

OK, Perverts this post is for you.

STOP SCREWING CHILDREN!

I do not care if you are a sports star, a TV star, or a movie star.

I do not care if you are a governor, a senator, or the president.

I do not care if you think you are a prophet, if you think angels are talking to you, or if you think God or Allah or some other diety is commanding you to sexually use children.

In fact I don't care if you think you are King of the world, or God Himself.

STOP SCREWING CHILDREN.

If you are into child porn, child sexual abuse, or sexually fantasizing about children you are sick and you need help.

I do not care what you have to do to stop yourself from harming children but do whatever it takes; lock yourself in a closet, turn yourself in to authorities, or castrate yourself. I don't care.

Just stop screwing children.

All your excuses for your perversions are just ridiculous nonsensical justifications for your sickness so let me be clear:

You are harming children. There is nothing, NOTHING that makes your sickness anything but disgusting, despicable, revolting, and cruel. You know this.

So, stop it.

Child sexual predators are the most disgusting of human beings and need to be removed from society. If you are one of the perverts of whom I speak, get a clue, get help, and ...

STOP SCREWING CHILDREN!

Ladies, I don't need to tell you what you already know: A guy into child porn and child sexual abuse is sick, seriously sick; he is not a great guy by anyone's standards.

Short of Great Men, or Great Short Men?

2008-05-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

Why is it that some women overlook great men because they are short?

In a world, some women would say, is short of great men, why not realize that there are great short men?

Women complain that guys only look for the swim-suit model type of women but it is also true that some women overlook great guys because they are short.

So, why are short men nearly invisible to some women?

Most likely, a million years or so ago, there was some sort of evolutionary benefit for women to mate with taller men. Maybe they could run faster, throw a stick farther, or see predators over the shrubs better, so yes, we may have some genetic tendency to notice taller men.

But today we have brains, we can think, and we can move beyond some of those silly instincts that no longer serve us, indeed may be maladaptive to our finding a great man.

There is absolutely no reason for holding onto those archaic tendencies. None at all.

Yes, we are inundated with images of gorgeous women hooking up with tall, handsome guys, and somehow think that this is what a successful relationship looks like. But we all know this is an illusion, something along the lines of a fairy tale.

If you want a great guy, why not look at the really important qualities that make a man great? You know, things like honesty, respect, decency, faithfulness, caring, humanity, etc. etc.

The truth is, a man's height is unrelated to his goodness.

So, for all the women who think there are no great men out there, why not take some time and see if you have missed some great men just because they are not tall?

Thank you to my 5'5" tall great male reader for the inspiration for this post!

The Easy Way to Get a Guy... are you desperate?

2008-05-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

Getting a man is easy... having a healthy relationship with a GREAT man may takes more care.

How does one get a man?

Just go to the local bar, show lots of cleavage, wear bright red lipstick, let guys know you are available and *poof* you will have yourself a guy. OK, so it may not be your dream man but if you are desperate for a man go for it.

The problem is, some women think this strategy is going to get them a GREAT man.

It is not.

Regardless of what some women think, seriously great men are just not interested in having a serious relationship with a desperate woman.

Think about it.

Desperate women are desperate for a reason. Desperate women aren't with a great man for a reason. Desperate women show their desperation and neediness for a reason.

Yes, I know some women find the attention that comes from men staring at their breasts gratifying, and some women get an ego boost by being picked by some guy at a bar, but all this has nothing to do with finding a great men with whom one can have a healthy relationship.

So again, here is what women must know:

Great men are not into desperate women. They just aren't.

So, lets explore what is behind desperate women a little more.

Why are some women so desperate for a man?

Let's discuss three important reasons:

First, of course we have those bothersome instincts and urges to find a mate. Of course these drives are very powerful, no question about this. However, we also have brains and hearts and can make decisions that rise above those urges that may not lead us in the right direction.

In other words, we can step back and analyze a situation and decide that we are not going to engage in behavior that is not in our best interest.

Secondly, many of us live in a society that promotes the belief that a woman must attach herself to a man to find happiness. This belief goes way back to ancient times when women depended on men for their very survival. Now, don't get me wrong, I think healthy relationships are fabulous and am a strong advocate and proponent of long term, intimate relationships. I think there is great beauty and brilliance in marriages and families.

However, I am not a fan of women attaching themselves to any not-so-great guy just so they can feel validated or feel like their lives are meaningful.

Many women feel that they are not significant, or life is not purposeful if they are not with a man, hence they get used and abused and thrown aside by less than decent guys. They become desperate.

Finally, low self esteem. Women who don't value themselves or think they are worthless typically don't discover great men. The lower ones self-esteem the less likely a woman is going to engage in a healthy relationship with a truly fabulous man. Strong, emotionally healthy women partner with strong emotionally healthy men.

OK, so what does a woman do if she is feeling desperate?

Here are six ideas to help you release your desperation:

1. Become aware of your feelings, your needs, and your struggles. Just acknowledging your struggles often brings you into a new frame of reference and provides some new perspective. Listen to yourself and notice your behavior.

2. Let go of that need to attach yourself to any guy to feel validated. Really think about this and let your brain realize how silly this whole belief is. Trust me, being alone is better than being with a not-so-great guy who uses and abuses you.

3. Do all you can to raise your self esteem and respect yourself. Be your best self, honor your uniqueness, work on your personal issues. If you need some help with this find a good therapist.

4. Engage in behaviors that bring you fulfillment and joy. What sorts of activities and hobbies do you really enjoy? Are you forgetting the things that really bring happiness while thinking that happiness is only found in a guy? Do you need to find an outlet for your creativity and a place for fun?

5. Help others. We all know that serving and caring for others brings a deep sense of fulfillment in one's life. Serving others is one of those activities that is almost a cure-all for what ails you. It gives us a more expanded awareness of life, raises our self-esteem, reminds us of what is really important in life. Where can you volunteer? Are there people in your life who may need your help? Can you reach other to others?

6. Cherish your relationships. Sometimes desperate women spend so much time trying to get a guy that their real relationships are left hanging. Reinvest in your loved ones, your true friends, and the people who truly care about you. Honoring those who will always be there for you by treasuring their love is one of the most important things you can do in life.

To sum it up... if you want to find a great man for a healthy long term relationship, stop being desperate.

Getting Noticed, and the Compulsive Obsession for Attention

2008-04-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Humans seem to require attention.

From the moment a baby is born into this world, its very life depends on being noticed and receiving attention, and it may well be that one of our most fundamental needs for survival is to be noticed.

However, something seems to be seriously wrong in our world today.

More and more we see people engaged in aberrant, disgusting, cruel, and out of control behavior in hopes of gaining some attention.

Teenage girls are posting nude pics to their male classmates on their phones, we see children videotaping fights to show on You tube, we see women barely clothed in hopes of getting the attention of men, we see adults creating crude and ridiculous nonsense to share with the world, hoping for their five minutes of fame.

What is happening? Why is this "need" for attention so out of control?

Some time ago I contemplated a story on the news of a celebrity who had recently died of a drug overdose. Over and over the news showed her scantily clad, posing for the camera, seemingly completely consumed, almost high with the attention she received.

Her voice screaming out to the world was... "look at me", "notice me", "see me".

While she may have found the attention gratifying, I couldn't help but wonder what it was that created such a grossly distorted obsessive need for this type of attention.

The need to be noticed may be a basic need for all of humankind, but for some this "need" is completely out of control and clearly maladaptive, even perverted.

We know that babies require attention to survive, and obviously there is a primitive requirement for mating that is based on being noticed and being attractive to members of the opposite sex, however is this a "need" gone astray?

If we ponder our individual need for attention, do we find a healthy attribute reflecting good character, or can we recognize that the way we fill this "need" may not actually be in our best interest?

As adults do we send the wrong messages to young people, that a few minutes of fame is more valuable than living a decent life? Do we celebrate and/or worship those who demand attention, as vulgar and unseemly as it may be? Do we portray a false reality as we proclaim stardom and celebrity more important than respect and integrity? Do we give the impression that a meaningful life can only be achieved with fame and glory?

While of course there is nothing wrong with fame or attention, there is something definitely wrong with behaving in cruel, degrading, and dispicable ways in order to gain attention or to get noticed.

There is something seriously wrong when children, teenagers, even adults are acting in unhealthy and hurtful ways believing their moment of fame will somehow lead to a meaningful life.

Polygamy, Abuse, Eldorado Texas, and the Law

2008-04-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

I want to shout my thanks to all the men and women who are helping the women and children out of the polygamous compound in Eldorado Texas!

For those who are unaware of what is happening here in the United States, after receiving two phone calls last week from a child in the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) compound in Eldorado Texas, Child Protective Services and law enforcement have gone into the isolated community to save and protect the children.

My heartfelt gratitude goes out to those with the courage and fortitude to help!

The sexual and physical and emotional abuse in these fundamentalist communities has gone on far too long and I applaud the efforts of those who are finally taking action.

For over a hundred years, the FLDS cult, a break off sect of the of mainstream Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, has abused women and children. It is time the practice ends.

While we Americans highly value freedom of religion, when citizens break the law and harm children we draw the line.

It is against the law in this country to exploit and abuse children.

It is against the law to rape children.

It is against the law for a man to have multiple "wives".

It is against the law for men to marry children.

It is against the law to engage in human trafficking, trading, or selling children.

These polygamous communities have, for a century engaged in all the above, arranging marriages of young girls, raping children, physically abusing boys, brainwashing the young. It is an outrage that anything like this has been able to go on in the United States of America for so long.

Finally, the authorities are taking action and helping these children!

Hooray!

The horror has largely been isolated in remote areas of Utah and Colorado but four years ago, the FLDS purchased a 1,700 acre ranch in Eldorado Texas to use as their secretive isolated compound. It is heavily guarded and community members rarely leave their compound.

The self-proclaimed prophet/leader of the FLDS community, Warren Jeffs is currently serving time in prison for his cruel treatment of girls, but the society continues their illegal practices, believing they are the one and only true church of Jesus Christ.

While the FLDS communities continue to flourish in other areas, law enforcement in Texas decided they will not allow the abuse to continue! Good for them!

So far, in the five days investigation, over four hundred children have been removed from the compound, with the state taking temporary custody of all of them; most likely more will be found. The sixteen year old girl who made the call to report the abuse is still missing.

These FLDS truly believe they are in harmony with God's will and are the chosen and elite of God. They believe, as their prophet Joseph Smith taught that polygamy is required to live in the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom, or the heaven where God resides.

The women and children fear the outside world, believing we are all of Satan, trying to destroy the true ways of God. They are removed from society, do not watch television, news, or go to state or private schools. Many are unschooled and fearful of outsiders.

My heart goes out to the children as they go through the trauma of being removed from this horrible system; it will be some time before they heal and adjust to mainstream society.

And, my deepest gratitude to those who are attempting to end this degrading practice!

May these children finally find peace.

Average Women, Real Women, Wonderful Women

2008-03-31T08:54:00.000-07:00

Spending more than an hour or two watching television or flipping through a woman's magazine, one would get the impression that all women are 5'10'', weighting in at 100 pounds.

Guess what?

The average women in the United States is 5'3'' inches tall and weighs 152 pounds.*

Thanks right... reread the facts just to let it sink in!

Five feet three inches tall..... 152 pounds!

According to the research at Lifestyle Monitor, forty percent of women are size 14 or over.

Forty-nine percent of women state they can't find flattering clothing.

Forty-five percent of women say they can't find clothing they like in their size.

So, if you are a women, regardless of your size, take heart. In spite of what is promoted in the media, you are normal, authentic, and great just the way you are!

If you are six feet four or four feet seven, or anything in between, you are still valuable, worthy of respect, and needed on this earth.

Now, I am not a rocket scientist but it seems to me that those in the fashion industry need to get a clue?

Maybe they missed the memo that most real women do not look like the anorexic, airbrushed, photo-shopped, exaggerated Barbie they promote? I don't know but I think it is time they took note of the research and started designing for, and celebrating and honoring ALL women... even the ones that may not look like their models.

Wouldn't it be great if women didn't feel a need to be the unhealthy, unrealistic, exaggerated pretend human beings that we are told we should be, and were able to embrace our real selves, flaws and all?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if our focus was on emotional and physical health rather than appearing in a way demanded by an unhealthy society?

Wouldn't it be great if women and men began to realize that there is enormous value in women accepting themselves, honoring their form, and celebrating their unique individual beauty?

I think so!

What do you think?

*According to the National Department of Health and Human Services.

Glorifying Prostituion and the Reality of the Sex Industry

2008-03-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

With all the stories of prostitution, cheating, and affairs in the news lately, I have concern for the glorification of the industry as it concerns girls and young women.

The message that prostitution is glamorous and that getting money so a guy can sexually use your body, is not the most healthy message to send to our girls, our daughters, and the young women of our society.

The "industry" is not glamorous; not by a long shot. The lives of most prostitutes are filled with abuse, rape, threats, STDs, substance abuse, fear, homelessness, sex slavery, degradation and humiliation.

Let's be real for a minute and look at the real life of women in the business.

The vast majority of women in the business hate it. They need the money but hate the work. They were often manipulated or coerced into the business. They are often homeless and desperate. They often require drugs to dull the pain and disgust of having to allow a stranger to use their bodies while performing all sorts of acts.

The "Johns" may not be decent, kind, nice, or attractive...in fact they may be dirty, smelly, and repulsive; they may like aberrant or deviant sex acts that a woman finds repulsive. The may be abusive, hurtful, and disrespectful. Doesn't matter.

These women learn how to pretend the guy is great when behind their backs they laugh at how they can manipulate the Johns to believe they are really great guys. They are paid to pretend a guy is wonderful when in fact he may be the farthest thing from a decent man.

Let's look at some statistics of girls and women in the business:

The average age of entry into the business: 14-16 years old.

Percentage of girls/women who have been threatened with a weapon? 78%

Percentage of girls/women who have been physically assaulted? 82%

Percentage of girls/women who have been raped? 82%

Percentage of girls/women who have been raped five times? 78%

Percentage of girls/women who are or were homeless? 84%

Percentage of girls/women who were physically abused as a child? 49%

Percentage of girls/women who were sexually abused as a child? 65-95%

Percentage of girls/women who would like help with drug/alcohol addiction issues? Nearly 70%

Percentage of girls/women who would like to leave the business? 87%

Percentage of girls/women who wish they had a safer place to live? 78%

Percentage of girls/women with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? approximately 70%

Prostitution is basically a woman giving up her body to a pimp who sells her to a guy to use as he wishes. It is the ultimate form of subservience and slavery. We can call it different names, pretend the women are all thrilled with their jobs, or even ignore the abuse, substance addictions, sexually transmitted diseases, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it doesn't change the facts.

There are behaviors clearly consistent in Pimps and abusive men. To pretend otherwise is to not look at the industry for what it is.

What is it? It is the selling of women's bodies for sex. Pure and Simple!

We do the girls and young women of our world a disservice when we glorify prostitution and portray the image that the life of prostitution is glamorous and filled with fame, fortune, and wealth. We do them a disservice when we suggest their worth is based on how sexually valuable they are to less than decent men.

The adults of our society need to look hard and long at what we are promoting in the media, what messages we send the girls and young women of our world.

Shame on all those organizations who promote and glorify the idea of prostitution to our girls and young people!

And, Kudos to those organizations who are responsibly reporting the reality of the business, demonstrating the real horror and degradation of the industry.

To read more please visit:

Prostitute statistics

Prostitute Job Description

Sex, Lies, and Seriously Bad Guys

2008-03-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

In case anyone is wondering, politicians who claim to be fabulous men who will clean up the filth in their state, but who are actually a contributing part of it; who lie, cheat, get involved with money laundering, and pay for prostitutes to travel to visit him in a fancy hotel are NOT great men.

And those who parade their wives in front of the world to further and publicly humiliate them while he tries to portray the image that she is not hurt, devastated, and embarrassed are even beyond jerks.

While we all make mistakes in life and no one is perfect, one has to wonder how a public figure with such power can allow himself to behave in such a truly disgusting manner.

No healthy or decent man just one day throws all caution to the wind and decides he is going to lie and cheat, break numerous state and federal laws, and engage in what most consider extremely immoral behavior lacking any integrity or decency; behavior that will embarrass and humiliate his family, destroy his career, and seriously negatively impact his life.

Nope, it doesn't happen.

How does it happen? It happens slowly over time. Little by little, one behavior at a time. It begins with a small indiscretion or two and moves to something more tantalizing, more exciting, more enticing.

Since most everyone in the United States have learned that the Governor of NY, Eliot Spitzer has been caught doing all of the above, what can we learn from his experience?

We can learn that money, power, and fame do not equate to goodness. I've said it before, while there are those women who may be attracted to powerful and wealthy men, money and power are not the qualities that make a good man! They have nothing whatsoever to do with greatness.*

We can learn that there are men speaking out who do not find the Governor's salacious and disgusting behavior humorous, and entertaining. There are men who do not think cheating on one's wife, purchasing sex from prostitutes, and betraying the trust and love of one's family is honorable and decent. Good men do not find such behavior tolerable.

We can learn that sexual addiction can and does destroy lives. The seriousness of this addiction cannot be overstated. For anyone reading this who feels they may have a problem, please get help. It is a difficult journey but there is help available. Or, if your partner is struggling with a sex addiction, get help for yourself. Again there are some very good resources to help you through this difficult experience.

Finally, a reminder: women, please protect yourselves.

You do not know where guys have been and with whom they have slept. Under no circumstance should any woman be having unprotected sex with anyone without being absolutely, completely, positively (meaning clean test results), sure a guy does not have HIV or other STDs.

In this age of deadly STDs the fact that many women STILL engage in unprotected sex astounds me. Yes, YOU can get HIV. It is not just other women getting infected. It is women who do not protect themselves!

So, one more time, great men do not cheat on their wives, engage in indecent, disgusting behavior, lie, cheat, and betray their families and those they represent.

And kudos to those politicians who are speaking out, who will not tolerate such behavior, who are tired of the not-so-good men in public office!

To read more about sexual addiction and to get some great resources, please visit, "Are You Addicted to Sex? Take the Test"

*I am not suggesting there are not great men who are successful.

How to Attract a Great Man... the Real Secret!

2008-03-03T14:03:00.001-08:00

There are all sorts of articles, techniques, books, and experts to tell you how to attract a good man.

They often miss the big secret, the one and only advice worth taking.

What is it?

Be your best self.

That is it.

Nothing more.

You do not need to know some ancient manipulative tricks, how to flirt, how to dress provocatively, what is the most alluring perfume, or the sexiest lip gloss. You do not need to learn some new body language, get some plastic surgery, or discover the latest man-catching techniques.

Nope.

If you truly want a healthy relationship, the trick is not to pretend to be someone else or copy some formula in a best selling book.

Let me be more specific.

Take a little inventory of yourself. Are there areas of your life in which you could improve? Are there things you know you should do to improve your life?

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

1. Are you contributing your unique gifts and talents to the world?

2. Are you using your abilities in ways that are meaningful and fulfilling?

3. Are you productive? Using your time valuably?

4. Are there things you want to learn or create that are lost or hidden?

5. Are there people you need to forgive to live with more joy?

6. Are you free from addictions and unhealthy harmful habits?

7. Are there areas of your life that need improving?

8. Are you taking good care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually?

9. Are you living an authentic life? On purpose?

10. Is your light shining brightly?

Rather than focus on some trick or technique to find a good man, why not focus on improving yourself and being the very best you, you can be?

Not only will your chances of finding a great man greatly improve but chances are you will find a truly compatible man who is right for you!

You do Not Need a Man to be Happy

2008-02-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

Five ways to attract a man.

Ten ways to look REALLY sexy.

Secrets he really wants you to know.

Tips to know before you see a plastic surgeon.

Sexy looks for Spring.

How to make him want you bad.

Hot hair, gorgeous eyes, and kissable lips!

The list goes on and on....

What list you ask?

The list of front page stories in popular women's magazines at the check out counter of every store in America.

What is the message? What are they selling?

They are betting you want to please a man, and they want to show you how!

Why?

Of course to gain wealth! Beyond this, however, publicists and marketers are betting on the fact that you think a man will bring you happiness. Because you think that you must have a man to confirm your wonderfulness. Because you think you must please a man or you won't be worth anything.

All lies.

The truth?

You do not need a man to be happy.

You do not need a man to proclaim your worth.

You do not need a man to be wonderful.

In fact hooking up with a not so good guy is going to make you miserable, feel worthless, and think you are less than wonderful.

Now, don't get me wrong, great guys are, well great. Relationships can be fabulous. Partnership can be amazing. But you do not NEED a man to make you happy.

I'll repeat: You do not need a man to make you happy!

It is a myth that is not only outdated and archaic but damaging and harmful as well!

Lets go back in history for a minute...

For the past few millennia, women have indeed been dependent on men for their survival. Unless a woman was "attached" to a man (whether a wife, concubine, slave or a prostitute), she didn't survive well in this world.

As time progressed, a woman's worth became associated with how much pleasure she could provide for a man, either through bearing children or through her sexuality.

But guess what?

Women today do not need a man to survive and they do not need to depend on a man for their self worth.

So, the question is, why are women still living as if their very lives not to mention their happiness depend on pleasing a man?

Of course we want to be kind and loving to our partners. We want to bring them joy and happiness, but we most certainly do not need to feel our self worth is based on how sexually appealing we are to the male population.

When will women move on from this primitive mindset?

Will there come a time where women realize that happiness comes from living a good and healthy life? That happiness comes from overcoming challenges, sharing their gifts, and bringing joy to others. It comes from caring, serving, giving, and helping. It comes from developing talents, learning, and growing. It comes from dedicating one's life to something worthwhile. It comes from one's spiritual path or embracing one's personal journey.

The point is, many women today are getting caught up in the false notion that happiness equates to pleasing a man.

It is just not so.

I wonder what would happen if women focused on those things that truly bring happiness rather than spending their lives focusing on how to please men? I wonder how our world would change if women realized their self worth is not dependent on their form or sexual attractiveness? I wonder how our future may unfold if women moved beyond the myths and discovered their unique gifts and talents that can heal our world?

I ponder the possibilities!

Just for Fun... Lets talk about Eve

2008-02-14T17:33:00.000-08:00

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God."Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" Came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He will revel in childish things. He will like to play with balls. He will throw them, kick them and hit them with little sticks. He’ll be a little vain and may give you a hard time. But he will be bigger and stronger than you and will like to fix things, so he will be a big help. He won't be too smart so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.......Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know.... woman to woman."

Five Myths about Good Men

2008-02-09T05:16:00.000-08:00

As we look around the world, it appears that many women are holding onto maladaptive ideas about what makes a good man.

Yes, we have genetic tendencies that many lead us to be attracted to a particular type of man but the truth is, we also have brains and can move beyond our primitive instincts. We can release some of those animalistic ideas, in fact we must if we want to find a good man.

While our primitive ancestor sisters may have needed a man who could catch an animal in the wilderness, or protect us from a tiger, guess what? We no longer live in that world.

While our human ancestors may have benefited from a rich and powerful man, reality is, the rich and powerful today do not necessarily make good partners.

To help you consciously understand what a good man is, here are five myths about men. Myths that would be best released if you want to find a good man:

1. Wealth does not equate to a good man.

2. Physical attractiveness does not equate to a good man.

3. Power does not equate to a good man.

4. Domination does not equate to a good man.

5. Sexual conquests do not equate to a good man.

Women who buy into these myths are allowing their primitive instincts dominate what is true.

The truth is, a good man may not be rich or powerful or gorgeous. These five traits say nothing about who will be faithful, caring, compassionate, dedicated, committed, and honest. They saying absolutely nothing about a man's ability to care for his family. They say nothing about a man's ability to be a good husband or partner.

In fact, it could easily be argued that some of these traits actually are at the root of those not-so-great men of which we discuss on this blog.

We are not living in prehistoric times when we needed a man to protect us from wild animals. Nor are we living in ancient times when a woman depended on the good graces of men for survival.

Today, you can choose a good and decent man with whom you can share your life.

The first requirement in doing so is to realize what false beliefs are hanging on in your DNA!

Let go of the myths!

Using Your Sexuality at Work

2008-02-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

A recent university study reports 49% of women admit to using their sexuality* to gain favors in the workplace.

No, no, no!

Ladies, we have come way too far to go back to a time where women were nothing but objects, where a woman's role was to serve the man, where her value was based on her contribution to a man.

If we want to be treated as equals, if we want to be respected as human beings, we simply cannot act as if we are nothing but a man's play thing as we try to use our form to get promotions or raises.

If we want to be respected, we must act respectable.

In addition to the above startling statistic, research also shows that women who use their sexuality at the work place have lower self-esteem than those who do not.

No surprises here. This statistic supports what we already know.

Women who are confident, secure, talented, smart, with a strong sense of self do not need to resort to using sex to get ahead in life. They know their worth and want to be valued by society as a fabulous woman.

Confident women are not looking for a man who thinks of woman as nothing but a form. Women with high self-esteem want a man who truly values and respects them for the great person they are.

Do you use your sexuality at work to get ahead?

Take the quiz and find out:

1. Do you dress provocatively around men at work?

2. Do you find yourself desiring compliments and looks from the men with whom you work?

3. Do you pay more attention to your appearance than you do your job?

4. Is your self-esteem tied up with how men react to your appearance?

5. Is your appearance crucial to your self-worth?

6. Do you have a history and/or tendency to flirt with men at work?

7. Have you recognized in yourself a lack of true confidence?

8. Do you believe your worth is based on how attractive you are to men?

9. Do you sometimes wish you didn't have to play the sexuality card?

10. Have others noticed your lack of self-esteem or use of sexuality in the workplace?

I'll let you decide if you fall into the category of using your sexuality to get ahead at work.

If you do, chances are you are having some self-esteem issues.

How do you resolve these challenges?

You work on yourself. You become confident. You find your gifts, your talents, your abilities. You surround yourself with those who are not concerned with your appearance. You find your value in being a good human being, helping others, making a real difference.

You do not resort to using sex to get ahead.

This is not the 13th century. We have moved into a time when many women throughout the world can be educated, have opportunities, and be valued for their unique contributions to the world.

There is NO need to move back into the Dark Ages where a woman's value was in her form.

Lets move on!

One more thing, in this study, the women who used their sexuality to try to get ahead were actually valued less and received fewer promotions than their more respectable counterparts.

Moral of the story: using sex at work to get ahead not only shows a lack of self-esteem, it just doesn't work these days!

*Using one's sexuality included wearing short skirts, showing cleavage, flirting with one's boss, etc.

Define Yourself - Harvey Fienstein Quote

2008-01-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."

~Harvey Fienstein

Never give up yourself for a relationship.

Never dismiss or ignore inappropriate, indecent, or abusive behavior in a partner.

Never base your self worth on a man's opinion of you.

A good man will bring out the best in you. He will support you, care for you, honor and respect you.

A good man will appreciate your unique talents, abilities, and gifts. He will never try to make you into someone you are not.

He will not force you to do what is unhealthy or harmful. He will not demand you behave in ways foreign to your nature. He will not ridicule, condemn, or denigrate you.

A good man will never try to silence you or dismiss you.

You do not need an unhealthy relationship. You do not need a less that great man. You do not need a life of degradation and emotional heartache.

Find yourself. Honor who you are. Know you are of value to this world.

You don't have a Relationship? What is Wrong with You?

2008-01-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

You are a great woman, a wonderful person, and yet you can't find a great man.

Why?

Many women in this situation start asking themselves, what is wrong with me?

Why can't I find a good man?

What am I doing wrong?

I know women who have read all the books on how to get a man, know all the supposed expert strategies, tricks, and techniques to catch a man. I know women whose lives are centered on finding a guy, whose very reason for existing is to get that man.

Still, they remain single.

What is going on?

First, if you are in this situation, I salute you for not being so desperate that you will settle for a not-so-great guy. Good for you. No guy is worth sacrificing your self-esteem, sense of goodness, and emotional and physical health.

Next, if you truly want a good, healthy relationship and you are not finding one, there could be a variety of problems. For a few, (of many), examples... you may not be in a situation where you will meet good guys. You may have work to do before you are really ready for a relationship. You may not recognize a good man when you meet him. You may have unrealistic expectations. You may show signs of being unavailable, needy, or otherwise desperate. Any number of dynamics may impact the situation.

Regardless of the particular situation, I have one bit of advice that is appropriate for all women who desperately want a man in their life for a long term, healthy partnership.

Live a full life.

That is it. Simple. Clear.

Over and over I have seen women, who let go of the need for a man, and who, in this very act of release, find the man of their dreams.

It seems that moving into a place where one finds fulfillment and peace with their individual life, is the very requirement for some women to bring into their life a good man.

While I do believe that often, we find what we are looking for, it is also true that at times we are looking so hard we can't see clearly.

It is also true that living in a state of emptiness and lack may actually be the very dynamic that keeps one in the state of lack. In other words, when we feel empty, we subconsciously may hold this place as one of homeostasis, and keep this as the norm regardless of what we want.

Another dynamic that may come into play... reminding oneself that they do not have what they want, neurologically limits happiness. Research has shown time and time again that acceptance of one's situation, even if it is not wonderful, actually leads to or enables happiness.

It may be that by focusing on wanting and desiring a man, subconsciously reminds a woman that her needs are not met, thereby creating an uneasiness and longing that actually keeps a relationship from blossoming.

So, what do you do?

You live a full life.

You find fulfillment in ways that do not require a man. You give love to those in need. You become involved in helping others. You move in to a place where you feel full and alive. You work on yourself. You surround yourself with great healthy friends and loved ones. You create, play, share. You become whole. You accept your present situation as if there is no lack.

You let go of the need.

In the acceptance comes contentment.

In the peace comes happiness.

And, in giving up the need, you move into the very place where you allow a healthy relationship to exist.

Are You Dating a Jerk? Do you Want to Get out of the Relationship? Read on!

2008-01-05T06:56:00.000-08:00

Are you dating a guy that is less than decent?

Are you in a relationship you know is unhealthy?

Are you wondering why you tolerate a guy who is not a very good man?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, my next question to you is....

...............Why?

Don't just respond with silliness, take some time and ponder the answers that come to you.

To help you get started, here are ten thought provoking questions you may ask yourself:

1. What are you gaining from the relationship?

2. Why do you think you deserve a not-so-great guy?

3, What parts of yourself are you giving up to remain in the relationship?

4, What would life be like without this man in your world?

5. Imagine and describe what a healthy relationship would feel like?

6. Why do you think you are valuable to your not-so-great guy?

7. Can you imagine yourself being with this guy for the rest of your life?

8. How much of your life are you wasting by continuing with this unhealthy relationship.

9. What fears are keeping you from moving on?

10. What would you need to help you release this unhealthy guy from your life?

After answering these questions, you may have a little insight into why you hold onto a relationship that you know is unhealthy.

If you want to leave, and are trying to get the strength to move on rather than languishing in the state of feeling stuck, allow yourself to make a commitment that you will find a way to release the relationship. Put the thought into your brain that you do not deserve to be treated poorly, you do not need to tolerate a less than decent guy, and you will find the support and internal motivation to get out of any relationship that is not healthy and mutually beneficial.

How to get out of the relationship:

To get out of a relationship you do not need to have all the answers, you don't even need to have a clear plan, just begin with the decision that you do not need a relationship that is harmful to you, and you can manage the world without a guy.

Next, do everything you can to strengthen your emotional self. What can you do that helps your self-esteem? Are you engaging in activities and behaviors that contribute to your well-being? Is your life moving along a path that is filled with goodness and joy?

Finally, surround yourself with those who add a positive energy to your life. The more you find support and care with others, the less you will depend on a guy who is not benefiting your life... the less you will feel needy and obligated.

Most importantly, know deep down in your heart that you can be in a healthy and happy relationship. And, know that your life can be wonderful and fulfilling even without a man.

Know that you do not need to tolerate a guy that treats your poorly.

Note: This post addresses the needs of women stuck in unhealthy relationships. In the case of abusive, I highly recommend and encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to get professional help.

What Happened to Feminism?

2008-01-04T06:09:00.000-08:00

For six thousand years, women were degraded, demeaned, denigrated, and owned. Women could not hold most jobs, participate in theology, government, or law. They could not own property, request a divorce, or be formally educated. Women were not allowed to play in a symphony, design an edifice, or participate in the arts.

Women were viewed as subservient to men. They were on the earth to attend to men, produce male children, and be a body for sexual pleasure. Generally speaking that was it.

Then, two hundred years ago, things started to change.

Feminism moved into human consciousness.

While many consider feminism a reflection of time filled with "angry, bitter, male hating women" in the 60's, I'm using the dictionary definition:

Feminism:

"The doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men."

In other words, feminism is the belief that women are fully human and deserving of equal rights as men.

For two hundred years more and more men and women moved into a consciousness where women are understood as equal human beings capable of sharing their gifts and talents with the world.

In several countries and comm unites throughout the world, women and men had a sense of a new morality. An awareness came into humankind that women were actually human beings deserving of education, opportunities, and human rights,

And, today, things again have changed.

What happened to feminism?

Today, in many parts of the world, women do indeed have equal opportunities. Women can be educated, participate in community, and share their unique energy and essence with the world. Yet, perhaps more than any other time in history, young women are again feeling reduced to a body.

Our society is inundated with the message that women are on the Earth to sexually serve and accommodate the needs of men. While the demand for women to have male babies, to reproduce numerous offspring, and to cater to the male is slowly disappearing, young women seem to be buying into the belief that they are their bodies, and their self worth is equated to how sexually appealing they are to men.

Eating disorders, body image issues, and self-loathing, all representative of a culture that has reduced women to a form. Women and girls whose primary focus is on attracting and keeping a man seem to have lost the awareness that they are more than their bodies, and they have more to share with the world than sexual attractiveness.

This out of control need for women to base their self worth on their body damages self-esteem and thwarts the ability of women to fully embrace their femaleness.

Yes, women are beautiful, sexual, and attractive.

Women are also talented, gifted, bright, alive, vibrant human beings. Women have ideas, ideals, insights, thoughts, experiences, and wisdom to share!

Do we realize how far we have come only to be reverting back to a mindset from an archaic time?

I wonder if young women do not realize what it took to bring forth the opportunities they are currently afforded in much of the world.

Do young women know that until the last few decades, married women in the United States did not even legally own the rights to their bodies? It was not against the law for a man to rape his wife until a few years ago.

Do you know that in recent history women could not request a divorce?

Do young women know how many thousands of women and men worked tirelessly for decades to give women the privilege to vote?

To give a sense of how recently women have moved into equality, here are a few firsts for women in the United States:

1849, first women to receive a medical degree in the United States.

1853, first women to be an ordained minister in the United States.

1869, first women lawyer.

1914, first women to conduct a symphony.

1925, first woman governor.

1967, first woman to sit on the NY Stock Exchange.

1981, first Supreme Court Justice.

1997, first woman Secretary of State.

Much of the world has certainly made huge progress in the last hundred years. In fact, it was less than one hundred years ago, in 1920, the nineteenth amendment to the United States Constitution passed as law.

And yet, 20,000,000 unmarried women in the US did not vote in the last general election.

Why?

Are we taking for granted our equality? Do we forget what it took to bring us to this place of freedom?

As we begin the new year, it is my hope that we, as women can remind ourselves of our legacy and honor those who have brought forth the equality, respect and human rights that many of us enjoy.

It is my hope that young women particularly will understand that they are more than a form, and their physical attractiveness is not the definitive measure of their worth.

It is my hope that women will embrace their dreams and share their gifts.

It is my hope that single women who want a relationship will find a man who respects them, who honors them, and who values their unique contributions, personality, and character.

Note...I write this mindful of the many women throughout he world who still are unable to walk in public without a male, who cannot exist in public without a veil, who cannot drive a car, vote, or own property.

Self Esteem, Good Choices, and the Waitress!

2007-12-16T07:21:00.001-08:00

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Are you feeling needy for a man?

Are you having an affair with a married man?

Are you forgetting what it means to have great self esteem?

If any of the above are true for you, I encourage you to watch a newly released (on DVD), endearing movie, "Waitress."

Now, this delightful film may not win, Best Picture of the Year, and it may not make a billion dollars, but it has a fabulous message... a message I wish all women could hear!

I won't tell you too much about the movie because I am hoping you will all see it but let me just say it is about...

Making mistakes and moving beyond them.

Discovering your inner strength.

Friendship.

Making good choices.

Discovering your inner beauty.

Decisions and opportunities.

What is really important in life.

This romantic comedy demonstrates what it means to be a strong woman. It portrays a woman who uses her gifts and talents and abilities to brighten the world. Who finds strength and light inside herself. Who doesn't need a man to save her, support her, or make life worth living.

I'm always surprisingly refreshed by the rare movie that doesn't objectify women, that doesn't spread the myth woman are here for the pleasure of men, and that doesn't teach women they are their bodies.

Hooray for, "Waitress."

Kudos to Adrienne Shelly!*

*Adrienne Shelly was tragically murdered last year during the making of this film.

Are you an Option or a Priority?

2007-12-11T07:39:00.000-08:00

Don't let a man become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in his life.

Too often women think they have fallen in love with a man, only to later, often painfully discover that the guy was not equally entranced.

Ladies, before you get involved, before you give your heart to a guy, before you become completely infatuated with a man, step back and ask yourself if you are a priority or an option in the guy's life.

If you are just an option, take note! Realize that you are most likely one of many, someone available for fun, and the guy is not in the relationship for the long term.

Better to be honest and clear than find yourself with a broken heart down the road.

I found a variation of this quote on my friend Surjit's amazing Blog: Gurushabad

To Catch a Preditor - All about Jerks

2007-11-28T10:31:00.000-08:00

A must see, hugely successful program on television produced by Dateline NBC, sure to open your eyes about jerks, is, To Catch a Predator, hosted by Chris Hansen.

This program is about seriously not-so-great men who discover and seek out girls and boys in various chat rooms and proceed to make arrangements to hook up with these children while their parents are away.

Here is what happens on, To Catch a Predator.

In ordinary chat rooms frequented by young people, adult males decide to engage in a sexual relationship with a child. These grown adult men (usually between 25-60), often send nude photos of themselves, use extremely provocative language and discuss their sexual fantasies in detail with a vulnerable and naive middle school child.

These men believe they are chatting with a thirteen or fourteen year old girl or boy who is in fact a decoy. In reality, adults, hired by the show are pretending to be the young person.

The chatting goes on between the sexual predator and the adult decoy, while records and transcripts are being kept for future use.

Finally the man arranges a meeting to take place for some real time sexual activity.

When the man shows up at the residence of the young girl or boy, he is surprised to find Chris Hansen, reporter for Dateline there ready to interview him. With cameras ready and microphones on, Chris reviews the online conversations, questions the man's intent and when the predator walks out the door, the police are ready and waiting to apprehend the criminal who is arrested for a felony of intent to commit sexual acts with a minor.

Congratulations to Chris Hansen and Dateline for this program and for alerting all parents of what young people face today. Chris has interviewed over 200 sexual preditors in the past three years, and he has shown the world what many of us do not want to face:

Society is filled with sexual preditors willing to harm our children for their sexual pleasure.

What is surprising is that many of the predators Chris interviews have actually seen his show and are aware of the sting operation conducted by Dateline, and yet, they still try to hook up with these young people.

Another critically important bit of information that must be acknowledged. While many of us think of sexual predators as gruesome, cruel, slimy guys one would find in a dirty old bar somewhere, the reality is these men are your neighbors. They are the guy down the street. The Rabbi, the Pastor, the youth leader, the teacher, the man around the corner with three teenagers, and the nice old neighbor who is out trimming his trees. They are fathers, brothers, grandfathers. Many are married, participate in community events, and live what appears to be normal lives.

And yet... they are predators!

As I watch, To Catch a Predator, one question keeps coming to my mind. If Chris finds this many men in one little area of an average town in America, how many men are there out there who would hook up with a child to satisfy their perverse sexual needs?

While Chris has caught numerous predators since the inception of his show, he is catching a drop in the bucket.

It is sickening to contemplate.

So, if any men are reading this who may have some sort of inclination to take advantage of a child, or use a teenager for their sexual pleasure, GET SOME HELP!

Do whatever you have to do to stop your behavior. See a counselor. Do not hurt a child.

And if you do not care about the children who you would harm, just think about those predators who Chris has discovered... their lives are in ruins. They serve time in jail, their marriages end. Their children want nothing to do with them. They are the outcasts of society. For the rest of their lives they will be known as a sexual predator.

For anyone who has a child, teenager, or grandchild, please be alert to what your child is doing on the Internet. The problem of child predators is rampant. It is out of control.

We must protect our children from these monsters.

And to Chris Hansen and the folks at Dateline... keep catching those predators!

To read more, please visit, "To Catch a Predator."

The Ultimate Gift - The Transformation of a Jerk

2007-11-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

Do you want to enjoy a great movie and see the transformation of a not-so-good guy into a truly great man?

The Ultimate Gift is a touching story based on a book by Jim Stovell, of a young man with everything, and his journey to discover what matters in life.

"When his wealthy grandfather dies, Jason Stevens anticipates a big inheritance. Instead, his grandfather has devised a crash course on life with twelve tasks – or “gifts” – designed to challenge Jason in improbable ways, sending him on a journey of self-discovery and forcing him to determine what is most important in life: money or happiness."

Forbes writes, "We can tell you authoritatively that you've never seen a picture like it. Take It's A Wonderful Life, add The Heiress, put in a pinch of The Millionaire and you're starting to get warm."

Not only does the movie inspire us to remember what is truly important, it gives us a moment to reflect on our personal lives and cherish the gifts we enjoy each day... the truly great gifts!

To read more and to watch some great clips please visit: The Ultimate Gift

There is No Such Place as a Gentleman's Club

2007-11-22T10:54:00.000-08:00

There is no such thing as a
"Gentleman's Club".

That is right!

Such a place doesn't exist. Now, there are lots of other names for places where men can hang out in the dark and fantasize about women but they are most certainly not a place for gentlemen.

Because true Gentlemen would not objectify women or add to the degradation of women by hanging out in clubs designed to do just that!

Originally, Gentleman's clubs were designed as exclusive clubs for the wealthy upper class men in England. Of course at the time women were not allowed to participate in most of society and were still owned by men through marriage. Few women had rights to property, education, or even their bodies. It was a common practice to keep women out of the "man's world."

These early clubs were not for exploiting women but were places for men to relax and have a drink, visit with other men, and perhaps play parlor games.

Somewhere along the line, sad and lonely men who hung out in strip clubs where they could ogle and objectify women in the dark, decided to try to make their hang out sound more reputable by calling their seedy and salacious clubs, "Gentleman's clubs." Hardly!

Regardless of how hard these men try to sound like they are good men, or "gentlemen," the reality is, no great man is going to support companies or corporations who become rich by exploiting women.

And great men respect, honor, and value women as human beings, not as a body about which to fantasize.

Regardless of how plush the environment, how costly the price, or how fancy the name of a venue, men who use women are not great men. They are not gentlemen.

Men who have to hang out in a dark fantasy world while exploiting women are the farthest thing from a gentleman.

*There are those who will suggest women who exploit themselves are the ones using these lonely desperate men, and there is certainly a case to be made for this perspective. This blog is to help women find great men hence my focus on the men who are less than great!

Signs a Guy is Cheating?

2007-11-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

Is he cheating?

What do you think?

Take away the excuses, the rationalizations, the justifications for wondering.... what does your gut tell you?

If you are questioning, wondering, and asking yourself if a guy is cheating, your gut may well be telling you something you do not want to here.

Now, there are those women who are filled with anxiety, insecurity, and over the top jealousy, who misread signals and who have a history of not dealing well with reality. However, more often than not, your gut is honest, accurate, and giving you information of which you may not be consciously aware.

If you are feeling uncomfortable, unsettled, or getting some of those little nudges that something is just not right in your relationship, it may be helpful to take some time and acknowledge what it is that makes you wonder. What have you noticed? What seems inconsistent? What is different, out of character, or unusual?

What are your instincts telling you?

Now the hard part: allow yourself to be honest. To know one's partner is cheating is not something anyone wants to hear which is why women often go in to a state of denial and excuse making. Woman do not want to face the fact that their love interest has found someone else.

But you want the truth. Better to face reality than live with a man who is dishonest, cheating, and lying to you. Right? Right!

If you are in need of clear and specific clues that may help you know if a guy is cheating on you ask yourself these questions:

1. Is his behavior out of character? Is he more attentive? Less attentive? Buying gifts? Acting strange in some way? Is he less available? Calling more or less than usual? Is he constantly making excuses for his behavior? Apologizing and over compensating for something?

2. Is he moody? Constantly fighting? Walking out when things get tense? Hanging up? Seem irritable?

3. Is he removing himself from your life? Does he talk less? Have nothing to say? Seem bored with you? Does he seem "somewhere else"? Have little to say to you about anything? Is he disinterested and emotional unavailable?

4. Has the romance disappeared? Does he no longer tell you he loves you? Has sex diminished? Does he seem oblivious to your kindness and love? Is there little or no physical contact or affection, like hand holding, back rubs, etc.

5. Is he suddenly concerned with his appearance? Is he newly concerned with clothes? Have a new hairstyle? Wearing cologne for the first time in years? Spending more time getting ready, purchasing products, or getting a whole new look?

6. Does he have newly formed opinions? Is he participating in unusual activities? Discussing new ideas or thoughts? Interested in topics never before mentioned?

7. Does he talk less or more about a co-worker, friend, or colleague? He may start talking about a "friend," hoping to give the impression there is nothing going on. Or, he may all of a sudden stop talking about anything at work.

8. Are there very obvious clues that you have ignored? Have you found receipts from a hotel? Answered the phone and someone hangs up? Walked in while your guys was on the computer and he quickly deletes his email? Noticed frequent texts to some unknown person?

Obviously not every single item on the above list means a man is cheating. But if you sense something is not right, if you have a gut feeling that your guy is lying or deceiving you, it may be a good idea to take a good hard look at what is going on, and listen to what your instincts are telling you!

Why should you listen to your gut? Read more!

How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 50 - A Know it All

2007-11-13T06:31:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been with a guy who thinks he is always right... a "know it all?"

Guys that are the supreme authority on every topic including you?

Guys who are the experts on everything and anything?

Not only are they not fun to be around but they are not great men with whom to partner!

There is nothing more irritating than a guy who won't listen to another side of a story, who can't grasp that there are those who see the world differently, and who think they their opinion is gospel truth.

But, more than this, this trait is indicative of some more serious issues going on.

Guys who exist in a fantasy world where they know everything are really covering up a very low self esteem. They hide their insecurity by proclaiming their expertise but in reality, they can't handle the idea that they are not right, or that someone else may know more than do they.
These guys live in a black and white world where they are right and those who disagree are wrong. They will not listen to a differing opinion because it is prima facie wrong! They will not open their minds to looking at life in new ways, nor will they even consider the possibility that they could improve in some ways.

These guys will never offer a sincere apology, will never admit they are wrong, and will never allow others to see a vulnerable unsure side of themselves.

Some of these "know it all" guys may become religious fanatics, political zealots, or just overbearing men who make life miserable for those he encounters.

If you want a healthy relationship, realize that great men are open to learning, and they are comfortable with not knowing every answer to every question. They have opinions, even strong ones but they can listen to others and find a sense of understanding if not agreement. They can agree to disagree. Great men know the world is filled with all sorts of people with a variety of beliefs, ideas, perspectives and opinions.

If you are looking for a great man, find a man who can listen to others, can understand a variety of world views, and respects YOUR opinion even if you disagree!

Do You Deserve a Good Man?

2007-11-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

Often women find themselves in relationships with less than great guys because consciously or unconsciously they do not think they deserve a good man.

Do they?

Well, that depends.

Of course ideally it would be wonderful if every woman and every man found a fabulous and truly great partner. As human beings each person deserves to be loved and cherished. Obviously.

But lets look at the real world for a minute.

Should a woman who is dishonest, cruel, unkind, lazy and addicted to a few illegal substances expect that a truly great man will want her as a lifetime partner, and perhaps mother of his children?

Is it realistic for a mean-spirited, crass, cheating, woman who sleeps with every guy she meets at the bar, to think an incredible and noble man is going to want her as his future wife?

This blog is about helping women find great men. I discuss what it means to be a great man, and help women identify those men who are not so great.

But it is also important to remind ourselves that truly great men want great women.

Do great men always pick great women? No. But certainly great men do not want to partner with women who are miserable, tawdry, mean-hearted, and selfish.

If you have been involved with less than great men, it may be wise to take a good hard look at yourself and see if there are reasons you are continually picking not so great guys.

Now, please read the following very carefully.

I am NOT blaming women for the bad behavior of men. I realize that many men initially appear great and can put on a fabulous and convincing show. I understand there are GREAT women who find not so wonderful men. If you have picked less than great guys it does not mean you are not a good woman.

If you are in any of the above situations this post does not apply to you. In other words, if you are a great woman you can rest assured the problem is not that YOU are not a good human being.

This article is addressed to those women who engage in behavior that is less than desirable, who know they should clean up their lives, and who can look at themselves and see that a great man may not be interested in them due to their unhealthy, rude, irritating, illegal, or otherwise despicable behavior.

It is unrealistic for a woman to expect a relationship with a great man unless she is doing what she can to be a good human being as well.

Does being a great woman guarantee you will find a great and wonderful man? No. It does however increase the chances.

And, not only will you be more likely to find a good man if you are a good woman, you will find that your life takes on a depth and meaning impossible to acquire while living an emotionally, physically, and spiritually unhealthy life.

If you need to make some changes in your life, make them.

If you need to get some help, get some!

Is He In Love With You?

2007-11-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

I get hundreds of visits each day from viewers wondering how to tell if a man is in love with them.

It seems a common question women throughout the world are wondering.

I've addressed this topic in several different articles so thought I would collect and link several posts here so the question is addressed from multiple perspectives.

When asked, how to know if a guy is in love with you, my most common bit of advice would be... what does your gut tell you? What do you know inside? Listen to what you know to be true, not what you hope, wish, fantasize about!

The following links will give you a variety of information and ideas to help you know... if a man is in love with you!

Listen to your gut!

How to tell if a guy is using you!

How to tell if a man does not love you!

Ten tips to know you are being used!

How to tell if a man is in love with you!

How to tell if a guy is married!

If a guy truly loves you he will not....

How to know if a guy is using you!

How desperate are you?

Sex is not intimacy, love, or care!

Self esteem and the cycle of being used!

Be smart, be honest with yourself, be true to yourself, and find a man who truly does love you!

Things Great Men do Not Do

2007-11-06T19:11:00.000-08:00

Things Great Men do NOT do... from A-Z

A Abuse their partners
B Bully their partners
C Cheat on their partners
D Deceive the partners
E Emotionally hurt their partners
F Frighten their partners
G Grumble about their partners to others
H Harm their partners
I Ignore or insult their partners
J Joke about their partners
K Knock their partner's self esteem
L Lie to their partners
M Malign, or mistreat their partners
N Neglect their partners
O Offend or oppress their partners
P Push their partners
Q Quelch the dreams and goals of their partners
R Ridicule or rule their partners
S Slander or subjugate their partners
T Tyrannize their partners
U Underrate their partners
V Violate or verbally abuse their partners
W Wrong their partners
X Explore extra-sexual/intimate relationships
Y Yell at their partners
Z Show Zero interest in their partners

Image from this site!

Is there Love at First Sight?

2007-11-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

Is there love at first sight?

Nope!

What there is, is: attraction at first sight, infatuation at first sight, lust at first sight, captivation at first sight, enthrallment at first sight, enchantment at first sight, allurement at first sight...

But love at first sight? Nope.

This is not to say some women do not feel they are in love at first sight. Of course they do!

So, what is happening, when you see a guy and suddenly think you have found the perfect man for you?

You see a guy, he looks your way, your eyes meet, you immediately think you have found your soul mate, and you become obsessed, fixated, overpowered with desire.

It all goes back to your "love map."

A "love map" is an image of that ideal partner you have formed in your brain.

Many women, when finding a man who seems to fit this imaginary image in their brains, become convinced they have found their soul mate... the perfect man for them, the man of their dreams. They immediately, (or very shortly thereafter), feel they are desperately in love.

It may absolutely feel like love but it is more a chemical dynamic that involves a very powerful attraction... exploding into infatuation.

Let me explain a little more....

Very early on in your life, your brain began forming a picture of a mate. In childhood the connections in your brain started deciding, and figuring out, what was attractive, what was important, and what sorts of people were essential for your survival. Of course this is not conscious or clearly decided, nevertheless, connections began as a result of your experiences.

As time went by, your subconscious brain formed pictures based on your specific care taking adults, your culture, and your experiences, creating a host of qualities and characteristics that became important to you.

During adolescence, many of the pictures in the subconscious brain become bright and powerful images as girls search for that someone who they instinctively feel must be in their lives.

When you find a man who fits your "love map" a phenomenon happens that is often extraordinarily powerful. Some people consider this attraction magnetic because of its incredible power to energize and nearly take over one's life.

Is it love? No. It is a connection that has evolved in humans to get them to mate. And it works quite well don't you think?

While this strong and overwhelming attraction can be enormously pleasurable, drug like for sure, it can also be emotionally dangerous.

When I hear a woman tell me she has met a guy and is completely in love, even though they have never interacted, dated, or perhaps the man has never shown any romantic interest, it is clear the woman has found a man who matches her, "love map."

The problems arise when her brain and body become flooded with these powerful chemicals telling her a guy is the one for her, when the guy is not at all interested.

Real intimate, romantic, honest, and mature love requires knowing the person one "loves".

Real intimate love is more than the flood of chemicals that tell us another is attractive. In other words, it is more than infatuation and desire.

If you find yourself feeling you are in love with a man you hardly know, or who is not interested in you, step back for a time, remove yourself from the situation, release those thoughts telling you, you have found your dream man. Realize what is going on in your brain. Allow yourself to let go of your obsession. Immerse yourself in positive activities. Distract yourself with healthy and healing events.

Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to go down the painful road of thinking you have found your soul mate and he doesn't want you.

No... you have found a man that fits your mental image of a great guy, but he is not the one for you. There is someone else who fits that picture who will find YOU fitting theirs!

How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 49 - Developmentally Stuck

2007-10-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met a thirty year old guy who seems like he is still twelve?

Or a fifty year old man who is trying to be thirty?

Sometimes guys*, as they move through life get stuck. They may continue to age but developmentally they remain caught in a particular developmental stage of life.

Now, to be very clear... I am not talking about people who retain a youthful attitude, remain healthy and alive, who live a vibrant life, or who look and appear younger than they are.

I'm talking about a psychological phenomenon consistent with developmental theory where men* get stuck in a phase of life and do not move forward, mature, and/or live an emotionally healthy life.

Let me expound for a minute.

Psychosocial development is a theory articulated by psychologist Erik Erikson dividing a human life span into eight distinct stages.

Very simply, during each stage of life, a person has specific problem or challenge to confront. Erikson calls each challenge a, "psychosocial crisis". The person will either complete and master the challenge, or remain stuck in the stage which results in an unhealthy approach to life in the future.

In addition, each psychosocial stage has a focus or a main question that must be addressed. When answered appropriately, the person moves into the next phase of life. If the question is ignored, not answered, or answered inappropriately, again the person may become stuck resulting in limited ability to move forward through life.

Erikson's eight stages are as follows:

1. Infancy Birth 1 1/2
2. Early Childhood 1 1/2-3
3. Play Age 3-6
4. School Age 7-12
5. Adolescence 13-20
6. Young Adulthood 20-45
7. Adulthood 45-65
8. Old age 65-death

Since we are concerned with finding a good man, let me address the final four stages more specifically.

During Adolescence the crisis is, role confusion versus identity. In other words, a boy is trying to figure out who he is. You may notice grown men still acting like teenagers? This is a result of staying stuck in this stage of life. Not really being able to find or identify himself, he may indulge in all sorts of attention getting behaviors or even unhealthy behavior as he tries to figure out who he is.

During Young adulthood, a man is learning how to make a commitment to another as a spouse, partner, or parent. During this time he faces a crisis of, intimacy versus isolation. For those who manage this crisis they are able to have a healthy relationship, commit to one person, and have an emotionally intimate partnership. For those stuck in this stage, they seem unable to make a commitment, they may hold onto their childhood life, they may not feel ready to be in a relationship or marriage.

Adulthood moves one into a phase of life where they find value and joy in being productive. The crisis is one of "generativity or stagnation", meaning that if a man doesn't find value in his life through family, career, and community he will be left with an empty feeling of stagnation, which may lead to depression.

Finally, Old Age (many psychologists have moved this stage to a much later time in life), is the time when adults review their lives and either feel a sense of accomplishment and enjoy a life lived with integrity, or if they are unable to manage this, they feel despair for a live not lived well.

The stages of life may not be like an arrow, direct and clear but may be more circular in nature, meaning we adapt and adjust as we grow and mature. However, generally, it is felt by most therapists that the idea of moving through life appropriately and healthfully means we expand, move forward, adapt to each new stage of life with dignity and grace.

Grown men who remain stuck in Adolescence are not ready to make a commitment or have a healthy relationship. Similarly a fifty year old man who still doesn't know how to create a productive life may be unable to be an emotionally mature partner to a fifty year old woman.

While we all learn and grow at different rates, noticing the big red flags that wave as we see men getting stuck in a psychosocial developmental stage may help a woman realistically come to terms with what is possible in a relationship with a particular man.

A man who has gone through the developmental stages appropriately brings a maturity and emotional health not seen in those who are unable to master the particular challenges of life stages.

*Yes, psychosocial developmental stages apply to women too!

Also note, the ages presented are recent adaptations to Erikson's original theory given humans live longer today.

Online Addictions

2007-10-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

Each year the number of online addictions is increasing... like a breakless train picking up speed it is getting out of control.

While the statistics are difficult to gather, most of those attuned to this phenomenon are finding the online addiction phenomenon beyond anything imagined even a few short years ago.

We see online porn addictions, game addictions, and gambling addictions destroying the lives of individuals, marriages, and families. Men losing their jobs, losing their health, losing their loved ones for the hope of money, the use of a female image, or the thrill of a win.

What was once considered in some societies as illegal, immoral, or inappropriate behavior, is now becomming run of the mill, accepted, and even celebrated behavior in some circles. What was once a fun pass time for some has turned into an unrelenting obsession. And we are just beginning to understand the magnitude of online addictions.

While there may be some controversy regarding the actual numbers, no one will argue there is an increasingly serious problem with online addictions.

So, what do you do if your partner is addicted to online entertainment?

You most likely already know talking won't help. You probably also know that nagging, begging, pleading, praying and hoping won't help either. What will help is professional therapy by one familiar with addictions, specifically online addictions.

Of course many men are not going to jump at the chance to go to counseling, and few will even admit they have a problem, until their lives are seriously adversely affected, maybe nearly destroyed.

You can't change another person, what you can change is yourself. If you are not in a committed relationship, you may rethink or reevaluate the chances of having a healthy, mature, intimate relationship with a man addicted to online activities.

If you are married or engaged in a committed, long term relationship and want to continue on in the relationship in spite of the addiction, you may need some support and help to manage, knowing that a life with an addicted person is not going to be the same as life with a non-addicted person.

There are wonderful support groups for spouses of addicts. They can be extremely valuable in helping you come to grips with your situation as you explore options and possibilities.

First, you must protect yourself. For example, it is not unusual for men to lose all their money and go into heavy dept due to online gambling addictions. If you are depending on family money shared by your partner, you may need to make arrangements to refrain from losing your home, your possessions, and your security.

Secondly, if your partner is spending hours on end online, neglecting family, work, duties, and responsibilities, do not allow yourself to enable his inappropriate behavior. While this is not easy because we love our spouses and want to be supportive, making excuses, picking up the slack, accomodating the addiction is not helpful and may in fact increase the addictive behavior.

Finally, realize that addictions tend to get worse before they get better. If your addicted spouse is in denial of his addiction or if he refuses to get help, you will need to adjust yourself to your current situation. Assume this is how life will be, accept it, and consider and explore what you can do to remain healthy, happy, and safe.

Online addiction is becoming increasingly problematic. If you are involved with a guy addicted to online activities, take a step back and consciously decide how to proceed. Make a plan, set some boundaries, and protect yourself!

A great resource for online addictions is The Center for Internet Addiction Recovery! The site offers several simple tests to determine if there is an online addiction as well as several interesting articles!

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

2007-10-24T17:01:00.000-07:00

We all know abusive relationships are not healthy.

What is less obvious is when a relationship is abusive!

It is a strange phenomenon but many women, while they know deep inside the relationship is unhealthy or abusive, deny their situation or minimize the problems.

It may take stepping away and asking the tough questions to allow the reality of your situation to be clear and conscious.

The following are signs that may be indicators that your partner may be abusive!

1. Does he threaten you or your children, or use your children as a threat?

2. Does he slam doors, punch walls, or throw objects when he is angry?

3. Does he control the money and make you account for all spending?

4. Does he falsely accuse you of affairs?

5. Does he destroy your personal items or objects that are important to you?

6. Does he constantly keep track of your whereabouts?

7. Does he limit or control your associations and friendships?

8. Does he force you to have sex?

9. Does he tell you what to where, how to act, or what to do?

10. Does he humiliate you, hurtfully tease you, or constantly condemn you?

11. Does he continually blame you for his problems and shortcomings?

12. Does he want to control your every move and get angry if you do not abide by his wishes?

13. Does he check your phone and email, or follow you to check up on what you are doing?

14. Does he sometimes seem like, "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," in other words, sometimes wonderful with a dark and cruel side?

15. Does he seem to view you as a possession, available for his pleasure?

16. Does he limit your career or educational pursuits?

17. Does he hit, push, kick, or physically hurt you in some way?

18. Does he leave bruises when he grabs you?

19. Does he believe the wife should submit to her husband?

20. Does he check to see to whom you are talking on the phone?

If after answering yes to many of the previous questions, and if you feel you need some help, please call the abuse hot line

1-800-799-SAFE

or a resource in your area!

You Know He is Not in Love with You If.....

2007-10-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

You know he is not in love with you if...

He doesn't call when he says he will.

He doesn't return your calls.

He doesn't call.

You find yourself making up excuses for why he doesn't call.

He calls you only when he wants sex.

He doesn't show genuine concern and care.

His buddies take precedence.

He doesn't want others to know about your relationship.

He would rather play video games than be with you.

Your gut tells you he is not really in love with you.

You find yourself trying to deny feelings of being used.

You have a sense that you are one of many.

He lies to you about his whereabouts or behaviors.

He keeps making excuses for his uncaring actions.

He emotionally, mentally, or physically abuses you.

You feel you are a possession rather than a beloved.

You have to ask.

In sum, it is best to be honest with yourself and not try to pretend a guy is in love with you if you know in your gut he is not.

Stay Away from Married Men

2007-10-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

If you are single and thinking you are in love with a married man, let me assure you, you are not with a great man.

Don't fool yourself.

And, let's be clear... he is not with you because his wife is a horrible, uncaring person who doesn't understand him.

He is with you because he is not a great man!

If he were, he would invest the time he is spending with you on his family, get some counseling, do what he could to save the relationship, and after every possible hope disappeared, and he is still unable to have a healthy marriage, he would get a divorce BEFORE he started his affair with you!

And one more thing, you are not more interesting, attractive, or fabulous than his wife. While it may give you a little thrill to think you are so much better than his wife, and he is so much more in love with you than the women to whom he is married, he is not with you because you are so great. He is with you because he doesn't want to invest in his marriage, he likes the sexual variety, or just wants some diversion.

You are just a distraction, something different, someone to boost his ego and placate his wandering lust.

I know, I know... he tells you he loves you, that his wife is frumpy, dowdy, or not what she once was. Well, she probably has been taking care of children and trying to create a home while he is out with you having some extra sex on the side.

I know he says that he wants to be with you but he can't hurt the children, or it is not the right time, or he is just waiting until the divorce is final, or whatever.

The excuses are many and are routine, rote, and common. Nothing new, nothing original, and nothing true.

How many women had affairs with married men and ended up happily married to them? Hard to say. I've never met one. Maybe it has happened a few times over the expanse of human history but changes are virtually nil that it will happen to you.

Why not step back, be honest with yourself, reflect on what you are doing to a family, to children, and to another woman. And, why not take an honest look at yourself and see why it is you are letting yourself be used by a man who promised to love and cherish his wife.

Are you so desperate that you don't think you could find a good man? Do you really think this guy is going to all of a sudden become great once he leaves his wife and family? Do you feel good about yourself when you think about what you are doing to his innocent children? Can you release selfishness and find it in your heart to live in the highest good? Can you stop fooling yourself enough to realize that this is not the way to find a great man or start a healthy and happy relationship?

Does it feel good to be deceptive? To lie? To damage a family? Do you think this man who would betray his wife and children is really even remotely decent or has any sense of integrity or morality? Do you not care that he is not trustworthy, honest, respectful, or caring?

If you are single and with a married man, open your eyes, move on, and find a truly great man.

For more on this topic please read: How to tell if a guy is a Jerk - Tip 1 - Married Men

Image from Smithsonian Education

How High is Your Self Esteem?

2007-10-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

When it comes to women and relationships....one thing is very clear:

The higher the self esteem, the better choices a woman makes.

Why?

Because a woman with high self esteem feels she is worthy and deserving of a great man.

Conversely, a woman with poor self esteem feels she is unworthy and undeserving of a great man.

If a woman is constantly finding herself hooking up with less than great men, it may be beneficial to look at what is going on inside and how her self-esteem is playing out in relationships.

How high is your self esteem?

Here are ten questions to ask yourself that may help identify a poor self esteem issue that is impacting your choice of men.

1. Do you look to a man for validation?

2. Do you constantly have to have a relationship or a man in your life?

3. Do you find yourself trying to accommodating a man at your own risk?

4. Do you notice yourself often feeling inadequate and self conscious?

5. Do you give up your own wishes and values to please a man?

6. Do you feel you are never good enough?

7. Do you use alcohol, drugs, or sexual behavior to try to overcome feelings of rejection, isolation, or insecurity?

8. Do you notice in yourself, a continual need for approval, particular from men?

9. Do you lack confidence? Feel unsure of yourself? Feel you do not know yourself?

10.Do you find yourself catering to men, dressing to please men, centering your life around attracting men, needing the attention of men?

While most of us have days or times in our lives where we are unsure of ourselves or struggle with our self esteem, women who find themselves continually picking not-so-great men, may want to step back, heal some wounds, work on their individual self worth, and get healthy before they engage in a relationship.

Many women find that as they improve their self esteem, their choices in men greatly improve as well!

How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 48 - Trophy Wife Syndrome

2007-10-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

Guess what?

Great men are not interested in having a trophy wife!*

A trophy woman can be either one of those women who looks good for show but has little to offer in the way of an interesting, unique, and enjoyable personality, or she can be a fabulous woman but her partner doesn't care... he just wants a women who looks good!

Of course there are not-so-great men who are so superficial that their only concern is having an attractive woman who looks good hanging around with them, but great men want something beyond this.

When it comes to a partner, these not-so-great men who want a trophy woman, do not care about conversation, personality, relationship, intimacy, respect, or love. They want to look good to others, and they mistakenly think they are impressing other guys by having an attractive female around. This immature tactic to feel superior, of course is nonsense but still, the phenomenon remains.

Make no mistake about these sorts of men... they are not the kind of men who will be a good partner nor are they truly great men.

And, today, both men and women realize that the, "trophy wife syndrome" is all about a man's need for an ego boost, nothing more. Most people today can see through the nonsense and typically disrespect the immature need to use others to impress!

Relationships are not about trying to impress others. They are not about superficial appearances, nor are they about using another to boost a unhealthy ego.

A healthy relationship must be based on much more than appearance and show.

Truly great men want a partner who has more to offer than an attractive form. They want a partner who brings warmth and care and strength to the relationship. A woman with whom they can share a life. A woman who brings out the best in him, who has various attributes and characteristics he find meaningful... she may be funny, intriguing, kind, gentle, brilliant, exciting, dedicated, or have any number and combination of great qualities!

The specific traits are not important, what is important is that the man wants more than a trophy available to boost his ego by her attractiveness!

*Please note: I'm not in any way suggesting that being attractive in not important to some great men. I'm asserting that men who only care about their images, and who use women to boost their egos are not great men!

Respect Yourself!

2007-10-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

"That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong."

~William Boetcker

This quote isn't about some moral or religious dictate.

It is about doing what you know in your mind and feel in your heart, is wrong, in order to please another.... in this case, a guy.

Put another way, it is the suggestion to NOT live a lie trying to be what you think a guy wants.

Too often I hear of women trying to become what a man wants even if it means forsaking her ideals, living another's truth, or denying her very soul.

If you are inauthentic, if you are not true to what you know inside, you will never be happy.

Pretense, play acting, and succumbing to pressure so others will accept or embrace you is not the way to happiness!

Being honest with yourself, true to your heart, and living a healthy authentic life is the only way to a truly meaningful life!

Respect yourself!

Mask found at Dragonmaker Masks

Is he in Love, or is he in Lust?

2007-10-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

Each day I have dozens of questions from women wondering how to tell if a man is in love with them.

This can really be one of two questions.

Either they are asking if a man loves them and how to tell, or they are asking how to tell the difference between a man truly loving them versus a man just lusting for them.

Make no mistake, there is a difference.

Love does not equal lust. And, lust does not mean there is love.

Be clear on this point!

Now of course, there are men who love their partners and who have strong sexual desire for them. It is often the case that sexual desire strengthens as partners grow closer and deepen their love. But love and lust do not necessarily go together.... not at all.

Let me address the second question... how can you tell if a man is, "in love," with you or if he is, "in lust," for you?

First, obviously this is a very general response. Men have different personalities, different traits, different idiosyncrasies. I don't want to portray the idea that all men are the same. Having said this...

If you want to know if a man truly loves you or is just wanting you for his sexual pleasure, start by asking yourself the following questions:

1. Do you feel you are a priority in his life?
2. Do you feel a sense of care and compassion from your partner?
3. Do you feel your partner notices and appreciates the great things about you?
4. Do you enjoy a variety of non-sexual activities together?
5. Do you ever feel used or that sex is a duty?
6. Do you find yourself worried that if you are your true self, he may leave?
7. Do you find yourself living inauthentically to please him?
8. Do you ever wonder why you are with him because he doesn't treat you well?
9. Does he support you and encourage your dreams?
10. Do you feel he truly knows you and respects your true self?

As you read through the list of questions you may find yourself feeling uncomfortable... perhaps there is a little knot in your stomach as you realize that there is not much love in the relationship.

Contrariwise, you may have a sense that indeed there is more to the relationship than just sex and feel a sense of confidence that your partner does indeed love you.

Either way, if you are wondering and/or unclear if a man loves you, why not have a discussion? In a healthy relationship, mature adults who love each other can discuss the challenges they encounter and insecurities they feel.

If you are feeling that your relationship is based on lust with little true love, somewhere inside you, you most likely know.

Often, women do not want to admit that the relationship is not healthy or that a man to whom they are devoted, does not love them in return. But somewhere deep inside they know the truth.

Now, in a marriage or committed relationship, when a couple grows apart and is struggling but wants to remain together, the spark can certainly be kindled. My site, The Art of Intimacy is directed toward this situation.

However, if the relationship is one where there is no commitment or feelings of permanency; if there is no sense of desiring or working toward a long term relationship, the feelings may require some acceptance.

Explore the dynamics of your relationship. Notice how you are treated. Listen to your gut.

If the man you love does not love you, denying it will not make him love you. Trying to change him will result in disrespect, resentment, and irritation. Trying to make him love you will only create feelings of anger and pity toward you.

In sum, how do you know if a man is in love with you or just lusting for you?

You have discussions with your partner and you listen to what you know is true.

For additional thoughts and insights on this topic, please see the list of frequently asked questions in the right sidebar!

How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 47 - Guys who think Jerks are Great

2007-10-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I hear of a guy who idolizes Jerks.

I have to wonder about this sort of man.

These guys think it is somehow cool to collect DUIs, lie to their girl friends about other women, take advantage of their boss, and otherwise engage in behavior that most of society thinks is less than decent.

While many men who are behaving without honor or any sense of morality or civilty at least acknowledge they are inappropriate, there are those guys who cheer on the misdeeds, and applaud, even idolize the not-so-great men of the world. They think breaking the law, harming others for a laugh, or bullying is somehow a great thing!

This sort of idolization and celebration is a BIG clue that the guy is not a great man.

Take note!

Guys who cheer on other men who are Jerks, are not great men and will not make for a great husband or significant other!

There are great men who speak out about indecent, cruel, crass and crude behavior. Men who speak out against abuse. Men who reject the disgusting behavior of other not-so-great men. Men who do not want these less than great men representing what it means to be a real man!

These are the great men!

And if you are a great woman, you deserve one of these fabulous guys!

Falling in Love with Potential

2007-10-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

If you are falling in love with the potential in a man you may be in for a difficult relationship!

Too often, women think that a man they are dating, may become a great guy at some point in the future! They realize that he has some serious issues but have the idea that once they are married these problematic areas will disappear and the guy will become the man of their dreams!

As soon as they are really together he will stop drinking, forgo gambling, or refrain from abuse.

No, no, and no!

Of course none of us is perfect. We all have our idiosyncrasies, our challenges, and our shadow... absolutely! Even fabulous and truly great men make mistakes and have their, "flaws."

When entering a relationship, it is important to realize this and accept the man as he is, not as you hope him to become.

I'm going to repeat this....

If you are hoping that a man will change, falling in love with his "potential," and/or thinking he is someday going to magically be recreated as you wish once you are married, you are going to have a rude awakening.

Few men want to be with someone who is constantly trying to change them. This sort of dynamic in a relationship tends to create frustration and disharmony at best, anger and resentment at worst!

In addition, you will be frustrated when the man you had hoped to be with, doesn't actually materialize!

Now, if you enter in a relationship, well aware of the issues and without the expectation of change, you are realistic and know what you are getting into. Awareness of issues, and acceptance of them, allows you to make decisions, learn to manage the difficulties, and find ways to work through the various challenges.

What is important as you contemplate a long term relationship is to not have the expectation of change, but to fall in love with the real man... the good and the bad, NOT what you think is his potential.

In other words, if you do not love him as he is, best find a man who is more in line with your particular needs and wishes.

Falling in love with an imaginary man, and pretending he is your partner, does not make for a great relationship!

Thank you to my friend Grace, author of The Wild Pomegranate for the topic of this post!

Behaving Without a Brain

2007-10-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the minute a woman "falls in love," her brain stops working?

Seems that a horrible, abusive, cruel, and otherwise not-so-great guy becomes fabulous the second a woman "falls in love."

Regardless of how she is treated, regardless of how he responds to her, regardless of what he does, so long as a woman is "in love," none of it seems to matter?

What is going on?

In his brilliant book, Deep Survival, author Laurence Gonzales describes what happens to the brain when "love" takes over.... "Emotion takes over from the thinking part of the brain the neocortex, to effect an instinctive set of response necessary for survival, in this case reproduction." He continues discussing the brain and how it alters during times of fear similarly to times of a person experiencing intense attraction, "Even as the hormones produced under stress disrupt perception, thinking, and the formation and retrieval of memories, they set a potentially dangerous trap by exciting the amygdala."

He continues discussing how when the emotions take over, you are propelled to behaviors that may not be in your conscious control as a primitive part of the brain takes over.

Renown anthropologist Helen Fisher, in her extraordinary work on evolution and love, has demonstrated through brain mapping, how various parts of the brain seem to take over control of the body by producing neurochemicals. She describes the process not as emotions taking over but the brain creating a motivational system to move humans toward procreation.

Neurotransmitters like norepinephrine and dopamine are powerful, addictive, and persuasive chemicals that flood our brains telling us act in ways that may have been necessary for mating and survival a few million years ago, but today they may not have our best interest in mind.

The feeling of being passionately romantically in love, elicits emotions such as euphoria, anger, and frustration, and everything in between. And the result is a person virtually out of control with a near magnetic like attraction. People become unreasonable, irrational, and completely out of their minds.

And with this primitive process and dynamic comes irrational and often near stalking-like behavior, that to the person "in love" seems perfectly fine and normal.

While this may be a fabulous state in which to temporarily reside, the truth is that one must be very careful. This state can be dangerous! Those feelings take away one's ability to think rationally and may end up causing a lot of pain due to extremely poor decision making.

To manage the intensity of the state of romantic love, it is best to first, know the person with whom you are falling in love. Make sure that before you allow yourself to get attached, you are clear the guy is someone worth attaching to. Prior to letting your brain and body fill with those wild chemicals, make absolutely sure you are ready to enter that state.

Be clear. Be honest with yourself. Be safe!

Image by Digital Expressionism

Bloggers Against Abuse

2007-09-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

As a mental health therapist, specializing in issues of abuse, much of my work has been with survivors of abuse including sexual assault and domestic violence. In addition, I have worked with many, many abusive men, and children from abusive homes.

Today, as many bloggers share their thoughts on abuse I want to add my voice!

There is no excuse for abuse. None!

We live in a world that, for much of history has largely dismissed and ignored abuse, justifying and rationalizing it away.

We must no longer pretend abuse doesn't happen, and we can no longer sit idly by while children, women, and even men are abused.

If you are in an abusive relationship... you know it. Even if you are denying it and finding excuses for the abuse, listen to your heart and remember that no human being deserves to be abused. No one. There is no excuse.

Abuse will escalate...

Please get help. You can call the abuse hot line and find a local shelter or counselor who can help you be safe!

1-800-799-SAFE

If you are an abusive partner, or are abusing children, you also know it.

You may not want to admit it but you know, inside that you are abusive. You may justify it, deny it, claim that it will never happen again, promise everyone, even yourself you are done, but you know inside that it will continue.

You need to get help. Get into a good program to help you learn how to manage your anger, understand what it means to have a healthy relationship, and how to treat your partner respectfully and appropriately.

If you are a parent abusing children, or a parent whose spouse abuses children, GET HELP!

PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!

It is time for abuse to stop!

1-800-799-SAFE

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Breaking up is Hard to do... Ten ways to work through a break up

2007-09-24T08:13:00.001-07:00

Breaking Up Part II - Ten ways to work through a break up.

Breaking up is one of the most painful experiences of the human. It often feels like one's heart is broken and will never heal.

While ending a relationship requires one go through the normal stages of grieving including, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance, there are some techniques that can help one work through the aftermath of a break up.

Following are ten ideas that may help during this difficult time. More than anything though, know that life will get better, the pain will end, and you will find happiness again.

1. Stop all communication, interaction, discussion, emails, phone calls, and texts. And, while your are at it, get rid of all gifts, mementos, artifacts, and pictures. Delete his address, photos, and various online accounts from your life. This may seem difficult but it is one of the best ways to move on. So long as you keep the wound open, it will hurt. The sooner you allow the scab to form, which you do by leaving it alone, the better.

2. Take care of yourself. This is a time where you need to do everything you can to stay healthy. While breaking up can lead to depression that often makes us tired, lethargic, and depleted, sometimes even eating enormous amounts of junk food, sleeping too long, staying up too late, this is a time to make sure you are doing all you can to nourish yourself. Eat nutritiously, sleep sufficiently. Do not use drugs or alcohol to repress the pain. It will only make it worse in the long run.

3. Allow yourself to cry. We tend to think crying is inappropriate or uncomfortable, and we certainly try to avoid it but crying is a release. It releases chemicals and emotions from our bodies so let your self cry. Again, ignoring, repressing, denying the pain is not helpful and can make it worse in the long run. You want to release the pain not cover it up or hold it in.

4. Keep moving. You want to make sure you are getting as many endorphins, the good feeling neurochemicals into your brain as possible. Walk, work out, take a Pilate's class, run, or do whatever you can to keep your body moving.

5. Get the feelings out. Most women find a need to express their sorrow and hurt. Many find talking with friends, journaling, or even blogging about the pain helps. There is on one way, so find whatever helps you get the emotions out and let them go.

6. Meditation, prayer, and pondering. People often find comfort in their spiritual traditions, beliefs or religious faith. For some meditation helps, for others just pondering is the best way to process the pain. Whatever you have found that gives you comfort is an important practice in which to engage.

7. Keep busy. While when in pain, we often want to stop everything and hide from the world, it often helps to remained engaged in life. Take the time you need to manage and process the pain but remain involved in life. Shutting yourself off from the world tends to make things worse. Do the things you typically enjoy, dance, paint, art, read, take a class, or go on a trip, not to run away but to stay engaged.

8. Surround yourself with love. This can be friends, family, loved ones, pets, or whomever you find that nourishes, supports, and comforts you. Often women take a break up personally, and start second guessing themselves, feeling unworthy, and insecure. By being close to loved ones you are surrounded by those who will assure you that you are wonderful! Reach out to those who can help. Allow others to be there for you.

9. Give yourself time. When we are physically hurt, our bodies require time to heal. So too with emotional pain. Emotions are neurochemicals floating around in our bodies and brains, and when we are hurt emotionally we are flooded with these chemicals that cause pain... and it hurts badly. It takes time to release them and to rebalance our bodies. Give yourself time, knowing your body and mind are brilliant and will take care of you as you process the pain.

10. There is life after this relationship. While in the midst of the pain of a break up, it often feels like life is over and there will never be a good day ahead but the truth is, you will get over this and you will find happiness again. Hold onto the hope even if it does not feel like the pain will ever end. Remind yourself that you have been through difficult times before and you will get through this as well.

Creating a list makes it seems like getting through a break up is easy. No... for many it is an extremely difficult time full of pain and sorrow. It is a time of grieving, hurt feelings, emptiness, and loneliness.

But the pain will end.

Give yourself time; be patient with the process; take care of yourself.

You will survive and life will get better.

When the sun sets, it always rises again!

Beautiful water color by Kathy Canfield Shepard.

Breaking up Over the Phone

2007-09-23T12:44:00.001-07:00

The pain of breaking up is horrible. No doubt about it... that is if you are not the one ending the relationship.

When you suddenly find yourself at the receiving end of a discussion that is ending the relationship the pain is often unbearable, particularly when you thought the guy you loved, loved you.

Over and over I hear of women getting a phone call or an email telling them the relationship is over. Yes, you read that right... guys calling their girlfriends, and breaking up over the phone or on the computer.

This is highly disrespectful and completely rude behavior. It may be true that some guys are uncomfortable and don't want any drama, tears, or discussion but that does not justify the completely cruel behavior of breaking up over the phone.

Mature guys with a sense of decency, if they feel the relationship must end, have the common courtesy to have a conversation, in person, and with compassion.

So, if a guy breaks up with you over the phone, gets his friend to tell you he is no longer interested, or otherwise sends you a note, you can be assured that he is not ready for a mature relationship to begin with.

Of course, this knowledge doesn't help with the pain, but rest assured you deserve someone better. You deserve a man who has the decency and the guts to be a man; who can face an uncomfortable situation with honor and respect.

You deserve a guy who treats women as a human being worthy of care and concern.

It Takes Courage - Pablo Casals Quote on Decency and Goodness

2007-09-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

"Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most. It is not complicated but it takes courage. it takes courage for a person to listen to his own good."

~Pablo Casals

Photo of Pablo Casals

How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 46 - Fanatical Football Fans

2007-09-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

There are fans and then there are fanatical fans*.

Regular fans are fine. Fanatical fans are, well fanatical!

Going to football games is a common and enjoyable part of Autumn for many Americans. We like our teams, our colleges, our football games.

Then there are those whose very lives center around football. Those who think life ends if their team loses, whose relationships come second to "their" team; guys who are so absorbed with their team that they can hardly function in real life.

These types of guys may be a lot of fun at the game (if you don't mind beer spilling all over you and the screaming and yelling that comes along with the craziness), but there is something a little amiss when one's identity is wrapped up in a sporting event, or more specifically, "their" team.

So, how can you tell if a guy is a fanatical football fan or a regular fan?

Here are ten easy ways to identify a fanatical football fan:

1. On game day, his body or face are painted in the colors of "his" team.

2. His car, clothing, and most other accessories are in "his" team's colors. At least one room in his house is often painted with "his" team's colors.

3. He has hanging in his office or home, a poster of "his" team's schedule, so he can schedule birthdays and other family celebrations around the games.

4. His social events are centered on "his" team's games, and are limited to, tailgate parties, hanging out at the local sports bar, and getting ready for the next big game.

5. He has given up relationships, jobs, opportunities, and travel to watch a game, and considers the football season the highlight of his life.

6. He knows the height and weight along with all sorts of personal information of each player on "his" team.

7. He has attended at least one "fantasy football," camp.

8. He knows more, and spends more time talking and thinking about "his" football team than about his family, work, current events, or world news.

9. He has called in sick at least once due to "his" team losing a game.

10. He has more than one flat screen TV so he can watch the game as he moves throughout the house to get more snacks for the game.

Now, we can expect some of the above behavior in teenagers, or young college students but if you want a mature man and a healthy relationship, find a guy who has grown up.

Be alert to those fanatical fans who will always put you at the bottom of the list, at the end of "his" team's football roster!

*Just to be clear... I am not talking about the normal, great men who enjoy football... this post is about FANATICAL fans only!

How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 45 - License Plates

2007-09-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today, while out and about I noticed a car with an unusual license plate...

Yep... Gifted I am!

The first thought that came to me was, any guy who is driving a car with a license plate claiming how gifted he is most certainly NOT gifted in, at least, the usual sense.

He may be gifted in his ability to bloviate and brag, but my guess is that his unusual sense of conceit, arrogance, and egotism, and his need to share his amazing self with the world, may place him in the catagory of a not-so-great guy!

Other license plates to watch out for:

Just keep your eye out!