I frequently get emails and comments from women wondering if they should break up, and how to know when a relationship is not working.
Of course there is no one-size-fits all answer, and each relationship is different but here are five guidelines that may help.
Five guidelines to help you know when to break up:
1. If you are in an abusive relationship you are going to continually be hurt emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually or all of the above. Typically the abuse will escalate and increase so holding onto the idea that the relationship will improve is just prolonging the pain. It is not always easy to leave an abusive relationship so I encourage women in this situation to get help and do everything you can to be safe. Leaving a relationship can be a dangerous time so please get help to protect yourself. You will know when you have had enough. I hope this awareness comes sooner rather than later.
2. Men (and women) are not perfect and we are all on a journey of learning and growing so the expectation in a relationship should not be one of a perfect, mistake free partner. On the other hand, it is important to have boundaries and to establish in your own mind what is or is not acceptable. The problems often come when a woman doesn't abide by her personal standards, allows a man to treat her inappropriately or disrespectfully, even cruelly. It may be a good idea to take some alone time and contemplate what is really not tolerable for you.
3. Is your relationship out of balance? Do you feel you are giving and giving and getting little in return? Sometimes women keep trying to keep an unhealthy relationship alive when in fact a man is taking advantage of their hopes. Some women feel they must work harder and harder to be loved but the result is being more and more disrespected. So, ask yourself, is the relationship balanced? Are your concerns, needs, and desires of equal importance to your partner?
4. Do you feel you are giving up yourself to remain in the relationship? If you feel your relationship is drawing out the life in you, if you feel your energy is being sucked out of you, most likely the relationship is not one worth keeping. A partner should be one who brings out the best in you, who supports and cares for you, who give you kindness and brightens your life, not one who seems to weigh you down thwarting your very life.
5. Finally, listen to your gut. I know I repeat this over and over but it is important. You know deep down inside if a relationship is not healthy, if it is harmful to you, if it is hurting your soul and spirit. LISTEN. Notice those nagging feelings, acknowledge those whispers that come to you. There is no reason to remain in a relationship that is harmful to you. You do not need to come up with excuses to remain and you do not need to pretend the relationship is something other than it is. LISTEN to what you know.
My wish is to keep women safe and to support them as they move away from relationships that are harmful and unhealthy.
You do not have to remain in an unhealthy relationship nor do you have to have a man to be whole. In fact, being in a hurtful relationship doesn't help you in any way but actually damages your self esteem and self worth!
If you are with a great guy who treats you well, then working on a relationship is a good idea however, if you are with a not-so-great guy who treats you poorly, it may be time to rethink the relationship!
Of course there is no one-size-fits all answer, and each relationship is different but here are five guidelines that may help.
Five guidelines to help you know when to break up:
1. If you are in an abusive relationship you are going to continually be hurt emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually or all of the above. Typically the abuse will escalate and increase so holding onto the idea that the relationship will improve is just prolonging the pain. It is not always easy to leave an abusive relationship so I encourage women in this situation to get help and do everything you can to be safe. Leaving a relationship can be a dangerous time so please get help to protect yourself. You will know when you have had enough. I hope this awareness comes sooner rather than later.
2. Men (and women) are not perfect and we are all on a journey of learning and growing so the expectation in a relationship should not be one of a perfect, mistake free partner. On the other hand, it is important to have boundaries and to establish in your own mind what is or is not acceptable. The problems often come when a woman doesn't abide by her personal standards, allows a man to treat her inappropriately or disrespectfully, even cruelly. It may be a good idea to take some alone time and contemplate what is really not tolerable for you.
3. Is your relationship out of balance? Do you feel you are giving and giving and getting little in return? Sometimes women keep trying to keep an unhealthy relationship alive when in fact a man is taking advantage of their hopes. Some women feel they must work harder and harder to be loved but the result is being more and more disrespected. So, ask yourself, is the relationship balanced? Are your concerns, needs, and desires of equal importance to your partner?
4. Do you feel you are giving up yourself to remain in the relationship? If you feel your relationship is drawing out the life in you, if you feel your energy is being sucked out of you, most likely the relationship is not one worth keeping. A partner should be one who brings out the best in you, who supports and cares for you, who give you kindness and brightens your life, not one who seems to weigh you down thwarting your very life.
5. Finally, listen to your gut. I know I repeat this over and over but it is important. You know deep down inside if a relationship is not healthy, if it is harmful to you, if it is hurting your soul and spirit. LISTEN. Notice those nagging feelings, acknowledge those whispers that come to you. There is no reason to remain in a relationship that is harmful to you. You do not need to come up with excuses to remain and you do not need to pretend the relationship is something other than it is. LISTEN to what you know.
My wish is to keep women safe and to support them as they move away from relationships that are harmful and unhealthy.
You do not have to remain in an unhealthy relationship nor do you have to have a man to be whole. In fact, being in a hurtful relationship doesn't help you in any way but actually damages your self esteem and self worth!
If you are with a great guy who treats you well, then working on a relationship is a good idea however, if you are with a not-so-great guy who treats you poorly, it may be time to rethink the relationship!
8 thoughts and insights:
Nice article.
One thing I believe should be added is, if you are not right with yourself, if you have not made peace with yourself, if you do not love yourself, you should neither enter into, or stay in a relationship. You are only hurting you both.
hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....
It's interesting that your advice seems to be primarily for women. What if you're a man who has made his wife his priority for the past 18 years but the only time she makes him a priority is when he says he is going to leave. He says he's going to leave because he can't stand being ignored combined with the fighting / yelling. What if 18 years ago he was soft-hearted and would never yell at someone he loved (except once at his sister when they were both really angry) - but now he feels hard and callous. I expect what people around me notice is that I can be unfeeling towards her. Turning off my compassion makes manipulation harder. Why is it although I encouraged her to go out and see her friends and when she wasn't working and was home with the kids there'd be days when he'd some home expecting her and instead got an empty house she has never once said, ”honey, you need to go out and be with your friends. Don't worry about us.“ I started only going out with friends about 4-6 times a year because she always needed me home - she didn't ever want to be left alone with the kids. I changed their diapers, I let her sleep in and woke early with the kids. She did many things too - it's just that I wasn't 'the typical man' whoever that is, and yet...it's been a drag. And we had counselling - and things changed while we did - but she always hated it because, 'they never understood her and she always got blamed' and the counslling always stopped - I didn't want to go alone. Now she wants counselling and I don't - not really. I'd like to leave.
It's hard to read blogs like this and not feel angry at the unfairness of it. It's not only women who get used. It was only when I realized I had stopped liking myself (bitter, angry) that I decided I had to leave. That was a year ago and I'm still here. My three boys keep me here but I don't know for how long.
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for your comments, I truly apprectiate them.
I'm not exactly sure why this post came across to you as primarily for women. My intent was to have it apply for both men and women.
You are absolutely correct that relationships are as difficult for men as women.
I do tend to blog about specific questions I get from readers but make an effort to address a variety of points and perspectives. Still, thank you for the reminder to make sure my thoughts cover concerns from all angles. :-)
I'm sorry your marriage has become so difficult. I know it is not easy to remain in an unhealthy relationship and it is not easy to leave.
I'm a fan of couples counseling and doing everything possible to make the marriage vibrant and fabulous, but I also know there comes a time when all possible solutions have been exhausted.
It takes two people really invested and willing to do the work to heal a marriage; when one partner is not committed to the relationship enough to make some changes it may not heal.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace,
Warmest wishes,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer, great posts!
I couldn't find a contact info so I had no choice but to write here.
I'd be interested in talking to you more about blogging for my dating advice site.
You can blog 2x a week or so, and there will be remuneration. If you'd be open to talking more email me:
rhen.k1@gmail.com
Well what if the man is a good man, but it seems that he has so many flaws. Right now I will be graduating college soon and have been with my fiance for three years. The only down fall is that he cannot finish anything that he starts. At the beginning of this relationship he did not have a job and he stayed with me and did not pay bills, I then had to bail him out of jail for something petter, although it cost ,me alot of money. The thing was that he was to pay me back, along with the damage that he caused to my car within five months. It has been 2 1/2 years and nothing. I am a nursing student and it is not easy, I had to work two jobs and my full time school this summer just to make my tuition and the half of the bills. He has told me that he will begin school and has begun then dropped out. For the second time he finished and then left, then finally decided to go back and couldnt because he did not pay his tuition the last time and holds a debt with them. He has a bad history of debt and reposessions and I fear that although he is a lovely and caring man he is not up to my standards. He constantly plays video games, goes to races and watches sports to the point where I am only there to make him dinner set it next to him and go back to my sechool work and begin the same thing the next day. I have ambitions to go travel or the military as a nurse and feel that he wants to settle down when he is not even ready to have a child. I am lost my heart is torn. Its like I know what I need to do but feel like its throwing away three years of my life.
How do you end an emotionally abusive relationship when each time you try, the other person breaks down and threatens to kill themselves? Every time he reminds me of what I've done to him, and how screwed up his family is and how he's a result of his upbringing and I don't know what to do. I've attempted suicide multiple times because of this relationship and its obviously unhealthy for the both of us. I am not even a hundredth of the person I used to be. But then, because of mistakes that I've made, neither is he, according to him. It seems like such a futile battle but I can't get it through his head! It's been almost a year and two months of me as a changed person, am I right in what I'm seeing, or am I giving up too easily?
Love your tips! "Are your concerns, needs, and desires of equal importance to your partner?" - this is a very important question when you get into a relationship. Do you know what you value in you life? Have you thought about the things that make you motivated? Once you've established the things that you value, then it'll be easier for you to get into a relationship because you know what you want. You don't compromise your values. You stay true to yourself.
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