This post is not about morality, religion, or judgments. It is about reality and practicality and women getting hurt.
This post is to address the many, many emails I get from women who sleep with a guy thinking they are going to have a relationship only to find they get pregnant, an incurable disease or are left brokenhearted. If you do not fall into this catagory then this post is not for you!
OK, with that out of the way let me tell you why I am not a fan of casual sex and why you should stop sleeping with every guy who looks your way or tells you you are wonderful.
First, it is dangerous. You know this. You hear it all the time. Safe sex is taught in schools and this message is nothing new, still, we know millions of girls and women are not getting the message.
These days, unsafe sex with a stranger is not about a 15 minute moment of pleasure it is about all the consequences that go along with it. Too many girls and woman are still getting incurable STDs. Too many girls and women are still getting pregnant without intent. Too many girls are getting stuck with all the ramifications that go along with having sex with a guy (or guys) who are not honest, who do not care about them, and are completely unconcerned about any STD they pass on.
I'm asking for every woman who reads this to take a vow that she will not have sex unless she is 100% sure is safe. (This means knowing, not trusting a stranger but truly knowing his sexual history, and being completely sure it is safe to engage in sex; it means making sure you will not get pregnant).
Right now... promise yourself. Do it out loud or let me know in a comment, just do it. No unsafe sex... EVER!
Secondly, you need to protect your heart. One of the most common scenarios I hear from women is this: She meets a man and falls head over heals in love with him, they have a beautiful night of sex then he never calls again. She is devastate and broken hearted. You know this story right? (Again, if this is not you disregard this post).
See, women need to know that while they may want a relationship and think they are beginning one, these guys who just leave them are wanting sex. Two very different things. Let me repeat this. Wanting a relationship and wanting sex may be two different things. Of course they can be interrelated but they may not. If you are continually getting hurt, it may be that you are connecting the two, when they are separate things.
What happens is this, when some women have sex, all sorts of bonding chemicals flood her brain and she becomes "attached" to the guy. Now, this is a good thing for committed couples but for a woman with a man who is not interested in her, not so good. Why? Because some some guys are not feeling the same thing. They are not having any sort of attachment chemicals fill their brains, do not want a relationship, and do not care one bit if they never see you again.
But, these types of guys can walk away and never look back, while the woman is left devastated.*
(Of course there are women who do not care about the guy they are sleeping with and of course there are men who do care about women they just want for a one night encounter but we are talking about a specific scenario).
Too many women engage in sex thinking they are going to have a great new relationship and the guy will be happy with them for giving them a nice sexual experience, but are left with a broken heart, a serious STD, and an unwanted pregancy.
OK, did you promise yourself you will never have unsafe sex?
Do it!
This post is to address the many, many emails I get from women who sleep with a guy thinking they are going to have a relationship only to find they get pregnant, an incurable disease or are left brokenhearted. If you do not fall into this catagory then this post is not for you!
OK, with that out of the way let me tell you why I am not a fan of casual sex and why you should stop sleeping with every guy who looks your way or tells you you are wonderful.
First, it is dangerous. You know this. You hear it all the time. Safe sex is taught in schools and this message is nothing new, still, we know millions of girls and women are not getting the message.
These days, unsafe sex with a stranger is not about a 15 minute moment of pleasure it is about all the consequences that go along with it. Too many girls and woman are still getting incurable STDs. Too many girls and women are still getting pregnant without intent. Too many girls are getting stuck with all the ramifications that go along with having sex with a guy (or guys) who are not honest, who do not care about them, and are completely unconcerned about any STD they pass on.
I'm asking for every woman who reads this to take a vow that she will not have sex unless she is 100% sure is safe. (This means knowing, not trusting a stranger but truly knowing his sexual history, and being completely sure it is safe to engage in sex; it means making sure you will not get pregnant).
Right now... promise yourself. Do it out loud or let me know in a comment, just do it. No unsafe sex... EVER!
Secondly, you need to protect your heart. One of the most common scenarios I hear from women is this: She meets a man and falls head over heals in love with him, they have a beautiful night of sex then he never calls again. She is devastate and broken hearted. You know this story right? (Again, if this is not you disregard this post).
See, women need to know that while they may want a relationship and think they are beginning one, these guys who just leave them are wanting sex. Two very different things. Let me repeat this. Wanting a relationship and wanting sex may be two different things. Of course they can be interrelated but they may not. If you are continually getting hurt, it may be that you are connecting the two, when they are separate things.
What happens is this, when some women have sex, all sorts of bonding chemicals flood her brain and she becomes "attached" to the guy. Now, this is a good thing for committed couples but for a woman with a man who is not interested in her, not so good. Why? Because some some guys are not feeling the same thing. They are not having any sort of attachment chemicals fill their brains, do not want a relationship, and do not care one bit if they never see you again.
But, these types of guys can walk away and never look back, while the woman is left devastated.*
(Of course there are women who do not care about the guy they are sleeping with and of course there are men who do care about women they just want for a one night encounter but we are talking about a specific scenario).
Too many women engage in sex thinking they are going to have a great new relationship and the guy will be happy with them for giving them a nice sexual experience, but are left with a broken heart, a serious STD, and an unwanted pregancy.
OK, did you promise yourself you will never have unsafe sex?
Do it!
*I'm not in any way suggesting all men fall into this catagory, I am specifically referring to those men who use women and are not interested in a relationship.
10 thoughts and insights:
So, women only have sex with men because they want relationships? Women never have casual sex because they want sex with no strings attached? Because in my early 20s, I, and many women I know, had casual sex with plenty of people. I always insisted on condom use and never wanted a relationship. Feelings were never hurt and I had a great time.
Normally, I think this is a great website and useful to women and girls of all ages, but this post is just reinforcing patriarchal, anti-feminist standards from the days of yore. Women enjoy sex. Women even enjoy casual sex. Not all women are out looking for a long-term commitment. It's important to figure out what you want - casual sex or a relationship or even something in-between. But to say "Why You Should Stop Sleeping Around" and assume that the scenario of a woman getting caught up with some man who was just using her for sex is prevalent are reinforcing outdated stereotypes.
"What happens is this, when a woman has sex, all sorts of bonding chemicals flood her brain and she becomes "attached" to the guy." Please, find me the research that supports this hypothesis because I would LOVE to know more. The fact is, plenty of women are having safe casual sex and enjoying it. Others are not because they want a long-term relationship which usually does not blossom from a booty call relationship. "Wanting a relationship and wanting sex are two different things," so you say, but maybe you could write a post about how more women can enjoy sex, not about how they should feel shame from having a few one-night stands.
Sorry, Lauren, but I disagree. Jennifer (this blogger) makes excellent points regarding the dangers pertaining to causal sex when it comes to WOMEN (notice this post was not dedicated to MEN).
We women are known for putting our hearts on the line when it comes to men and relationships. Jen is doing us a favour by sharing words of wisdom women everywhere should heed.
Quite frankly, I'm getting tired of advice the world gives us that women should see and BEHAVE like MEN when it comes to sex. Sorry, I'm not buying this.
Women are NOT MEN. We are DIFFERENT from men (biologically, emotionally, etc).
MEN DON'T GET PREGNANT, have the gut instincts women have in relation to children and relationships or put their hearts on the line in every relationship - unless it means something to them. They can EASILY walk away (without getting burned) from a sexual relationship they don't value.
All the more reason for why women ought to heed the warnings from wise men and women pertaining to causual sex and giving their bodies away to men too freely as they do now and days.
Time and again we read stories about women who are left heartbroken after a "night of passion" and "feeling good". Thats why we have books like "He's So Not That Into You" written for women because they can't tell the difference.
This tells me that the gloriciation society touts about "causal sex" is overrated (not as it seems). Society speaks for a miniority of women who enjoy just causual sex over a relationship. What about the MAJORITY OF WOMEN??
Causal sex, in my opinion, tends to work in men's favor about 79-90% of the time more so than women. Plus it saves men money instead of having go pay $$$ for sleep with prostitutes.
I have very few girlfriends of mine in college who would choose causal sex over a committed relationship (they tend to choose the later).
So Jennifer (blogger) here is spot on! Keep up the good work blogging for women everywhere :-D.
~~*From a 26-year old Canuck*~~
Hi Lauren,
Thank for writing and giving me a chance to clear up a few things. :-)
Oh dear, the last thing I want is for women to feel shame. I hope I didn't write anything to imply this. Of course I don't want women to feel shame. My attempt was to help women not feel the pain of unwanted pregnancies, incurable disease, and broken hearts. While there are women who are safe and careful, there are still a lot who are not.
Also, I hope I did not even remotely imply women didn't like sex. Hmmm in fact I think my post clearly showed women do. Again, my point was that many women and girls are having sex in hopes of a relationship not realizing it may not be what their partner is looking for.
I'm not suggesting for one minute ALL women get hurt, or ALL women are unsafe, of course not, but my most common emails are from women getting hurt by guys who just don't care for them. The scenario is common.
By all mean, if women are having safe causual sex and enjoying it go for it. This post was not intended for these women. It was intended for the many, many women who write to me who have UNsafe sex and are getting hurt. Maybe you don't know of any women in this catagory, great. But trust me when I tell you that there are many. I hear it often and repeatedly.
For some great research on this topic, I would invite you to read Helen Fisher's work. She is an anthropologist who is amazing and has done some extraordinary work on the topic. In fact, I may find a video that addresses this for you.
I'm going to reread my post and see if I can figure out if it implied women shoud feel shame, or if it implied some sort of sterotype, if so I will edit it, because that was certainly not my intention.
Again, I'm replying to the many, many women and girls, who are getting seriously hurt because they are not safe and not careful.
Thanks again Lauren, I appreciate your feedback,
Jennifer
Hi Alexis,
Thanks so much for your reply and insights.
I really appreciate it!
I hear on a fairly regular basis women who thought they found a great man only to have discovered they were used for a night of fun. Or women who had a one night stand and ended up with long term consequences. This doesn't so much happen to men, and this blog is written to women hence my post to women! :-)
I'm not wanting women to feel shame, just hoping women will be careful and take care of themselves.
If even one woman reads this and protects herself I will be happy!
Again, thanks so much for your ideas, I appreciate it!
Hugs,
Jennifer
I agree, although I have to admit that I did have plenty of casual sex.
I'm over it now and I think it was useless. But I guess it's the kinda mistakes you have to make to learn !
I brought a condom or two whenever I went out, whether or not I got laid. Special treatment (and condom material) for some guys "claim" to be allergic to latex.
Better be safe than sorry. Thanks for this post, sister!
Great blog! I totally agree with you. It is better to wait than to keep getting hurt along the way.
This is a cool blog. I'll keep this in mind.
Ohh thank You and thank you for this. I must admit I had the unfortunate argument with an ex that said many of the women he dated loved sex and were ok with casual sex. He tried to brand me " un sexual" or stated that they were more sexual than myself. I realized this was an attempt to make me feel awful for not having more than 14 partners by 30. I think this was also a tactic that I get from many men that we are sexual creatures and should go out there and have sex like they do. Once again this is the lie that allows stupid women to give up their bodies for free to be used and thrown aside. Can the majority of women even say they enjoyed it?
I was glad to read this blog and even enjoyed Alexis Sky's message. I feel we are not like men so to run around with condoms as if we don't know when we're going to drop our panties next, sounds retarded!
The reason men can now have sex for free and without making a commitment is because there are too many women that are out there trying to be like them. They have no idea how they are the ones being used and being laughed at.
Also wanted to add:
He could have easily gotten a pro and wondered about his sexual safety than to put yours in jeopardy. For every time you sleep with someone , you're actually sleeping with everyone they did. For most men they can't even count all the women, not to mention the ones that dabble in same sex fun that you may not know about.
Also if we even take time to look in the past when keeping your legs closed was normal, You can see that men got married younger and alot sooner. They knew that sex wasn't something that they could just get anywhere for free. They had to have a good education, or at least have a good job. They brought more to the table of a future than today's texting world of " hey what are you doing tonight".
Today because women have great careers , many are just settling for "friends with benefits" and not saying I still want a man to be a man.
So guys are telling women " hey it's your sexual revolution ladies" get out there and have sex because you want to . I learned in my early 20's while looking for a serious relationship that I couldn't find anyone who wanted to be serious. Not to mention how sexually selfish men were. I ended up saying wow this 2-3 mins is what the hype is all about? I even when through my numbers trying to find someone, but it was always the same. I ended up in a relationship and that's when I started to enjoy sexual activity. Now that I enjoy sex doesn't mean that I'm going to let any loser just come along and sample. That's the whole game. Also I came to realize the ones that talked about how great they were , were usually the worst. They either got off in less than a minute and did the whole roll over or they couldn't keep it up.
I realized it wasn't how a guy pushed to get in bed. I realized the guy that I was most attracted to was the ones that really wanted to get to know me. Don't be fooled ladies, I've met some great liars that know that in order to get a girl they need to be great listeners.
Also some guys are relationship guys. I know you already know who I'm talking about. The guys that get into relationships to go no where just so they can have sex on a regular basis. They may bring up marriage but some how that has been brought up in every relationship they've had yet they are still not married. It's not you it's them. They never plan to marry they just want someone they can sleep with regularly because they are considered "highly sexual". It's also cheaper for them as well. Think about a man with an appetite for sex 5 times a week. He would have to spend a lot of money on dates, gas, dry cleaning etc. Get a girlfriend and she'll save on cooking, dates, you can rent a movie for $3.00 and get laid a few times before you even have to go to work. With her busy work schedule she will not even have the time to notice that she's with a time waster.
I know I touched on a few subjects here. Hope this has been helpful since I'm glad I got to read this blog. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there waiting for a good guy and not just sleeping with random people under the whole bs "we're sexual equals" line.
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