Previously, I have posted thoughts on why dating a sex offender is not a good idea. It seems like this bit of advice is a matter of common sense but some women don't care if a guy has molested children or raped women.
Let me be clear... a guy is not a good prospect for a healthy relationship if he is a pedophile or if he (sexually or otherwise), abuses women.
There is no getting around this.
This is not a little piece of advice to discard.
Molesting children and raping women is not in the same category as a guy who forgets an anniversary or doesn't do his share of the dishes.
Forgiving him is not going to heal him.
Pretending he is a great man is not going to turn him into one.
Ignoring sexual perversion and anger is not going to eliminate the cruelty and disgusting behavior.
If you are one of those women who dismisses this extremely serious problem in a man you might ask yourself why? Are you so desperate for a man in your life that you will take the really disturbed guys who should not be a part of normal human society?
You may say you see the good in him. I don't buy it. While of course everyone has some good in them, the cruel disgusting behavior toward women and children can't be ignored and completely eliminates the possibility for even a remote chance of a healthy happy relationship.
How do you know if a guy is a sex offender?
Of course most sex offenders are not going to come out and tell you of their perversions and sickness but there are signs and red flags. And, in the course of an early relationship you have the opportunity to get to know the man. Take it. Don't assume a guy is wonderful until you find out otherwise. Find out about the guy before you get into a relationship.
First, check out the National Sex Offender
Registry! You can search by name or location! While this is only a beginning and not all sex offenders are registered it is a good start.
Secondly, you can be on the alert for clues.
Briefly, child predators typically are afraid of adult intimacy and may have some sexual dysfunction with women, enjoy time with children (prepubescent boys and girls) more than adults, may date women with children of his desired aged victims, have low self esteem, have a desire for power, have been abused as a child, don't take responsibility for their actions, and desire control over others. Some pedophiles have done jail time but most have not. They typically appear normal (above average education and frequently religious) but may spend a lot of alone time with children and are often unusually popular with children.
Rapists and sexual abusers are typically those men who want to inflict pain, dominate, control, humiliate, and degrade their victims. Rape is not about a "need" for sex but a need for domination. There are actually several different categories of sexual abusers but generally they exhibit a need for power and control. For many men sexual abuse is just one form of a more generalized attitude and behavior of violence toward women.
Has he been to jail? Does his life story check out? Who are his friends? Does he seem secretive? Are there pieces missing? Have you met his family? Does he have anger issues? Does he put women down? Ask the important questions and know the important answers.
Third, listen to your gut. I repeat this advice often because it is extremely important. More than your logical mind, your subconscious is aware of the subtle clues that something is not right. LISTEN! If you get that weird feeling in your stomach, that uneasy sense in your gut, your instincts are telling you that something is wrong. Walk away... or run.
Now, of course there is the possibility for some men to change but a few years in jail is not going to heal anyone. Not by a long shot. Unless someone has done the extraordinary work to heal and change some serious issues, had plenty of time to demonstrate he can live a normal life as a productive healthy human being, it is best to just stay away.
Listen to your gut!
Let me be clear... a guy is not a good prospect for a healthy relationship if he is a pedophile or if he (sexually or otherwise), abuses women.
There is no getting around this.
This is not a little piece of advice to discard.
Molesting children and raping women is not in the same category as a guy who forgets an anniversary or doesn't do his share of the dishes.
Forgiving him is not going to heal him.
Pretending he is a great man is not going to turn him into one.
Ignoring sexual perversion and anger is not going to eliminate the cruelty and disgusting behavior.
If you are one of those women who dismisses this extremely serious problem in a man you might ask yourself why? Are you so desperate for a man in your life that you will take the really disturbed guys who should not be a part of normal human society?
You may say you see the good in him. I don't buy it. While of course everyone has some good in them, the cruel disgusting behavior toward women and children can't be ignored and completely eliminates the possibility for even a remote chance of a healthy happy relationship.
How do you know if a guy is a sex offender?
Of course most sex offenders are not going to come out and tell you of their perversions and sickness but there are signs and red flags. And, in the course of an early relationship you have the opportunity to get to know the man. Take it. Don't assume a guy is wonderful until you find out otherwise. Find out about the guy before you get into a relationship.
First, check out the National Sex Offender
Registry! You can search by name or location! While this is only a beginning and not all sex offenders are registered it is a good start.
Secondly, you can be on the alert for clues.
Briefly, child predators typically are afraid of adult intimacy and may have some sexual dysfunction with women, enjoy time with children (prepubescent boys and girls) more than adults, may date women with children of his desired aged victims, have low self esteem, have a desire for power, have been abused as a child, don't take responsibility for their actions, and desire control over others. Some pedophiles have done jail time but most have not. They typically appear normal (above average education and frequently religious) but may spend a lot of alone time with children and are often unusually popular with children.
Rapists and sexual abusers are typically those men who want to inflict pain, dominate, control, humiliate, and degrade their victims. Rape is not about a "need" for sex but a need for domination. There are actually several different categories of sexual abusers but generally they exhibit a need for power and control. For many men sexual abuse is just one form of a more generalized attitude and behavior of violence toward women.
Has he been to jail? Does his life story check out? Who are his friends? Does he seem secretive? Are there pieces missing? Have you met his family? Does he have anger issues? Does he put women down? Ask the important questions and know the important answers.
Third, listen to your gut. I repeat this advice often because it is extremely important. More than your logical mind, your subconscious is aware of the subtle clues that something is not right. LISTEN! If you get that weird feeling in your stomach, that uneasy sense in your gut, your instincts are telling you that something is wrong. Walk away... or run.
Now, of course there is the possibility for some men to change but a few years in jail is not going to heal anyone. Not by a long shot. Unless someone has done the extraordinary work to heal and change some serious issues, had plenty of time to demonstrate he can live a normal life as a productive healthy human being, it is best to just stay away.
Listen to your gut!
7 thoughts and insights:
What's really said is that many women stay married to the man that molested their OWN kids. I always wondered why (okay, I know why..but it's still a sick thing to know that exists). These women say they want someone to financially protect them or that they can't be on their own...thanks for posting this blog, b/c we know there are a lot of women out there that are still willing to date men who molested kids. You would think it's a no-brainer, but these things exist. What's sick is that these women tell themselves "oh, he will never do it again."
What stuns me is when(sad, desperate) women target offenders corresponding with someone who is convicted of crimes. Baffling. Someone who has been in jail, esp. for a violent crime is probably not the best candidate for a long term relationship. Good tip :)
so true! you hit it on the head. i dated a guy with gaps in his story... i wondered why he hadnt had a gf in so long... and he had a temper and would blow up sometimes. i tolerated it, and found out he was a sexual offender. how i found it out was when he attacked me. he had been in jail 5 years for sexually asaaulting a woman b4 i met him. ahhh... theres a good reason to not have had a serious real;tionship in a few years. all the lies came out (well, not all, but some.) i shiver to think what else he lied about... and no to mention if a man has been i n prison, he has pbly had sex with other men and this does not bode well for your sexual health. listen to your instincts! Mine told me to run away, and i kept pushing that aside. Much pain could have been avoided.
It sadden me a lot. Thanks for posting
You are so right. You have insight that many women can't grasp, sadly.
I was engaged to a man who had been accused of sexually abusing his nine year old daughter. He got off on that charge and was found not guilty. He still has a case pending against him for doing the same to his two year old niece. He also is always attracted to very young girls (he is 30) I feel awful because he swears he did not do this but I am now believing he did. We are not together because he doesn't know what he wants from life. I can't say why I stayed with him. I guess I wanted to believe it wasn't true and that he was good. That is sad.
Just wondering........
But if they are found not guilty, how do you know whether they where a skilled manipulater or really innocent????
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