How to Manage Your Anger

I have written several posts on abuse for women, (you can read here), so this post is directed toward men* who may be abusive, or who are in need of some help managing their anger.

This topic is one that could easily fill volumes, and this short post is not meant to be a treatise on the subject. My hope is to give some insights and ideas to better manage ones anger.

How to manage your anger....

I approach the management of anger from two perspectives:

1. In the moment anger and

2. Underlying issues that cause the anger.

Let me elaborate.

We all get angry. It is an appropriate response to some stimuli or events, but there are both healthy and harmful ways to manage this emotion. In the moment management are techniques and suggestions to handle those times when we get angry so there will be no harm.

However, in abusive situations there are typically underlying issues that lead to anger and very harmful demonstrations of it. Having worked with hundreds of male abusers, I would say nearly all men involved with domestic violence have underlying issues of shame.

I would highly recommend anyone who is abusive to get serious therapeutic counseling by a trained professional who specializes in issues of abuse and anger. The underlying issues can be dealt with and healing can take place.

For this post, I want to share five general ideas for the management of anger in the moment. This post is not intended to resolve underlying issues which need professional help.

1. Change perspective.

Have you ever been driving in a car and someone pulled out in front of you and you yell some obscenity at them or show the driver a particular finger? You get angry as a response to the (likely) mistake of another.

Now, what if you realized that the driver in front of you was actually your grandmother who inadvertently pulled out without seeing you? For most people, the anger instantly disappears.

Why? Because in the realization, in a moment of receiving new knowledge the situation completely changed. Did anything concrete change? No. Just your perspective and understanding.

When in a heated argument, what can you think of that would change your perspective. You may picture your boss, the police, or religious leader walking in seeing you in this rage, or maybe a child getting hit by something you throw intended for your spouse. You might visualize your partner being in the hospital, in the ICU fighting for her life after being hit in the head by you.

Take some time to ponder how you can change perspective.

2. Create a plan.

To manage anger in the moment, you must create a plan.

When you are in a happy mood and all is well, you come up with a plan on how you will behave and manage your anger the next time you are in a difficult situation when your anger is emerging. Do some brainstorming here. Come up with all those things that help you, write them down, create a list, post them where you can see and memorize them. Have them handy and available.

3. Specific techniques to manage anger.

Often a conversation may get heated and it escalates until there is little chance for a happy ending. The best advice is to intervene PRIOR to the escalating. As soon as you notice you are getting out of control (or even before this), stop. Just stop. Break your state.

You take a minute to do some deep breathing. You change position or body posture. You get a drink of water (not alcohol). Pour water on your face, jump up and down, or do something weird, whatever you have to to change your anger state. Have several ideas already in place so you know, as soon as you feel yourself moving toward a dangerous place, you have ready ideas on how you will stop the anger from exploding.

4. Should you walk away if you are angry?

This is a tricky question. If you are about to beat up your partner, of course it is better to walk away. No question about this. However, some men walk away as a display of power and control. In other words, if they walk away and refuse to discuss an issue or engage in a conversation, they are the ones who have control over the situation. They want to retain their power and do this by not engaging in that with which they are uncomfortable.

What is more appropriate is to have a plan. Have an honest conversation PRIOR to any difficult situation, to discuss with your partner how one will manage the anger. It can be decided that if a discussion is getting heated, both partners, or either partner can take a fifteen minute break to calm down, then return to the discussion.

5. Prevention is everything.

There is significant research to demonstrate that we can prevent explosive anger to a large degree. The more at peace one is, the more relaxed, the happier, the less emotional outbursts will occur and the better one can manage anger. However, as I mentioned there is often much more to abuse than stress and unhappiness.

Again, there is absolutely NO excuse for abuse, and as I have stated, an abuser needs serious help to deal with underlying issues of power and control.

If you know you have a problem get help now, right today. Make the phone call. We know from research that abuse tends to escalate. If you are emotionally abusing right now, it very likely will move toward physical abuse. If you have already engaged in pushing, hitting, and throwing behavior, the abuse will move toward even more serious, dangerous, and hurtful behavior.

Please get help.

Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

More on abuse..

Thank you to the anonymous man who requested this excellent topic.

*I do realize women can also be abusive. This post is intended for men who have issues dealing with anger.