Sunday, November 18, 2007

Signs a Guy is Cheating?

how to tell if a guy is a jerk, signs a guy is cheating, is he cheating, jerks, listen to your gut
Is he cheating?

What do you think?

Take away the excuses, the rationalizations, the justifications for wondering.... what does your gut tell you?

If you are questioning, wondering, and asking yourself if a guy is cheating, your gut may well be telling you something you do not want to here.

Now, there are those women who are filled with anxiety, insecurity, and over the top jealousy, who misread signals and who have a history of not dealing well with reality. However, more often than not, your gut is honest, accurate, and giving you information of which you may not be consciously aware.

If you are feeling uncomfortable, unsettled, or getting some of those little nudges that something is just not right in your relationship, it may be helpful to take some time and acknowledge what it is that makes you wonder. What have you noticed? What seems inconsistent? What is different, out of character, or unusual?

What are your instincts telling you?

Now the hard part: allow yourself to be honest. To know one's partner is cheating is not something anyone wants to hear which is why women often go in to a state of denial and excuse making. Woman do not want to face the fact that their love interest has found someone else.

But you want the truth. Better to face reality than live with a man who is dishonest, cheating, and lying to you. Right? Right!

If you are in need of clear and specific clues that may help you know if a guy is cheating on you ask yourself these questions:

1. Is his behavior out of character? Is he more attentive? Less attentive? Buying gifts? Acting strange in some way? Is he less available? Calling more or less than usual? Is he constantly making excuses for his behavior? Apologizing and over compensating for something?

2. Is he moody? Constantly fighting? Walking out when things get tense? Hanging up? Seem irritable?

3. Is he removing himself from your life? Does he talk less? Have nothing to say? Seem bored with you? Does he seem "somewhere else"? Have little to say to you about anything? Is he disinterested and emotional unavailable?

4. Has the romance disappeared? Does he no longer tell you he loves you? Has sex diminished? Does he seem oblivious to your kindness and love? Is there little or no physical contact or affection, like hand holding, back rubs, etc.

5. Is he suddenly concerned with his appearance? Is he newly concerned with clothes? Have a new hairstyle? Wearing cologne for the first time in years? Spending more time getting ready, purchasing products, or getting a whole new look?

6. Does he have newly formed opinions?
Is he participating in unusual activities? Discussing new ideas or thoughts? Interested in topics never before mentioned?

7. Does he talk less or more about a co-worker, friend, or colleague? He may start talking about a "friend," hoping to give the impression there is nothing going on. Or, he may all of a sudden stop talking about anything at work.

8. Are there very obvious clues that you have ignored? Have you found receipts from a hotel? Answered the phone and someone hangs up? Walked in while your guys was on the computer and he quickly deletes his email? Noticed frequent texts to some unknown person?

Obviously not every single item on the above list means a man is cheating. But if you sense something is not right, if you have a gut feeling that your guy is lying or deceiving you, it may be a good idea to take a good hard look at what is going on, and listen to what your instincts are telling you!

Why should you listen to your gut? Read more!

28 thoughts and insights:

Worldman said...

Jennifer, it is amazing how you councel people with your posts. The eight points you put are, in my opinion, a foolproof way to find out if someone is cheating. In particular when the guts are sending messages.

Jennifer said...

Hi Peter...

Thanks for your insights!

If you agree then I'm feeling confident! LOL!

Yep... listening to one's "gut" is the best advice I could give someone!

Be safe in your travels Peter...

Hugs,

Jen

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,
First of all, amazing site. Thank you for all this information. So the guy I'm seeing for 5 months- started out great. Maybe we rushed it, but now he's pulling away. Twice we hung out, he had gotten strange number on his cell. I called him on it and both times he lied that it was a wrong # or his ex's friend. When I forced him to tell me the truth then broke up with him, he said it was his ex. She called him on New Years. He acted like a jerk and bolted out. That was it for me. Since then, he has begged for another chance. Said they were talking the whole time as friends. Since told her not to call and she hung up the phone crying. Her family member had passed and she was drinking with a kid! So he said was just trying to be nice. How do I know if she'll call again. My gut is saying he has called her since she hung up, and maybe they left messages or maybe they talked. But its driving me nuts not knowing and don't know if I can trust him now...he likes to pay dutch out, is moody and unpredictable... I know I need to get out, but we do love each other and its a tough one...any advice is needed...Thank you!
A

Anonymous said...

So I have a question about my husband. He is in the Navy and leaves from time to time for 2-4 weeks or so. Our marriage has been great and we've been so happy. My husband was gone for a month (about 2 mos. ago) to Guam. I just stumbled accross a receipt for vodka, his brand of cigarettes and condoms. He claims he doesn't know--it wasn't his receipt and says a friend of his roomate smokes the same cigarettes and it was probably his. I wouldn't believe it, except things have been so good and there has been no suspecting of infidelity. Any opinions or advice??

Jennifer said...

Hi Anonymous,

Nice to have you!

So, what do you feel in your gut?

If your best friend told you that she found some receipts (of condoms, cigaretts, and vodka), in her husband's belongings and he said it must have been a friend what would you tell her?

Of course I do not know but most likely either:

1. He did not have an affair and it was his friend's receits that happen to end up in his stuff. Marriage is great and there are no problems.

2. He did have an affair, the receits were his, and he is being really nice to cover up his guilt.

Again, of course I do not know.

Perhaps some good and honest discussion is in order?

Listen to you gut... be honest with yourself.

It is a tough situation for sure!

Warmest wishes and best of luck to you sweeetie,

Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the feedback Jennifer. I am still pondering and trying to figure out what my gut is telling me. Thanks again.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,
This is A from above...I was just wondering what your thoughts were on this one...So, since he lied about his ex calling, I got suspicious. One night, I asked for his cell...and what do you know I got what I deserved..that weird # again. I knew it was the ex, made him call her in front of me. She was screaming and said they had phone sex last week and that they were supposed to have it again that Friday! I was apalled. He ran out of my condo. (that's right- run boy!) And when I finally found him from my car, I can't remember but I did say I wasn't going to leave him with that trash. There was no physical contact, so like the gullible woman, forgave him. Since then, its been rough. I cheated on him one night and came clean about it the next day. Perhaps I just wasn't able to forgive him. Plus his moods during that whole time in January were so up and down. Now they are still soo up and down that I can't keep track and actually ended up really stressed out. I am seeing a psychologist now. But last weekend went on a date with a friend I met online. I again came clean about it, but the guy I was dating got mad at me and now won't talk to me. He hangs up the phone on me all the time, watches TV as if he doesn't care what I'm saying on the phone. Thing is, the sex is incredible and I can't imagine my life without his affection. Am I doomed when it comes to this guy? I think I may know the answer...but please any advice is so appreciated. Thank you Jennifer! Thank you for this site! Peace and love. XO

Jennifer said...

Hi Anonymous... Nice to see you! :-)

Yes, you know the answer! (smile)

How about this... why not step back for a minute and take some time to really ponder what you want in a relationship.

Do you want your life to be filled with this sort of nonsense, hurt, pain, and mess?

Or do you want a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship?

Ask yourself what you really want for your life. Ponder it, visualize it, hold a picture of it in your heart.

The problem is, sometimes we get wrapped up in the chaos of the moment and can't see a what is REALLY out there, and what life can be like.

I'm glad you are getting some counseling... this is a good step so keep it up K?

I know you can find a good man with whom you can have a healthy and happy relationship. I have a sense you are a lot stronger than you may realize. You do not need to remain in a relationship that is less than fulfilling, with a guy less than decent.

The stronger you become the less you will tolerate unhealthiness, and the more you realize life doesn't have to be full of the drama and mess.

So, sweetie, hold that vision of what you really want and how you want your life to unfold K? Draw a picture, make a collage, write a poem or whatever but hold the ideal in your heart and mind K?

Warmest wishes to you... keep me posted!

XO,

Jen

Anonymous said...

Jennifer,
Every time I read what you write I start crying. I will continue to see a counselor and work out who I really am. And talk this out with fancy meals with my friends at 4 star restaurants and trips around the world. I wish for every woman going through any of this unecessary drama that I am going through- to drop him like a fly. Let's all drop the jerks of the world together ladies!! We mean something. I am going to do what you said and take a step back and do a lot of bikram yoga. I think its also so insightful and true. My ideal love and man is not this one and I always knew that. I think I'll make a collage after work tomorrow about what that ideal man will be. I just can't wait to meet him. I wish that all woman can learn from you as much as I just did. This site is a blessing and I am your new #1 fan.
God bless you and keep you always.
XoxxxxXXXXX,
Adrienne

Anonymous said...

hello Jennifer,

Please help me. About a year ago two friends and I lived together. My boyfriend was always coming over to visit me and would even sometimes spend the night with me. I had to return home to have surgery and was gone for maybe a week. During that time i recieved a phone call from my boyfriend saying that one of my friends tried to get on top of him and straddle him. If he hadnt held her back she wouldve been grinding on him. A few months later he was out of town and she and i got into an arguement and she told me she had sex with him. After things calmed down i asked her why she would say such a thing and she said that i made her mad and she wanted to get back at me but that they never really had sex. Its now a year later and i am still in the sme living situation, except he now lives with us. I dont trust them together and on occasions i see them flirting and when confronted she denied eveything but asked if i would prefer her to stay away from him. She askes him for rides when i am not home and when i told him that i would prefer her ask me before he gives her a ride he gets mad.She even knows what the set in my bathroom looks like and i know for a fact that shes never in my room when i am home. There was even a time when he was late picking me up from work and when i asked him what happened he said that he was sleep and washing clothes. His lies didnt add up and when my other friend told me that he had taken this girl to work i wanted to know why he lied and his excuse was that he didnt know why he lied. I need some serious answers please im about to go crazy. When it comes to her he always gets mad. I have also discovered emails to other girls that were really inapropriate, girls that ive asked about before and he told me nothing was going on between them. When i asked about the emails he apologized and said he would do everything in his power to make it right. He then said you are probably questioning everything else i have ever told you and that he wasnt lying about not sleeping with my friend.

Jennifer said...

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks for writing, my heart goes out to you.

OK, here is what I want you to do... take some time to yourself, go to a park, or take a nice walk, but go somewhere where you can be alone for a bit.

Ask yourself what you know... don't try to analyze it just listen to your gut.

The thing is YOU know... you may not want to accept it but you know what feels right and what feels wrong.

Too often women want to keep a relationship together so deny or discount what they know inside. We often don't see what we do not want to see, and there are those times when just can't accept what we know to be true.

It sounds to me like your relationship, regardless of the particulars is not a healthy happy one. Would you agree?

The reality is, things will stay the same unless YOU do something different. You can set some boundaries, become clear inside, live in your own truth.

How badly do you want this man in your life? How much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice to remain in an unhealthy relationship? Is it really that you and your boyfriend love each other or is it a habit or relationship of convienience? Is your relationship one you feel is worthy of devoting your life to?

I think you know deep inside what is going on and what you really want. It sounds like you very much wish for a trusting, devoted, healthy relationship and this is not what you currently have.

Only YOU know what is right for you... but you do know.

One other thing, having another woman live with a couple is just never a good idea. Really, this just makes for some really unhealthy dynamics and situations. It is asking for trouble. You may want to rethink this arrangement. :-)

Best wishes to you sweetie... keep me posted.

Jennifer

Marishka6381 said...

HI,
Thanks for the interesting article's.
I just want to comment tho, that I know a man who has been cheating on his wife for 3 years and she doesn't have a clue.
Why? Cuz he knows all these signs and he makes sure he doesn't do any of them.
He see's the girl when he is at the ymca and doesn't stay over.
He only gives her cash that was given to him thru cash jobs that weren't expected. He see's her only at work. So, how is a wife to know anything is wrong when not a thing is out of the ordinary?
And how would I tell this wife very very anononymously what her husband is up to?
Any idea's?

blueeyedeagle said...

Hi,
Thanks for your great insight and helping people to see the truth. I am in a situation and not sure what to do. I started dating a man about 5 months ago now. His ex was still living with him. He kept on telling me that she was moving out and that their relationship had been over for a long time. I was very wary and refused to get physically involved. She has since moved out, just a few weeks ago and we have now become physical. Things were good for those first few weeks when suddenly he starts putting the brakes on. I'm not really sure what is going on. We have discussed things...He says that things went too quickly between us and he is not sleeping, eating properly and that his work is suffering from it all and needs to take some time to get back on track...sounds reasonable, I guess...maybe we did go too fast, but now he does not call on some nights at all, where as before, he called a few times a day. I am wondering if he is in fact maybe seeing his ex on the sly. I do not want this kind of a relationship...it is way too stressful. Should I just confront him and ask him straight up if he seeing his ex or do I just sound very insecure. She did not want to move out... also he owns a few trailors, one which she is using and one weekend he disappeared... Later he told me he was up there helping her paint and spent most of the weekend arguing with her. It was after this that his behaviour has changed. I think I already know the answer deep inside. He keeps on telling me that there is nothing to worry aboutl, but I really think that something strange is going on. Help! Kerry.

Jennifer said...

Hi Marishka,

Thank you for writing. I apologize for not answering sooner... I somehow missed your comment.

Yes, there are those guys who are very slick... SERIOUSLY not so good guys. :-(

I'm sorry this woman has married such a man.

I'm not exactly sure how you could anonymously tell this woman about her cheating husband... I don't know if you know her or interact with her, or even could contact her, but hopefully you can find a way to help her.

Warmest wishes,

Jennifer

Jennifer said...

Hi BEE... (smile),

Thanks for writing.

I agree with you.. deep down inside you know things are not quite right with the relationship.

You may not know all the specifics but your gut is certainly telling you things are amiss. GREAT job for listening to yourself! :-)

You sound strong and seem to have set some good boundaries... good for you!

Whether you confront this guy or not, be really clear on what is or is not acceptable for you. BEFORE you have a discussion, take some time to ponder what sort of relationship you want, how you want to be treated, and what type of guy you hope to be with.

The more clear you are, the more you will be able to sort out what is going on, what feels right for you, and how you want to proceed.

Does that make sense?

It sounds to me like he may not be clear himself what is going on, what he wants, or what he wants you to know, hence the discussion may not be fruitful, so focus in on your strength and your self-esteem. Follow your instincts, and.. continue to listen to you gut! ;-)

Best wishes sweetie,

Jennifer

Confused said...

Hi Jennifer. :)

I just want to say I love your articles. I'm only 16, but this kind of stuff can be used in those sorts of situations as well, I think.

I'm currently dating a guy (also 16) who I started flirting with at the beginning of the summer. He was the one who started everything, asking me to a movie, paying for the food, etc. A couple of times hanging out later we kissed, everything went well.

Then his ex (who he is still good friends with) started having huge family issues, and he tried to be there for her... ignoring me completely when she was around. I finally told him that I understood, but that he couldn't completely ignore me, because it was just hurtful, and he apologized and told his ex that she needed to find other people to help her out as well.

We talk really well about everything that bothers us, makes us happy, etc. in different people or situations. He's said a few times "I don't know why I can tell you these things" after confessing a fear or something that he has. Then we started officially dating and he was all about telling his friends and getting them to meet me. He was really happy, calling me (he usually never calls anyone) and wanting to hang out all the time. He even began saying that he loved me, and when I asked him how it happened so fast he said he didn't really know, he just did.

He went on a week long camping trip with his family where he had no way to contact anyone. During that time someone at my work saw his ex and asked her how she was... she said that when he was helping her with her problems she thought they were going to start dating again, but he said no. A few days later (while he was still at camp with no way to contact anyone) she sent the same person a text saying "what I said before isn't true, me and (I'll leave his name out) are definitely together".

I saw this text the day he came back, while we were at a work party (we all work together). I confronted him about it when I could get the two of us alone, and he got really upset, saying that he was hurt that I thought that for a second and that he would never do that to me. Afterwards he kept hugging me and when another guy started coming on to me in a really creepy way he caught my eye, came over and said "this is my girlfriend" which means he wasn't hiding it from people at work.

He did cheat on his ex a few times. But I have a theory as to why. She was very controlling, very snobby to his friends, mad if he so much as talked to a girl, etc. They broke up once or twice and he dated someone else for a month but went back to her.

He later apologized that I had thought him and his ex were back together, and that he never wanted me to have to worry about that. A few days after the fact, I was at work and he didn't show up for his shift. I called him and he said he was sick. I told another one of his friends that at work and they said "oh, too bad, he's lying to you. guess he's off screwing around with his ex" and things like that. I got extremely upset and phoned him back crying an hour later (at his house, meaning he didn't go to see anyone), telling him that I felt like I could trust him and that what people were saying was hurting me. He ended up saying that he was confused as to what was going on with everyone at that he wanted to be friends until everyone got over it.

At first I said that it made sense, then I thought it over and said that I thought the best thing to do was to ride it out. He immediately said he had to go to bed and wouldn't talk about it.

The next day I saw him with his best friend and he was friendly, but not in any more then a "just friends" sort of way. However, he kept saying that his friend approved of me as someone he likes, etc.

That night I told him that I was hurt and that I needed to understand what was really going on. He kept saying that he has a lot of trouble talking about this kind of stuff, but eventually admitted that he thought he was ready to move on but he was scared. I said that I respected that. Afterwards for a few days he was very distant, didn't want to talk, didn't want to hang out..

I saw him at work a few days later, and our mutual friend kassandra was talking to us both at different times. I asked her what she thought was going on and she had no idea. He would wave and smile at me, then at break he got sent home early (it wasn't busy) and wanted to leave right away, instead of staying to hang out with me and kassandra.

Finally we got him to come see a movie with us. He sat in between kassandra and I, and I realized that it was very hard to be around him when I thought he was avoiding me and I still felt very strongly. He went to get some food and I ended up crying. Kassandra took me outside to the washroom and then we went to get some food as well. He noticed my makeup was a bit smudged and said "you've been crying. smile, your beautiful" and grabbed my arm and took me back to the theatre. When in the theatre I ended up crying again and he asked if I wanted to go outside and talk for a bit.

I told him that I was really confused and I didn't know if he still loved me or if I should be getting over him. He ended up kissing me and saying that he did love me, but he wasn't ready for a relationship right now, because he just got out of the other one that was a year and a half long, and he wasn't sure of himself. He had been avoiding me because he knew that he hurt me. He hugged me and then we went back to the theatre and everything seemed okay.

The next day he came over and we hung out all day. We ended up talking again and he said that the reason he was scared was that he knew he hurt me and he was afraid of being a bad boyfriend. We ended up cosying up for the entire day and now we're dating again. I asked him if he was okay with this and he said "yes, of course".

However, he signed in to msn today and wasn't very talkative. I asked him what he was doing today and he said he didn't know yet. I asked if he wanted to go to the beach with me and he said "i don't know" and went offline. He still seems to feel a bit awkward.

What do you think is going on?

Jennifer said...

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks for writing! I am seriously glad to know I have young readers! :-)

I think you actually have the answer in your question...

You wrote that your boyfriend said he "did love me, but he wasn't ready for a relationship right now.:

I'm guessing this is pretty accurate. :-)

It sounds to me like he is not really ready for a serious relationship but he does care for you and enjoys your company.

I think he doesn't want to hurt you but realizes he is just not ready for something more serious.

It sounds to me like you are a very confident young woman and will understand where this guy is coming from.

Good luck... keep me posted!

Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,
I'm 18 years old. I may be young but i have been through alot through my teenage years. phsyically abused. Also I know it may sound like im making this up but have been cheated on by every boyfriend except the one im going to be telling you about.

Basically, I was with this guy for 1 year 2 months. We was on and off but got on really well. We got told we were really suited both bubbly and we both like the same things etc. We were joint at the hip. Anyway.. His mum and my mum were very close. One day he hurt me so much our mums got together. I ended up knowing a lot of things i didnt know. He let me down one night to meet his ex girlfriend with his friend. Still to this day i don't know why but we ended up breaking up for several reason like his friends didnt like the fact he was settling down, also because he told his parents one of my family members tried to sell him steriods. This was totally a lie. Anyway i believe my family member because he isn't like that and we are very close so he would tell me.

So we broke up. Anyway i met him in a club about 4 months ago and we kissed. We was also together since that night. Until a couple of weeks ago. He says he has business to look after. Yet i hardly ever see him he tells me his meeting other girls to get numbers for business, and tells me he will text me when his got the numbers and on his way home. Like tonight he has gone to meet a girl to get numbers He left at 5.40 and he still hasn't contacted me. Thats what its like everyday now. e€ven when im with him his looking at girls. Eventhough he knows im watching his every move he does it. And im not actually back with him yet but his friends are causing trouble as well. Saying he just wants me for one thing. And i did say to my friend that i thought thats all he wanted too because he wont stop talking about it, and has tried it on a couple of times too. His even admitted to looking at my friend. I feel so uncomfy. But i love him and my gut tells me the same thing everytime im with a guy. I dont want to be lonely for the rest of my life but im a weak person, soft in a way. I cant handle things like this i need to know straight if he is or not. I asked to look at his phone last time i saw him and he said no its personal. I would sneak it but i can't as he has a password on it that i dont know.

I really love this guy. He makes me so happy. But because i have been cheated on plenty of times in the past my gut feeling seems to be the same no matter who it is im with and my head tells me what my gut feeling is. I'm really confused. Hope you can help me. xxx

Jennifer Jones said...

Hi Anonymous (1-14),

Thanks for writing!

And.. great job for thinking and pondering your situation! :-)

I'm going to be really honest with you OK? Pretend I am a big sister and we are having a heart to heart conversation or something! OK?

Typically, whenever a young woman wants a guy really badly, perhaps desperately, she is going to be taken advantage of and will usually get hurt. Why? Because she is going to hook up with a guy who knows he can get away with whatever he wants.

The stronger you are the better chance you have of finding a decent guy who is not going to cheat on you.

You stated that you have been treated badly, even abused in the past and often that creates a feeling of wanted a man to validate you to make you feel valuable or of worth.

The truth is, you do not need a man to be happy or to be important. In fact, the more a woman gives herself to a less than decent guy the worse she feels and then a downward cycle begins.

Does that make sense to you?

What I hope for all young women in your situation and you inparticular is that you will get really strong WITHOUT a guy before you enter a relationship.

You are young and have a lot of potential and I would love to see you have the fabulous life you wish rather than devote your time and energy to a guy who treats you really badly and disrespectfully.

Here is a question for you... what happens if you build a house without a great foundation? It falls down right? Same with a relationship. If you are not really strong and secure with yourself, the relationship is not going to be healthy, and you are going to continue on in this pattern.

So... take really good care of yourself. Do everything you can to be the best person you can. Continue your education in whatever way you can, find some great hobbies, help others, do all those things that help you feel good about yourself. Then, when you are feeling really strong, then you find a great guy who will treat you really well!

How does that sound?

I'm cheering for you sweetie... keep me posted K?

Big hugs,

Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I know that your gut tells you alot. I have been in a past relationship where i was cheated on and discovered it. Now, I am currently with a new man and we have been together for 8 months. Its been great, but all of a sudden, he is leaving for work early and saying that he has some things to do. Usually he tells me what hes doing or visiting, just as a courtesy, because i do the same. Also, now he says he will be home soon and wont show till and hour to an hour and a half later. He does not tell me that hell be late. Now i dont know if im just being peronoid or should i be worried that something is going on?

Anonymous said...

Hi ,
im 19 years old and a year ago my boyfriend of 4 years, started to hang out with another girl and left me, they didnt do anything together but he did leave me for her. a couple of months later he did everything to try and get me back and i took him back. now its a year later and we got into a fight one day and he ignored me for a week and i came running back to him and for some reason, him ignoring me for those 7 days triggered the memory of him leaving me. now were back together but i keep on thinking he is doing stuff behind my back. he always earsing his texts and he never has anything to say when its just me and him together. i love him but he is acting a little werid but i dont know if im just over reacting. and now he wants to go away after the summer to the marines. im so confused if he really loves me ugh so confused

Anonymous said...

Hi,
Im also 19 I have been with the same guy for two years now. In the beginning it was a complete mess, We never saw each other because of work/school, he was into parting with his guys and I was into hanging out with my girls. He ended up cheating on me, I knew as soon as he did it and he told me that next morning. I was hurt of course and I broke it off but knew we needed to talk it out. Every bone in my body told me to run, thats when I realized I loved him. Alot more than I ever thought, He seemed generally sorry about what he had done, and we talked for days before we got back together. Since then it have been over a year. We did split up once because of a girl he had been texting and lying about, he wasnt having sex with her but he was lying about talking to her. While we were apart he eventually did have sex with her, but when we got back together he cut off communications with her until recently. abotu a month ago she text him again saying "im horny and depressed" I was so angry I texted her back as my boyfriend and told her he didnt want her to text him anymore. but of course she has almost every night since. She has even tried calling. The other night I spent the night at my parents who live about an hour away, I just felt something was wrong, he called and everything seemed fine. But when I got home I realized one of our condoms where missing..but i cant remember if we used it or not and I cant find the wrapper anywhere that I would throw it out... I feel like my guts telling me two different things and I dont know which to listen to. Can you please help me??

Nikki said...

Until last Saturday things seemed fine. On my way home, from being out of town with family for six weeks, I got a call from my Apt manager asking if I would like to add another girl to our lease. At first I said no, and honestly believed she was mistaking all our friends who pop in and out. We spent the weekend hanging out, and it felt good. Until Sunday night...at 11:14pm I went to bed and his phone started ringing and I answered incase their was a family emergency, but no, it was some woman who works in my boyfriend print shop at work. I then went into another room, locked the door and listened to a voicemail and read a text. One of each was enough, then I had a terrible bout of anxiety, followed by uncontrollable crying and even was sick. The next day (yesterday) I spoke to neighbors, and got everyones sympathy and account of what they saw...yes, I actually talked to the nosey ones who seem to even know days, etc. Well I feel like I came home to a different guy. I had drinks last night with a friend, and she said I was taking this well. Upto now it's been shock, then after lengthy chats with my ex (feels wierd typing that) we discussed a letter I had written and I aggreed that he is Mr Today and i'm Miss Tomorrow! I like to think big, optimistically and have a lot going for me, am a yr away from graduating, and have zero debt. He has now gotta change job, move town and get ahold of 9 months 1/2 rent. I have been writing in my journal and read all the moments where things had gone wrong, as I only journal on my 'bad' days. I feel good as a person, but cared deeply about him. I will oneday find someone compatible, and learn from my shortcomings, because we discussed in depth the good, the bad and what we've learned and want to move on. But despite relief, I awoke with a sinking heart, pain, and I think he owe's me a box of kleenex. Time will heal, hopefully :) I have learned though to be civil, I am not one to cause anamosity, and it will make healing less stressful than breaking things or being shouted at. Instead I lost my bestest friend and have learned that I’m not worthy of dishonesty, We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart. -- Blaise Pascal

Nikki said...

Until last Saturday things seemed fine. On my way home, from being out of town with family for six weeks, I got a call from my Apt manager asking if I would like to add another girl to our lease. At first I said no, and honestly believed she was mistaking all our friends who pop in and out. We spent the weekend hanging out, and it felt good. Until Sunday night...at 11:14pm I went to bed and his phone started ringing and I answered incase their was a family emergency, but no, it was some woman who works in my boyfriend print shop at work. I then went into another room, locked the door and listened to a voicemail and read a text. One of each was enough, then I had a terrible bout of anxiety, followed by uncontrollable crying and even was sick. The next day (yesterday) I spoke to neighbors, and got everyones sympathy and account of what they saw...yes, I actually talked to the nosey ones who seem to even know days, etc. Well I feel like I came home to a different guy. I had drinks last night with a friend, and she said I was taking this well. Upto now it's been shock, then after lengthy chats with my ex (feels wierd typing that) we discussed a letter I had written and I aggreed that he is Mr Today and i'm Miss Tomorrow! I like to think big, optimistically and have a lot going for me, am a yr away from graduating, and have zero debt. He has now gotta change job, move town and get ahold of 9 months 1/2 rent. I have been writing in my journal and read all the moments where things had gone wrong, as I only journal on my 'bad' days. I feel good as a person, but cared deeply about him. I will oneday find someone compatible, and learn from my shortcomings, because we discussed in depth the good, the bad and what we've learned and want to move on. But despite relief, I awoke with a sinking heart, pain, and I think he owe's me a box of kleenex. Time will heal, hopefully :) I have learned though to be civil, I am not one to cause anamosity, and it will make healing less stressful than breaking things or being shouted at. Instead I lost my bestest friend and have learned that I’m not worthy of dishonesty, We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart. -- Blaise Pascal

Holly said...

Hey Jennifer,
I'm wondering if my guy is cheating on me. I have a unusual relationship though, one i didn't really want. We just feel into a relationship. Its an long distance internet relationship. I never meant to have this relationship but it just happened. Well recently we had a fight because of my insecurities, but what if it wasn't just my insecurities? Like after this fight we had he doesn't send me text anymore saying he loves and misses me. He will say it on the phone, but no text messages even if I will say it first. He doesn't talk to me as much.. He will keep refusing to let me talk to him. Saying I'm paranoid, annoying, or smothering him and that he was going to get offline and play his video game. But I'm only reacting to the way he is acting towards me. I tried SO many times to be reasonable and i got nothing out of it. So one time I blew up telling him how can he deni from talking to my own boyfriend and such. I finally had it. I tell him that he makes me cry and after i'm done talking he says not to blame him for making me cry. And yet.. it is his fault cause he doesn't seem interested anymore. My friends all know the whole story and they say he has to be cheating on me.. but I don't have the proof and I love him so much I don't want to lose him. He use to be do the little things I liked and now .. he doesn't care or just doesn't do them.
He even ignores me to go play a "game." He will deni me to use the web cam to see him too .. so sometimes I think he is using it for some other girl.. Long distance is hard and that is why I didn't want this in the first place but sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with.
Everyone tells me to dump him but I don't know.. Sometimes he will lie too but over stupid little things.. I just don't know what to do cause I know I shouldn't let myself go through this emotional pain but I love him to much to just let him go. :(

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen!
ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a few months and recently i found out he's been talking to his ex for our whole relationship.. but he says they're just friends. But he talks to her a lot nicer and more enthusiastic then he does with me (i looked at their conversations) We constantly fight about their "friendship" and i tell him not to talk to her and he doesn't stop time after time. They don't see each other often but their relationship over text messages and MSN is really bothering me. i don't know what to do! Plus he's been emotionally and physically hurting me and i feel like i've been blinded this whole time and i'm finally realizing i shouldn't tolerate this behaviour from him. But i'm too scared to let go because he also has his nice times when he's really sweet. I feel like i'm stuck and trapped in this relationship and i do want to let go but there's a part of me that's going to miss him :(

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm 47 and I have been divorced for nine years now. I am according to friends a nice looking intelligent woman but I am a little overweight. I hardly get out because I am single Mom so I don't get much of a chance to meet anyone. I also moved back to my childhood hometown which is mainly retirement age people. About 1 1/2 years ago I was so lonely I got involved with a man that I knew had a slight drinking problem. To make a long story short this never worked out because his problems were always someone else's a typical true alcoholic situation. He also had Erectile Dysfunction as well which was new for me to deal with. I dealt with this alcoholic man and tried to get help for him and was sympathetic and understanding of his ED for approximately little over a year. I am now involved with a friend who is also in my same profession who is a different race. We both have kids in college and still in school we both have demanding jobs but until about a month ago we managed to get together and have wonderful sex as much as possible. He is on call sometimes and between that and his kids it is hard to get together since his kids are with him 24/7 no ex in the picture at all. The thing I hate is that he is really bad about communicating. He has a cell phone and twice now I have told him if you cant make it fine but just try to text me and keep me abreast of what is going on. His older girls are very demanding and one even forged his signature on a student loan at the suggestion of his exwife who had his SS number. I thought this was horrible and does not speak well for their appreciation of their father and all his hard work. How do I get this guy to understand that a little communication goes a long way and should I even want to deal with this situation due to his demanding kids? His two youngest kids will be thru high school in four years I will still have one going to school. I really respected this guy until lately but now I am beginning to feel used. How do I approach this situation with understanding but get my point across so it gets better or we move on? Please advise.

Anonymous said...

So, em..do you have any posts for girls/women who have cheated? And how to either stop, end your first relationship, or determine which forms of cheating are acceptable (emotional, etc.)? I've fallen in love with someone NOT my boyfriend..I haven't physically cheated as I haven't met him..(yes, i am a victim to online dating..but it seems to be going well)..and I need advice on how to get out of my relationship so I can be happy with the person I love. I don't think I'm a bad person..but I'm not sure..:/

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