If you are single and thinking you are in love with a married man, let me assure you, you are not with a great man.
Don't fool yourself.
And, let's be clear... he is not with you because his wife is a horrible, uncaring person who doesn't understand him.
He is with you because he is not a great man!
If he were, he would invest the time he is spending with you on his family, get some counseling, do what he could to save the relationship, and after every possible hope disappeared, and he is still unable to have a healthy marriage, he would get a divorce BEFORE he started his affair with you!
And one more thing, you are not more interesting, attractive, or fabulous than his wife. While it may give you a little thrill to think you are so much better than his wife, and he is so much more in love with you than the women to whom he is married, he is not with you because you are so great. He is with you because he doesn't want to invest in his marriage, he likes the sexual variety, or just wants some diversion.
You are just a distraction, something different, someone to boost his ego and placate his wandering lust.
I know, I know... he tells you he loves you, that his wife is frumpy, dowdy, or not what she once was. Well, she probably has been taking care of children and trying to create a home while he is out with you having some extra sex on the side.
I know he says that he wants to be with you but he can't hurt the children, or it is not the right time, or he is just waiting until the divorce is final, or whatever.
The excuses are many and are routine, rote, and common. Nothing new, nothing original, and nothing true.
How many women had affairs with married men and ended up happily married to them? Hard to say. I've never met one. Maybe it has happened a few times over the expanse of human history but changes are virtually nil that it will happen to you.
Why not step back, be honest with yourself, reflect on what you are doing to a family, to children, and to another woman. And, why not take an honest look at yourself and see why it is you are letting yourself be used by a man who promised to love and cherish his wife.
Are you so desperate that you don't think you could find a good man? Do you really think this guy is going to all of a sudden become great once he leaves his wife and family? Do you feel good about yourself when you think about what you are doing to his innocent children? Can you release selfishness and find it in your heart to live in the highest good? Can you stop fooling yourself enough to realize that this is not the way to find a great man or start a healthy and happy relationship?
Does it feel good to be deceptive? To lie? To damage a family? Do you think this man who would betray his wife and children is really even remotely decent or has any sense of integrity or morality? Do you not care that he is not trustworthy, honest, respectful, or caring?
If you are single and with a married man, open your eyes, move on, and find a truly great man.
For more on this topic please read: How to tell if a guy is a Jerk - Tip 1 - Married Men
Image from Smithsonian Education
77 thoughts and insights:
this post is not very balanced... it might ring true in some cases, but it shouldn't be sold as the one and only truth.
but what I dislike really, I don't think the "dirty mistress" should be accused of destroying a family. this responsibility goes to the man alone.
Hi Anonymous...
I'm aware that many single women come up with all sorts of reasons why they think it is a great experience to be involved with a married man... and as is clear, I know many single women who think they are the exception to the rule.
I have yet to hear one good excuse to justify why a single woman should be sexually involved with a married man.
I said nothing about a "dirty mistress." It is very clear that a single woman knowingly involved with a married man is contributing to the situation and she is responsible for HER actions, as is a man responsible for his.
I would suggest any single women who is living in a fantasy world that she is finding a great man, who is married to another woman, rethink her choices.
Best wishes to you,
Jennifer
These "relationships" just end in tears. I know someone whose in that position. Silly girl.
Hi JJ...
You are soooooooooo right!
Last I read, less than one percent of these relationships end up as a happy marriage.
The fantasy is exciting for some but reality is something very different!
Thanks for your imput here Jeremy!
Hugs to you,
JJ
Thanks Jen,
I've never been a part of an affair, but I've been hurt by people who have.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm too much of a goody two shoes. Too much of a fuddy duddy. Sometimes I wonder if maybe by living by the rules I've set up for myself, that I've denied myself so much pleasure. Or fun.
Your post is very affirming for me. Thank you.
Chris
Hi Chris...
Ahhhhh living an honorable life is nothing but wonderful and noble!
I know what you mean though... our society seems to be sending the message that healthy committed relationships are nearly obsolete, almost unimportant.
The constant ubiquitous message that having an affair is normal, fun, and wildly exciting is an unhealthy fantasy harming many a relationship.
Reality is, an affair leads to pain, sorrow, heartache, and often, the destruction of a family.
In truth, I believe one can never be truly happy living a lie, harming others, cheating on those you love, living a life of deceit.
You, my friend, are living a decent life by holding onto what is important... honesty, concern, decency, and a sense of virtue.
My wish is for you to feel a sense of peace and goodness as you know that your honorable choices are worth your weight in gold!
Warmest wishes and big hugs to you Chris,
Jennifer
Hi Jen, most stuff I read about is about 'normal' married men affairs. I wish i could read about the others. For example, I was 25 and involved with a wealthy man 47 years. I got involved with him when i was young and foolish and wanted to have some fun and experience the high life. I fell in love with him, stupidly so. Now i hate myself for it. I was with him for five years and i dont even know why. I hardly saw him, honestly we hardly lived the 'high life', most of the times i saw him, we spent in his apt (he lived in another state and had an apt in the state i lived). I guess he fulfilled some father/mentor issues that i have. I'm still trying to get some closure on the affair. To come to terms with how STUPID i was- not why i did it, it was for fun, to see the other life, but why it went on for so long, why was i so stupid.
I have just recently found myself in this situation, however it is a little more complex. My husband cheated on me with a family friend of 8 years. He only did this at the end of 2006. However the damage to our relationship was irreversible and we ended up divorced 2-1-2007. When the affair proved temporary for him he wanted to reconcile with me but I wouldn't. In June of 2007( after a back injury and some medication errors) he ended up taking his own life. That was 6 months ago and i am now seeing a married man. It was by accident that we became involved and yes I knew he was married. However I am not looking for a long term thing with him, nor is he with me. I don't really know what his situation is at home because I don't ask. Right now this feels okay to me and I have no qualms about continuing to see him. We will see how long this goes and to where it goes.
I agree with you on this one - great men honor their word and keep their promises. My question is: When is a marriage over? When someone leaves? When they agree to separate? When the divorce is signed?
What about the married guy who you knew from 26 years ago who looks you up, LURES YOU into a relationship when you are vulnerable and then uses & abuses you.
Sorry that's not a woman being a "dirty mistress"
That's a married guy BEING A PREDATOR
married men should act married. it's a shame the other woman is always blamed.
Hi anonymous... (who asked the question about when marriage is over),
I have a site, The art of intimacy, that specifically discusses when a relationship is over.
You, may want to check it out!
Best wishes,
Jennifer
Hi Hester,
This post is to help women avoid the very situation you describe.
There are preditors and abusive men (as I have mentioned often on this blog). My hope is to help women open their eyes and understand the dynamics of what is going on.
Too many women seem to have high hopes only to be disappointed and heartbroken!
Best wishes,
Jennifer
Hi Anonymous...
I'm not sure if got the impression that I was blaming women.
No, no, no. I have repeatedly discussed married men on this blog... see the number 1 reason men are jerks! :-)
My hope is to help women not get swept up in hope that a married man will actually be available for her.
The reality is she is being used.
I hold that most women are strong and do not want to be in the "victim" mode. It means taking responsibility for their lives, learning from their mistakes, and doing their best to not be swayed, coerced, or otherwise vulnerable when it comes to married men.
Again, this is not about blame but taking responsibility and not putting oneself in a situation where one will be hurt.
Hope this helps,
jennifer
I never considered myself to be a mistress. I was his bestfriend, his soulmate and always will be his soulmate. No, it never worked out - only because he took his own life. He was married then separated in late 2006. I knew him a few years before anything had happened. I guess chemistry was to blame for our connection. We became good friends and nothing more to that. We started out with chat over a couple of drinks. This went on for a few months. "Just Friends". We did admit to each other that we had feelings for each other and went on from there. Yes it was an affair. As we continued we fell deeply in love we both knew we couldn't continue, we said our goodbyes. A few months later we had crossed paths again - neither of us had moved on from our feelings for each other. We continued to see each other. Few months down the track, again... goodbyes. this went on and off for about 3 years. One day, he called me and said that he had left - this I didn't know - I knew the marriage was over years before hand - but never thought he'd have guts to leave.
We pursued a real relationship and we were happy, we lived an "almost happily ever after" life. Until one day, little did I know that I was permanently never to see him again. He took his own life because he sufferred depression from the previous relationship - 20 years of hell he said to me. He did stay for the kids - the kids became his life and when that was taken from him, he couldn't cope...
I am now left to deal with a heartache of losing my bestfriend, soulmate and the greatest man I have ever been with.
Now tell me... was I that stupid girl you were all talking about?
I never considered myself to be a mistress. I was his bestfriend, his soulmate and always will be his soulmate. No, it never worked out - only because he took his own life. He was married then separated in late 2006. I knew him a few years before anything had happened. I guess chemistry was to blame for our connection. We became good friends and nothing more to that. We started out with chat over a couple of drinks. This went on for a few months. "Just Friends". We did admit to each other that we had feelings for each other and went on from there. Yes it was an affair. As we continued we fell deeply in love we both knew we couldn't continue, we said our goodbyes. A few months later we had crossed paths again - neither of us had moved on from our feelings for each other. We continued to see each other. Few months down the track, again... goodbyes. this went on and off for about 3 years. One day, he called me and said that he had left - this I didn't know - I knew the marriage was over years before hand - but never thought he'd have guts to leave.
We pursued a real relationship and we were happy, we lived an "almost happily ever after" life. Until one day, little did I know that I was permanently never to see him again. He took his own life because he sufferred depression from the previous relationship - 20 years of hell he said to me. He did stay for the kids - the kids became his life and when that was taken from him, he couldn't cope...
I am now left to deal with a heartache of losing my bestfriend, soulmate and the greatest man I have ever been with.
Now tell me... was I that stupid girl you were all talking about?
Hi anonymous,
Ahhh I'm so sorry for your loss.
My post is not to judge women nor do I believe women who get involved with married men are "stupid". Not at all.
My hope in posting this article is to help women understand that there is not a good ending to the story.
I have yet to hear of even one great ending... usually when a woman gets sexually and intimately involved with a married man, it ends up with the single woman being heartbroken and devastated, the marriage suffering, families hurt, and a lot of pain for everyone.
I'm hoping to help women make better choices.
Again, I'm sorry for your pain and wish you healing and peace,
Jennifer
i am involved with a married man. there is a connection and a bond that cannot be decribed. we are more of kindred spirits. no, he doesnt tell me that his wife is frumpy or dowdy. he doesnt even make one bad comment about his wife. he also doesnt make any excuses for "straying". we were attracted to each other..found ourselves gravitating towards each other. and it did not help that circumstances always throw us together. we understand each other really well. we have the same intellectual and emotional level. we can talk for hours and not get bored. we found ourselves falling for each other..we tried to stop it. but we found ourselves yearning to be with each other. it is not just the physical aspect..it is connecting in every aspect that brought us together. we knew that we are a perfect fit..a perfect fit that will never be. from the start we knew that what we had was unsustainable..we fought really hard to stay away form each other. we knew we were being unfair to his wife and to ourselves. it was an everyday struggle. now, he is about to leave and live in another country. we finally found a solution to the "problem". put thousands of miles in between us. it is heart wrenching, the pain is indescribable. i thought i was the only one in pain..then he told me that it is more painful for him because he will forever have that question if he is with the right woman. but he is man enough to stand by his commitment..and he will forever honor that commitment. i know and feel that he loves me and that is the agonizing part. we both know that the feelings are real..deep and so real. and yet..we know our place. it is so easy to judge other people when you havent been in that situation. never in a million years would i imagine that i will be involved with a married man..but it happened. one could argue that there is always a choice. but it was my heart who chose. yes..it is really painful. but you know what..i am grateful for this pain because it tells me that i am capable of loving and being loved so deeply.
let us be careful in making sweeping generalizations. life is not simple. it is not all black or white...good or bad. there are complexities that are hard to fathom.
Hi Anonymous,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
I'm sorry for your pain and wish you peace as you go through this very difficult time.
As I stated above, my purpose of this post is to be clear that having an affair with a married woman virtually always ends in sorrow. (Your story supports this point, even though you do not regret your experience).
I do understand the experience you share, your story is the one I hear over and over. I say this not to discount your experience at all but to be clear that the dynamics you experience are the ones most women express.
The truth is, we do have choices. We can control our behavior. We have the ability to make decisions.
Yes, life is complex and not at all black and white however we can have standards, we can live with honesty, we can decide we will not betray the ones we supposedly love. We can live in harmony with the promises we make and be true to the agreements to which we commit.
If one lives in an open marriage, and if a couple agree to include others in their relationship they are living in truth and honesty.
However, when one spouse betrays another, when one lives in dishonesty, when one cheats and dishonors his or her loved ones, when one degrades and humilates her or his devoted spouse, they move into a realm that most people find unacceptable and hurtful.
I hold to the belief that marriage is to be honored and our spouses and families respected.
If a man (or woman) is unhappy or wants to break his or her promises, or is in love with another woman, then the honorable and respectful thing to do is to get a divorce, not lie and cheat, and degrade and humiliate one's wife.
Again, I truly do understand your story and am very sorry for your pain.
I hope other women will read your story and realize that as I stated in my post, if a woman decides to hook up with a married man, there is not going to be a happy ending.
Thank you again for sharing your experience.
I wish you peace,
Jennifer
There is suffering in life some due to circumstances out of our control and unfortunately some due to our own hands. Life is hard enough dont go through more than you have to.
I'm in a relationship with a married man but I too am married. We both met a few years ago but never really persued anything because of our relationships.
He and I were both getting married and while I married for love, he married for loyalty of having a baby. As time has moved on, now 3 years later, we find ourselves reconnected. We never lost touch but we've become great friends over the past 6 months. He too doesn't talk bad about his wife though I know she doesn't totally complete him just by some of his stories and unfilled dreams that he mentions.
On my side, we've just grown apart, thus making it easier for me to stray.
While this guy provides and fills a void in my life we both cannot commit to eachother because of our families. There are kids invovled and other people we care about regardless of how they treat us. I guess you can say we are both loyal to the families but not the marriage at hand. While we both admit to have strong feelings we try to hold back because we both know that we can't go further. We both know the consequences should we get caught but are very careful and limit the time we do spent. But we can't avoid how we feel.
I know your posts says that these situations usually end in a bad way and while i know my odds of that happening are high it's almost as if we can't help ourselves. Even when we try to create more distance or space, we keep wanting more. How long this will last, not sure? I will say that we have been good friends and having him helps me understand areas in my life where there is lack of support from home and vice versa.
The outcome is inevitable and while my brain says I need to let go, my heart just can't.
I too am involved with a married man. I have been for about the last year. We have broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count. It seems that everytime we try to do the honorable thing and STAY AWAY from each other, some how we find our way back...
I agree with what Jennifer has said. I am so in love as is he with me, but I am constantly in so much pain. To be with someone that you love for a few hours, and then to watch them walk out your door and go back to someone that isn't you... a family that isn't yours... the pain is indescribable.
I want so badly to end this. I don't want to hurt anyone else more than we already have (meaning him and me at the very least). I am trying so hard to let go forever this time. I have to. For my sanity. For his family. For our futures...
I know that I can't just turn the love I feel off. That's unrealistic. So I'm going to have to think with my brain and not my heart. I'm going to have to overrule myself to NOT pick up the phone, to NOT email, to NOT reignite the passion that's there. It has to end, or it's going to kill me. I cannot keep hurting like this.
To everyone that's currently involved in an affair with a married man, my heart goes out to you because I'm there, and I'm hurting right along with you. And if you're not hurting yet, you will. Give it time...
And to anyone that's thinking of getting involved with a married man, or to any married man that's thinking of getting involved with another woman - Don't do it!!! It will cause so much pain for both of you even if the man's family never finds out. And it is a treacherous road that is very hard to veer off of once you are on it.
Good luck to all. I hope that I can look back on this in a few months and be far away from the situation that I presently find myself in. I have to get on with my life, before this gets the best of me.
Love,
-----------
Hi J,
You are so right!
Life is hard enough without making it harder!
Thanks for your thoughts!
Jennifer
Hi Anonymous (June 13),
Thank you so much for sharing your experience here.
I think the pain you express is experienced by many, many women who hold onto the hope that their lover will leave their families.
But deep inside they know this won't happen.
They are stuck between holding onto hope or living with the pain of breaking up.
But as you so eloquently state, after a while the fun and excitement leaves and the relationship itself is painful.
I so appreciate your thoughts... I hope many women read them and take them to heart.
While the pain of letting go of the hope and the relationship is real, the pain that will come when a husband is caught is going to be worse. And, it will happen.
Thank you so much and my best wishes to you,
Lots of love,
Jennifer
Hi Marie,
Thanks for writing!
You said you know you should break it off but your heart can't.
The reality is, affairs are powerful. No question about this. For many the fun, excitement, wild and crazy sex... all of it is enticing. But we don't need to let those powerful emotions overtake what our conscience or sense of deceny knows.
Most people involved in an affair are not thinking about the pain and suffering they will encounter when the affair is brought into the open, when their partner figures out what is going on, and when they have to explain what happened to their children and loved ones.
One must weigh the pain and heartbreak with the momentary pleasure; the sorrow and destruction of families with the fun.
The thing is... the pain is going to come. It always does.
Best wishes to you Marie,
Jennifer
Just a question...how many women do you think would be posting or advertising the fact the married man they had a relationship with eventually left their wife and is now living happily ever after with them? NONE I suspect.
You only ever hear from the women who had bad, unhappy endings, or from those who know of the bad, unhappy endings of their friends.
No one has any real idea how common affairs are with men (very common, according to several counselors I know). I would be willing to bet more men leave their wives for other women than we will ever know.
The women and men living happily ever after have no reason to read this blog, and no reason to post the fact they had a happy ending after an affair.
It's a statistic no one will ever know because those happy people have no reason to share their story with anyone.
Hi June 30 Anonymous,
Thanks for commenting.
Actually, there has been some excellent research on this topic and my post is not based on comments from readers but on a vast amount of research.
I posted an article today, July 1, that may clarify some tendencies and sexual strategies to help explain why married men do not leave their familes for a mistress.
Best wishes,
Jennifer
I can understand the situation you are talking about after reading today's post.
Thoughts on the man who is no longer bonded with the wife, the marriage has been on the skids for many, many years, they are no longer partners, and he is gracefully separating and working towards divorce. I think these are the underground affairs we don't hear about at all. The man bonds with another woman because the wife and he have become "unbonded." This is the situation I think marriage counselors encounter more often than not.
those who are not able to experience it may think that its easy to get away from it but when you are in it, its too hard.
But you should be fair: to yourself and to the one you love.
If you want to be respected, respect yourself first. Dont do things that might ruin your reputation. If it means depriving yourself from your own happiness yet will do good to you in the long run, sacrifice.
If you really love a person, you should do whats best for him/her without stepping others toes nor ur own toes.
Faith is a very powerful tool, my dear friends.
"You must have been a fool to fall in love to a married man", that’s the very first thing I heard from my best friend when I told her. She was very disappointed. I am not bragging but most people think of me as very fortunate. I was able to got my degree from one of the best universities in the country with flying colors, I have been into beauty pageants, and I may have not come from a wealthy family but we are one of the well-respected in the community.
We've been working together for almost 10 months. He is the Operations Manager and I, on the other hand represents the owner on his behalf in all business transactions. So we ended up being together most of the time, business planning and handling suppliers and customers, even eating among others. As time goes by, we got closer and started to share to each other our problems, our joys and even the smallest things that have been going on with our lives. I become closer to his family too.
Just 3 months ago, he told me that he was attracted to me but he also made it clear that he was not expecting me to feel the same. (We have 17 years gap) Though I already know I had the same feeling too, I never admit it to him because I don’t want to start anything between us. Yes, his wife is away from him. And they just comunicate thru phone calls. He admitted that he misses his wife a lot but he explained to me that it has nothing to do with him falling for me.
I know it, he just said it so that I won't feel that he is using me to fill the emptiness in him. Though, I am hurting inside I remain to be as firm as I could.
After his admittance, nothing has changed. We both act professionally and casually as if everything is going on just fine. Exactly a month has passed; I have to make a decision which would eventually change my life. This is in connection with my career. He is the only one I can turn on to that time since I'm away with my family and he knows best my work situation more than anybody does. And it is during this time that I really felt his presence. And it also the time when we both fall for each other even more.
Trying not to show my feelings for him was very hard to do and every time I tried to convince myself that he is not the right one for me, the more I loved him. After another month, he told me that he not just like me but he already loves me, this time I felt his sincerity. I already felt too weak to deny my feelings for him because I know that deep in my heart I loved him, too.
At first, we made it clear that there can be no intimate relationship between us. Even though being friends is all we could ever be, we know that we love one another and we are always there for each other anytime. He knows all my plans and he wants me to succeed. He is looking forward to the day when I reach my goals and have a family of my own.
I always admired him. He is a smart, very good person, a decent man, and a good father to his children. Though he sometimes told me how hard it is to be both a father and mother to his children, I never heard him complaining nor blaming his wife about it. I saw how he is able to manage his time on his work, family and being the head of 2 organizations.
A month has already passed, and our feelings for one another grow stronger. We found ourselves sending messages most of the time when we are not together, we inform each other our whereabouts, and we remind each other to eat on time, greet each other before and after we slept and other irrelevant messages. Things seem to head to another level of relationship and we ended up breaking our agreement.
When people seemed to notice us, I told him that we'd better stop but he refused. I explained to him everything. I told him that if he loves me he will not allow my reputation to be ruined, and then he finally agreed. He told me he was not ready for it so he filed a leave of absence for one week. To no avail, when he came back we ended up being together most of the time because the worked doubled up due to his absence. And the presence of one another made us both really feel uncomfortable. We cant help it, we were back again.
One day, I learn from a friend who happens to have known his wife's best friend that he is not communicating her anymore. The news really makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to hurt his family. I don’t care for his wife, but I love his children and I can't bear to hurt them. And most of all, I love him and I don’t want to confused him. He has already been dealing a lot now; I don’t want to add up to his burdens. I am scared that one day I may find myself not able to get away from it so I finally made a decision to seriously end every thing. This time I never told him anymore, I just do it my way. I never communicate to him unless it is business matters. It seems that he understand what I am doing, he had also created a distance between us though he still sends me sweet messages sometimes. Yes, each day that I try to get away from him, the more I miss and love him. And that makes me pursue my decision to finally quit my job. Since 2 months notice before resignation is required, I still have to go on and dealt this feeling everyday. Faith is the only weapon I am holding now to keep on standing. Each and every time I felt like kissing and hugging him, I hold my Rosary too firm and I find it very helpful because as days goes on, I was able to control myself. I know this feeling may linger in my heart for too long but at least I was able to do what is good for us. God is with me, He will put things in proper place? I had already been healed by time for several instances, there is no reason I cant be healed this time.
Like Anonymous(June28), I never felt to be his mistress. All I know is that I am his girl, his woman and his friend.
My long time girlfriend cheated on me with a married man with 3 children and left me over it. Now they are together and the wife has moved out and filing for divorce. He has repeatedly shoved her in the wife's face and even taken her on trips planned with for the family. I think of it as a double-rebound with no possible happy end. How can two people start a normal relationship by cheating on BOTH of their partners? Seems like huge dysfunction and denial to me. How much could they possibly "love" each other after 2 months? Any predictions on when the bomb will drop? His wife is moving on and says no to working things out.
Hi anonymous,
Ahhh sorry to hear this. :-(
You are right... this is not any sort of way to start a good and healthy relationship.
At two months, these two are in the "attraction" phase of the relationship which as I have stated many times on this blog really has nothing to do with love.
The endorphins are pretty powerful but this is not love... not at all.
Of course I can't read into the future but I'll bet you a chocolate bar that this realtionship will not last... it will become more and more messy, more painful for the children and in time both of these people will deeply regret their choices.
Once those endorphins stop flowing and they wake up to real life, they will realize the harm they have caused.
Again, sorry for your pain. Take good care of yourself and find a great woman with higher standards!
Warmest wishes to you,
Jennifer
I’m Thai. I met my ex in a chat room. At first I didn’t know if he is a doctor-scientist working for a well-known university in SF. I didn’t know about his civil state. He told me his name was Dave and was single. We started a relationship. Two years later I discovered he was married. And his name was not Dave. Also he lied to me about his age. I forgave him.
He then confessed that he wasn’t happy with his wife. I cried a lot because I KNOW it’s wrong. I asked him to stop our relationship. Then he started taking me to see houses and lands and said he would marry me. He said that he wanted to buy a house and move to my country after divorce. He asked me to "bare with him", he would divorce his wife and move to Thailand" He said "We will buy a house in Chiang Mai, I love you (my name)" "You are the best lady" He said those to me when I found that he was married and wated to stop. How stupid I was!! I believed everything he said. We didn't fight. No sign of breaking up. Nothing. How would I know if he was bad? never know who to trust!!
I thought he would leave his wife like he said, but it never happened. He met a new Thai lady, a scientist, that he likes and dumped me. She is his subordinate working in the same lab. She knew and knows he is married. Also, she knows about me but she doesn’t care. He wants her and she wants him. I don't know what to do. I love him and have been waiting for him for many years. We planed to be together after he retired. We have seen many houses and lands. He met my parents and friends. Below was the e-mail he sent to me…
“I am at the meeting – will chat with you tonight – 12 hours difference
I have something to tell you that will make you angry and sad
I don’t know what will happen with us, but I met a lady in January that I like.
All I will say that she is Thai and a visiting Ph.D. scientist working at ------- right now. I did not plan this to happen but it did and I don’t know what to do now.
It will take months to know what will happen but I want to tell you now.
I feel very sad about this. I will chat later, have internet today.”
Then he said I am not his type of lady. I’m short she is tall. She likes playing sports. Also, he wants her because she can help him with his work. He knew who I was since the first time we chatted. I was not a scientist. It took him 4 years to know who he likes. He asked me to find a new boyfriend. He asked me to wait for him too, but I feel that he would never come back to me. She is there, closer than me, and he said he couldn't stop seeing her.
I want him back so badly but do not think I still have that chance.
When he left me...I was so destroyed, I didn't know what I was going to do. No job, no money, nothing. It took me a long time to move on with my life. I loved him so much that all I wanted to do was to make things better. I don't know where it went wrong, but it just did. He told me he still couldn’t divorce his wife so couldn’t marry me. But recently, his new girlfriend just post on her blog that they are getting married at the end of this year.
It’s been over a year since my ex and I end. Friends tell me I should hate him because he cheated on me and end our relationship. I forgave him. So here I am with a broken heart and would like to give love another chance, but worried that feeling for him may block any chance of happiness again. 4 years is a long time to be with someone. Will I ever be whole again, will I ever find love or the company of a good man? I was in love that time and still, and got so hurt by the affair. I vowed to never do that again.
Hi Anonymous,
Ahhh I'm sorry to hear of your painful situation. :-(
Thanks for writing!
First, yes you will feel love again and life will get better. I'm sure of it.
Having said that, the grieving process is not an easy one and it sometimes may feel like there is no end.
But there is. The more you take care of yourself the more you will begin to feel better. But the truth is, after a break-up there is a period of grieving and one just has to go through it to come out at the other end. Allow yourself to feel all those difficult emotions and just notice them and let yourself move beyond them.
I've posted a lot on how to make it through a break-up so I invite you to read those articles.
You sound like a woman who has a huge heart and can love very deeply. The good news is that you will find love again and it will be fabulous. The bad news is that the pain of a break-up may be more intense.
But keep holding to the knowledge that you will feel better, OK?
Unfortunately your story is one I hear often. Women hold onto the hope that a married guy is going to give up his family but it rarely turns out this way.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Hopefully it will help other women realize the pain that will inevitably result by hooking up with a married guy.
As you can attest, there is only unhappiness ahead.
Blessings and hugs to you...
Jennifer
Thank you very much Jennifer.
Hi Anonymous, (8-22)
You are very welcome. :-)
Warmest wishes to you,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
Based on your experiences, do you think how long will it last if a married man leaves his wife to marry his mistress.
I have seen many of them are still happy together.
I have a friend who her husband is getting married his 2 years mistress.
The mistress is her husband's subordinate working in the same company. Before he met this "other woman", he had an affair with an asian lady.
Do you think a married man will leave his wife is he fell in love with the other woman?
Will they work out in the future?
What are the statistic of a men leaving his wife for his mistress?
have just ended an affair that lasted 2 years. He found me on the dating site, where he never told me he was married. When we actually met - I thought that I finally found HIM, the ONE! He revealed the truth 2 dates later. Too late for me - I was too excited about him and decided to just be with him for whatever period of time - I was enjoying myself too much. Over the period of time I've gotten so attached and felt soooo in love - I could not imagine my life without him. I was extremely available to me. I was to call him basically any time I wanted to, he introduced me to many of his friends ( also cheaters) and kept on showing his 'care'. I got presents, I got attention, we went on vacations together. I kept asking him - "What kind of marriage do you have if you are not affraid to lose it by 'showing me off' everywhere. He never answered. I never heard him say anything bad about his wife. Last summer I got fed up and made him choose "her or me". He cried, told me that he can't leave his daughter. Then.... he sent me a letter where he was sending his everlasting love to me and appologized that he can't give me happiness that I deserve. He dissappeared for 3 months. 3 months of agony for me and just when I was about to be a bit 'ok' about it - popped up again. That lasted another 9 months! More vacations, more time together, more time among his friends. In August we went Vegas for 5 days. On September 19th he told me that his wife had a baby. He was with me at night while she was cut via C-section in the Hospital. He told me that he always wanted to have 2 children. I was devastated. I was disgusted. I felt like I am dealing with the monster. He just wanted it all. He did not care about either me or her or his children for that matter of fact. I could not understand... "If you love her and want to keep on having children with her - why are you always running away fron her to spend time with me? The answer is simple - he wanted to have it all, that selfish bastard!!! 2 years of my life, being totally commited to him. I just cut off all communication with him. I am just sooooo mad, but hurt soooooo deeply at the same time. Girls, please don't start having affairs with married men, but if you did... END IT!!! RIGHT NOW!!! They don't have a back bone, these people. These men are only after their pleasure. They don't care about your loneliness, about your feelings about your hopes. They are here to use what is being given to them.
i was young and not so experience in the dating world, even though i've been in some relationship nothing i truely call love. I met this guy, 7 yrs older than me in college, in my first psychology class. At first i never thought serious of him, he sat with me after second week of class. at first we just talked, we flirted a little, but i never knew this would eventually lead to anything serious. Time went by and i knew i had feelings for him, it was like a crush thing. I told my friend about him, since she sat right next to me she had figured what he was up to. Next thing you know he found me on myspace and we started to message each other everyday. at the time i still had no clue i was involve with a married man, with a kid!. i Really started to like this man, we never hung out until the day of the exam. as soon as we hung out, i Knew he was the one, the one i will always love and cherish. little did i know this was the man that broke my heart and shattered all my hope and dreams i had.
i did notice him wearing a ring finger so i brought up the gf subject and he later told me they had broken up, (OMG WHAT A LIAR!)
He went on vacation back to cali for a week and every single day we would talk on the phone for hours, even 7 hrs the last night he was there. I have to admit He made me so happy, everytime we were together he would always make me laugh. Well anways me and my friend were searching on myspace and so i decided to put in his so called ex girlfriend name and his last name, surprisingly i found her page fill with there wedding photos and their happy family. i was in shock i completly freak out thinking i'm in love with a married man. I knew i had to end it fast and quick, but how stupid of me to believe him, he was telling me how miserable he is with his wife, and is only married to her because of the baby. I actually believe he was going leave his wife and be with me. I was so naive, months went on and we would hangout everysingle day, the more we saw eachother the more i knew i love this man so much. And i knew he felt the same way about me. even tho we never told me he loves me i thought i knew how he felt. The happiness didn't last long, he eventually broke it off saying nothing would ever work between us, i devasted, feeling lost and hurt. but then he would text me once every other day to see how im doing, i couldn't let him go, he was selfish, he kept giving me hope. Well not soon after, he told me he was going to move back to cali because he can't deal with how life is here. I was very sad but had no choice. Days before he was suppose to move i was rush to the hospital for complication and medication allergies. I thought i would never get to see him anymore, i beg my friend to call him. At the time doctors had told my family that i could die anytime. He never answered one call nor call back, delete his myspace and completely disappear. I felt betrayed, and disgusted with his cold heart. How could he treat me like that.
4 months past by..i was starting to forget this man, and dealing with my illness. But little did i know he suddenly appear again. Found me on myspace again, start texting and calling me trying to explain why he disappear. He said the reason why he left was because he love me and was afraid he would leave his daughter. I was such a stupid person, i actually believe his crap and we started talking again, texting each other sweetthings, telling each other how much we care and need each other. I was hoping he would say something about him and his wife, but he would always say she doesnt care for him and theyre just living together for the kid, i started to think is this the reason why hes coming back to me, is it for comfort. I love him and i still went for it. Deep down i was very hurt, knowing that it was all lies but stupid enough to still go for it because of one word Love. we kept talking but not for long he completly disappear again, all he said was he lost his phone, he ended up canceling his phone and myspace again. At that moment i instantly knew who he really was, i knew i was just his toy. someone he can go get comfort and leave me when his wife show him more love. Is been almost 2 weeks now since we completly stop talking. until today i know i will never be able to forget him, but instead of love, hatered have filled in my feelings for him. PLEASE IF YOUR THINK YOUR INVOLVE IN A MARRIED MAN, GET OUT ASS SOON AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE AT THE END HE WOULD END UP LEAVING YOU LIKE.
he never left his family for me. I;m glad he actually didnt leave his family for me because i would be one of his wife he left for another woman. He never loved me, the only person he love is HIMSELF. It was never an easy thing to leave him even after knowing he was married. As if i was blind and not using my head at all. I don't regret this experience because this have taught me to go with my mind, never with the heart.
Thank you to those anonymous readers who have shared their experiences.
My heart goes out to you!
I hope others can learn from your experience!
Warmest wishes to you...
Jennifer
Hi Tham,
Thanks for your question.
There are men who leave their marriages and destroy their families to be with another woman, yes but I really talking about men who have a mistress on the side. IOW, a woman in addition to their spouse.
Guys who have mistresses on the side rarely leave their wives. They have their family and an extra bit of sex when they want... no need to give it all up! :-( Sad but true.
Guys who have affairs typically have more affairs. It is not really about their relationship, it is about their sense of integrity and morality and decency.
Hope that helps!
Take care,
Jennifer
The guy I talked about is having his wedding on the 28 December.
Will they work out in the future?
So how can you tell if a married man is attempting to cheat on his wife with you so you can avoid it? Here's my story: I recently got a new boss. He is not my immediate boss, though. My situation is a little different because I don't work in an office. So this guy is in another part of the country. He started emailing me about sports on our work email so everything felt very innocent.Then we would start texting on the weekend about sports, sometimes he intiated it and sometimes I did. As time went on, we would talk on the phone mostly about work things and there were some work situations where we had to trust each other professionally. A friendship quickly developed but then he started to make indirect comments about me. He told a coworker something positive about my personality but didn't say anything physically yet. Then he said some comments to me about the way I look and I knew it was flirtatious I just don't know if he will try to act on it. When we are around eachother he makes eye contact with me and laughs at whatever I say but he seems to have a guard up. The problem is, I can't tell if he is going to try to say something to me about being attracted to me. I'm not 100% sure that he is but it seems that way. It would be an uncomfortable conversation that I don't want to have. I recently saw him at a sports event. He met my fiancee and they really liked eachother but a few days later he made a comment thru text about how lucky my fiancee was. I haven't heard from him since so I'm not sure what will happen next. If he does say something about being attracted to me, how do I handle it? I have never dealt with anything like this before. I think the problem is I am very attracted to him. After reading the posts on here, I don't care how attracted I am I won't hurt his family and I understand the difference between attraction and love. Please please help me so I don't make a big mistake. How do I handle this so it doesn't get awkward at work and nothing happens between us?
Hi Anonymous (11-25),
Thanks for writing and GREAT job being clear about your boundaries.
I'm seriously proud of you for your choice to "not even go there"! :-)
And, I love how you are listening to your gut! Fabulous. You are able to pick up signs that have alerted you to what is going on. VERY NICE!
So, what to do? You back off from the "friendship." You move away. You devote your time and attention to your fiance and other friends or family. You step away. You act professionally and appropriately at all times; as if your fiance is right there next to you.
If this married man says anything or tries anything, you be very clear, "I am not interested," is about enough. Simple, short, and strong. (The three "S's").
Again, big kudos for being a fabulous woman... your fiance is a lucky guy!
Lots of love,
Jennifer
Jennifer,
Thank you for the response and compliments. I have an update about this. I just spoke to a mutual coworker of my boss and I. He spent the day with my boss and said that my boss talked about me a lot. He didn't go into specifics but I would assume after seeing me recently I was on his mind. The problem is that rumors can start if he is talking about me to other employees. Fellow employees have made comments to me calling my boss my "boyfriend". They are joking but I am sure they have noticed a mutual attraction. I feel like this is affecting my relationship with my fiancee because I am thinking about it. The problem is also that I love spending time with my boss. I have never had so much fun. This is really tearing at me because then I start to feel guilty. If he was not married, I would want to be with him. You're absolutely right about avoiding him but it's making me wonder if my fiancee is right for me? Is is possible that I am looking for a distraction too?
Hi Anonymous,
I'm about to leave on a vacation but wanted to get back to you before I head out! :-)
I strongly (smile) suggest separating out the two issues.
1. Is an affair the way you want to go, and
2. Is your fiance right for you.
They are two completely independent issues... OK? Does that make sense?
So, let's start with an affair. Think through what is going to happen if you go for it. Seriously ponder what is going to happen. I'm pretty sure we can both predict exactly what the future will entail right? I'm going to be pretty blunt for a sec..but lets think through it.
It will cause a serious mess, your job may be in jepordy, your co-workers will not respect you, your fiance will leave you, the boss's marriage will take a serious hit which may or may not end in a divorce, and you will end up getting seriously hurt when your boss dumps you, because this man is not planning on leaving his family any time soon. How do I know? Because, he is like all the other bosses who hit on their subordinates for fun and a little sex on the side, mess up their marriages, then leave the affair. Right? This pattern is so popular we don't even have to second guess how it is going to play out. (smile).
Now, of course there may be a few minor differences but this is a pretty common scenario. :-) Lots of women are seriously hurt as this story unfolds.
Relationships between two people with unequal power are just not a good idea; the boss/subordinate, teacher/student, CEO/secretary relationships can be very complex and often unhealthy. (True intimacy requires equality).
OK, on to your fiance... now is not the best time to make a decision about this. Right now you are seeing his worst and your boss's best. Your emotions are probably all over the place due to the attraction phenomenon, your brain chemistry, and how these effect your thoughts.
I would invite you to step back from the boss and focus on your fiance for a while. With the boss out of the picture you can think more clearly and decide if your fiance is right for you.
And here is a little tip...(smile) if your boss wants to pursue a relationship with you, and if you decide you want to be with him and have broken up with your finance, tell him you will consider it once he is divorced. :-)
How does that sound?
Big hugs,
Jennifer
Opps... the above comment was written by me, I was signed in on a different account. :-)
Jennifer,
Thank you for all the advice. I was the one posting about my boss. I have focused my time on my fiance, family, and friendships. I realize again why I want to be with my fiance. I think my head just got clouded. My married boss is still sending me emails at least once a week teasing me about sports and things but he is copying in other coworkers not just sending them to me. I'm trying to not let it affect me. Maybe I was wrong and he was just trying to be friendly not flirty with me. It's hard for me to tell sometimes, I guess I have my guard up. I'm a little upset with myself because usually I would think a guy acting like this was a jerk. Unfortunately hes playful and fun and doesn't come off as a sleazy.
I totally agree with not to get involved with a married man. Been there done it and it turn out alful and hurting and took a long time to get over. I understand everything in the first statement of what happens because it happened to me. Yes he finally divorced his wife but also dump me after 3 years as well. We were suppose to be married and the whole nine yards and live happy ever after yeah right. You could not pay me to go out with another married man. The big saying is What come around goes around and trust me I got the same headache this woman had for 20 years or more. All I got out of this relationship was being lied and used for his own benfits. Loser is all I have to say and thank god I moved on and learn from my mistakes...... Woman out there listen to the first statement it's all true and open your eyes. You are so much better out there then being with someone who does not have the respect for their self and also for the poor wife rather she is bad or good. He should have enough respect to Divorce her before he brings someone else in to his drama and sad sad stories how disturb in the head he really is....
I think a lot of this could apply to guys that are in a serious relationship with another woman that see someone on the side.
Hi Anonymous...
Very good point! Thank you for adding your wisdom with us!
Hugs,
Jennifer
On new Years, I was introduced to my neighbors brother in law from Michigan. he was visiting his Mom and brothers. I knew him to be married, but he was not waring his ring nor was his family with him. We had some drinks and I took him to his Mom's house at 1am and he started kissing and touching. He said he has filed for divorce and should be over in 6 months. I have not dated in 5 years and I was a little scared. He got out of the car but we has exchanged #'s and have been texting and on Yahoo IM. The fantasy of the emails, texts, and IM of what sexual desires we both shared was incredible. I was in constant torment with myself. It is against what I believe, and tried to stop until he was divorced, but I couldn't let go. I got to the point I wouldn't turn my cell off, hoping he would call in middle of the night. Something told me to go to internet and find his case and I did. It was closed and parties had reconciled. He never told me. Even when I confronted him, he said he didn't know what I was referring to. Finally, he said he wants to explain. I didn't like the explanation and I called his wife. I felt if he got away with me, it would be someone else. Part of me regrets it, because I can't talk to him at all now, but I know it's for the better. He will work out his 22yr marriage, or he will get a divorce. How and when does one get the other person out of their mind. He is on my mind when I awake, during day and at night? Even though I can say he was and is a loser,
Hi Anonymous (3-1-09),
Thanks for writing.
Wow... good for you for ending the relationship! Seriously, great job! I know it was not easy but you did the respectful and ultimately healthy thing for everyone involved!
I have posted a few articles on how to get over a guy.. I think they are listed in the sidebar or if not you can search for them.
I know it is not easy to end a relationship, especially if you have not had a relationship for a while. Give yourself time for those wild "attraction neurochemicals" to get out of your system, take good care of yourself, involve yourself in anything and everything that provides some joy for you, surround yourself with those who REALLY care about you, seriously reinvest in life, and I know you will be fine! :-)
Sending a great big hug to you sweetie!
Jennifer
Please I would like some advice.
My story goes like this.I new a guy at work 6 years ago.I was alone, the truth is I´ve always been, and i needed him.I fell in love but the truth is i also needed him and admired him(he was young, very intelligent i was an arquitect student and he was an engineer).I had problems at work and he always made me laugh.He gave me signals he cared, not that he was in love , but that he cared.
I began to like him the more time passed the more I liked him.He knew because i made sure he new in case there was any chance.He was upfront and let me know he had a girlfriend.(she leaved far away, and although i knew he loved her and respected her it seemed something lacked there).
I didnt pursue him but yes i liked him and he new .Months before i was going to get out of the job it seemed to me he wanted something more.I was nothing like i wanna have sx with you.But for example calling me and putting the song of heroe of enrique iglesias , or making sexual jokes,staring me firmly at my eyes...But I wanted nothing more.I liked him but my mother said dont you ever go with a boy with a girlfriend you´ll repent.When I thought at it coldly i new it was true.His girlfriend was more beautiful , more inteligent, had a better life and better job, she was better than me.I say it because its true but i think i liked him more than her and maybe that is why he thought a bit about me.We never had intercourse it was just a bit of flirt.
The day I got off the job I told him, if you ever change of opinion make me a reverted call.It was just a way of letting him know that if he wanted he could contact me later and a reverted call was a good idea because he finded difficult being direct , we always comunicated through clues or strange ways.From the moment i went out of the job till now 6 years have passed I´ve received calls ( reverted calls) and other calls that ask for names( he called me with a special name)that only me and him new.It can only be him.
What does it all mean.He must be married now , he never wanted anything serious.Maybe he would have had sex but it was because he saw me so in love.I saw his girlfriend pregnant but I dont know if its his child( chances are they are married).
I still have feelings for him but I managed to stop having contact with him.He knows I found it tough to stop having contact with him ( I´m a bit obsessive).WHy does he calls me its hurting me.When I think I dont remember him anymore i get focus i job .I begin to see other men as possible I receive that strange calls that reminds me all over again , and fakes a possibility.
I think its just because he cares , he maybe always cared as a friend about me.But it hurts me because I cant stop from thinking if he really loves me.( which is stupid because if he did he would be up straight about it and wouldnt play all this games).
If one day when I get the phone he stops playing games, putting music( I told him to present me with a song ) and says hello I´m ....,.What must I do?
When I said if you ever change of opinion make me a reverted called I meaned , and I think he understood=if you ever breakup with her and want to come with me , call me.I just wanted him to come to me when he was free.
I met a man one day. I was recently seperated and he SAID that he was also. We talked about our experiences with out ex's and we clicked really fast. Quickly after I became pregnant by this man. He came around weekely but never spent any real time with me. I was happy to take any time I got with him. I was divorced and wanted to be loved and I thought it was going to come from him. I never met any of his family and never came around his home. He said since him and wife seperated he had to move in with his mother. He was very unsupportive during the pregnancy and was not there when I gave birth. 2 months after our son was born he told me he was still married and living with his wife. I was crushed but still thought I loved him and stayed with him 6 more months. I couldnt figure out what was keeping me with him because I hated myself for what I was doing to his wife. Plus he had no respect for me and used me for everything that I had. He took complete advantage of me and allowed it because I wanted him to be around our child. He then decided he didnt want to be in our childs like at the time. He said he will sigh the birth cert and tell his family when he is ready. He said I needed to understand that our child was concieved while he was married so he couldnt be around for him. I dont understand, him being married didnt stop him from getting me pregnant and sleeping with me for almost a year and a half. But being married was going to keep him from his child. He said his family was going to look at me as a home wrecker. I understand I found out he was married a while after we started seeing each other but when I found out I continued to see hi,. This man talked about his wife to me about how he hated her and wanted to be with me. But when I started closing my legs and wallet he all of sudden started to love his wife. I feel so taken advantage of. Its a horrible feeling. Makes me have no respect for men. Can someone tal to me about this, some advice or something. I welcome all comments.
Hi Anonymous 3-9,
Thanks for writing!
I'm with your mom on this one! :-)
I don't think this guy is worth your time, not even a minute. Maybe it is time to move on, let it go, stop answering his calls, and get on with finding a great relationship!
This guy is never going to be there for you, you know this right?
What do you think?
Hugs,
Jennifer
Hi Anonymous number 2 from 3-9,
Ahhh I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. In fact, it is the exact reason I started this blog. WAY too many women find themselves in a similar situation and it is heartbreaking for everyone!
I have a few posts on this blog that address the pain of leaving an unhealthy relationship, you may want to check them out.
Basically, it sounds like this guy is not going to be around for you at all. I get the impression that as you stated, once you were no longer allowing yourself to be used by him he wants out of the picture and there is really nothing much you can do unless you want some financial help and take him to court for support. It may not be a bad idea.
Right now you need to take care of yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship, acknowledge your difficult circumstances, and the pain you are struggling with. IOW, it is ok to feel all the emotions you experience.
Then take care of yourself and your baby. It is a good time to really concentrate on being as healthy as you can, physically and emotionally. Raising a child is no easy task and doing it alone is even more difficult. You need all the strength you can muster right now.
Find some support groups in your area, perhaps within your faith tradition or a community network.
Now is probably not the best time to worry about another relationship... it takes time to heal from a painful one and you have a lot to do to manage your situation right now. Take the time you need to work through this experience OK?
You will get over this guy and life will go on. You can be thankful you got a beautiful child out of the relationship and then be thankful the guy is out of your life now that you know how he really is.
My heart goes out to you... take good care of yourself sweetie,
Jennifer
So I suppose Im just another stupid woman as well. I apologize in advance for the long post....
Ive known my guy...correction, HER guy for over a year now. Neither of us were looking for this or anticipating it. We met at a function and had some mutual friends. We were friendly for a while and it was all completely innocent- just talked about life, random things, etc online and without either of us voicing it, basically started going to functions solely because we knew we would see each other there but still, there was not a single inclination that something would come from this. Naturally, as time progressed we came to realize that we really liked one another and the obvious attraction. We started going out to bars/clubs, having a good time and nothing physical happened. One drunken night, he tells me that he thinks im amazing and that if he was available that this would be an entirely different story. We ended up sleeping together that night and by sleeping, I mean passed out drunk. Never even kissed yet. The next day, we talked about it and he was very upset that he disrespected his wife, etc. While the behavior was inappropriate, nothing had ACTUALLY happened yet. We agreed that we would stop hanging out but it was a bit late as we both confessed our mutual feelings for each other. You must be thinking, good idea, stop it before it gets worse and before the feelings develop even deeper. I wish I could go back to that day now and walk away. Things continued to get hotter and hotter until we finally got physical almost a year later. We ve exchanged ILU's, talk for hours everyday. We try to stop and its a vicious cycle now. I feel so helpless.
The thing is... I know he has never cheated on his wife before. I got to know him as a person for a while before this "relationship" came about. Theyve been together thirteen years and have no children. He says hes happy and loves her but cant explain these recent actions and course of events. Everyone is quick to bash these guys but I truly believe that he isnt a bad person but that we both made a stupid decision and ended up falling each other. I guess this is all so cliche but he really is the one and its unfortunate that i even let myself get to the point where i know he is. Itll never be. Im trapped and I wait in suspense for it to all fall apart. :(
-Miss Glutton for Punishment
never date a narcissist or sociopath. and anyone that can manipulate you between feelings of hope and i forget the other extreme.
I have a husband who is having an affair with a woman he met at his 30th high school class reunion. They never dated in high school. He won't admit to the other woman but I do know for a fact. Everyone that I know including my councelor tell me to ride the storm because it will never work out with her. It has been going on now for 7 months. Is it true that it won't work out and the affair will stop? How much longer will this go on? Do high school reunion affairs last? She lives way across the country and they have only met twice since Oct. Most of their afair is over the phone and on email. I have two children and we have been married for 15 years. I have been really hurt by his actions. The children have also been hurt because he has not spent time with them since Oct. He is always working late(on the phone with her) and he won't go anywhere with us as a family. Will he come back? Is it worth waiting for him?
Hi Anonymous 4-5,
Thanks for writing!
First, my heart goes out to you... I don't know how you are managing knowing your husband is having an affair while just "waiting it out". That has got to deeply hurt.
You asked if he will come back? Well, the chances of him leaving you, then marrying her and living happily ever after are very slim. Most men who have affairs are ok with a mistress on the side but in the end won't actually leave.
But, in the mean time you are living with a man who has basically mentally if not physically (not being there for you and your children), left your family, hurt you, while having his affair.
IMO, this is seriously NOT OK.
As a therapist, I can't imagine giving the advice to "stick it out" or just do nothing and wait hoping your husband will return. Hmmm... I find it very strange actually. (Most therapists don't really give advice, especially this kind). But again, while it is true the affair most likely will fade away over time, (could be years) in the mean time he is hurting your family, destroying your marriage, and causing quite a bit of damage to your relationship. In addition, there are affairs that go on and on and on, so who knows how long it will last. (It is not unusual for an affair to continue until the "lust" phase of a relationship is over, which can last up to two years).
How long should one put up with a spouse's affair? IMO, not for one day.
In addition to my strong feelings regarding the harm of affairs, I'm not a fan of secrets, lying, and deception within marriage, all of which exist with an affair.
Your final question, is it worth waiting for?
Again, personally, I can't imagine how anyone wait around hoping an affair would end while ones children, marriage, and family are suffering. But this doesn't mean your only choices are to wait and hope, or to end the marriage.
I think a much more healthy and appropriate approach would be to address the issue. In fact I think it is the only way to heal your marriage and move on.
My heart goes out to you sweetie...
Big hugs,
Jennifer
Hi Ms GfP,
I'm so sorry I missed your comment until now. Thank you for writing!
I agree that all men who have affairs are not monsters, like all of us we make mistakes, exercise poor judgment, and engage in unhealthy behavior.
Still, affairs are filled with lies, deception, humilation, and cruelty. People can justify it, rationalize it, minimize it, even deny it yet the truth is affairs are about selfishness and putting ones own ego and desire over the love they have for their spouse, and the commitment they made to their marriage.
You sound like you wish the affair would end, am I reading this right? You feel trapped in the affair but know it is not really what you want?
If so, I would offer my support to you to help you find a way to end the affair. Right now, as you know (smile) you are in a relationship that will never be what you ultimately want. This man will not leave his wife unless she finds out about the affair (which she will at some point) and leaves him, but even then he most likely will NOT want to continue your relationship. Ultimately it is a no win situation for you.
I realize ending an affair is not easy, but I also know it is possible and you can do it. I would offer the idea that the sooner the better and to take some time to ponder your life and what you really want as you go forth.
My best wishes for you,
Jennifer
My dad had an affair with my mom's best friend. They were discovered and my dad left. My parent's marriage was not good. My dad and the other woman were married a month after the divorce was final, and they have been married now for 15 years.
They still love each other. They have helped each other become better people. We were all hurt my dad did this to my mom, but my mom had problems too- they were both to blame for the sad state of their marriage. My dad did not leave the marriage in the right way, but sometimes things just happen.
In the end, I am happy that my dad is happy. My mom was hurt, but recovered in time. She has told me she is much happier single now than married to my dad.
Life is short. You can't help who you love, and if you get a chance for happiness, you should take it. I believe if my parents had stayed married, just to stay married for the kids- it would have destroyed them both, and us kids. Us kids, (4 of us) knew they were not happy, and wondered why they didn't just get divorced.
Living your life as a lie- to try to fake your way through a marriage, does no one any favors either. Sometimes an affair is the wake-up call both people need, to see that the marriage is dead and it is time to leave.
Finally kids are smart. They know if you are really happy or faking it. I was happier to see my parents finally own up that they were not happy, and admit they should be divorced. It took an affair for that to happen, but it what was needed for my parents.
Children live what they learn- if you are in an unhappy marriage then leave, and work on making your life happy. That is what kids need- happy parents. Otherwise, don't be shocked in 25-30 years when your kids are stuck in the same type of marriage you don't have the courage to leave.
It is so hard to lose the only love/soulmate you feel you may ever have. Back in college, I was sure that I had found the love of my life. What we had was so real that I was afraid to believe it was true. Anyway, a guy who pretended to be just an innocent friend to me became sort of a stalker who made threats to me that if I did not leave my ex-fiance he would hurt or kill him. I noticed him always watching my ex and I was afraid of what he would do. One day after leaving class, he threatened me and forced me to leave a note on my ex's car breaking up with him. My ex was hurt and could not understand what happened and why I broke up with him. I ended up leaving college and moved back to my home State.
A few years later I found out that my ex had a one night stand with an ex of his was pregnant and he was getting married--his Mom is a Minister so baby without marriage =no, no. He had waited a couple of years after I broke up with him to date again.
Then 6 years later, I found myself browsing a website that reunites classmates and saw his name. I emailed to ask him about my college roommates’ (who were relatives of his) whereabouts and I wondered how he was doing. At the same time, I received an email from him through a different site that reunites classmates. He asked me if I remembered him and said he wanted to say hello and wondered what I had been up to over the years. I was immediately frozen. How could we email each other on the same day and at the same time after 6 years of no contact? To make a long story short, he is married with 3 kids and I am married with 3 kids. I am ashamed to say that I still love my him and he says that he still loves me. We sacrifice that love for our families, though it is very depressing for me. I can't speak for him. We have been in touch via email/telephone since the 1st day we emailed each other(8 years ago). A few times we tried not to contact each other for long periods of time (which once lasted 7 months, the other times, a few days at most).We always end up emailing and talking on the phone for long periods of time throughout the day and on several evenings. I recently got separted and am filing for divorce--reasons not at all related to my ex. Now I am nervous because I just found out that I will have the opportunity to see my ex for the first time in 17 years at a convention. I feel like I shouldn't go but also feel that I just have to go. He and his wife planned to divorce but I don't know if that is the case anymore. I know they had issues in their marriage not related to him and me for quite a while now although he never speaks of it. I told him I would step back and not communicate with him so he can try to make things work with her but I am so in love with him that I have not been able to cease contact and he says I don't have to. We have also become business associates in a mutual business. We really didn't have the most supportive spouses and are very different from our spouses but for me I stuck it out for the kids and because I made a commitment. Also I know he wants to be a big part of his kids lives as he is now. Unfortunately, my ex and I share every aspect of our lives and as hard as we try not to, it is hard to break contact. It somehow gives us a sense of happiness and companionship we lack by being apart. I am afraid if we see each other one thing may lead to another. We will be at the convention for a couple of days and although we promise each other that it will be all business, I don't know what we will do if we spend time without others around. We have talked on web video conferences but actually being there in the flesh may be different. I don't want to end up hurt hurt in the long run but I don't feel strong enough not to go. I thought of him every day we were apart whichw as over 17 years and once we found each other again, I did not want to be without him. Sorry so long.
my mind says stop but my heart keeps on hoping..
i know, i know.. despite all the "i like/love you" and "sweetness" stuff he's showing, he would never leave his wife, (they just got married last month)
i told him we should shouldn't go further beyond being friends because i'm not the type of person who approves cheating or ruins a relationship. he told me he respects my decision, but he keeps on calling me on the fone or walking me to my car.. (no holding hands this time though, i made it clear that friends don’t hold hands..)
still, how do i forget him if i get to see him everyday? he's my officemate by the way.. i try to avoid him, but still there's this part of me who wants to be with him--just to talk or laugh with him..
how do i kill this feeling? how can i stop???
please help..so confused..
-tala-
In some of these posts, I hear the women saying that they are in love with the married men they are seeing, that these feelings of love are too strong to resist, that they just can't seem to let go...I am here to tell you ladies: That's not love. I'm sorry, but what you are experiencing is the initial stages of lust. Lust will not carry a relationship.
Sure, there are cases where the married man leaves his wife for the other woman, and they live happily ever after. These cases are very few, for two reasons:
1) What is wrong with the man in his current marriage will still be wrong with him when he is with you.
2) It's much easier to "connect" with someone to whom you have no responsibilities or obligations.
For many men, the relationship is about the "thrill", not about love. He may tell you he loves you and he may believe it, too. The fact of the matter is, he was not willing to grow in his marriage and continue to work to keep the love alive. Chances are, if you end up with him, he won't do it for you, either.
Most women in these situations feel their situation is "different". Don't kid yourself. This has been going on since the beginning of time. We all want to feel that we are special. You are all special enough to have a man of your OWN, not sloppy seconds from another woman's household. You all deserve to have a man who is fully devoted to YOU, same as these mens' wives deserve for their husbands to be fully devoted to THEM.
The real truth is that, if these men would tell their wives what was lacking in their marriage instead of YOU, then they would be able to build a fulfilling life together. You know this, and this is why you are so eager to hear his problems yourself. Think about it. If you are in a relationship with someone, the last thing you want to hear is the details of their previous relationships. But in a relationship with a married man, you want to hear EVERYTHING. Part of it is because you want him to continue to come to you for his needs, and partly because you want reassurance that you take priority over HER. Many times, and as some of you have figured out, they are really just telling you what you want to hear to keep you around.
Need proof that this is not love that you are feeling? Mark Gangor, from the Art of Manliness Website, lists the ways you can tell that affairs are not about love:
"• Love endures long… NOPE - most affairs are short lived, when the heat gets too much or the feelings wear off, it’s over.
• Love is patient… NOPE - an affair is all about impatience.
• Love is kind… NOPE - what is kind about stringing someone on, not being devoted to them, and two-timing them?
• Love is never envious or jealous… NOPE - an affair is filled with lots of envy and jealousy.
• Love is not proud… NOPE - an affair is nothing but a pit of pride that both people are swimming in.
• Love does not rejoice over evil but rejoices over truth… NOPE - adultery is sin, sin is evil. It’s built on layers and layers of lies and deceit, not truth.
• Love does not seek its own way… NOPE - an affair is extremely selfish.
An extramarital affair is not about love. It is about pure selfishness… period. Nothing about an affair is love. Real love sacrifices and puts the other person’s interest first. Putting another person’s marriage, family, life, and their very well being in jeopardy just for your own satisfaction and selfish needs is not love.
Don’t deceive yourself: an affair is never about love. Self-serving lust? YES! Love? NOPE."
I would just like to say this site has helped me out quite a bit. My husband just kicked me and my kids out recently. He wants a divorce. He started talking to another women before he even told me he wanted a divorce. He said this other girl has nothing to do with it. I don't believe him. We have been together 11 years and have two kids. This is very hard for me. He is so in love with her and they finally just met over the weekend. He works with her over the phone. Since meeting her he is unwilling to go to counseling or do anything to make our marriage work. I have tried to talk to her before but she doesn't belive me about anything. What do I have to lie about?? He is the one lying to her. He recently came out to where I am living on a business trip. We had sexual relations. If absolutely is in love with her and doesn't want to be with me, why does he want to have sex with me? I am very hurt over this other girl that stole my husband from me. She is very dishonest, has no morals, and she even KNEW he is married. She is nothing but a girl to me. They both need to grow up. They need to stop being selfish and realize what they have done to my family. It is unfair and extremely inappropriate. How do I deal with my husband now? Should I back off and try to let them be happy? Why should she get the best of him when I gave him 11years and two kids?
My husband is living with his mistress..and has started a new life wth HER....and we are still married...Tomorrow I go to the lawyer to start divorce porceedings...SHE will be named..and yes SHE can keep him...(she thinks he is wonderful, though he is GORGEOUS he is no man...only a liar and cheater)...and they can be a happy lieing couple..and may they cheat happily ever after forever.
I made the mistake last year of becoming involved with a married man. The good news is that I came to my senses and I realized that my few moments of lust were not worth ruining a family over. I have not been with him for over eight months now and I have completely ended the entire relationship myself. I had to do the right thing and I feel horrible that I was so selfish. I will NEVER,EVER get involved with another married man again unless he is married to me. It's just completely wrong to do it so please don't. Just walk the heck away.
Several years ago a friend introduce me (by email) to Brian Christian Kanz of Rapid City, South Dakota. We correspond for some time, then he come to visit me in Italy. He ask me to marry. February 2008 we marry and he return to USA for service in El Paso, Texas. And he forget me. I do not know he alive until I receive the divorce document November 2009. Of course, he is so stupid, he completely spell my name incorrect and I must many Italian bureaucracy repair this to divorce him here. On Facebook I meet the second wife of Brian, Jennifer Kanz-Lafuente of Pierre South Dakota, and she tell me how he also abandon her and the four small children after the arrest for touching a young girl and to look at the child pornography by work. I wish to warn all woman to avoid this man as so much pain he cause me, his second wife, and his poor children.
So, what do you do when you're like me and attract only married or otherwise unavailable men? I'm almost 34, still single, and the only men who pay any attention are the ones who can't or won't commit. I've tried dating sites, and they go nowhere. I'm tired of being alone and tired of being used and tired of being a potential homewrecker, but it's married or nothing right now.
i am from Kenya and got onto the internet to search for help in reaffirming the decision i have made, to walk away from a married man and his wandering lust. And all i want to say is THANK YOU JENNIFER!! You are doing a noble and wonderful thing for sooo many of us confused, lonely women looking for Love. We ought to be constantly reminded, encouraged and supported to look for it in the RIGHT PLACE and its NOT WITH MARRIED MEN!! I have fought for about five months now, and for all the right reasons but today i realise that i will NEVER again judge a woman for being weak and succumbing to get involved with a married man. Like i was told by my sister and a good friend, it is never a happy ending, and your blog has confirmed it. Thanks most specially to ALL THE CONTRIBUTORS! I am now going on a very difficult journey of letting go 'cold turkey'. I know it'll be hard because i tried before last month, and it wasn't easy and i failed. I will not fail again. I deserve better, and I know there's a great man waiting to find me out there. I will need to pray often, and 'hold onto my Rosary for strength' as someone said, but I will succeed like i have in so many other areas in my life. Thank you Jennifer and all you phenomenal struggling women out there. Married men succeed because 'we let them'. We can do better!!
I am one among the women online victimized by a married man. I am lucky enough to discover it much earlier. The tips i have read here online on how to detect a married guy does really coincides with his symptoms. I like the guy... but i know my limits esp after knowing where i stand. I am not a fool to succumb and to continue this foolishness.... so to everyone inlove with a married man... leave him coz u will never be happy with him...
I would also like a answer to your question, i am in the same situation. Only I am 31, but still.. Everyone is so willing to judge women that are in love with married men. Would it be better to stay with the man that verbally or physically abuses you, then be with the married man that treats you perfictly. And the advice that your husband will come back to you and not stay with the mistress, what kind of sense does that make. If he wanted to be with you then he wouldnt be cheating so why would you want him to come back? And it will break up the family? I grew up in a house that my parents stayed married for the kids, and i am sure so have a lot of people. The memerories are not the "Brady Brunch". Staying together for the kids is the wrong answer. So i will agree with you that untill a single mr. wounderful walks in the door i will keep the married man that i am in love with and treats wounderfully. I am not nieve that the likely hood of us living happily ever after is slim, but there is always hope.
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