Have you ever met a thirty year old guy who seems like he is still twelve?
Or a fifty year old man who is trying to be thirty?
Sometimes guys*, as they move through life get stuck. They may continue to age but developmentally they remain caught in a particular developmental stage of life.
Now, to be very clear... I am not talking about people who retain a youthful attitude, remain healthy and alive, who live a vibrant life, or who look and appear younger than they are.
I'm talking about a psychological phenomenon consistent with developmental theory where men* get stuck in a phase of life and do not move forward, mature, and/or live an emotionally healthy life.
Let me expound for a minute.
Psychosocial development is a theory articulated by psychologist Erik Erikson dividing a human life span into eight distinct stages.
Very simply, during each stage of life, a person has specific problem or challenge to confront. Erikson calls each challenge a, "psychosocial crisis". The person will either complete and master the challenge, or remain stuck in the stage which results in an unhealthy approach to life in the future.
In addition, each psychosocial stage has a focus or a main question that must be addressed. When answered appropriately, the person moves into the next phase of life. If the question is ignored, not answered, or answered inappropriately, again the person may become stuck resulting in limited ability to move forward through life.
Erikson's eight stages are as follows:
1. Infancy Birth 1 1/2
2. Early Childhood 1 1/2-3
3. Play Age 3-6
4. School Age 7-12
5. Adolescence 13-20
6. Young Adulthood 20-45
7. Adulthood 45-65
8. Old age 65-death
Since we are concerned with finding a good man, let me address the final four stages more specifically.
During Adolescence the crisis is, role confusion versus identity. In other words, a boy is trying to figure out who he is. You may notice grown men still acting like teenagers? This is a result of staying stuck in this stage of life. Not really being able to find or identify himself, he may indulge in all sorts of attention getting behaviors or even unhealthy behavior as he tries to figure out who he is.
During Young adulthood, a man is learning how to make a commitment to another as a spouse, partner, or parent. During this time he faces a crisis of, intimacy versus isolation. For those who manage this crisis they are able to have a healthy relationship, commit to one person, and have an emotionally intimate partnership. For those stuck in this stage, they seem unable to make a commitment, they may hold onto their childhood life, they may not feel ready to be in a relationship or marriage.
Adulthood moves one into a phase of life where they find value and joy in being productive. The crisis is one of "generativity or stagnation", meaning that if a man doesn't find value in his life through family, career, and community he will be left with an empty feeling of stagnation, which may lead to depression.
Finally, Old Age (many psychologists have moved this stage to a much later time in life), is the time when adults review their lives and either feel a sense of accomplishment and enjoy a life lived with integrity, or if they are unable to manage this, they feel despair for a live not lived well.
The stages of life may not be like an arrow, direct and clear but may be more circular in nature, meaning we adapt and adjust as we grow and mature. However, generally, it is felt by most therapists that the idea of moving through life appropriately and healthfully means we expand, move forward, adapt to each new stage of life with dignity and grace.
Grown men who remain stuck in Adolescence are not ready to make a commitment or have a healthy relationship. Similarly a fifty year old man who still doesn't know how to create a productive life may be unable to be an emotionally mature partner to a fifty year old woman.
While we all learn and grow at different rates, noticing the big red flags that wave as we see men getting stuck in a psychosocial developmental stage may help a woman realistically come to terms with what is possible in a relationship with a particular man.
A man who has gone through the developmental stages appropriately brings a maturity and emotional health not seen in those who are unable to master the particular challenges of life stages.
*Yes, psychosocial developmental stages apply to women too!
Or a fifty year old man who is trying to be thirty?
Sometimes guys*, as they move through life get stuck. They may continue to age but developmentally they remain caught in a particular developmental stage of life.
Now, to be very clear... I am not talking about people who retain a youthful attitude, remain healthy and alive, who live a vibrant life, or who look and appear younger than they are.
I'm talking about a psychological phenomenon consistent with developmental theory where men* get stuck in a phase of life and do not move forward, mature, and/or live an emotionally healthy life.
Let me expound for a minute.
Psychosocial development is a theory articulated by psychologist Erik Erikson dividing a human life span into eight distinct stages.Very simply, during each stage of life, a person has specific problem or challenge to confront. Erikson calls each challenge a, "psychosocial crisis". The person will either complete and master the challenge, or remain stuck in the stage which results in an unhealthy approach to life in the future.
In addition, each psychosocial stage has a focus or a main question that must be addressed. When answered appropriately, the person moves into the next phase of life. If the question is ignored, not answered, or answered inappropriately, again the person may become stuck resulting in limited ability to move forward through life.
Erikson's eight stages are as follows:
1. Infancy Birth 1 1/2
2. Early Childhood 1 1/2-3
3. Play Age 3-6
4. School Age 7-12
5. Adolescence 13-20
6. Young Adulthood 20-45
7. Adulthood 45-65
8. Old age 65-death
Since we are concerned with finding a good man, let me address the final four stages more specifically.
During Adolescence the crisis is, role confusion versus identity. In other words, a boy is trying to figure out who he is. You may notice grown men still acting like teenagers? This is a result of staying stuck in this stage of life. Not really being able to find or identify himself, he may indulge in all sorts of attention getting behaviors or even unhealthy behavior as he tries to figure out who he is.
During Young adulthood, a man is learning how to make a commitment to another as a spouse, partner, or parent. During this time he faces a crisis of, intimacy versus isolation. For those who manage this crisis they are able to have a healthy relationship, commit to one person, and have an emotionally intimate partnership. For those stuck in this stage, they seem unable to make a commitment, they may hold onto their childhood life, they may not feel ready to be in a relationship or marriage.
Adulthood moves one into a phase of life where they find value and joy in being productive. The crisis is one of "generativity or stagnation", meaning that if a man doesn't find value in his life through family, career, and community he will be left with an empty feeling of stagnation, which may lead to depression.
Finally, Old Age (many psychologists have moved this stage to a much later time in life), is the time when adults review their lives and either feel a sense of accomplishment and enjoy a life lived with integrity, or if they are unable to manage this, they feel despair for a live not lived well.
The stages of life may not be like an arrow, direct and clear but may be more circular in nature, meaning we adapt and adjust as we grow and mature. However, generally, it is felt by most therapists that the idea of moving through life appropriately and healthfully means we expand, move forward, adapt to each new stage of life with dignity and grace.
Grown men who remain stuck in Adolescence are not ready to make a commitment or have a healthy relationship. Similarly a fifty year old man who still doesn't know how to create a productive life may be unable to be an emotionally mature partner to a fifty year old woman.
While we all learn and grow at different rates, noticing the big red flags that wave as we see men getting stuck in a psychosocial developmental stage may help a woman realistically come to terms with what is possible in a relationship with a particular man.
A man who has gone through the developmental stages appropriately brings a maturity and emotional health not seen in those who are unable to master the particular challenges of life stages.
*Yes, psychosocial developmental stages apply to women too!
Also note, the ages presented are recent adaptations to Erikson's original theory given humans live longer today.
4 thoughts and insights:
Hello,
Good blog. I like your article because I was involved with a man like this. The relationsip was difficult on and off for 6 years. He was an alcoholic. He was often depressed. Looked mostly to me for support and consolation.
He was undecided, he did make a commitment(unfortunately not a marriage proposal I hoped) but it took a long time. Then he decided to leave as he was confused. He is having a hard time to leave his single life. When he gets tired of being alone, he looked for me. We tried again after that, but now it is really finished. The relationship was not going anywhere and always talked about the future like I'm not there. I am sure one day he will look back and regret it. He is 37 now , single and I am wondering when is he going to shape up and be a man. When is he going to be tired of this celebate life and settle down for real ? How does a woman make a man like this commit without doing anything to try to change him ? These men are babies, and he did have a teenager kind of character. He made me laugh and smile, warm, kind, respected me but he was emotionaly unstable and cannot talk about how he feels or what's hurting him. Except when he was under the influence of alcolhol. Then he stopped drinking and never said I love you and less affectionate after that. It still hurts alot today and I feel sorry for him. Any advice would be greatful. Thank you
Pati
> Or a fifty year old man who is trying to be thirty?
Whats wrong with that? Better physical shape? More alive?
Hi Anonymous 2-28,
It is great for us to try to keep in shape, to stay interested in life, to remain vibrant and healthy! No question about this. I hope all men and women do what they can to be the best they can be.
The problems come in when a guy doesn't mature, and can't handle moving into the second half of his life with grace.
But again, we all want to be healthy and vibrant!
Thanks for writing,
Jennifer
I'm impressed.. Just came upon your site accidentally. I'm a psychotherapist in Baltimore, mostly working with women, teenage girls and couples and I will recommend this. The question "What happened to Feminism?" reminded me of "I'm not a feminist but..." or people like Camille Paglia or Maureen Dowd so I was glad to see you used that to show girls and women how much feminism is still alive and necessary.
Too many women are very quick to give credit to men for their successes. We will be healthier and stronger people when we can also give credit to women who are strong people...and there's a growing number today, in spite of the history lesson you provided of how far we still have to go. Thank you Jennifer for a great site that deserves to get a lot of attention. You sound like a wise woman. Patricia in Baltimore
pwpw63@yahoo.com
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