You know you are in an unhealthy relationship. You want to get out. You want to move on with your life, but, you feel stuck.
Just when you feel you can't take it any more, the guy gets all nice and sweet. He brings you flowers, tells you how wonderful you are, and, well, maybe things will be different.... until the next time.
How many times has the cycle gone on?
How many times do you want it to go on?
When will enough be enough?
The truth is, we are not perfect human beings. We make mistakes, we learn and grow, we struggle through life. And, relationships are not always wonderful, full of joy, and the fairy tale version of happily ever after.
Relationships take effort, patience, care, forgiveness, respect, and all the other things we know are required for a healthy relationship. The fun and wonderfulness ebbs and flows. This is normal and healthy.
What is not normal and healthy is a relationship where the underlying dynamics of it are abusive, hurtful, filled with anger, and damaging to one's soul, emotions, physical and mental well being.
Most women know, even if they do not want to admit it, when they are in a unhealthy relationship. They may recognize physical signs of frustration, exhaustion, and depletion... always feeling like they are walking on egg shells, never knowing when there will be another incident. They may recognize emotional signs, perhaps feeling uncertain of themselves, being withdrawn from others, feeling weak, lacking self-confidence, or even depression.
And more significantly, they may get that little nudge inside telling them that things are just not right.
What to do?
There are three choices.
1. Continue on, and struggle to survive an unhealthy relationship which will most likely continue to get worse.
2. Get some intervention and help. Counseling is a great idea. Couples often find attending seminars, conferences, and programs designed to support healthy relationships, valuable. Reading books, literature, and research may help give ideas to stimulate changes in a partnership. In other words... serious work.
3. Leave. If the first two choices are not options, leaving is the only alternative.
Getting out of a relationship is not always as easy as it seems. There are emotional, financial, and physical attachments that bind. There are patterns that must change. There is the reality of possibly facing the unknown. There may be a whole new life ahead.
What is most important if you are in an unhealthy relationship, is to recognize it, admit it, and decide how you want to manage it.
Once you are firm in your awareness, you will be more likely to find a way to face the challenges that may come.
Get support, be safe, and live a healthy life!
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43 thoughts and insights:
Mike Paahana is a jerk he used me jus for sex den dumped me he said he was going to leave his gf Justine but never did
Hi Michele...
I'm hoping you got out of the relationship and have moved on?
You don't need anyone who is cheating on you or just using you for sex!
Good luck to you,
Jennifer
Well Michele maybe you shouldnt sleep with a guy that has a girlfriends!!
Hi Anonymous...
Yes... I'm not sure from Michele's comment which girl came first.
Either way, it sounds like an unhealthy situation for sure.
A woman should definitely not sleep with another woman's partner.
And a guy who is using two women is just NOT a good man!
Thank you for your comment!
Warmest wishes,
Jennifer
Hi, I am looking at this site right now and finding it very helpful. I am with a jerk; an emotional abuser and I just want out, but I've just lost my job, so now have to wait till I can find another one. He just doesn't get it, screams at me constantly, wants to be waited on and thinks I'll never leave.
This is a *really* good post - thank you so much for writing it! I was in an abusive relationship with a man who has Borderline Personality Disorder and is also an alcoholic. For the first year I didn't quite know exactly what was going on - it was like trying to walk on unsteady moving ground. Then I got to thinking that he had some kind of mental illness. I did my research and came to the conclusion that he was a borderline. Anyways the horrible relationship continued to the point where he was sporadically violent culminating in him being sent to prison for 3 months where they offically diagnosed him as a Borderline. I felt vindicated. His stint in prison helped me deal with all of the issues that I had bottled up as I had developed Post traumatic stress disorder. Having that space to process my emotions and think about everything was a life saver. I spent too long trying to 'understand' what was going on and why he acted the way he did when in reality I should have acted sooner to protect myself. In some ways I needed to feel that all my hope for him was gone before I could leave as well. Learning about his personality disorder did help me with that, but one of the keys to help me move on was to literally pretend I was deaf. I kept telling myself "Don't listen to his words, pretend you can't hear them, what are his actions telling you?". By looking purely at his actions I could no longer cling on to the hope inside of me that was being fed by his words because his words were never fully matched by his actions.
I don't really know why I'm staying, I don't live with the guy anymore, I really do love him, but realize that the relationship is unhealthy but everytime we break up it breaks my heart, and I need to go back.
It almost feels like he is home in a way. We have also been together for almost four years (my first long term relationship) and I am very close to his family and his very young daughter.
We break up a lot, and he never has really asked me to come back. He is happy that I do, but is indifferent. We get into arguments all the time. A lot of it is a power struggle (i.e decorating when we lived together, things we do on our shared days off)and now its more about how I "nag" I know he is a jerk, but I can't break myself emotionally from him. What should I do?
Hi Anonymous from April 12,
Thanks for writing!
Congratulations for being aware and knowing the guy you are with is not for you!
This is the first step to getting out of an unhealthy relationship.
Now, what to do...
You seem to know you are dependent on this guy right? The way to become independent of him is to become strong.
Let me ask you a few questions:
What do you love to do? What sorts of talents fill you with enjoyment? Who can you help and serve? What people are in your life who could brighten your spirit? What can you do with you time and energy that can help you feel whole and not so needy?
Only you can answer the questions but the stronger you become the less you will feel needy. The more you fill your life with goodness and healthy endeavors, the less you will feel dependent on a not so good guy.
Basically, you are stuck in a unhealthy habit and it may take some time to break your routine but I know you can do it! I'm sure of it!
You are smart and a deep thinker and are able to listen to yourself to know your spirit, heart and mind are not benefitting from this relationship so I know you can move on!
Take each day at a time... fill your life with all those good things that bring you peace and happiness K?
Warmest wishes to you,
Jennifer
I've been in a relationship with this guy for almost 4 years. The first year was exciting. It was the first time I really loved anyone. I had great self esteem before we met, but that slowly dwindled to nothing. When I still had sense enough to leave, I tried to, but he would tell me I was wrong that I had low self esteem and that he was the best thing I ever met and that our relationship was unique. To relieve the stress I would just agree. I put up with lies, vague excuses, being stood up so many times. He drove by my house every day for work but only stopped by to see me once a week, then for sex and he immediately left. It was hard to make time with him as he had many friends and was always busy, but would become irrated if I had plans when he called.
I decided to go back to school, moved away and thought I would break free, but nightly phone calls from him lasting at least an hour was another form of control. I broke up with him, it was the last straw. We were talking on the phone and he noticed one of his friends and told me he had to go cause they hadn't seen each other in two days. I told him, " You havn't seen me in 3 months" "Do you ever plan to come visit me?"
I emailed him a letter telling why I was leaving and I blocked his email address and changed my phone number. 3 months later he text messaged me begging me to call him. I did although I was well into becoming a whole person again. To make a long story short he moved to where I was, in with me and its been pretty much hell ever since. I've spent holidays alone while he leaves town to be with friends. I 've discovered more lies. I've become bitter and I lie and do things to hurt him the way he hurt me. He won't address the real issues. I tell him why I am hurt and he tells me it is in the past. How convenient for him and how un-resolving for me. We tried counceling and really thought we could clear the air, but he yelled at the councelor and me saying " I do not have to atone to anyone".
Now I just want out, I don't need to blame him, I don't need his approval I just want to leave. How do I just leave without him pursueding me to stay like he always does. He has even gone so far as to grab me and physically restrain me until I agree with what he is saying. I don't like the bitter depressed person I've become.
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for writing!
You are an amazing person and seem very clear that you need to get out.
I like how you can see how the relationship is affecting you... very insightful!
OK, you were really close once, so you basically know what you have to do. You did everything right, right up to the point you responded to him. (smile)
Based on your past experience it seems that he will only leave you alone if you cut off all communication with him.
Now here is my concern, this guy sounds like he may not want to take no for an answer. You said that he has physically restrained you which tells me that he may escalate his persistance. This worries me so be very careful.
If he gets angry or starts to threaten you make sure and get a Personal Protection Order.
Also, keep track of all of his behavior; keep a record of what he is doing as you break off communication.
OK, now, here is what I want you to do. Hold an image in your mind and heart on how it feels to be in a healthy happy relationship. Visualize how loving and free it feels; really imagine everything you can. Fill your mind and thoughts with the emotions of happiness and peace.
See, the more you hold to the image the less likely you will be to move into a place of unhealthiness. The more you convince yourself that you will only have a fulfilling relationship, the more you will NOT allow yourself to engage in a harmful relationship.
Does that make sense?
Be strong girlfriend! And be careful! :-)
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
I don't know BD and can't crawl into anyone's head, of course, but I confess that I did have something close to his reaction to the site, notwithstanding all the points you make. I hope you (and he) don't mind my offering him a radically different reply from yours. It is pure fiction, of course.
"BD, you may think that Jennifer is unfairly blaming men for all the stuck relationships in the world and that she should invest at least a bit of effort in helping a woman to save her relationship to the guy she's about to dump by telling the truth to him more, manipulating him less, etc. In fact, Jennifer does that a bit in her Art of Intimacy website. But this site here is more about attraction gone wrong than about relationships going right.
"This, my virtual friend, is a site aimed at women who seek the motivation to change their own lives for the better, not women who are searching for perfect fairness and truth with Mr Right Now. I don't think women visit this site looking for ways to make their already-wonderful relationships even better. I think they feel stuck and want the courage to get unstuck NOW as the clumsy, cruel selves they are today, not with the grace of the wiser, nobler beings they may become later on. What other choice do they have?
"To women who are stuck and miserable, it's always the guy's fault that the dream did not turn out as they had hoped. You know that this is true. And even if they could, weaker women often fear that even a small acknowledgment of their own shortcomings will smother their motivation to make the changes they intuit that they need to make. (That's why they dump on you when they break up; they aren't really talking to you...) Weaker women in crisis are just going to see things the way they will whether it makes sense or not. The simple fact is that if they were strong enough to see things as you or I might, they would not have that awful stuck feeling; they would have had the imagination and confidence to either make it work or else leave without regrets and much sooner.
"Women and men see these things differently in some ways that seem to be hardwired in the brain, so each sex has its distinctive sins, but the cruelty of the weak of both sexes is really the problem here. Jennifer is not helping the strong here, and she's not really helping men; she's helping the weakest women who really need clarity, even if it oversimplifies somewhat.
"So to be helpful, Jennifer's site takes the crisis point of view of the weak, with their cognitive distortions, for granted, so that she can make the case for making the change. You protest! But, my virtual friend, do you see an alternative? Just what do you tell YOUR pal after some screaming not-yet-Great Woman dumps his stuff down the stairwell because she JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TALK about whateveritwasthatwastearingthemapart? Abusing and abused humans, whether men or women, are not ready for polite dialectic. Jennifer does not try the impossible here.
"So, BD, you're right-- Jennifer's site is not fair. But it's not really bad either. It would be very good for men if women made way smarter choices of mates, and that's Jennifer's main point. A site for men that said that the answer to many a man's problems is to get free and pick a Great Woman rather than stay with some easy-to-get schemer would also do both men and women a galaxy of good, and, truthfully, it too would be a bit unfair to the mischosen ones. The battle is not between women and men, though we will always have our differences; it's between the responsible strong of both sexes and the irresponsible weak. So I'm glad that Jennifer's site at least encourages more women to raise their sights when they do move on. Maybe I'll meet one tonight, eh?
"However, some women go out of their way to choose jerks over Great Guys just as some men go out of their way to choose um... witches over Great Gals. We've all seen lots and lots of this. So I do wish that Jennifer had more to say about why so many women are attracted to men who will mistreat them, and why the same women so mistreat the Great Guys that she praises. It's a subtle balance between accepting your reader where she is without accepting the mistakes that she needs to stop to find her own happiness. But perhaps Jennifer will post more when she can?
"Meanwhile, BD about that sneaky, scheming girlfriend..."
Best wishes--and the strength to treat others well-- to all.
Hi Mark,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and insights and support! :-)
You are exactly right... my intention for this site was to help those women who struggle in relationships; the ones who can't seem to find a good guy, and never quite seem to find a healthy relationship. The ones who complain that "all men are jerks".
I try my best to address the situation from all sorts of perspectives and actually think I am harder on women than men... ;-)
I get a lot of emails and often write posts addressing a common question or concern. So, sometimes the posts are very specific and sometimes they are more general. It kind of depends.
I try to write on suggested topics so am always open for new ideas... (smile).
I have written several posts on why women pick not so great guys, and have also discussed the need to be a great women if you hope for a great guy. But I can always write more. ;-)
Again, as you point out, the blog is mainly for women struggling with relationships. I do get the impression sometimes that I get more male readers than women.. LOL!
Thank you again for your kindness, clarity, and insight!
Warmest wishes to you Mark,
Jen
I was in a pretty terrible relationship for 2 years. I've kept talking with my ex for almost another year now - daily. It is impossible to get over the feelings, especially when he still puts me down. I can really relate to a lot of the posts above. I had great self-esteem before him. Now I just can't imagine him not in my life. I'm ashamed to say this but I would have never put up with cheating back then. And I can't understand why I let it go and still talk to him. Everytime I try to break it off - being friends I mean - he makes me feel like I'm wrong and makes me feel bad for not wanting to be friends. He just puts it in such a way that it is my fault. I can't win with him. That's been a problem ever since I've been with him.
I know deep down that he isn't good enough for me. I know that. It's just so hard to cut someone out of my life that has been such a big part of it. I guess I won't know what to do without the back and forth with him. It has consumed so much of me.
I think I've really been rambling, but I just wanted to get your opinion.
Your site is really wonderful. Thanks so much. I've been reading it a lot lately and I think it has given me the courage to finally take some action. Thanks.
Hi Julie Ann,
Thanks for writing... and thanks for your kind words!
I have several thoughts for you... I'm actually going to write a post to address your situation because in the last few days I had several comments and emails with a similar question. OK?
While I hear the confusion and struggle in your comment, in many ways I think you are actually pretty clear on what is going on which is a GREAT thing. :-)
So, hopefully tomorrow I will get a post off... hang in there! :-)
Lots of love sweetie,
Jennifer
this kinda made me happy and i cried because its just so true.... my man doesnt want to take me anywhere,he shoots me down bout my interest but i have to hear his crap etc.... overall im very unhappy and i do want out........my birthday is soon and he honestly forgot my b-day......... sigh.... i guess i know what needs to be done.....just maybe today i think ill walk away for good.. thanx ladies for yall help
i have been so confused about this guy...everyday asking me where i am.. an then he calls me when i dont answer him an i tell him im at work.. i swear im sick of it then im in my class an he tells his friends to keep an eye on me... the thing is i told him i never want to go out with him again an he said ill wait for you an i said no find somebody else... he said i want you an i then told him to find someone who actually wants him... but we workd it out an now we are in a friend relationship now but he keeps pushing me to be more than friends.... i dont know what to do an i could really use some advice please....
hi i been with a guy for six years and have two kids together but he says he is too young for marriage and blah blah blah, We dont have any relationship anymore. I feel like it is one side i luv him but i feel no love back. This New Years eve he is planning a trip to Vegas with the boys and told me last minute he was going. I feel like there is no future with him and i am suck. i realize he dont love me but how do i get out!
I've been with a guy for a year and half...recently moved out after a series of angry fights and a few violent episodes. He drinks constantly, is a public icon, and I am almost always last on his priority list. I, too, after dedicating all this time to him and his young daughter, have compromised my self esteem. The good parts are so good and the bad parts are so bad. He is not willing to communicate about problems, but loves to bring flowers, take me on great adventures, parties and events. We rarely spend personal time together, and I am still having a hard time letting go of the life we lost and the home we lost...it has only been three months since I moved out. He says he wants to change, heal things, live together in the future, but flies off the handle when I merely call to check in after not hearing from him for a couple days while he is on a mountain adventure. I want to communicate daily, and I wanted to make sure he was safe. He says I am jumping down his throat and being hard on him. He regularly hangs up on me. His words and actions are entirely inconsistent. I am embarrassed to admit the emotional abuse and neglect I have endured. Advice?
Hi Anonymous,
How about this... what advice would you give your best friend in this situation?
I don't think abusive relationships are ever healthy. I don't think remaining with a man who treats you cruely, takes away your self esteem, and detracks from a normal and beautiful life is a good thing.
Having said this, I do understand why women remain in abusive relationships.
So, my "advice" (smile) is to see a therapist who specializes in abuse. If you want to change things there are professionals who can help you. I know it is not easy but you can move on if you want to create a new, more loving and fulfilling life.
Most of all sweetie, and please listen to this.... be safe. Men who are abusive tend to escalate the abuse. You mentioned that he has been violent, so trust me when I tell you it will only get worse.
I've worked with literally hundreds of abusive men and the patterns are clear.
OK, be safe. Find your strength. Listen to what you know is right for you. And most of all again, be safe.
Warmest wishes to you,
Jennifer
Mine is a question, I have been in and out of a relatinship for 3 years, we have a child together. I have moved out 2 times and tried to a third and gave in again. The first time I was 7 months pregnant and he wanted me to move out because "He didn't know wahat he wanted" basically meaning me or his ex girlfriend. I hate her she is always finding ways to come between us and he lets her. They still argue lots and I'm to the point I'm just not happy. I just don't know how to leave. Last time I tried it got really bad and I felt sorry for him and gave in. She writes him e-mails saying they are soulmates and he lies about when she wrote them. There is no trust in our relationship and I don't think there ever will be, and I know that can never work. I just feel he's keeping her on the side lines for if things don't work out between us. Am I crazy or is my gut right? It's just 10 times harder when a child is envolved, and no one understands that. What is your opinion? He's bounced back and forth between me and his ex and I feel like I know what would happen if we split up. HELP PLEASE!?!?!
Hi there!
I'm in a situation where I'm not sure if its the right decision to leave or stay. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We are literally eachother's firsts and only in a million ways. Sometimes I get so frustrated with his complete disregard for my feelings, especially when he says, "I'm not mean, I'm honest."
I literally ride a rollercoaster on a daily basis feeling one second like its time to move on, the next like I would be a fool to ever leave such a great guy. The extremes I deal with are exhausting.
But on another level, I wonder if my expectations are too high. He says I live in a fairy tale and that noone is as perfect as I want him to be. But I'm not sure my expectations are unrealistic. How do you really know when or if it is time to move on? Furthermore, what if I walk away and it was a mistake...that it wasn't him that needed to change, but me?
I need help getting my mind straight on this. Could you please help me?
Wow im so happy i found this website. im sooo tired and at loss.
last night i was fighting with my bf untill three in the am again.
i dont know what to do.
he calls me names, which i will not repeat here but believe me they are bad. He puts me down and whenever i do or say something he 'dissaproves'of, he keeps tormenting me untill i cave. untill i say: allright im sorry even though i really did not do anything wrong and even if i did do the slightest thing wrong, no one deserves to be called names and to be put down. he says: you make me puke. you are bad for my health. then he threatens to leave me and i feel lost, and i beg him not to. i panick.
then i want to leave him myself but he'll be sweet and i wont and he'll be mean again and you know it's a cycle.
what do i do? how do i get myself out i cant anymore i just cant.
Hi Anonymous 4-21,
Thanks for writing! I'm sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you! Hope my post today helps! :-)
Yes, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! I can't say this enough! :-)
See, you deserve to be with a man who respects you, who is honest, who cares about your relationship. You clearly know this is not the relationship for you right? (smile)
I'm holding a vision for you that you will be in a relationship that is truly healthy and fulfilling... anything less than this is only going to harm your spirit and your soul!
I'm cheering for you sweetie,
Jennifer
Hi Anonymous,
Yes, sweetie, I think you know it is time to leave.
I also know it is not easy to leave but I'm completely certain you can.
And, yes the abuse is a cycle and will continue, even escalate as you continue the relationship!
I want you to be safe so please make sure you have the support you need to move on with this relationship OK?
I've posted several articles on how to leave an abusive relationship, you can do a search for them but bascially you need to make sure you have a great support system in place. Get your family and friends to help you, if you need to you can call an abuse hotline, or get some counseling. Just make sure you are safe and have people around you to give you that extra help you need!
I know it seems really difficult to think of a relationship without this man but I also know you have strength inside yourself that you may not even be aware of. I'm sure of it. I know you will be fine and can manage without this guy. You deserve much better.. .right?
Keep me posted!!
Big hugs,
Jennifer
Hey I was just wondering about my ex, you seem to have really good advise so I wanted to ask a few questions. My ex was the first guy I had ever had a long term relationship with and we dated for at least a year. The first three months went really well and then it started getting worse after that we started fighting more and he always proved me wrong almost every single time (I say cause sometimes he really upset me and theres no way he was winning over that when I knew it wasnt my fault). Anyways, I met a guy a few days after me n my ex broke up and he cheered me up cuz i was feeln so down, we talked to eachother more often for around a week. At the last moment my ex came back asking me to come back to him when the other guy was gonna ask me out so I took him back cuz i really loved him. The next day the other guy came back and asked for a chance and I didn't see why not cuz he'd cheered me up and i felt i owed him. but after awhile my ex found out by snooping around, i was originaly gonna break up wit him but i was having confused feelings, i didnt wanna hurt ither of them so i stayed with them both. It eventually ended up that me n my ex would start fighting again and id run to the other guy for comfort cuz my ex would leave after the fight.
I just want ur opinion, i know i should of broken up wit my ex so long ago and i have... but I really wanna know was my ex abusing of some sort? maybe controlling? srry for making this so long lol. Just to let you know this is all online too cuz im a shy girl, i have met my current bf in rl and he is a great guy!
dear jennifer,
Thank you for your response.
A lot has happened.
The day before yesterday it actually came to physical violence.
I thought it was my fault. he said he hurt me because i was crying so hard, he said: do i need to slit your troath? he is pretending it's all me. then the next day HE dumped ME.
i was too scared to run away. then he said he was so said and wanted to hold me and say stuff while ending it. i reported the abuse to the police instead of ending it in a loving way.
he gave his neighbor a bunch of flowers yesterday...she heard everything. i know he only gave her flowers to shut her up.
i blocked his number and his email because he will make me feel guilty and feel i will have to end it on a loving note. which i cant after he verbally and physically abused me. that is not loving.
i start feeling it was my fault.
this afternoon i have an appointment with my doctor, to let her look at my jaw and arm. there are no physical signs, which is lucky but also unlucky because there is no evidence.
that's why i have decided to just report and not press charges and do it for me...for my sense of boundaries, of right and wrong, which i have neglected for so long.
someone told me i did this to myself by staying that's true, isnt it?
why did i stay? why was it so hard to let go?
love
Hey! I'll try to sum this up so u dont havta read alot. I was wondering about my ex, we dated for a year, the first three months were awsome. After that we started fighting more and more and i stayed cuz i really loved him. Then after breaking up one time a few days after, i met a guy that cheered me up when i was down.we talked to eachother more and more often over the week(usually me n my ex breakups dont last that long only a few days if even and used to be like a monthly rutine). my ex came back when the other guy was about to ask me out so i took him back cuz i loved him. the next day the other guy wanted a chance at being wit me so i gave him one, later on i had found out he'd promised himself he'd ask me out that day, but sadly didnt get the chance. Me n my ex fights continued and i started runing to the other guy for comfort, my ex found out by snooping and led to another big fight. i still thot we could work out a relationship and hed change but he never did even tho he said he would... the reason i didnt break up wit ither cuz i didnt wanna hurt ither of them and i really loved them both so much. In the end i got so stressed from fighting i left my ex for the guy im still with today. This is also all online relationships cuz im a shy girl but ive met my current bf in rl and hes great! Right now im still wondering if my ex was abusive? or controlling? He always strived to be right when we were fighting and when he upset me enough i ususally hold back and try to calm him down but it never really seemed to work, and next thing i know id be trying to win the fight instead of trying to stop it...
Hi anonymous 5-5,
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry to hear you have been so hurt. PLEASE get some help. Please! Take care of yourself and be safe.
I invite you to read my posts on abuse... I've written several and hopefully they can answer many of your questions and concerns.
Basically, NO IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Don't even let that silly thought enter your brain OK? :-) It is not your fault. Repeat it as many times as you need to!
It doesn't matter what you do, abuse is the fault of the abuser. Think about a guy who gets mad at his boss... if he beats up his boss would we say it is the bosses fault? NOPE! In civilized society the one who harms another is the one who has lost control and needs to take full responsibility for his/her actions!
Please let me know how you are... Did you call the abuse hotline? Have you found a good therapist who specializes in issues of abuse?
Often leaving an abusive relationship is a very dangerous time so please be safe.
I'm sure thinking of you and sending a big hug...
XO,
Jennifer
Hi anonymous #2, (smile)
Thanks for writing...
It sounds like you know your former relationship was not very healthy.
I think if a relationship is constantly filled with anger, fighting, and pain we know inside it is not truly a healthy partnership. We may try to convince ourselves that we should remain but deep down we know the relationship is hurting our soul!
Whenever a man is trying to control you, manipulate you, or exert power over you, you know the relationship is not one of balance, equality, genuine care or real love!
Warmest wishes sweetie,
Jennifer
i have been with my boyfriend for about three years now on and off,i met him through my best friend who he had a huge thing for! and still does although she isnt intrested!he has left me and gotton with other girls! he thinks there is nothing wrong with that because were not together which is fair enough but still i am sick of feeling like i am being used, and picked up when it suits him! we are together now but i feel i am constantly walking on egg shells, like at any momment he could decide he is bored and wants to finish it! the worst thing about all this is that this time we are actually living together (bearing in mind im 16 and he is 22) i feel alone and worthless when i am with him! this has been going on for three years now, im just wondering how long this will go on for? will i still be feeling like this in 5years time with him?? please help me!
Hi Anonymous 5-22,
Thanks so much for writing!
I'm going to be really honest with you OK? (smile)
You ask, how long will this go on and will it still be the same in five years?
The short answer is yes, it will go on unless and until you make some changes, or this guy moves on.
I think you know this deep down inside? Right?
Here is my wish and my hope for you... I would love to see you know what it is like to be truly respected by a young man; I would like you to know what a good and honest relationship feels like; I would like you to have a healthy relationship that brings you joy.
You don't need a guy, especially one who treats you like garbage. You are worth more than this.. much more!
Right now, you are young and have a whole world in front of you. You have time to get a good education, to explore your gifts and talents, to discover who you are and what you truly want.
Now is a great time to allow yourself to have fun; to strengthen your friendship and honor yourself, not to worry about this guy who treats you like a doormat. Right? (smile)
What do you think? What does your deepest self tell you?
Big hugs,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
I am in a bad relationship. At first (11 years ago) it was nice. He was so "in charge" and I really liked that but then we got married and I found out that really he was a controller. I was a doormat and still am to some extent, but now when I voice my opinion he'll tell me how stupid my suggestion is or he'll get really mad, and throw a tantrum like a two year old. I don't have any desire to work on the relationship and I just want out. Until I can get out on my own, which I am going to do by getting a job in a new city, how can I survive being with him? When he wants me to do something for him, how do I say no because I always fear his anger and the silent treatment he gives me. He is a workaholic and I enjoy having my free time to read or do whatever but he thinks I should always be working and helping him with his work since I'm not really doing anything anyway. I've had others tell me that I should leave the house and go out to get away from him but sometimes I just want to be in my house doing what I want to do there. I just need some practical suggestions to help me deal with him. Any thoughts? Thanks.
Sarah
How can I get over my anger towards my ex boyfriend?
I thought that I had, that I had forgiven him and moved on, but recently he started trying to contact me. He wanted closure, and told me that it has been really difficult for him that I stopped talking to him. Of course I didn't meet with him to give him closure. I did kind of text him back and forth a bit. He found out some things about my life because he saw some of my friends and asked about me. I don't know why they even talked to him. They said they felt sorry for him because he looks so thin and sad.
After texting him for a few days I realized that he didn't actually feel sorry for what he did. If he felt regret, it was selfish regret. He regretted what he did because it put him in a bad situation afterward, not because he cared about me or my situation.
I find myself feeling angry and thinking about getting revenge on him. I'm in a perfectly healthy relationship now, and everything in my life is going great. I started to have dreams about verbally lashing out at him and getting revenge on him and find that I think about how selfish he is too much. How can I get over my own anger about this issue?
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for writing and I am sorry I missed your question until today.
It sounds like your relationship is rather abusive. The great news is that you are aware that the relationship is unhealthy, and you are are contemplating leaving. YAY!
First, PLEASE be safe. Typically guys who have issues with control and power, (which your guy does), escalate their reactions and behavior over time, a push will become a shove, a tantrum will become violent, yelling becomes hitting, etc. etc.
What we know is that when a woman leaves this type of guy, the violence gets worse... it is the most dangerous time for a woman. The guy feels he is losing control and so gets more serious about keeping it.
So, Sarah, again, please be safe. Do whatever you have to to be safe.
I highly recommend speaking with a counselor who specializes in issues of abuse... there are shelters and hotlines in every county and you can get help and support in every way imaginable. Whether you need a Personal Protection Order, or just someone to talk to, they can be really helpful! The National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799-SAFE!
I'm of the mindset that women leave when they can. I trust that you will know when you must leave. Listen to you gut Sarah. Really let yourself know what is in store for you if you remain. You seem very aware of what is going on in the relationship and how you feel about it; being a doormat and submitting to a dominant man is not exactly a fulfilling and healthy way to live, as you know. :-)
In terms of practical advice... if you are going to stay, then the only thing to do is to keep doing what you are doing. Chances are if you confront him or challenge him the anger and/or violence is going to get worse. Again, I want you to be safe.
If however you are ready to move on and let go of this unfortunate relationship, get some support, get prepared, get a plan.
I believe the stronger you feel, the better you feel about yourself the more easily you will find leaving.
It may be that right now you feel trapped, or that you can't leave him but this is the result of being treated like a doormat not because of who you are.
I'm cheering for you Sarah... take good care of yourself,
Big hugs,
Jennifer
Hi Anonymous (7-4),
I'm so glad to hear you are in a great relationship and things are going well.
It is normal to have some anger after a breakup, particularly when on has been really hurt.
It may take some time to release the anger, but there are a few things that can help. Of course, investing your time into your new relationship is important, and taking that anger and using it as energy toward something you want to accomplish can be helpful.
What is a great idea to hold onto, to get through this is to realize that any energy you give toward him means he is still influencing you. If you react in some revengful way, you are still holding him in your mind. It is as if he still has some power over you.
How about not letting him even take one minute of your time and attention? Just let thoughts of him disappear like a cloudy day when the sun comes out?
Lots of luck,
Jennifer
For the past few months Ive felt that Im not being treated right in a relationship but then my boyfriend makes me think Im blowing things out of proportion.
About 6 months ago we split up for a 2 months. He told me he didnt love me after a year together. 2 months later he told me he was inlove with me but when he broke up with me it was becaise he didnt relise how he felt.
When we got back together, things were really good for a few weeks. From that to now, I feel like Im losing the plot.
He cheeted on me with a friend three weeks after getting back together. He told me it was his bigest mistake and we agreed to give things another go. But from that he just has contiuned to hurt me. He went away on holiday with friends in June for two weeks - I thought it was just a last minute plan but found out recently he planned it at christmas. I know that sounds silly but I dont understand why he never mentioned it before or if he felt he couldt tell me this for some reason.
He goes out with firends all the time and lies about where he is going, and then the next day will lie about where he was.
We share the same friends and I feel embarrased now because I think our friends think that everything is my fault and that Im crazy or something. They may not at all, but thats how I feel at the minute.
On my birthday in July, he got very drunk and kicked out of a niteclub my friends and I went to. He then started to fight with me in the street and call me names. The next day he said he was sorry but that i again was blowing things out of proportion. There have now been several occassions where we have been out drinking with friends and he turns really nasty on me - never anyone else, just me. He calls me names and gets violent. The next day he says that Im making it up, that Im blowing things out of proportion.
I feel like a nervous wreck. When I try to talk to him about anything, he sees it as Im starting a fight with him. He cant talk about anything.
I feel like he has one life with me but wants a seperate that I have nothing to do with.
I dont understand whats going on. Maybe I am blowing things out of proportion, I cant tell anymore. Im a constant bag of nearve trying to please him and I feel like I am always sad.
I feel like Im the one putting everything into our relationship and Im not getting a fair return.
Sometimes he can be the nicest person and says and does the nicest things. But in the last six months I have cried more times than I want to admit because of how he treats me. Im now so confused - Am I expecting too much and blowing things out of proportion? I dont know what to think anymore and Im at the end of my teather, Im so hurt.
I was in a 16 year relationship with an Alcoholic. I never ever wanted to get a Divorce, because it is/was against my values. It was really like being between a rock and a hard place. Live in a terrible, abusive marriage or live with the consequences of Divorce :-( Eventually, I ended up choosing Divorce, and picking up the pieces has been terrible - but HEALING as well. And I feel like I actually have a CHANCE - a SHOT at happiness, whereas before I was always just struggling to tread water. All in all, it's good to be out of that terrible cycle. I know that God hates divorce, but the whole situation was so awful, and I know that God carried me through the whole process. He is so faithful.
ive been in a relationship for about 6 years..on and off..and i pretty much know its a bad relationship..For about 5 years now ive been dealing with the occasional "im sorry baby it will never happen again"..i mean in an abusive way.. but to my stupidity i keep letting it happen again. He has also had a drug and alcohol problem..which every time ive found out he was using again..he said he was going to check into rehad and i just couldnt give up on him.. i was the only one he has. Everytime i get into an abusive situation the only thing that goes through my head..is why did i even let this happen again.. I feel like is my fault in some way.we also have a 17 month son together which makes it so hard. In some ways i want him to know his father..but sometimes im scared to be around him..if hes in a good mood i have a hard time resisting him and in his bad moods..i just dont want to be his target. The last time we got into a fight i ended up calling 911..and they overheard our conversation and heard him threatening to kill me..right now he is awaiting trial for strangulaion, teroristic threats and domestic violence. i just dont know what to do. ive gotten so many letters saying he has changed..i just dont think he can..and i dont want to be in the situation where im thinking "why did i let myself get into this situation again" I just dont want to fall into my old ways.. I Dont Know!
Hey Jennifer,
i have recently been in a very unhealthy relationship and i know it.. but the fact is i just cant let it go and i have no reason to hold on. Maybe it is because i just had his baby 5 months ago and i want to be strong for her and swallow the pain, but i cant handle it anymore im literally going crazy to the point were i cant even enjoy my life as a mother. He has has sex with other girls while i have been with him denied our daughter was his and when under toxication he has tried to choke me to were i pass out. His love for me doesnt show anymore he calls me a "BITCH" a "WHORE" everthing you should not call somebody you love and it kills me he attention is no longer with me and it seems like his intentions are to hurt me. But i always forgive and i know i can do better then that i just dont know how things got so out of hand but they did and now i just want to be in a healthy realtionship again and enjoy living. im only 17 years old!
Hey Jennifer,
I've been reading up on your site and everything you write is soooo true! ughh I've been looking for help and advice for a while and i think i found the best spot.. I have been in a relationship for about 4 years with a guy and we have a 17 month old daughter together.. I'm only 17 years old so it makes this situation even harder! :[ This relationship is so horrible i can go on hours and hours about it.
At first, me and him were besssssst friends, i mean inseperable, we talked on the phone for hours at a time and all night. Finally, we revealed our secret crushes which happened to be eachother. I felt like i already loved him and he was only my best friend. We finally got together 2 weeks after revvealing our secrets. at the time we were both virgins (come to find out after losing it to him he was never a virgin...) and we did so amazing for months..we finally did the deed [lol] and it seemed like everything went bad. We broke up for 3 months and i had started dating again. after we got back together though, it was allll hell from there. we fought constantly every night and till this day we still do.. it was never physical until after i had our daughter. actually when i was about 2 months pregnant we got in a fight and he punched me in the stomach..i never told anyone because he threatened me. Later on, after my daughter was born, he had left me for some girl that had crossed his path. they dated for about 2 months and in that time i tried to move on too. well...me being stupid, begged him back and finally after leading me on a ton of times, we got back together and i still had the guy that i was talking to prior to thats number in my phone.
He suddenly lost it and broke my front door, phone, and blacked my eye and i had several bruises.. the police got involved but his dad is rich so he got right out.
that was only the first major fight that was in between stupid ones like what i'm wearing or something.
the second major fight he suspected me cheating and threw my new phone on the concrete and pushed my head into his truck. IN PUBLIC! ...police were involved...he got out.
stupid me took him back..
now, heres the worst.
he threw my newer phone at my face, slicing my eye open and swelling it shut.
He threw my keys at my head and sliced open the back of my head.
..
i got away for a while and he was in jail. but he got out. and me being stupid AGAIN, took him backk!!!!
my parents didnt approve and told us to move out together..
we are living together now and i am not happy at all. I put on a fake face to my family (who he isolated me from). I have no friends anymore.
I WANT OUT.
heres the problem..
every time i say i'm going to move out, he talks me into staying and just says we are being stupid and playing games.
every day he says hes gna change but he says everything in this relationship is my fault. he thinks he knows everything. he controls what i do but if he wants to hang out with friends i let him...
every text i get on my phone he has to see it..
hes constantly looking through it.
hes trying to find dirt on me from the past before me and him were together.
we've gotten in so many fights because of the past and his hit me countless times..i haven't told anyone because he threatens to kill me and says he'll find me and then tells me that if he goes to prison he'll have people find me or do it himself when he gets out.
i'm so scared.. i feel screwed either way.
I just want out of this relationship so bad.
I don't feel any sparks anymore and i'm not excited to see him or talk to him...
I feel like i'm putting my daughter in a bad situation, but
how do i leave without the drama...
I want out safely..
I can't find counseling or anything because he's constantly on my case and i can't leave anywhere...
WHAT DO I DO!
HELP:[[
Hi jennifer, I am the one tha tposted the comment on oct. 5 2009 and i was just going to say I"m still here and waiting for your response.....
Hi Sarah,
I know I’m a bit late finding this site. But you seem to have wonderful advice to give, so I’m hoping you can offer me some insight.
I am a 24 year old, soon to be college graduate. About 2 months ago I met what I thought was a really, “great guy.” He told me he was 30 years old… we talked on the phone constantly and said the nicest things to each other, connecting in a way I didn’t even think was possible. He persuaded me to end my current relationship because we were “soul mates.” Well, a couple of weeks into the relationship, he revealed to me that he is actually 37 years old, and is divorced with two kids…yikes! But he cried and I felt really bad for him, so I decided to stay.
I’ve continued to see this man, even though I am completely uncomfortable with the situation. There are numerous red flags popping up. What’s worse is I already feel completely dependent on him. I don’t think I can break it off, even though I know it would be best. For example, I’m pretty sure he is spending a lot of time at his ex-wife’s home and not telling me about it. He’s been pretty dishonest/very secretive about that whole situation. He has started to seem emotionally abusive and doesn’t act anything like he did at first. I feel like I’ve done something wrong, because I don’t know what is acceptable for me to ask about his relationship with his ex, so I usually opt for just biting my tongue (which is starting to drive me mad.) He frequently will not answer my calls, and he has grown terribly cold. He says belittling things sometimes about my past (I have had a troubled past-drinking a lot and have slept with more partners than I would like.) He talks negatively about my tattoos, friends and interests.
I feel awful. When I am alone I feel completely panicked. And the worst part is, I don’t think I have the ability to stop seeing him. I am extremely sexually attracted to him, and I can’t stand to be apart from him (we spend a lot less time together then we did at first.) Am I over thinking things and worrying too much? My gut tells me something isn’t right.
Please help.
my boyfriend is the biggest jerk ever. i was so vivacious, happy and outgoing before i met him. he completely sapped the life out of me. i am left with no friends and a hell lot of tears. i have been so depressed thru the 14 months we have been together. i left him just now. i hope i get over it. i did really love him but, i was done with all the emotional abuse.
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