Signs of an Abusive Man and the Cycle of Violence

Are there warning signs a man is abusive? Is there any way to tell before entering into a relationship that a man has issues with power and control?

Most abusive men are not abusive all the time. They can be kind, caring, and even charming at times. Few women, as they enter into a relationship do so knowing the man is abusive and violent.

What is most typical is that a guy is sweet and wonderful until he "has" the woman. It is not until well into the relationship that the issues of power start to manifest. Why? Because the guy knows that if he is violent and controlling right off the bat, the woman will not want to be with him.

After the guy has a sense of comfort and the relationship has been established he may slowly start to be controlling. He may start to show irritation over little things, be angry that a woman is not taking care of him appropriately, show displeasure at her friends. He may want to control the finances, require certain dress, or even demand specific sexual behavior.

Women, many of whom want to please their partners, accommodate the requests regardless of how irrational they may be. We are taught to compromise and work together to keep a relationship strong but slowly, the accommodating becomes unhealthy.

At some point, the anger or irritation moves from verbal abuse to physical abuse. Possible a push, or throwing an object, or hitting a wall.

The man realizes he was out of control, apologizes, promises never to do it again and the relationship goes on. He is again kind and caring.... for a while.

This is called the "honeymoon" phase in the cycle of violence. I personally use the term "recapturing" phase. In other words he appropriate until he has once again regained the trust of his partner.

Then comes the "tension building phase, or the, "walking on eggshells" phase. Slowly the guys behavior moves to a place where the woman notices he is unhappy. He is easily irritated, he may be short and easily angered. The woman tries to please the guy and accommodate his wishes. She attempts to smooth things over and make it work. His anger and need for control intensifies and magnifies.

At this point, there may be another incident. Usually something more intense. He snaps and gets out of control. He becomes violent and abusive.

When the women decides to leave, tries to call the police, or attempts to call a doctor, the man will immediately apologize yet again. He convinces the woman he will reform, get help, never do it again.

He is great.... for a while. He again moves to recapture his victim.

And so the cycle continues. The abuse increases and intensifies, until, the abuse gets so bad she leaves, he gets into a very intense batterer's program, or she ends up in the hospital.

This very common cycle may occur once a year, once a month, or once a week, but the cycle of violence is common and predictable.

The woman tries harder, accommodates more, becomes more isolated. The guy gets more demanding and controlling.

The abuse intensifies over time.

It does not get better without intervention.

I have worked with hundreds of abusive men in my career. There is help available for those men who want to change their ways. Men who have issues with power and control can be helped but they must do the work necessary to let go of their harmful attitudes, ideas, and abusive nature.

If you are in an abusive situation, there is also help for you.

Please be safe.