Why do women stay with a not-so-great guy? Why do women stay when they are being abused? Why don't women leave when the guy is mean and rude?
I hear these questions frequently when people notice a woman remaining with a mean or cruel guy.
I also hear these questions from women in unhealthy or abusive relationships...women who want to leave but just "can't".
The answers are complex and multifaceted. Each situation differs and involves very particular and specific situations, beliefs, and circumstances.
I've worked with many women who are in very unhealthy relationships, often abusive and hurtful, so let me share a few insights.
Fear
Women often fear there will be physical harm if they leave, they will lose custody of their children, or be negatively judged by family or friends. Many women fear they will not be able to support themselves or their children, and have no where to go if they leave. Some women fear the unknown and would rather remain in an unhealthy situation than venture out on their own.
Duty
Some women believe they are failing if they give up. Others may feel they are responsible for the unhealthy relationship and do not know what is or is not acceptable behavior. Some women feel sorry for their partner or believe they can make him better and help him to change. Some women believe it is their religious duty to remain with their spouse no matter what.
Insecurity
Many women in unhealthy relationships have had their self-esteem damaged and do not know if they can manage outside the relationship. Many women are tired and lack the emotional support to help them leave. Some women are isolated with few friends or family involved in their lives. There are women who believe they will not find another man so better to be with a horrible man than not have a man in her life.
Irrational beliefs
Some women don't leave because they keep thinking things will get better. After an incident, when the guy apologizes, things are great and a woman may be hopeful that things will be different. Some women feel ashamed to admit the relationship is not working out, or they may feel guilty because her partner has made her believe his abuse is her fault.
I'm a very strong advocate for relationship and healthy partnerships (see my site on The Art of Intimacy). I believe most couples can work through problems and create a great and fulfilling relationship IF they both do the work necessary to heal the problems. I'm not one to give up on relationship until everything possible has been done to make them strong and healthy.
Having said this, I am also for keeping women safe, and for supporting a woman's decision to leave if her relationship is harming her. This is not easy for most women.
For those women who are in unhealthy relationships, listen to your heart. Take care of yourself. Be safe.
6 thoughts and insights:
Yes, I got into one particulary abusive relationship where I accepted violent treatment.
He threw the base of our cell phone at my thigh, bruising it.
I spoke horribly and teased him about his "dead mother" to try and hurt him.
He pushed me out of a slow-moving car. I fell to the gravel and looked at my scratched-up hands.
Thank God I got out of that one alive.
I still have visions of reclining in the tub, imagining the day he could've come in and shot me in the face with his .380 automatic with the hollow-point bullets.
But Jesus prevented all that from happening.
It's so easy for folks to say, "Just leave!"
Back then, I didn't know my worth and value in Christ.
Now I do.
Now I pray for him to be saved.
And life is so much better away from all that.
In the words of Edgar Allen Poe, Lord willing, "Nevermore!"
Dear Jennifer, finding a good partner is difficult not only for women but also for men. But your advice to women gives the impression that it is all men's fault. I have always considered myself to be one of those decent guys you talk about, but ironically I would not want a woman who sees relationships the way you do. You seem to promote the view that whenever a woman is happy or unhappy, it is a man who is responsible. Being with such a self-centered woman would be suffocating for any man. Women have come a long way on the road to emancipation, but women are still bound by their own thinking, by their insistence on clinging to the traditional belief that their happiness depends completely on getting what they need from men.
Hi Paula... ohhh sweetie, I'm glad you got out of that relationahip! It sounds like it was increasingly dangerous! :-) jen
Hi Kennett... thanks for your thoughts.
I'm not sure what has given the impression that if a woman is unhappy it is the guys fault. This is certainly not anything close to what I believe. I am ALL about women and men taking responsibility for their relationships and their lives, and believe I have made this point quite often... and the reasons I started this blog. Rather than women complaining about guys, my hope is to help women take some responsibility for their choices!
I have a very clear note in the sidebar stating that many of the tips equally apply to men. I dont know how to be more clear. This blog is intended to help women find great men hence it is directed toward women. But obviously many of the tips and ideas are equally applicable to women.
I'm also at a loss as to how you got the impression that this blog encourages self centeredness. It is ALL about women NOT being self centered and noticing the great men that are out there. It is all about looking at the good qualities of men and NOT selfishly focusing on the wrong things, or using men.
Hmmm... If there was anyone who is an advocate for women (and men) to find their happiness within, it is I.
I'm not sure how to be more clear and am sorry you have so dramatically misunderstood this blog. I will certainly take a look at my posts to see if I can be more clear.
I do appreciate your feedback and wish you well... :-)
Jennifer
but what if its a male that is the one subject to this sort of abuse?
Is there a way to get a guy to put more work into the relationship? Stress is a big factor in my relationship problems, and I want to believe it's going to get better but I don't see how... My guy says he's trying but I don't see many results. Am I just not patient enough or what?
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