Ladies....
If your self-esteem is strong and healthy, you are less likely to be used by men.
Contrariwise, women with low self-esteem and feeling of insecurity and worthlessness are often vulnerable to the use and degradation of not-so-great men.
Over and over I see young women with low self esteem who think that if a guy gives them attention it means they are valuable. Or if they have sex with a guy, then he will love them. Not so.
There is a big difference between a great man wanting to be with a woman, and a not-so-great guy wanting to use whomever they can find for an hour or so.
For thousands of years woman have lived in a world where their value is dependent on their sexual worth to men. We need to let this archaic idea go.
You are valuable because you are a human being. Your worth is dependent on your humanness. Regardless of the views of men, you are important and essential to our world. You have unique talents, traits, and ideas that have nothing to do with how not-so-great guys view you sexually. Your worth is not dependent on a bunch of guys who want nothing more than someone to take care of their needs.
Here is what often happens...
1. A woman lacks self-esteem, feels unattractive, worthless or unappealing to men.
2. She feels horrible about herself and thinks she is not worthy of a great guy.
3. She takes unhealthy attention from any guy who is in need of sexual pleasure.
4. After being taken advantage of, her self-esteem plummets. She feels sad, used, demeaned.
5. Her experience supports the idea that she is worth nothing so she becomes more vulnerable to not-so-great guys.
6. She really wants a guy to give her attention to help her feel valuable so she gives herself to whomever gives her a glance.
And so the cycle continues.
How does a woman break the cycle?
You strengthen your self-esteem. You decide that you will not be taken advantage of again. You become strong and secure. You let go of the idea that your value is dependent on your sexual appeal to guys. You take back your strength.
I'm not suggesting it is easy. In truth it is often most difficult. But, until a woman decides she is not going to be used, she will continue to be vulnerable... she will continue to get hurt.
Those men who use you are not the kind of guys you want to be with. They are not the type of men who make for a great husband or long term partner.
There are great men out there who want a healthy and happy relationship. There are great men who won't take advantage of a vulnerable insecure woman.
19 thoughts and insights:
I know I was being used by a man I have been with for 12 years. It does not hurt any less when he leaves. He yelled at my daughter and called her names. and right noe I am cryimg my heart out for a man I know in my heart was just using me, but I can not get over him, it hurts more thasn I can bear and I do not know what to do It has been one week and I want to hurt him the way he has hurt me. He owes the Irs 10000.00 and I could give him the papers to get him out of trouble but I can bring myself to do it aI want him to hurt the way he has hurt me and then I am the one who feels bad Like ZI am this rotten person because I want he tro suffer the way he has made me suffer. I did not know what to do with myself I am crying so hard it scaeres me I want the pain to go away and IO want to ge thim out of my mind and I also wabt to stop loving him and I want to keep loving him and I want him back and I do not wangt him back I am so up side down I am losing it.
Hi Kelly,
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience. My heart and care go out to you. Ending relationships are one of the most difficult times in life even when they are not healthy.
Let me share a few thoughts with you K?
First, if a man is cruel to your daughter, you are doing the right thing to let him go. Our children should be our number one concern and you must protect her from any harm or abuse. Be strong for the sake of your daughter.
Right now, you are in the midst of the pain of grieving. Grieving hurts... it is painful and it does make one feel crazy. The pain often makes us unable to see an end, or even to know how to proceed.
Know this... the pain will subside. It will. I promise. It may take some time to heal, to find yourself again but you will get through this. I'm sure of it.
What happens is that when we are in pain, we want the pain to end and our subconscious will do almost anything to end the pain. However, if you allow yourself to just go through it, you will come out stronger and more healthy.
You state that you know you were being used. The only way to get your life back and to become healthy is to move on. As hard as it is, I KNOW you can do it.
Kelly, let yourself cry, let yourself be angry, give yourself time to feel the pain, KNOWING it will end and you will emerge stronger and healthier.
More than anything remind yourself that your daughter is counting on you to teach her, to help her, and to keep her safe.
I'm counting on you!
Sending you big hugs sweetie,
Jennifer
This article really hit home, because I know I am one of those women. I went through my childhood and most of my teen years being made fun of, and because of that I often feel ugly and fat and unworthy of being loved. I met a guy a few months ago who made me feel beautiful and sexy and because of this I let him use me, let him be the first for some things. Now I really regret it, and am having a hard time getting over it. I feel the same as Kelly. I want to get over him, want to forget him. But at the same time, I want to be with him, want him to call me and say he wants a relationship, though I know deep down one would never work with him.
Ugh. I have a better story! I hooked up with an idiot from high school, having great pity on him. I started chatting with him, just as friends, then he started to turn up the heat. All the while he was leading on another girl in another city. And he was leading on another girl at the same time, too! Now, he has that poor girl back on his line, because she desperately wanted him back. It's sad how some men find so much power in having so many women hanging on them... all because he can't have the one he really wants, who left him... for another woman. Go figure.
I've been having an on/off 'relationship' with a friend who is emotionally unavailable. He is insular and he and not very giving of himself. Recently we've been seeing each other but I feel that it is on his terms. I do not want to be his girlfriend as I do not consider him boyfriend material. I have been single for some time now and want affection mainly but some mind blowing sex wouldn't go amiss. In the past he has been witholding sexually but more recently he has been really into it which I appreciate. I have never had to work so hard in this situation. I have to guess if he's in the mood for sex when I am, and when I do and invite him over he often declines and says he wants to be alone. This leaves me sometimes feeling rejected and upset. On the other hand he is a good listener and has been supportive in the past when I've needed him. When we met intially we would talk for hours and he revealed to me what he was like and I believed him. I was at a low ebb and he was lovely to me. I'm beginning to think he may only like it when I'm vulnerable. I want to cut him off sexually but still be friends. I think this will be hard for me but I know I must do it for myself. Besides he had no trouble mentioning to me that he'd had a hot a date with another woman. Why wouldn't he afterall we are just friends. I would appreciate some advice.
This is a great blog full of useful information.
I always thought I had good self-esteem. I'm attractive and very successful in my career, etc.
I fell for this down and out guy. Of course he had a big sob story.
I stayed with him for 4 years. I found out recently all the numerous lies he has been telling me over the years.
I didn't think he was using me for sex as plenty of times we were together, we didn't have sex. A guy can certainly use you for a lot of other things.
I think he was using me for companionship and an ego boost plus sex.
Plus I felt like a taxi cab. He didn't drive.
I had moved and then he moved maybe a couple miles from me. He would come over to use my washer and drier since I moved here, and not once did he ever buy or bring any detergent.
It was cool weather when I moved here and I would seldom hear from him during the week.I would call him and he would be out shopping or getting something to eat. He never did ask me if I wanted to go shopping with him or get something to eat.
Then the weather turned blazing hot and I found he was calling me a lot more. I suddenly realized that every time I was over there, I ended up hauling him around somewhere; grocery, mall, etc.
So it seems like since he doesn't drive and had to walk, he didn't much feel like walking in the blazing heat so he was calling me to be his taxi cab. grrr.
He gets a ride from a guy who lives by me to his work and I know he has never given the guy one dime for gas or anything.
I feel like a fool for falling for such a big sob story.
Hi Anonymous,
Ahhh sorry to hear of your situation but the good news is...
You got out of the relationship and have learned from your mistake! :-)
Thanks for sharing your story...I think you will help other women from falling for the same thing!
Big hugs and best of luck to you sweetie,
Jennifer
I had been with a guy for about three weeks, he liked me but was looking more for a hookup than a serious relationship. I liked him too, so I was quite pleased with all the attention he was giving me, and texting me everyday, even though he still hadn't asked me out. It wasn't until yesterday when I overheard him saying at work 'what should I do about that chick from last night?' to one of his friends/co-workers.
The friend he had told this too had previously told me to 'forget about him because he doesn't really have any intentions of asking me out.' He was right, turns out I was just a booty call so he could get some sexual attention.
I had told myself that he was going to ask me out, and everyone around me told me to leave him. It hasn't killed my self esteem, but now that I think about it, it's so easy for guys to lead girls on when they say or do things that make the girl feel good.
Thanks for this blog! It's really helping me deal with this and what to look for in guys so I'll know for next time.
Hmmm, I deffo have low self Esteem and just let guys treat me like crap... I never had a boyfriend yet and this guy I'm sorta seeing IS using me, coz he never talks to me when he's around others, and when he does tlk to me it's only me + him together + noone else so yah...:/ + i like really like him so it's hard to get over him atm I know I shouldn't let him do this but when you like the guy it's sorta hard... and it's happeing right now!!! ><
This is great advice :)
so i have a friend who is being used by her ex-boyfriend. She had been with him for 6 months and recently its been on and off with him. I've been listening to her and trying to give her advice about her problems with him for awhile now. After being broken up with him for 2 weeks, she hooked up with him today but afterwards he yelled at her and basically told her that it was pointless to get back together again. She knows that he was using her. I'm just wondering if theres anything else I can tell her to make her feel better...
I was one of those women but i'm happy to say i've come out of the other end stronger and free. I was dating a man older than me who was simply using me for his own sexual gratification and to validate his low self esteem. He was a truck driver who despite his good looks didn't believe that he could get women his age.I was always confused as everytime i broke up with him he lives just opposite me so he would be hounding me calling me, even asking me to go to the garden to try and get me back. Because he fought so hard i thought he was genuine as i didn't ever give him much sex. The problem was he would never introduce me to family or real friends, he used to lie and say he was a loner, but i noticed most of the time i saw him he'd park his truck really far back so no one could see us, he never offered me an ounce of food from his kitchen and everytime i tried to get emotionally close to him he'd suddenly go cold and ignore my calls a few times then when he spoke to me he would have a distant tone. Users can be tricky as well, more often than not i'd give him a taste of his own medicine, ignore his calls, tell him i'm busy , and he called me up with tears in his voice one time asking me why i was doing this to him, that he didn't deserve it, his mother had raised him up well, sometimes he'd even blow me away by wanting me to come driving with him so i could take pictures for my photography business, so he could 'support' me. When people called he'd say he was with a friend, and after begging me back one time, the day after i was asking him who we were to each other, he said lets take our time, i want to see where this goes. Then a week later when i felt he was more relaxed i asked him who we were to each other, he told me that right now 'i see myself as a single man.' The next day i sent him a nice polite text saying take care of yourself i hope you find the right woman for you.This is over. I don't regret it, time is more expensive than money and he was wasting mine.
My boyfriend and I have been together since december, but he's not even really my boyfriend- only when he wants to be. is there any way I can forget about him? I mean, by doing activities or something? I just feel so depressed, and I'm sick of feeling worthless.
I was an exchange student in Ecuador for a semester and I had a huge crush on my host brother...
He wasn't very nice and didn't have the same standards as me, but I guess the bad boy attitude just made me go after him more.
We eventually started making out at night when his parents were in bed, but I always left when he tried to take it farther. One night, he told me he would be my boyfriend and that he loved me, and that he really wanted to be with me. I knew I shouldn't believe it but I liked him so much and I was so flattered that he was even attracted to me.
We had sex and I was so upset afterwards. Of course, he wasn't my boyfriend the next morning. I guess I thought that if I kept having sex with him, he would want me. This of course, wasn't true.
He really hurt me and I still don't know how to get over it.
Any suggestions please?
I dont know what to do...I never felt like I had self esteem issues but maybe I do and they're just suppressed by this image that I portray as this strong woman who doesnt take any crap. But secretely I take a lot of stuff from guys that I shouldnt and I dont know why. I entertain them sexually when I know that they would never commit to a relationship with me yet I convince myself that they really like me somewhere deep inside. I guess when Im involved in a sexual relationship I feel wanted and needed but not loved and that is what I truly seek. Sometimes I find myself crying because Im unhappy but I dont want to be alone because thats when I feel worst. When I feel fat and ugly and like I'll alone forever.Wow Im really crying now because I never really said expressed these feelings outloud before. I hope that I can figure out some kind of way to not be like this and stop letting people use me or I think I just might go crazy!I dont know how I've let it come to this point, I was always raised to be strong and confident and to value my self worth but somewhere along the road I lost it. Im only 20 years old and I cant imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. Somebody help me please!!!!
I was involved in a long-term relationship for 8 years which was wrong on so many levels. It was long distance at first and he flew 3,000 miles to see me the first time. He booked into a hotel and I refused to stay there and left. I think that was some kind of a challenge to him. He flew back to the other side of the continent and started to woo me. He was separated from his wife and living alone. He would call me every morning and we spent my morning break at work talking. I started to care for him. After a few months of talking every day, 3 to 5 times a day and hours into the night, I flew out there for my vacation. He was everything I wanted and I decided to move out there. As soon as I found a job, he started to get cold with me (of course this was after I gave notice out here) I moved out there and that began a painful relationship. I had to have my own apartment. He claimed it was because his culture didn't allow divorce etc. He tried to keep me out of his children's life etc. I moved back to east coast again after a year. He tried to woo me again. This time his wife did divorce proceedings and he in earnest tried to get me to move out there again. He could not move here because of his job.etc I could go on and on but I didn't find out he was a cyber pervert on the internet with different women constantly, addicted to pornography until it was too late. I loved him and tried to help him. He went to a counselor and lied to the counselor. I broke up with him for the second time and in a few months he was communicating with a very young girl (40 years his junior) and went to the Philipines and she became his fiancee. Of course he told me about it and wanted us to be friends. I told him my concerns of course, as well did his friends, children and counselor. He proceeded to bring this girl to this country. She left him immediately. He broke down and I felt this compassion for him. To say that I was confused about myself is an understatement. I have since learned the hard way that I will not be used again. Of course I ignored warning signs and plunged into this head-first. I have been a sensible woman for most of my life and lost my head over this jerk. I wanted to say that young girls are not the only ones who can be led astray by a jerk.
thank you so much for this blog. i am only 19 year old but i was used by my best friend. he told me everything i wanted to hear then i lost my virginity to him. i thought he liked me but deep down i knew he was just using me. this site really made me come to conclusion with it
Genial post and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you as your information.
i am engaged to get married with this guy who doesnt appreciate my work and always makes me feel horrible for being independent.I have changed from a person I loved being to a miserable dependent person. I always tell myself that that is the only negative thing about him but deep down I know it will only get worse and worse. I cannot break up the engagement as I dont want to hurt my family who think he is just great. I have not told anyone about how mean he can get as I dont want my family to get worried. Each day I tell myself I will love him less and one day I will stop. But I am still waiting.
After reading this it really made me think and I am the type of a woman who feels this way. It's my junior year in highschool and i have been dating this boy for a long time. He recently broke up with me but the reasons weren't exactly clear. When he dd break up with me he made up lies how he wont have time and he is just too young (17 really?). Turns out behind my back during our relationship he would flirt with tons of girls, ALL of them my friends. I would hear about it all the time but i didn't exactly believe it, well it was all true. He ended up breaking up with me for my friend. She really isn't much of a friend because she lied about liking him. Now they are both enjoying happiness together and i just feel used and my only hope is to rebound and feed off the attention of being with other boys only to make me feel better. I am done being used and I really want to be able to be strong and not get myself into these situations all the time.
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