One of the most common questions I get asked is... How can a woman tell if a man is just using her?
My first response is, if you are asking, you are probably feeling used. And if you are feeling used you are probably being used.
There is a significant difference for most men between wanting a woman for a plaything for a night or two, and wanting a real, healthy, mature relationship.
The two should not be confused.
How can you tell the difference?
Why not ask yourself a few questions....
Does the guy appear interested in your life? Your family? Your interests? Or is he only interested in "alone time"?
Does the guy show care and respect for you? Or are you a convenience?
Do your conversations center around life, ideas, interesting thoughts? Or is it all about when you are available for sex?
Do you have a great time together when there is no physical activity going on? Or is sex the only thing that brings you together?
Do you feel cared for and cherished for being who you are? Or do you feel you are only valued for what you do for the guy?
Is the guy interested in your goals, your dreams, your hopes? Or is the relationship pretty much centered on his needs?
Do you feel in your heart that you are valued as a human being? Or do you feel your value comes from the guys expectations?
Do a little exploring. Be honest with yourself. Don't deny or repress your feelings. Be open to what your heart is telling you.
Some thoughts on how to get out of a bad relationship with your heart in tact, please read this article!
18 thoughts and insights:
Hi. Happy Saturday to you!
Excellent tips--if we will only listen to them, thats the hard part!!
Hey Sweetie,
Happy Saturday to you too! :-) I've been working in my garden... loving Spring!
Yeah, the hard part is being aware of what is going on and listening to what we know! :-)
Big hugs,
jen
YUP, he is definitely "using" me, we all know what it feels like when we are being used but, thanks to you tips, it confirms it!! Yes, pretty much centered on "his" needs only!! Thank God....i have not given in whatsoever! Now I "know" I will end this.
Thank you Jen!
I have a friend who is female and she is married with a kid. She has a guy friend. She works in town and this guy friend works a bit far from her workplace. This guy friend is married also. Every morning she will meet this guy before going to work. In between hours they will be on phone to each other. Are they just friends or lovers? That is my question.
Hi Anonymous,
What do you think?
Let me just ask, what would this man and woman be meeting for other than for a relationship?
Friends, who honor their partners and friendships call each other once in a while, get together as a couple, or maybe get together for coffee every now and then but they don't meet every moring before work and then spend the day calling each other.
Ya know?
Jennifer
I have a question. I've been dating this guy and he says that he want nothing serious, but he likes to spend time with me and talks to me a lot. How can I tell if he is using me? He says that he thinks that we can see other people and I don't want it that way and he won't date any other girl... He spends too much time with me and talking to me to date any other girl.
Hi Anonymous (July 3),
Thanks for visiting!
You said the guy is clear that he doesn't want a serious realtionship and he wants to date other people, so based on this it seems like he is just not interested in a real relationship with you.
He likes you and wants your attention but wants other women as well... so what do you think?
What is your gut telling you?
Go with it OK?
Warmest wishes to you,
Jennifer
Hi Jen, I wrote a comment in March under annonymous....I still did not leave the situation :( I tried to break it off today....it backfired, he got cold on me and I got desperate. Pls help me!!!
I have a question im sord of seeing this guy and he is sweet, but all he wants is sex..an i have told him im not a booty call an all he said was whatever then goodnight... the thing is my friend an i have both been seeing him but she stopped because i told her i really had feelings for him.. im afraid he will call her an she an him will hook up.. should i just be with him or just leave him. idk i want to wpork it out with him... Can you please give me some advice?
There are so many one-sided topics on this site..
See, the game is changing, a lot of guys are finding its okay to tell a girl you just want to bang, the problem is, these girls hear that and still be like, does he want a relationship with me?
WTF? He just told you he didnt.
Hes not USING you. You both should be getting something out of the sexual and non-sexual time yall spend together. Why everyone acting like these chicks not gettin something out of having sex.
Which if it isnt an orgasm..
Its usually ATTENTION!
We have some many women in this country who seek ATTENTION instead of APPRECIATION.
Plain and simple..
Go read a psychology book or something and learn something about yourselves people..
So now I know he is using me, what do I do?? I like him so much and I just can't help but talk to him still, even though I know it's pointless. How can I get over him?
Hi Anonymous,
Good question!
I actually wrote an article about this...
http://howtotellifaguyisajerk.blogspot.com/2008/07/getting-out-of-bad-relationship-and.html
Best of luck,
Jennifer
I just found your website and looking at this article made me wonder if I am being used or not.
I met this guy not too long ago and while he may not be Mr. Gorgeous we hit it off great and became fast friends. At some point that changed into actually going out. [Though we agreed it wasn't going to turn into anything serious]. Also just for reference, we are not, I repeat, not sleeping together! In fact I am a virgin, something he is well aware of and seems to respect.
Whenever we ran into each other/met up [he lives an hour away] he would always insist on paying for my drinks, food, whatever. He even introduced me to his two best friends to get opinions and apparently I passed their test [which he confessed one night when he was a bit on the drunk side]. He lost his job a little while later though.
Since then I have been paying for everything and we are seeing each other more. He doesn't even seem to be trying to get a new one and somewhere it went from me buying him a drink whenever I got one for myself to him actually asking me for the cash to do it. Also because he lost his license I drive everywhere so it's tanking my gas.
When we get to places [one place we usually end up going is his Aunt's bar] he typically gets caught up talking to the other guys there and kind of get left to entertain myself.
There is another guy I met there by accident during one such time and we starting chatting. We get along great and have spent a lot of time cutting up [singing kareoke together, making faces, etc] while the guy I arrived with is elsewhere unless he wants more cash. [Note: New guy I met is not friends with the other guy]. Me and new guy end up meeting up on accident a lot [we haven't even exchanged numbers or anything but end up running into one another frequently]
Suddenly the guy I have been arriving with and bumming cash from me seems to want my attention when I am with the new guy. He even told me on the way home one night he saw how we had been cutting up and confessed to being jealous while insisting that new guy was crushing on my.
Unless I am around the new guy though or one of his guy friends compliments him on how 'hott' I look he barely pays me any attention.
So do you think he is using me? If so how do I break it off gently but still keep his friendship?
Thanks so much and sorry about the length of this thing!
Hi, so I know this is a little unorthodox, mainly because I am a guy, but my best friend has this friend for conversation sake named John. John has a girl friend and and is older than my friend but they hang out a lot and he says he loves her (my friend) and the other night he convinced my friend to sleep with him, even though he has a girlfriend. Anyway the cusp of my question is how can I convince her that he's only using her and that she's a back up for him? I don't like seeing her get hurt, she means so much to me, she introduced me to my fiancée and everything.
Hello,
I am in a relationship that recently I am starting to question. The man says he loves me and wants to marry me, but I am having doubts now. It started off hot-n-heavy, but has drawn out to be slow and cold. We got places right next to each other that are linked and basiclly spend every moment together when he is not at work. I pay the rent/utilities, the food and necessities for both of us. He has a couple of bills in his name he pays for, but doesn't help me out on any of mine. He doesn't take me out except to get what we need or to do our laundry(which I pay for). Coming up soon I will be getting a little extra income and he stated he was going to get a car with it. I put my foot down and said no unless it's in my name. He got upset over it. He never asks me what interests me, it's all about him. He never asks me what I want, it's all he wants. But I am in love with this guy and I don't want to get hurt again. some times I feel it's better to be used than to be hurt. Which is really worse? What would you do if you really loved some one who was using you?
To the girl who wrote on may 21, 2009...
Once you start to question things...Is it really a question anymore?
You know what the right thing to do is...
Right now my heart is in the deepest agony I have ever felt...I ended my enagement with a man I loved with all my heart, but was using me, lying, untrustworthy, etc...
I was supporting him financilly, emotionally, cooked, cleaned, ect..
Nothing in return...He would sit around playing video games all day. He didnt care that the things he did hurt me and that I would cry...
YOU DESERVE BETTER!
A relationship is two people coming together and growing together...Both equally putting in effort...If your doing all the work, then you are wasting your time.
Its better to end things now and hurt, then to let yourself be disrespected by someone who isnt right for you and drag on the hurt and unhealthy attachment.
You sound alot like me...Not wanting to let go because you dont want to hurt and be alone...
Take time to learn to love yourself...I am reading "Escaping Emotional Entrapment" by Daniel Rutley...
I highly reccomend it!
I hope you make the right descision. There is someone out there for you who will love you for you and never even dream of hurting or using you. Dont you want that? Staying with him is only prolonging your finding yourself, and a happy healthy relationship.
My relationship ended about the 27th of may 2009...So its still fresh also...If you need someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me...We can compare notes :)
Barefootwench@hotmail.com
Good luck to all going through heartbreak, good times are ahead.
what if ur guy pass all of them except the second question and the sixth question..???i really need an answer
hello.
im really confused. 2 weeks ago i kinda hooked up with a guy. he talked to me after, and he said he liked me. weve been talking for a few weeks and then we hungout. last weekend i hooked up with him again, then monday he wouldnt talk to me. sometimes, if i dont text him, he doesnt text me. my texts usaully dont go through, so that might be the case. then, today, i asked him if he was using me, he said, no. and then i said okay. then he was like, 'i dont want to date right now, cuz i dont want a girlfriend. but i like you' im really confused. is he using me? :( idk what to do.
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