OK, so I'm a little biased (being a therapist), but guys that refuse to get help when they need it have some issues.
They aren't necessarily total jerks.
But I wonder about guys who will not ask for help when they clearly require it.
I read once that the only thing higher on a list of fears for men, is visiting a therapist. I hope this isn't true but it does reflect the idea that for some men, the idea of getting help is an uncomfortable one.
Why would men be uncomfortable visiting a therapist?
There is the fear factor consisting of having to share feelings and emotions with someone, there is the "new situation" uneasiness, and of course the lack of trust. More than anything though is the old ego issue... men not wanting to admit that they may in fact need some help, or men not wanting to admit they are not perfect.
I understand this. It is not always easy to admit we have some issues or that we can't handle things by ourselves. We typically like to think we have things under control; we are competent; we can deal with it.
The reality is however, that there may be times in one's life where some intervention, therapy, or help is required. Domestic violence, abuse, depression, addictions, marriage difficulties are all examples of serious issues that can be helped through therapy.
This is not a plug for therapists... it is a reminder that guys who refuse help (when it is needed) may have some underlying issues that are not conducive to healthy relationships.
3 thoughts and insights:
I think for men going to a therapist is the equivalent of asking for directions. It makes them feel inadequate, and is a vestige of a more primitive age, when inadequacy would compromise a man's ability to survive in the wild. Even most good guys only go into therapy kicking and screaming, so I don't think it makes them a jerk.
I'm a man, and I welcome therapy. In fact, I came out of the relationship where I was abused by my SO, emotionally, physically and financially, and became abusive myself.
Now I have a hard time living with myself, given that I have walked a path, what is there to say that I will not walk it again? Not exactly a recipe for a fulfilling life, and certainly not a way to be a 'net positive' in this world. Therapy is the only answer, and I encourage men to seek guidance where it is needed. There is no shame in doing so, only shame in letting yourself not realize your full potential.
Look at it this way, we take our car in for repairs, we fix our house, we put care into balancing our budget. Why not get something handled if you need to work out an issue?
My two cents... From a former good guy.
I just ended a relationship, and when I say just ended I mean I ended it last night. I was in a relationship where the guy moved down here to be with me and didn't find a job for 4 months. When he finally did find a job he told me "see how much I love you, I got a job."
When we were in college we were best friends. When he met my parents he was really nice to them. Then things changed. I know I became resentful because I felt he was using me. He was no longer my friend but judgmental about everything I said, and any mention of my family led to a nasty remark from him.
I mentioned we do pre-marriage counseling, as we were engaged. He immediately went nuts telling me how its my fault and that if I think we are going to have problems its because I don't talk to him. He also said a lot of other mean things. My immediate statement was "if you don't want to do pre-marriage counseling I don't want to marry you and I want you out of my house."
I don't understand what the fear is or the reason he acted the way he did. I told him before he proposed that "if we were to get married we have to do pre-marriage counseling and that is a non negotiable, I want a plan and I want us to start out right." I am happy I went with my gut, now I will be seeing a counselor myself in order to nurse my wounds and see why I am chosing the men that I do.
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