If a guy lies to you, drop him like a dead fish!If a guy is lying to you, you have a few problems. First he doesn't respect you at all, second you know you can't trust him, third, he has no integrity, and fourth he is doing something about which he doesn't want you to know.
This is not the kind of guy you want to be with.
There are plenty of guys out there who are honest and decent. They wouldn't think of lying to anyone let alone someone they want to be with.
For the life of me I do not understand guys who lie to their potential partner but more unbelievable is the women who ignore this very serious character flaw. Do not go for this guy!
3 thoughts and insights:
I found out 3 weeks ago that my boyfriend has been habitually lying about stupid things AND has been lying about 4 times that he cheated on me early on in our relationship.
My instincts told me something was wrong for months. To begin with I ignored them and blamed myself, trying so hard to trust him. Then I caught him lying about something stupid. Since then he has been trying to help me trust him and even suggested councilling. Unfortunatley for him his idea of helping me trust him was to give me access to everything - emails, pc, phone. I got to breaking point (not proud) and took advantage of this and found evidence of a text message to an old F**k buddy early on in the realtionship. He denied anything happening then the next morning the first words out of his mouth was that he cheated on me. He went to work on the understanding that that night I wanted to know everything.
He came home from work and told me of 2 others. Twice with his ex and once with a random stranger. I was livid. I spent days going through phone bills and MSN logs trying to piece together the truth. I found out about one incident, he admitted 3 more that I would never find out about. I also found evidence of a number of other attempts to contact old "friends", all this lasting 6 months into our relationship.
Just to be clear I class the beginning of our relationship from the time we talked about being committed to each other, I'm not talking about dating.
He is saying that at the beginnning of this year he suddenly realised how stupid he was being and important I am to him, and how much he had to lose.
However, I've been growing more and more suspicious that there was something wrong and have asked him questions daily. I gave him "amnesty moments" where I told him he could tell me anything and I would work through it, because all I wanted was to be told the truth. He didn't admit to this until I had proof of part of it.
I know he has cheated before and never confessed to a girlfriend, he has an appointment with a councillor. He says he wants to stop lying and that he knows he coudln't cheat on me again but wants to work through that as well to be certain.
Obviously I am giving the short version and there is more to it. A few days later I went to meet my family on holiday and stopped him joining me at first. I changed my mind and he travelled for 15 hours with a fear of flying to spend a week with my family - who knew - because he didn't want to be apart from me even if I was mad. He has confessed to his dad what he has done and (long story as to how) has even let me tell his line manager everything.
I am very confused. I hate lying more than anything and can work through any thing if treated with honesty and respect, but he has been lying for so long. I don't think he is a strong person and think he changes to a large degree depending who is around.
However, we have a joint councilling appointment in a few days time and he has an independent councilling appointment in a couple of weeks (UK health service not all its cracked up to be)
I see so many relationships fail because people aren't willing to try or compromise, or both. I am kinda torn because he has done some horrific things but wants to be with me enough to do wahtever it takes.....
I am being careful what i say to him at the moment because i think I've been inadvertantly teaching him how to lie to me. I just don't know whether to believe he can change or just cut my losses.
Whatever i decide it will be incredibly difficult because I do love him, but a large part of me thinks I've worked hard enough and don't see why I should put any more energy into him, but then there is my heart....
I'm not sure whether I am posting this for sage advice or a damn good talking to....
Ahhhh dear Anonymous,
My heart goes out to you.
I'm certain this summation of your experience doesn't even begin to express the pain and heartache through which you have been going!
I think you would certainly be justified in ending this relationship... it is clearly unhealthy and has caused you enormous amounts of pain.
And... I also understand your desire to try to work things out.
Tough situation for SURE!
From your description, it does sound like your partner has some serious issues. No question about it.
The fact that he wants to go to counseling is good but you and I both know, words are easy to say.
The proof is in the living.. right?
Only you can decide when enough is enough.... but, here is what I ask of you.
Be safe. Do what you need to do to be emotionally, physically, and mentally secure and protected.
IOW, set your boundaries, listen to what your gut tells you, step back and allow yourself to find what is healthy for you.
Give yourself time...
Warmest wishes to you,
Jen
Thanks Jen
I know what I need to do I'm just having a hard time doing it. I know I need to move out and rebuild myself. I will support him in his councilling to a degree but like I said, I feel like I've been accidentally coaching him which helps him say all the right things.
He needs to prove to me and himself that he can be faithful even when I'm not around. It's bizarre, since the start if I was available he would be with me but as soon as I wasn't around he was up to something. I do believe he cares about me more than anyone before and its the same for me, but he has a lot of work to do.
Even now I'm still snooping - I think if I found out he was still lying about something it would be easier to leave him but I haven't found anything. Doesn't prove innocence though, just doesn't prove guilt.
If he is serious about doing all the work he will need to do then I admire that. He's obviously had a number of issues for at least 15 years, and I think its a shame when rgood relationships don't work out because one or both involved aren't willing to work at it.
I need to move out, work on me and then decide what I would need to see change in him if things were to continue. And stick to it firmly. Maybe put a time limit on it as well.
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